Goto:

910, 910-01, 910-02, 910-03, 910-04, 910-05, 910-06, 910-07, 910-08, 910-09, 910-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wood would a man walk down before you can call him Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dylan isn't even dead yet, and we already have applicants for his job. } } Incredible.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle oh so wise and wonderful, tell me > > Who were Little Orphan Annie's parents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's suprising noone has yet figured this out.  They really } look quite similar, with hollow eyes, freckles, and red hair. } } She is the "love child" of Raggedy Anne & Andy, who knew } that if word ever got out, their careers would be over. } } You owe the Oracle a "Mr. Natural" doll.  The one with } that comes *with* pants.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one, tolerant of all things lactosian, enlighten this poor > soul, > > What would you do for a Klondike Bar(TM) ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Klondike Bar... <sigh> } } One of my fondest memories of the last century was my days spent at the } Klondike Bar up in the Yukon. The separation of the various colonies } from  the influences of Eurpoean politics generated a seemingly endless } torrent of questions ("Whye dost ye ingrateful settlers wishe to part } from Our Soverign protection?" "Forsooth, howe many fallen trees could } one of the Colonies' industrious woodland creatures transferre were he } predisposed in such manner?") In those days, I needed to be in the } goose business just to keep myself supplied with quills. Immediacy was } not nearly the concern it is today (carrier pigeons and messengers were } fine back then, now Kinzler gets his shorts in a bunch when I have to } fall back to only a T3 line). } } I decided I needed a break and headed for the Canadian mountains. I } found the Klondike Bar in what first looked like a rough and tumble } mining town, but when I settled in, I found a number of fellow } travelers and intellectuals there. It seems that the reports of the } gold strike were so compelling that even the educated classes were } getting into the act. (Today we have History Ph.D's driving taxi cabs, } back then, they were panning for gold.) } } I had a marvellous time, holding court in the back of the saloon, } talking about philosophy, politics, religion, science; anything and } everything. I didn't even have to answer all the questions. I really } enjoyed myself. } } The only thing that brought me back to "civilization" was a growing } hatred of Jacques Offenbach's music. Even an immortal begin can listen } to "Can Can" only so many times before beginning to lose touch with } one's sanity. } } I would do lots of different things to recreate that kind of experience } here. } } In rereading your question, it appears that you refer to a particular } brand of hard chocolate-covered ice cream confection developed by the } Isaly's company. For one of these, I would spend some time reminiscing } about the "good old days" with a Supplicant. } } You owe the Oracle a Klondike Bar (TM).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O labyrinthine one, > > The toilet down the hall from my office has a white seat in the > traditional open-oval form used with high-volume commodes, i.e. > ones with a pressurized flush instead of a tank.  Anyway, > on the underside of the seat (you will divine that I am male) > is imprinted the word "OLSONITE". > > I have never heard of Olsonite and am wondering what kind of > material it is.  Can you enlighten me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should have checked the others... } The first letter ("M") has been scratched off. } A Molsonite is a used beer repository. } } You owe the Oracle a dry bud.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who is wiser than Ziggy and Garfield, please tell me: > >       Assuming that the characters in Peanuts were to ever start aging, > what would they grow up to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant, I shall endeavor to persevere.  Now, let me just } start up the Way-Back Machine...oops, wrong gadget.  Let me get down } the crystal ball... } } Schroeder grows up to be a frustrated grunge musician; despite his } obvious talent, he's never discovered and spends the rest of his life } bagging groceries during the week and playing in grubby clubs on } weekends.  He becomes the bitterest living human being before he's } forty. } } Pigpen grows up to be the drummer in Schroeder's band. } } Linus, that pathetic weakling, overdoses on heroin and dies a week } before his twentieth birthday.  Sally commits suicide upon learning of } this. } } Rerun grows up to get a degree in psychology, and will draw on his } experiences watching the screwed-up antics of the others to write a } bunch of touchy-feely pop-psychology books. } } Roosevelt gets a football scholarship to Stanford, and, after the end } of a professional career, becomes a motivational speaker, and, later } on, a daytime talk show host. } } Lucy becomes a professional dominatrix. } } Peppermint Patty, along with what's-her-name with the glasses, becomes } a nationally-known lesbian activist. } } Snoopy dies of rabies around the time Charlie Brown's voice changes. } } Woodstock is caught and eaten by Heathcliff, on a raiding foray from } another strip. } } And Charlie Brown grows up to get a job with the postal service; one } day he brings an AK-47 to work, and kills eighteen of his co-workers } before the cops cut him down.  All the statements given to the police } afterwards agree on one thing--"He was such a quiet man, and he seemed } like such a nice guy." } } You owe the Oracle some extra magazines for this AK-47.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of Oracles, worthy of the highest odium, answer me this: >       Wh_r_ h_v_ m_ v_w_ls g_n_? C_n y__ h_lp m_ f_nd th_m? Pl__s_!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Embarrassing isn't it? But it happens to us all. }       Whenever I have loose vowels I use Pepto-Vanna. }       It's expensive, but it works! } } You owe the Oracle a "p".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, dear Oracle, tell me, how I can get the file 'SONIC2.ZIP' for the > SEGA Genesis Emulator

