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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, whose inane ramblings on a morning after are more > lucid than the writings of the finest philosopher known to man, please > help this humble supplicant: > > When I put a CD into my CD player, I can hear a symphony, Bruce > Springstien or a myriad of other stuff.  How do they clone all these > people and fit them on these tiny discs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's funny you should mention that philosopher.  Most philosophers } spent their time wondering if they can get the last article they need } for tenure out of such questions as "How can an omnipotent God be } reconciled with the existance of Evil?" or "How many angels can dance } on the head of a pin?" or "Why was Socrates such an annoying old } bugger?"  The reason they're struggling so hard is that they're asking } the wrong questions.  For example, how many angels can dance on the } head of a pin is a meaningless question, because angels don't dance on } pins -- they dance on CDs, and what your CD player does is amplify the } music they make so that you can hear it. } } Thus, the answer to the philosophers' question is "About 72 mintues } worth."  The answer to your question is "They don't." } } You owe the Oracle a comprehensible translation of Derrida.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O well balanced Oracle, in touch with your inner feelings, > > How can I please my inner child?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eat your toys.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle > Thank you for having offered me top 10 newsgroup address, > I am a novice, would you please tell me more about how to subscribe and > unsubscribe these newsgroup via E-mail? I 'd like to know what should I > write in address , Subject, and text region.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Write anything you want in those sections, but be sure to use a black } magic marker with permanent ink (preferably a "Sharpie"). } } You owe the Oracle a monitor you haven't scribbled on.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle, most poetic, who bestows wisdom upon the humble supplicant, > but who will roast eternally those who dare the forbidden question > [over flames fed with wood chucked in by the monaxi of perdition] tell > me: > > I saw this poem, is it worthy? or but a zot upon the infrequently > washed face of the earth? > > Woodchuck, woodchuck burning bright > 'Neath the zottage of the night > what infernal hand or eye > formed thy strange assymetri?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        In what distant deeps or skies }        Burnt the zot in thine eyes? }        On what wings dare you aspire? }        What question, dare seize the fire? } }        And what grovel, & what art, }        Could twist the sinews of my heart? }        And when my heart began to beat, }        What dread hand? & what dread feet? } }        What the supplicant? what the priest? }        In what furnace was the beast? }        What the zot? what dread gasp }        Dare its deadly terrors rasp? } }        When the oracle was young in years, }        And water'd heaven with his tears, }        Did he smile at them to see? }        He who made woodchuck make thee. } }        Supplicant Supplicant! burning bright }        In the zottage of my might, }        My immortal hand and eye }        Dare zot thy fearful symmetry? } } You owe William Blake a sincere apology.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        Wonderous all-knowing all-seeing all-wise Oracle > >        To whom the number of stars in the sky is just another >        statistic, > >        He's single. > >        He and I were sharing the office. I took a phone call. > >        The line I used after I hung up was "Bummer - tonight's date has >        cancelled, and I've already made sure I had nothing else on. Now >        what am I going to do on this cold and wet Saturday night." > >        He said nothing. > >        Is he really that thick, or is he just not interested?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He's just another statistic.  He may be single, but he's a cold } fish.  When you took that phone call, he was perched on the edge } of his seat because he'd been NAILED THERE. } } He's been dead for two weeks.  Really, you gotta work on this } attraction you have to unavailable men. } } You owe the Oracle a stiff drink.  Make it a zombie.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: zadoc@cs.indiana.edu > From: billg@microsoft.com > Subject: Work commensurate to your ability! > > Zadoc: > >   As you may be aware, MicroSoft is planning to expand into the > oracular business, by moving staff from our customer support lines to > provide Answers from our valued customers. > >   In the fine tradition of MicroSoft, I am proud to offer you this > chance to become the MS-Oracle.  Your duties will include: > >  o Answering of MS-Questions; >  o Managing a large number of MS-Priests, whose task will be to feed >    your brilliance, and improve our service; >  o Weilding the Staff of ZOT^H^H^HZappity-Zap. > >   Of course, our renumeration package is second to none, and there is > significant opportunity for career advancement within the new > MS-Oracle.  (Though I can't think where to---after all, you would be > _the MS-Oracle_.) > >   Yours, > >   Bill Gates. >   ``Linux was invented by foreign terrorists to take money away from >     good American companies like MicroSoft.''

