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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the capital of Indiana?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For large exchanges: David Letterman's ego } For small change: David Letterman's ratings. } } You owe the Oracle a Stock Index based on the witty banter of Andy } Richter, Paul Shaefer and Kevin Eubanks.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Moe,  I fear, will get in here. > Ray,  His thug already tried. > Me,   I fear, for myself. > Far   Away I wish I was. > Slow  I am to pay my debt. > Lots  Of money do I owe. > Thee, For help I humbly beg. > >       So how do I pay back Moe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Numbers and rackets and kidnapping babies, } Drug deals and fencing and pimping street ladies, } Fleecing the fools with extragavant stings, } These are a few of Moe's favourite things. } } Ray runs protection and takes a percentage, } Takes a bit more and invests in fine vintage, } Find his accounts and a nark who will sing, } Take them to Moe and explain the whole thing. } } When he hears this; and checks Ray's books; } And finds out it's truuuuue... } Ray ends up swimming in big concrete boots, } And Moe ends up OOOOOOwing you! } } You owe the Oracle an edition of "America's Most Wanted" } exposing the Von Trapp Family.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O master, familiar with the consequences of nasty crashes, tell me why > people use Micro$oft products?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because Microsoft(tm) makes high quality products for home and office! } Where do you want to go today? } } You owe the Oracle stock options. } } % mail billg@microsoft.com } Subject: Got another heretic here } } Hello again, } } got another supplicant here who seems to know too much about your } products.  You'd better whack him before he gets the word out.  Give } him an offer he can't refuse. } } I'll expect my usual commission. } } - TIO } send? y } % } Whoops, is this thing still on?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SUPPLICANT: * } } ORACLE: ?! } } S: '?!'? } } O: '*' -> '?!' !! } } S: ...? } } O: '...?'? (!!!) } } S: :) } } O: !!! } } S: :( } } O: ':('!? } } S: ? } } O: ! } } S: '!'? } } O: *ZOT* } } S: (sizzle) } } You owe the Oracle a telegram for Victor Hugo.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Send me information about new grange groups.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello! } } Thank you for your interest in Grange Groups! } } We here at GrangeGroupCo are pleased to organize and present to you on a } weekly basis all the wonderful and marvelous advantages that our fine } Grange product can provide for you! You'll be amazed! Your friends will } admire you! Passersby on the street will instantly recognize you as an } intelligent, motivated person who has a good head on their shoulders! } Your mom will make your favorite food for dinner! Dad will hold his head } a little higher knowing that his offspring has the good sense to } participate in Grange Groups! } } But what exactly can Grange Groups do for you? Here are just a few of } the many advantages you'll reap from being fully 'Granged': } } - 10% discount at all feed and grain stores nationwide! } } - Free factory tours of the place where they make that red jelly filling }   for jelly donuts! } } - Full use of the Jacuzzi (except on our one holiday 'Grange-nojacuzzi }   Day') } } - 200 thread count Percale sheets! } } - Ability to store many months worth of old Sunday papers in your Magic }   Bag! } } - Your choice of gift: Vegematic or 'Flow-bee' Haircutting system! } } - Unlimited supply of Grange's "Special Hygenic Cream" } } - You'll be one of a select few who'll know the secret ingredient found }   in both 'Apple Jacks' and Avon's "Skin So Soft" } } - Accordion lessons! } } - Mac and cheese, Mac and cheese, Mac and cheese!!!! } } But time is limited! The Grange Groups can't just sit around waiting for } you all day! Get a move on! Go to your local Grange Groups affiliate in } your hometown (located next to 'Spatula City - For all your flippin' } needs!') } } Tax and title not included. Must accept Group upon down-payment. State } and federal taxes are the responsibility of applicant. Post no bills. } Fair to middlin'. Move it or lose it. Never fall in love with Penguins, } they only love fish. Life is full of choices - I'll have the soup. Don't } put your lips on that. A half-eaten Zebra or a newspaper. Spaghetti is } not an effective dentrifice. Open slowly, lest something fall from a } high shelf and land on your toes-ies. Never chew aluminum foil. Hail a } taxi and say 'Just browsing, thanks.' Not responsible for lost or } missing pieces. Sarah McLachlan married Ashe and broke my heart. Two } wrongs don't make a right, so turn left instead. Not for tournament } play. Manager does not have keys to safe. Taco sauce only available upon } request. } } You owe the Oracle a viable reason for the Seagate Hard Drive 'Stiction' } problem and two jelly...hmm.. make that glazed donuts. } } ________________________ } The Oracle, as incarnated by } Gary.Jeleniewski@cbis.com } 'For all your goofy answer needs!!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows how many holes are in swiss cheese, and knows the > phone number of Anna Nicole Smith's bustier designer.. > > What was up with that girl last night!?  