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant, the answer to your question is a complex one. } } You must build a bonfire and use it to heat a 55-gallon drum full of a } 50-50 mixture of muriatic acid and carbon tetrachloride.  Take a piece } of chalk and draw a pentagram on the ground in front of the bonfire. } Then get a rat and a magic marker.  Write on its back:  SONIC2.ZIP } } When the carbon tetrachloride starts to simmer, sacrifice a rat by } biting its head off.  Spit the head into the flames.  Then take the } carcass in your left hand, by the tail, and swing it nine times } clockwise around your head. } } As you swing the rat, chant thusly: } } 1 @m a h@c|<3r aNd I Ne3d kEwl w@r3zzz! } } Throw the rat into the barrel.  Walk home, and do not think of camels. } } The G0dZ oF w@r3z will then grant your wish.  And when you get back } home, the file SONIC2.ZIP will be on your hard drive, in a hidden } directory with the path c:\w@r3z\g0dz\s+uFf. } } You owe the Oracle some k3wl w@r3zzz that will run on this old } Commodore VIC-20.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I see we have a new Spam King on the net.  I > speak, of course, of Sanford Wallace, President of Cyber Promotions.  I > was just wondering:  is Sanford Wallace in any way related to Jeff > Slaton, the former self-styled SpAmKiNg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GLASGOW, FRIDAY - Scientests have admitted that Dolly the Sheep is } not the only animal to have been cloned since the cloning technology } was developed last year.  Professor Robert Gordon Clyde McPherson, } head of the Genetic Research Unit, revealed yesterday that there was, } indeed, an attempt to clone a human; but that the results were "not } what we expected". } } "Actually, it was a pretty horrifying experience," recounted } Professor McPherson.  "We knew that attempting to clone a human would } not be acceptable, so we used Joel Furr instead, hoping to } avoid any possible outrage.  What happened next was, I hope, } something that will never be repeated in scientific history." } } Professor McPherson went on to describe how one of his lab } assistants was handling the cell samples and eating a Spam sandwich } at the same time. } } "We never realized that the samples had been contaminated until  the } cell cultures were incubated.  When we opened the incubator, we were } immediately attacked.  Two creatures calling themselves Jeff and } Sanford leapt out and attempted to sell us computer paper and life } insurance.  They escaped the facility shortly after, despite the } tight security we placed on them while we decided what to do." } } Worldwide condemnation has resulted from the Glasgow revelation. } The scientific community has joined in, and an international ban on } cloning humans has been announced. } } "I just hope that others learn from our experience", stated Professor } McPherson.  "Cloning humans is just too dangerous." } } You owe the Oracle an international ban on woodchuck cloning.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, on the 'net, > tell me and I won't forget: > why do people's bodies sweat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <MODE = PROFESSORIAL> }         A level III examination (using an HP579 NMR, an MS MEDCAD 7.2, } and a 50 MHz EM) of the subdermal hematic layer of the tarsal, } metatarsal, and cerebral meninges will reveal that they contain a } partially compacted layer of epithelial structures.  These structures } "bond with" dihydrooxgenase (water) molecules in an attempt to enrich } the quantum p-levels of their innermost Dirac shell...to steal an } analogy that one of my freshmen made recently, these structures bond } with water molecules in an attempt to "fill up their lives, dude." } When these structures are thermally excited, their p-level capacity } fluxes away from the volume provided by the currently-bonded } dihydrooxygenase molecule, causing them to seek a bonding which } provides a closer match to their new level.  This displaces the } currently-bonded dihydrooxygenase molecule, which is now repelled } by the previous bonding site.  Since the epithelial structures are } partially compacted, they provide a more efficient barrier to the } molecules, whereas the epidermis superior to the molecules is quite } porous; therefore, the water molecules migrate upwards and ultimately } to the surface of the skin. } </MODE> } } <MODE = LOCKER ROOM> }         In other words, when you get hot, you sweat because all of your } partially compacted epithelial structures are looking for new } girlfriends and the old ones have to go somewhere. } </MODE>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % man spam

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to the official SPAM nutrition facts label, the total % RDA } (recommended daily allowance) of "man" in "SPAM" is "0%". It does not } actually however reveal the recommended daily allowance of "man" or } "woman" for that matter. Further questions are refered to the NMMC } (National Miscelaneous Meat Council).