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Gates: } } While I am greatly impressed by your offer, after weighing the pros and } cons of it, I find that I must respectfully decline.  So that you may } understand my position, I've provided this list of comparison points: } } THE USENET ORACLE                    MICROSOFT } -----------------                    --------- } * Omnipotent, bad-tempered           * Extremely wealthy, bad-tempered }   immortal being is head               mortal being is head honcho }   honcho } } * Located on campus of Indiana U     * Located on Microsoft campus } } * Receive scorn of millions for      * Receive scorn of millions for }   lame one-line answers                browser security holes } } * Receive praise of millions for     * Receive praise for Windows NT }   clever answers like #638-08          after spending millions to bribe }                                        journalists } } * IDIOTS WHO SEND QUESTIONS IN       * MSN }   ALL CAPS } } * Woodchucks                         * Windows 95 } } So, as you can see, although the potential benefits are tempting, I } find that the actual work involved would be a good deal more stressful. }  In the hopes that you can find a more suitable candidate, I remain, } } Zadoc, } Oracular Assistant, } Indiana University. } }   "Microsoft was invented by domestic terrorists.  Remember, it's }    no longer an import industry."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and all seeing oracle................... why didn't Dorothy > take the socks along with the shoes from the wicked witch in the W of > O?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} you obviously don't know how she came by the name "wicked" } } the name came from her wicked smelling feet - which is why she was } wearing socks and slippers together (not a fetching look). } } if you had been within a couple of metres of the witch's feet, you } would understand wholly why the socks were left exactly where they were } } you owe the oracle some noseplugs and a copy of W of O in smellovision

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shoot me now!  Shoot me now! > > I demand that you shoot me now!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, Daffy, it's rabbit season. } } You owe the Oracle a basketball with a "Wizard" feature

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and omniscient Oracle, who really does know how many licks it > takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop- > > How well equipped are you for the new millenium? I've been reading > countless horror stories predicting that world finance, communications, > and transportation will be brought to its knees on New Year's Day 2000 > because some morons 30 years ago couldn't foresee the need to express > years in four digits instead of two. > > Are your operations prepared for the year 2000? If not, what do you > suppose would happen if you don't upgrade, and let the Millenium Bug > run its course?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, there is a much more urgent problem. } } When Oracularities Digest #1000 comes out in June 1998, the } repercussions will be felt worldwide.  At that moment, the Internet } Oracle will cease to exist as you currently know him.  In his place, } the AntiOracle will appear, ready to torment Supplicants for a thousand } thousands of years with such witty retorts as "U 5UCK, U L0053R!!!1!!". }  Incarnations will be similarly stricken; the Chinese water torture is } nothing in comparison to a woodchuck question each and every minute of } the day.  The Computer Science department at Indiana University } will be consumed in a gigantic fireball, as the Oracle's server } attempts to fit the Oracle's entire wisdom into the void created by } Digest 000.  The web pages at pcnet will explode in a more cybernetic } fashion, causing packets to be sent in a worldwide shock wave, } overpowering the backbone and bringing the entire Internet to its } knees. } } I could go on, but there's no time to lose.  You owe the Oracle a nice } coffin.  I want it made of hand-carved rosewood, with a royal blue } velvet interior, and decorated with rhinestones.  You'd better get } started building it now.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty sage wise Oracle, > > On registering for a lot of services on the Net I've tried to use > "Ender" as my id, but in almost all cases this was already in use by > another user. > Why is Ender always in use as a user id when I want to use it myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drat!  He's on to me!