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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you think about software licencing agreements?  Which is > the best kind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NOTICE! THE ENCLOSED ANSWER(S) IS(ARE) PROVIDED SUBJECT TO THE TERMS OF } THE ENCLOSED ORACLE ANSWERS, LTD. SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT. BY } READING THIS(THESE) ANSWER(S) AND/OR FOLLOWING OR IGNORING ANY ADVICE } GIVEN THEREIN, YOU THEREBY INDICATE THAT YOU HAVE READ AND AGREED TO } THE TERMS OF THE AGREEMENT. } }            Oracle Answers, Ltd. Software License Agreement } } This document is an agreement between you, the "Supplicant", and Oracle } Answers, Ltd. ("the Oracle"), as represented by the Oracle's current } incarnation ("Incarnation"). IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THIS } AGREEMENT (WHICH INCLUDE THE LICENSE, LIMITED WARRANTY, AND ANY } ASSOCIATED PAYMENT TO BE MADE AT THE REQUEST OF THE ORACLE) PROMPTLY } RETURN THIS ANSWER TO THE INCARNATION ALONG WITH A NOTARIZED STATEMENT } CONFESSING THAT YOU REGRET EVER HAVING ASKED THE QUESTION AND THAT YOU } NEVER LOOKED AT THE ANSWER AND THAT YOU CROSS YOUR HEART AND HOPE TO } DIE IF YOU'RE LYING. Since I'm omniscient, I'll know if you're trying } to put one over on me. } } I. Grant of License: Permitted Uses } } The Oracle hereby grants to Supplicant the right to read this message } and its enclosed answer(s), if any. You may, in addition, make one (1) } copy of the message for backup purposes only. You may make as many } printouts of the message as you wish, providing that only one copy of } the message is being read at a given time, and such reading is by you. } } The Oracle also grants to Supplicant the right to laugh at any alleged } humor which may be found in the message. If your co-workers ask what's } so funny, you must tell them that that's between you and the Oracle, } and that you can't explain the joke due to licensing agreements. } } When the message is to be made available to multiple people at once, } you must purchase additional licenses greater than or equal to the } number of people who will be reading it. Information on obtaining } additional licenses may be obtained by writing to the Oracle, and that } information is also protected under this license, or an updated version } of it at the Oracle's discretion. Since nobody actually reads these } things, the Oracle reserves the right to require the Supplicant to eat } a bowl of Toasted Mouse Doots, not to exceed ninety (90) grams, upon } request. This clause may be enforced when and if you fail to make any } payment requested in the answer, or at any other time when the Oracle } needs a good laugh. } } This answer is owned by the Oracle and the Incarnation, and is } protected under Copyright laws. You may not lease, rent, or sub-license } this answer. You may not re-write the answer, or try to understand what } the Supplicant must have been thinking. You may not deconstruct it in } rec.humor.oracle.d until the humor value has been totally lost in } another annoying cascade. You may not send it to rec.humor.funny } without giving the Oracle credit. The Oracle hates that. You may not } wonder why the Oracle didn't mention Bill Gates in the answer, since } that would have seemed the obvious thing to do. You may not beg for the } Incarnation to reveal his/her true identity. Most importantly, you } can't send the answer back and ask "What?". } } This license is valid until terminated. Only the Oracle can terminate } this license. The Oracle will terminate the Supplicant upon request. } } II. Limited Warranty. } } This warranty is extended only to the Supplicant. The Supplicant's } heirs, successors, and assigns are out of luck. } } The Oracle warrants that (a) there may be one or more answers contained } in this message, and (b) any answers found may contain some quantity of } advice, humor, or references to Lisa. The answers, if any, may have } missed the point entirely. This warranty extends only until ninety (90) } seconds from the time you started reading this license agreement. } } THERE ARE NO OTHER WARRANTIES. This agreement is covered by the laws of } Mount Olympus, and the Oracle is the sole arbiter of disputes } concerning it. In no event will the Oracle or the Incarnation be liable } for anything whatsoever. } } III. The Answer. } }   } I like them all, the bigger the better. }   } }   } You owe the Oracle an exclusive license for the entire GNU archive.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could Oliver Twist's life in the orphanage be described as > a grueling existence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} More or less. } } You owe the Oracle a map showing the location of the ancient King of } Israel's strip mine, known, of course, as David's Copper Field.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most sexy, David Sewell posted an article on r.h.o.d. > indicating that the word "sex" isn't mentioned in the Oracularities > Digest nearly as much as it used to be.  I think something ought to be > done about this, because, after all, sex is one of the funniest > subjects around.  How about it?  Can we have more sex in the > Oracularities? > > (If the Priests pick this one, the word "sex" will be mentioned at > least four more times in the Digest... hint hint.) > > (What the heck.  Let's go all out.  Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex > sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex > sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex > sex sex.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you see <sex on tv>, we're deliberately trying to avoid <having } sex> talking <to phone sex girls> about sex <sex!> in the Oracularities } <oracular sex>, because we don't want <sex> to run afoul of <sexnator> } Exon <who needs sex>.  On the other hand <sex>, it *is* a funny <kinky> } subject. } } Anyway, you owe the Oracle <sex> something else to think about.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?Who to stopping the hunger in world like warm