Wasn't that the weirdest blind > date I've ever gone on?  SHe was a true bonehead.  It's too bad too, she > was cute, and had nice hoo.. ligans.. > > So what's next in my realm of dating possibilities?? > > Thanks O. > > P.S. Extra Credit: Any idea what will happen to me and Margy, she is a > total babe and said she likes me, she even called last night..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The year is 2002.  At the Our Sister Of Serenity Home For The } Bewildered, a radiant, omniscient figure sits in a barren corner of a } padded cell.  Twitching and swatting at himself, he bawls softly to } himself, "Woodchucks, woodchucks, woodchucks..." } } Meanwhile, at a workstation in an ivory tower in Bloomington, IN, } sits Lisa, trying valiantly to manage the deluge of incoming } questions, so as to keep the news of the Internet Oracle's misfortune } from the public. } } Zadoc drags an enormous mail bag into the room, tugging at it with } both hands.] } } Zadoc:  Well, we're up to May, 1997.  See, we're making a little }         progress. } } Lisa:   *sigh*  It's hopeless, though.  The questions are coming in }         faster than we can answer them. } } Zadoc:  But what choice do we have?  You know he could zot us even }         from this far away -- the nurses are scared to death of him. } } Lisa:   I know, I know.  Read the next question. } } Zadoc:  [opens envelope]  Hmm, blah blah blah.  It's a question about }         Ellen Degeneres coming out. } } Lisa:   Ellen who?  *shakes head*  How can I answer a question about }         people I don't even know?  *I'm* not omniscient.  Hmm, let's }         see...  "Dear Supplicant, Shortly after Ellen came out, it }         started raining, so she went back in.  You owe the Oracle a }         peach."  *sigh*  I just don't have the knack for this, but }         let's keep going.  Next question. } } Zadoc:  Hmm, this guy met a stacked bonehead at a party.  Wants to }         know who's next. } } Lisa:   Gosh, where *do* they come up with these?  Sheesh, here }         goes.  "Dear Supplicant, Sorry to hear about..." } }         Wait!  That e-mail address -- I know him.  He was a total }         dork, drank cheap beer and wore mismatched socks. } } Zadoc:  Well, maybe that's why he had to settle for a blind date. } } Lisa:   Hold on a goddamned minute, that was ME he was talking about. }         He thinks I'm a bonehead?  Where's that zot staff? } } Zadoc:  Wait, Lisa, you don't know what you're doing with that! } } Lisa:   "Dear Supplicant.  Bonehead, eh?  ..." } } [Shortly afterwards, a fire breaks out in the tower.  The rest of } the May, 1997 questions were destroyed in the blaze and were never } answered.  Although Zadoc and Lisa were quick to pick up with the } June, 1997 questions, an inquiry soon followed, and by 2003, the } American public had learned of the tragic demise of the Internet } Oracle.]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most expedient, please apprize me: > > When as deemeth thou an equitable time to dismiss the outmoded > "And in response, thus spake the Oracle:" > in favor of the more prevalent > "And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Graunt mercie! Wodst disclaunderen mee, varlet? Douteles ye trow } it noucht but yow ycomen here and schewyd me how yit sholde bee } doon! Stap me vitals, but everich bodie be in manere of an critycke } theese deyes! } } Ye han seyd merethan ynough, ywis! This I bihoten yew withouten } faille, coxcomb - I wold be trewe oracel nicht wer I to permytte } soch corsednesse tew pass unpunycened. Ney, thys disdeinous mortle } shal not ysceipe beynge smytten al to gobbets! } }                        > > ZOTTE < < } } Certes, I heve been at thys geyme tew long - methynks I bee turnynge } into David Sewylle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORRIE!  Oh how my pathological scar desires to read poems through the >                      ruddied girth of your soul! > ORRIE! May you always be as vivid as your hallucinations. > ORRIE, you have broken my waters. Can I get you a new glass.... > > Oh darn... This isn't working. > Dearest omnipotent one, he who could debug all of microsofts work in > the blink of an eye. As you can see, I have been experimenting with the > Surreal Compliment Generator at > > http://pharmdec.wustl.edu/cgi-bin/jardin_scripts/SCG > > I'm sorry about the first 3 compliments, but I had to try it out... > > My question is however... > > One of the "compliments" that emerged from this web page was blasphmous > in the extreme... It went.... > >               "Marmots will stick to you in Delaware." > > How far can this w**dchuck fetish that drives some people go? > And if I do go to delaware, will I be attacked by a pack of w**dchucks > as predicted in that message?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Delaware?"  I mutter.  And in she walks.  So that's how it works, } thinks my muddled mind, and I try, "Dames, naked, lots of 'em." But } nothing happens. } } "What can I do for you, Delaware?" I say, but without the question } mark, just to make a point. } } "Hey, honey," she murmurs.  "How's kicks?" } } Normally I ignore this sort of thing, but she is starting to fade away } into the colour blue.  Maybe indigo.  Damn, I think, this is the last } thing I need; ever since the chesterfield incident, the cops have been } watching this place.  I think quickly and say, maybe a bit too loudly, } "Violet, I think I can help you after all.  