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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, > Not so rhetorical, > How'd this pick axe > Appear in my clavicle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A person you know } to be really quite mental } did it on purpose } t'was not axidental

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, ye who dwell amongst the electrons I come seeking > knowledge. > > I'm afraid that I have fallen in love and stolen a good friend's > girlfriend away from him. > What am I to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } Important steps to take: } } 1)    Has he noticed yet? If not, he may well be a systems analyst, an } auditor or a trekkie, and after about five months will yawn, scratch } himself then exclaim "funny - I thought there was someone here... oh } well". In which case you are in the clear. } } 2)    Has she noticed yet? It may have escaped your intellectual fields } that asking the lady if she will share her packet of jellybeans with } you does not constitute stealing her away from him, even if she did say } yes. } } 3)    Had he been trying to get rid of her for the last few months } anyway? Obvious signs will be comments from him like "No, go off and } have a wonderful time", "Honest, I'm happy for you" and "Whatever you } do, don't give her my new phone number" } } 4)    Had she been trying to escape him for the last little while? In } which case, Zadoc, you may have bitten off more than you can chew. Lisa } is more than a handful for me, let alone a mere Priest as yourself. } } 5)    Did he have a few to spare in any case? Then don't worry - he } probably needed the break. } } You owe the Oracle a genuine apology, two tickets to "Othello" and your } sister's phone number. I have it anyway, but I need to test your true } level of remorse.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, who seems to be able to go forever -- > > Where will it all end ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to the King James Version: } }     [Rev 21:22] }     And I saw one evaluate to zero, and the LORD's loop condition was }     satisfied, and the termination code was processed. }     [23] And I was returned to the prompt. } } There's been a lot of fuss about the Revised Standard Edition, which } translates it as: } }     [Rev 21:22] }     And the LORD did click on the seal marked Start, and he did }     select Shut Down and click Yes. And the gates of heaven did }     duly respond that the system was shutting down, and told the }     LORD to please wait. }     [23] And on the screen in orange on black was written "You }     may safely turn your computer off." } } You owe the Oracle a badly #define'd TRUE macro and a revised } standard hammerdrill.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is grass green?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because of all the money you throw on it to keep it that way. } } You owe the oracle a lifetime supply of Miracle Grow plus an annual } aeration.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I improve my basketball skills?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not exactly sure... I used to think the answer was "Marry } yourself," but that didn't seem to work.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, who probably always makes His decisions about > relationships based purely on logic and rationality, I fell in love > with a beautiful, charming, and intelligent woman who dumped me to go > back to an alcoholic looney who she had originally dumped because his > drinking was making her life miserable.  How could she do such a thing, > and what can *I* do about it, aside from waiting until his liver gives > out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, how could she do such a thing?  Simply put, it's part of the } secret world of women.  They live in world that's similar to but not } quite identical to yours.  The differences are very small, but they're } noticeable if you pay attention (or, for that matter, if you're an } all-powerful omniscient being).  For example, sounds in their world are } of a slightly different tone.  Colours are a shade off-shade.  You may } notice that when you're talking to a woman, she will sometimes, for no } apparent reason, be looking a little bit to the left or right of you: } that's because they inhabit this other universe that's overlaid -- but } imperfectly overlaid -- on your own.  (Woman will observe that men } occasionally glance a foot or so below eye-level while in conversation; } this is an altogether different phenomenon.) } } Unfortunately for you, in this not quite parallel universe, } conventional logic does not apply.  For a woman, it makes perfect sense } to dump a nice guy for an alcoholic ex-flame.  Oh, sometimes she'll } play along and admit that it may be poor judgement, but then she'll } claim that she can't help herself.  Or, maybe, she'll be the one who } changes him.  Or even -- who knows? -- it's possible that he'll quit } drinking, find a cure for cancer, feed the Third World and become the } perfect boyfriend.  Who are you to judge, buddy?  Why I bet you never } cared for her anyway.  If you did, you would be more worried about her } happiness than about criticizing a nice guy who's got enough problems } of his own to deal with thank you very much. } } Sorry, I got carried away.  It's a seductive little universe, theirs. } } So, what can you do?  For a start, develop your own personal and } inter-personal problems.  Not necessarily alcoholism; there are a lot } of options out there: start knocking over convenience stores, maybe try } heroin (hell, you might like it), or whatever.  Be creative.  Will you } win her back?  No.  But you might get some other guy's beautiful, } charming and intelligent woman. } } Since we're on the topic, you might as well know that there are other } over-laid universes as well, although the others are increasingly } further removed from your own.  Perhaps the most obvious one is the } world of cats. Yet another one is -- well, I don't want to scare you. } Let's just say it's a universe where Windows 95 is the most amazing } piece of -- no, really, I guess you've had a bad enough day as it is. } } You owe the Oracle a dozen long-stemmed roses.  'Cuz hey, you've } already lost your chick, but I really need those roses for } you-know-who.  And toss in some chocolates.  No, they're for me.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've got a bunch of different pieces of software, and I need to put > them all together somehow.  