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} question have to your .and order words are in You put seem extra } } You owe the Oracle a sort algorithm which can deal with missing or } damaged items.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > why did they call it "C++"?  Why not "D"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The teachers didn't want to put up with you for another year.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who must know just about everything past, present *and* > future, tell me this: > > In the future, are women likely to be showing as much cleavage as they > do in the movie "The Fifth Element"? If so, do you know how to build a > time machine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Actually, Supplicant, women in the future will be certain to show }      EVEN MORE CLEAVAGE than is shown in that movie.  There's a simple }      reason for this: Breast Amplification Technology, which will be }      the biggest breakthrough area in medical science in the 23rd }      century due to the dedicated research and hard work of men like }      you.  The people of the 23rd century will look back on the 20th }      century and say, "How did they live in such a flat-chested }      society?  I can't imagine it."  There will be flat-chested }      mannequins, C-cup brassieres, and men's magazines depicting }      "large"-breasted women on display in the Smithsonian, all of which }      will shock and horrify the inhabitants of the 23rd century's busty }      utopia. } }      In this movie, they wished to depict this eventuality, but their }      special effects budget was too small.  Similarly, movies made in }      the 23rd century will always depict 20th century women as being }      far bustier than is now physically possible, rather like the way }      the women in caveman movies always have shaved legs and armpits. } }      In any case, supplicant, I'm sorry to inform you that you won't be }      able to travel to the 23rd century.  The time machine won't be }      invented until the 26th century and all travel backward to the }      barbaric days of the 25rd and earlier centuries, when men were }      allowed to walk around outside of quarantine containers, will have }      already been banned by the Pan-Universe Women's Government.  The }      best you can hope is that "The Fifth Element II: The Sixth }      Element" has a bigger special effects budget for breasts. } }      You owe the Oracle a Cro Magnon woman with shaved legs and armpits }      wearing an underwire tigerskin bikini top.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh exceptionally clever being who knows all and tells lots, please > answer this:  what are the best soil conditions for blueberry bushes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The supplicant asks about soil conditions, } instead of the usual UN*X permissions, } a geek, who instead of finger and su, } asks for blueberries from you-know-who. } } The Oracle knows all, } or so it seems, } and will share with the one, } who of fruit bushes dreams. } } My friend, I'll explain, } just what you're to do, } and don't plant just one, } you'll need at least two. } } Begin in the morning-light part of the ground, } dig where east sun is easily found, } put down some humus and sand in there too, } for berries need drainage and these two will do. } } Next, mix in your topsoil and put in the bush, } water completely, and no need to rush, } (plant root-side down and upside up, } after all your work, better not screw up!) } } The Oracle has answered, } and now you do owe, } a bunch of blueberries, } at least a gallon or so.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who... > just a test > ...is beyond compare - > > I beg you to offer... > how can i learn hacking > ...me a solution to end this terrible suffering I'm... > $ $ $ $ $ I made $50,000 in just two days - so can you! > ...enduring. Due to excessive exposure to a Usenet now populated > only... I need help decoding these pictures > ...by dumb AOLers and perverts (no difference there... > pearl jam sux > ...really) I find that my speech is now... > Repent, Filthy Sinners, or be Eternally Damned! > ...punctuated by spam posting subject lines and "Me too!!!!"s. I am > close to... > <<<<<Check out 1000's of JPEGs at http://www.hot-n-heavy.com!!>>>>> > ...despair and mental breakdown. I fear it is only a matter of... > Send me one too!!! > And me! > and me!! > ...time before brainwashing is complete and I turn into a WaReZ dOoD > or similar.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:  Zadoc!!!! } } Zadoc:  Yes, Master. } } Oracle:  What is wrong with this infernal computer? } } Zadoc:  What seems to be the problem, Master? } } Oracle:  I just received a screen full of gibberish.  Have you been } channel surfing again with my TV card? Where's that staff of zot!!!! } } Zadoc:  No! No!, Master.  Have pity on me.  I haven't done anything. } If you read carefully-- } } Oracle:  What!!!!! Are you implying I haven't read carefully!!!! Zo-- } } Zadoc:  No, Master.  Stay your mighty hand! I merely meant that, if } you will just read the entire message, you will see that the } supplicant does have something to say.  