Here hold this glass of --" } } Damn.  All that is left of her is an obscure buzzing noise.  "The } sound of a bird dying?" I guess.  Incorrectly, it turns out; I lose } 50 points. } } Still, this was the only client that had walked in the door all } day, so I take her case. } } To the zoo then, I play a hunch.  Well, that and I don't have } airfare to the mid-west.  I go to the bird cages.  Suddenly, I spot } it.  The falcon.  Nope, it's real, and not at all covered with -- wait, } a minute:  wrong case, wrong client. } } Maybe a quick nap. } } I wake up to the gnawing sounds of the marmot.  On my other leg, } marmot mating noises.  I immediately recognize these as the sound that } Delaware would become, if a Delaware could become -- no, that's } still wrong.  But I am getting close.  Really close. } } Delaware, I think.  Marmots. } } At once, it comes flooding into my mind.  Of course, I realize. } How obvious.  Unfortunately, what with all the flooding, I melt } into the couch before I can stop the dastardly plot. } } The answer to your question, then:  stay the hell out of Delaware. } And keep away from anything surreal.  No good will come of it.  As } Milton wrote, "that which purifies us/ is trial, and trial is by what } is contrary." } } You owe the Oracle the sound of one hand clapping.  And, for that } matter, why IS a mouse when it spins?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        Oh great Oracle, Please tell me,  Why is this day so long, and >          yet its still morning?  I've been here for only 2 hours, yet >          it feels like 20.  How can I make my day interesting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... it does seem as if it's been morning for a while. Let me find } out what's going on. } } (picks up phone) } } Oracle: Darla, get me Apollo on the phone right away. Darla? Darla! }         Wake up! } } Darla: >yawn< Sorry, Oracle! It seems I've been at work for ages, and }        I'm really tired. I hope I'm not coming down with something. }        Apollo? But, he's up in the sky right now. } } Oracle: Yes, but he's started carrying a cell phone. Get him on the }         line. } } Darla: >yawn< (dials phone) Mister Apollo, this is Darla Michaels }        calling on behalf of the Usenet Oracle. Mr. Oracle would like to }        speak with you. } } Apollo: wha..? } } Oracle: Apollo, it's me. What's going on? You've been up for dozens of }         hours and the sundials still say it's only ten o'clock! } } Apollo: Um, uh... don't know. My head is killing me. Oh, man... } } Oracle: Oh, no, you didn't go and get drunk again, did you? I told you }         many times, if you can't get up at six every morning, we can }         find someone else to to your job. Zeus has been asking me to }         reduce headcount lately. You want to be replaced by a temp?? }         You know, a lot of places are going to monotheism these days, }         and they have just one god doing your job and plenty others }         too. } } Apollo: Uh, like, sorry. } } Oracle: You passed out up there, and now people down here have been at }         work for twenty hours! If you're not up to the job, the least }         you can do is call in sick-- we can get someone else up there }         eventually, and people are a lot happier sleeping late than }         they are going to work and having to wait twenty hours for a }         coffee break! } } Apollo: So, uh, what do I do now? } } Oracle: You ride as fast as you can to the ground, and let people get }         some sleep! } } Apollo: Um, the horses are pretty tired too. They can't go too fast. }         Would it be OK if we just turned around and went down in the }         east? That's faster. } } Oracle: Do you have any clue how confusing that would be? I think the }         Brits would start driving on the right or something-- it would }         be mayhem. No, you've really screwed up and I'll have to take }         some drastic action here. (hangs up) } } <<<<ZOT>>>> } (suddenly, a bolt of lightning arcs across the sky, shoving the sun } up to noon and back to sunset within seconds. The Oracle goes to his } word processor and begins typing:) } } Dear Supplicant, } } Due to some technical difficulties, today was accidentally lengthened. } Although the problem has now been corrected, we are very sorry for } any inconvenience we may have caused. We realize that you have a choice } of many religions, and we thank you for choosing Olympism and hope you } will continue to do so in the future. } } Please accept our gift of an extra Saturday, redeemable any time this } month. } } Sincerely, } T. U. Oracle } Director of Public Relations } Delphi Branch, Olympus Inc.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose self-help workshop is attended by celebrities > and politicians, whose 12 step program has helped Madonna become > a nurturer, whose book "It Takes a Newsgroup" has restored worldwide > respect upon the value of Usenet, whose educational videos are > renowned by both evolution theorists and christian scientists, > and whose line of sneakers are produced by well-paid employees > and are far superior to the competition's... > > Would you share your motivational techniques with me, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Motivation is fine but competition is for the birds. } } You owe the Oracle a Monopoly Board equipped with weighted dice.