What sort of glue should I use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ********************** } *     WELCOME TO     * } * OMNIPOTENT ORRIE'S * } * REALM OF ADHESIVE! * } ********************** } } Serving your adhesive needs since the Dawn of Man and even earlier. } } [A man in khaki slacks and a black golf tee walks up with a name-tag } that says "Hi! I'm ZADOC"] } } Hello there! Feel free to browse our fine selection of sticky and } non-sticky adhesive products. What's that, you say? Trying to fuse } software applications together? No problem! Come check out Aisle 7...Ah } here we are... } } Elmer's: Good for consumption when nourishment is not readily available } and makes neat little balls when you rub it between your hands. } } Mucilage: An unknown substance believed to be the secretions from a } Mephistophelian Devil Bunny (cute, but deadly). Can hold even ex-lovers } together. } } Rubber Cement: This would work great for attaching those program } manuals together so tightly that when you open the package the pages } rip right across the words showing the pathname of the temporary } directory (which gets erased by the program every 2 minutes). } } Masking Tape: Usually this is used for simple papering and craft } projects, but a fact some people don't know is that you can feed it to } foreign terrorists, tell them it's McDonalds, and they wont know the } difference! } } Duck Tape: Ah yes, our most popular, widely-used item in stock. } Attaches everything to everything, and rather well. However, I think } you're going to need something more specialized... } } Crazy Glue: For those who want lasting adhesion, this does the trick. } However, removal of the connected objects usually leaves lasting injury } and lots of hurt feelings. } } Epoxy: As Elwood Blues would say, "Strong stuff..." Necessary only for } boats, gas pedals, and small woodland creatures. } } String: Very versatile, yet not too binding. Tie it around fingers and } it will attach to your brain cells, around rocks to make them come } back....but way too weak for your software problem. } } Loving Words: I don't recommend this type of adhesive...it usually } tends to let go easily, causing severe damage to what it was holding } together...tho while it is working it works remarkably well. } } MS-Adhesive: I think this is just what you need. Some big, faceless } company makes it (along with salsa and oven mitts), but there is } nothing like it (well, there used to, but they were bought out by said } faceless company and streamlined). } } A remarkable polymer, it binds to the software and changes its atomic } structure so that no part is compatible with any other software except } the other programs included in the binding. Perfect way to sell } packages and punish those who try to get them separately. } } Unfortunately we are in a lawsuit with the company because of some } apparent "bad advertising", but tell you what...you can have this trial } tube on me. Don't tell anyone. } } * Thank you for shopping at Omnipotent Orrie's! -STICK- around again! * } ----------------- } } You owe the Oracle some solvent and plenty of bandages.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose self-help workshop is attended by celebrities > and politicians, whose 12 step program has helped Madonna become > a nurturer, whose book "It Takes a Newsgroup" has restored worldwide > respect upon the value of Usenet, whose educational videos are > renowned by both evolution theorists and christian scientists, > and whose line of sneakers are produced by well-paid employees > and are far superior to the competition's... > > Would you share your motivational techniques with me, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, just send me $49.95, and I'll tell you how you can get motivated, } and rich, just like me.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am trying to find a sacrifice worthy of your acceptence. SO, >       WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All the handguns in the US melted down to make a protective sarcophogus } for NRA headquarters.  Terawatt space-lasers for The World Court, } enforcement division. A breeding pair of dodo birds. A "you want fries } with that" job for Alan Greenspan.  A bunch of them little turtles, } without the salmonella.  A ban on all efforts to encourage those who } are disinclined to vote to do so.  A twelve lane skee-ball court in my } basement. A basement. A wall around Texas.  Mail software with a spell } checker.  Severe legal penalties for using canned mushrooms on pizza. } That stegosaurus fossil my sister's boyfriend gave me when I was four. } } You owe the Oracle another #$%&ing pair of Isotoner gloves.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To the star of the epoch, the hardest working entity in > supreme-bizness, the guy who needs no introduction (so tough I'll give > one to you anyway), someone whom without we wouldnt have chucked wood > and woodchuck flesh to feast upon, let's give it up and a big round of > applause to the Oracle, who can give me advice to this quirky, > slaphappy problem in my life: > > Why is it that when asked to verify how much soda is in a 20 oz. bottle > of Surge: > > The mathematician will place a section of the bottle on an axis, > rotate the section of the bottle around the axis and integrate the > volume of the Surge, > > The Chemistry major will take the empirical formula for a mole of > Surge, divide it into the mass of the Surge (which is the mass of the > full bottle minus the mass of an empty bottle) and then multiply by the > molar density to get the volume of the Surge, > > A CmpE major will simply grok the Surge and claim, "Surge > only exists in two states, Surge and absence of Surge, therefore volume > is irrelevant(out of the scope of the circuit)", > > A CS Major would look up from his Sparc terminal in The Pit of Despair > (pop. 37,235,436) and exclaim, "A product from the land where light > exists! It is good." and accidentally spill it onto his keyboard > > A Management Major would create a department consisting of teams of all > the above majors then have them file reports which consequently get > lost in the Red [Tape] Sea? > > There's a question in there somewhere, and I defy you to find it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem with you, son, aside from the sheer stupidity of using the } word "defy" in a message to the Oracle, is that all of your examples } are from the academic world. You need to consider some real-world } possibilities: } } A bureaucrat in the Food and Drug Administration would draft a } regulation requiring all 20-ounce bottles of Surge to be opened and the } contents measured before they could be sold. } } A Democratic Senator from California would make it a felony to posess } any bottle of Surge that could hold more than 10 ounces. } } An Australian media mogul would simply buy up all the bottles of Surge. } } A Citizen of the Republic of Texas would be convinced that it was a } conspiracy hatched by the Defacto U.S. Government. } } The wife of a casino owner in New Jersey wouldn't get within 100 yards } of a bottle of Surge -- or anyone who actually drinks the stuff. } } The Chinese Government would try to steal the bottle and then donate it } to the White House. } } An agent of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms would shoot the } bottle and ask questions later. } } A mutual fund manager would simply call up the production department at } the Surge plant and ask them how they maintain quality control. } } Got it? } } Good. Now you owe the Oracle a 500ml bottle of Wild Turkey.