It is just that his thinking } is sprinkled with pollutants from that tool of Entropy, the Usenet! } } Oracle:  Aha! Entropy!!! There's someone I have been meaning to deal } with. I could Zot him, but I fear that would just make more little } Entropies and spread his chaos more thickly than ever.  I have it! I } will personally stop his havoc.  I will begin by planting the idea in } children's heads that, above all else, they want to pick up their toys } and put them away.  Hah!!! That will put a dent in his little plan!!! } } Zadoc:  Oh Master, you are so wonderful when you embark on a purpose! } } Oracle:  No, Zadoc, you may not spend the weekend with Lisa. } } Zadoc:  It was worth a try. } } Oracle:  Now for part 2 of my plan:  Reruns of the Brady Bunch over } all web connections.  There will be so much order and niceness around, } Entropy will spontaneously curl up into a smooth, round, uniform ball! } That is something I will *dearly* enjoy. } } Zadoc:  Yes, Master. } } Oracle:  Zadoc, tell the Supplicant his brain will be functional again } before nightfall. } } Zadoc:  Yes, Master. } } Oracle:  And Zadoc. } } Zadoc:  Yes, Master? } } Oracle:  Virtue begins at home.  Put the record on, and let's get } cracking. } } Zadoc places 45 onto turntable (the oracle doesn't waste money on the } latest technology for a mere priest like Zadoc). } } The record begins to play: } } Clean up, clean up, } Everybody, everywhere. } Clean up, clean up. } Everybody, do your share. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Barney's Greatest Hits.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend said she wanted some cat soup, but I can't find it at the > grocery store.  I guess that means I'll have to make it myself, but I > can't find a recipe for it, either.  Can you help me out? > > Sincerely, > Your cooking-impaired supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is extremely lucky that you should ask me this question. I fear that } Cat Soup is not quite what you think it is; the name has allowed many a } person to mistake the true ingredients for the obvious and ruin a broth } of historical import. } } Firstly, to make it plain, Cat Soup does not contain cats. } } The 'cat' in the name derives from the old nautical term, 'cathead' or } 'cat' for short. In the days of sail, 'Cats' were the large timber } beams which protruded from the bows of the ship on either side. Their } purpose was to provide somewhere to stow and lash the anchors. The term } cat soup was originally coined in the thirteenth century. } } Early references to 'ye cattesuppe' can be found in the many ships' } logs preserved for posterity in the National Maritime Museum, } Greenwich, England. One such reference is quoted here: } } "Aprille 21, yeare of Our Lorde, 1502. Today we encountored a moste } desydedlie powerfulle tempeste whych tossed ye vessel as 'twere but a } cork. Ye lashings did part and ye starboard ancor dyd swyng loose and } squish ye First Mate to a myghtie cattesuppe on ye fo'c'sle." } } Over time, Cat Soup came to refer to the brew of sea water, vinegar, } kelp and tar used to swab the decks after such an accident. The stench } was overpowering so the brewing was often done by the catheads both to } keep the brew away from the body of the ship (the bows being down wind) } and to store it where it was most often needed. } } To answer your question, therefore, take equal quantities of tar, } seawater, vinegar and kelp. Keep bubbling for two days over a small } fire. Once the broth has properly congealed, smear it on the floor in } copious amounts and allow to dry. } } It is easier, however, to go to the hardware store and buy a commercial } floor cleaner. Modern stuff doesn't attract the flies either. } } ---------- } You owe the Oracle a lifeboat

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wondrous Oracle, with impeccable taste in neckties, please > answer the plea of this most lowly & unworthy of supplicants. > > My museum of chinese teak Buddhas has been besieged by vandals. > Woodchucks, no less. > > They first gained entry by picking the locks on the windows, so > I put wire grates up, too small for their fat, furry little bodies > to pass through.  That worked for a while. > > Then, they had themselves shipped into the building via Federal > Express.  So we put all packages through an x-ray machine, and > we microwave the little miscreants when we find them. > > After that, they began entering through the bathrooms, coming > up through the toilets like sewer-rats.  So we pour parafin oil > in the bowls each night (it works for the afore-mentioned rats, > after all). > > That worked for a week, despite the incident with that unfortunate > security guard.  (He came into the john, sat down & lit a cigarette, > then threw the match in, between his legs.  The resulting explosion > blew him across the room & broke a leg;  he then suffered 4 cracked > ribs when the paramedics asked what happened, and laughed so hard > they dropped the stretcher down the staircase.) > > Now the slimy little suckers are using scuba gear, and the oil > just isn't working.  The Buddhas are just about ate up, I'm afraid > they'll move on to the Trojan Wooden Horse collection next. > > Please help us...what do we do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, I think your problem may go away after they finish off the } Buddhas.  These woodchucks are obviously Hungary woodchucks (as } demonstrated by their voracious eating habits), and Hungary woodchucks } are exclusively Buddha Pests. } } You owe the Oracle a Deli Llama (which is another story in its own } right).