Goto:

915, 915-01, 915-02, 915-03, 915-04, 915-05, 915-06, 915-07, 915-08, 915-09, 915-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, to whom no one can deny. To the great and omnipotent > one. To the one necessary being that Anselm spoke of, I direct this > question. > > Is Riothamus Arthur?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unlikely, though I suppose the chronology would just about allow } it. Riothamus was a leader of the Britons escaping from the Saxon } revolt in England and settling in northern Gaul around 458 AD. } The only historical record we have are the letters sent to him by } Bishop Sidonius of Clermont-Ferrand in 460. Riothamus is remembered } in the legends of Brittany along with Gradlon and other leaders of } the mid-fifth century. } } *yawn* } } Oh, excuse me, supplicant. I've been up all night clearing the } backlog in the questions queue and, frankly, I'm knackered. } Exhaustion seems to bring out the pedant in me. } } Where was I? Oh, yes. It is generally agreed that Arthur was the } victor at the Battle of Badon Hill, which Gildas asserts took } place 43 years before he wrote his chronicle, say around 495. } The Cambrian annals put the death of Arthur... mmmm, this is so } soporifically boring... er, put the death of Arthur 21 years } after Badon Hill, say, at a conservative estimate, 515. Now } if *yawn*... mmm... say, if Riothamus was about 20 at the time } of the emigration, then... then... zzz... he would have been, if } he was... zzz... Arthur, he would have been... zzz... zzzzzz... } } zzzzzzzzzzzz... } } Arthur: Whom dost fancy for the 3:30? } Oracle: Zzzzz... *snuffle*... What? Eh, eh, what? } Arthur: Awaken, Merlin, thou dozy old beggar. } Oracle: I wasn't asleep! I was momentarily distracted. Sorry - you }       were saying, Sire? } Arthur: The 3:30. Prithee, on whom wouldst have me place my bet? } Oracle: Oh, ah, Lancelot, every time. } Arthur: Sir Launcelot du Lac is gone from our midst, is he not? }       Longtime hath he been ensnared by the wiles of the Fair }       Maid of Astolat withal. } Oracle: Oh yeah, I forgot. Er, I meant Galahad. } Arthur: Gramercy, Merlin! Sir Galahad the Pure hath not been spied }       in the kingdom sithen he departed on the Quest for the Holy }       Grail, everybody knoweth that! Fie, man, what ails thee? }       Meseemeth ye are getting senile! Is't time I took unto my }       employ a new magician? } Oracle: No, no, Arty! I'm onto it, no sweat! Erm, what's the form? } Arthur: Sir Gawain 5:2, Sir Perceval 4:1, Sir Breunis Saunce Pitie }       16:1, Sir Hontzlake de Wendtland 33:1... } Oracle: Riothamus! } Arthur: What sayest thou? } Oracle: Put the lot on Riothamus! } Arthur: There is listed no knight of that name . } Oracle: There isn't? } Arthur: I'faith not. There is a Sir Roger the Ridiculous at 200:1. }       Mayhap this is he whom you mean? } Oracle: Er... yeah. Probably. } Arthur: This is no cozenage? Thou art sure? } Oracle: Yeah, absolutely. It's a cert. Go ahead, Arty - you'll }       make a packet. } Arthur: Very well. Sir Tote! Five thousand ducats on Sir Roger }       the Ridiculous! } Bookie: If thou sayest so, Your Majesty, but thou'lt lose thy }       doublet. } } *yawn* } } You owe the Oracle... mmm... You owe the Oracle a... zzzzz... } zzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the moon changing its shape all the time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The moon is in the federal witness relocation program.  It has to keep } changing so that the bad people who are after it won't catch on. } } You owe the Oracle a lunar eclipse.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you make a woodchuck float?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Take your foot off it's head.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most lexicographically aware, > Is "non-autonymic" an autonym?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, one of those smartarse questions from a language student. Where's } that staff...wait a minute, perhaps there's a hidden meaning. I'll } just reverse the letters... } }  ?mynotua ne "cimynotua-non sI } } Of course, Spanish. Missed the last character and a few spaces but I'm } in a forgiving mood right now. OK, for all you non-Spanish speakers } out there, the question reads: } }  My notua, no see my notua, yes? } } A literal interpretation, I think you'll agree, but the meaning is } clear and as you are probably aware, notua is the indentation made in } paella after the chicken drumstick is transfered to the diners plate. } } The answer, mi amigo, is you cannot see your notua because the hombre } to your right filled it in when he stole your drumstick. He hid it } under his sombrero and thinks you are stupid for not noticing. I } suggest that you retreive it and insert it in his [DELETED]. } } You owe the Oracle the recipe for [DELETED] and a green card.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, WILL I GET PROMOTED

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not with the lame kissing up technique you got going there.  You should } know by now that the currency of the business world is FLATTERY of the } most blatant, shameless sort and plenty of it. } } Now let's look at what you're doing wrong.  "Oracle most wise"--well, } that goes without saying--any nit could come up with that one.  To } really grease the tracks of a flagging career, you've got to venture } into the dark regions of conscienceless hyperbole.  Much as I hate to do } it, I've got to hand this one over now to the real god of ass kissing. } } [CALLS] Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC! } } [ZADOC SHUFFLES OUT OF THE CLOSET, CRINGING, ON KNEES] } } ZADOC:  You called, Your Hyperhandsomeness? } } ORACLE: (ASIDE TO SUPPLICANT] See what I mean? } } [TO ZADOC]:  Yeah, Zadoc, I was just telling this supplicant that the } way to get promoted is to hit the turbo switch on the sucking up, and I } wanted you to demonstrate your technique. } } [ZADOC]: Of course, Ye Whose Every Ventilation is Like a Gentle Breeze } from a Springtime Garden, Whose Stomach Grumblings Are a Symphony, Whose } Nostril Hair Has More Body Than Anna Nicole Smith...um, did you say, } "the way to get promoted"? } } ORACLE:  Yeah, yeah, you're doing great, keep going. } } ZADOC:  But Master, I've slobbered over you like an infant for eons, and } I've never been promoted! } } ORACLE:  Yeah, well, thanks, Zadoc.  You can go now. } } ZADOC:  I didn't even know I COULD be promoted--you mean there's more to } life than huddling in the closet and washing your underwear?  What's } next for me?  Scrubbing your loo?  Giving you a pedicure?  I'M READY TO } MOVE UP.....! } } [ORRIE SHOVES ZADOC BACK IN THE CLOSET AND TURNS THE KEY] } } ORACLE:  Well, supplicant, you get the idea.  Now get out there and } brown-nose! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of all the Dilbert cartoons taped to the walls } of your cubicle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most beloved of the really smart guys, please tell me... > > I've awakened alive everyday for the last twenty seven years.  I have > never been dead for that time.  Wouldn't logic indicate that after 9,954 > consecutive mornings where I'm not dead, I should never die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SEEKER OF WISDOM ALSO SEEKS LIFE } } After nearly 10,000 consecutive days of not being dead, an anonymous } seeker of wisdom ran out of luck.  Earlier this week he realized } that in asking the question of the allmighty Oracle he has confirmed } that he does not have a life at all.  His reaction was an obscure } suicide note with the words "facinating proof" scrawled in the margin. } All that remained of the body was a bit of ash where the victim had } reportedly disappeared in a puff of logic. } } "He thought he had it all," the friend of the victim said, "he had } a great run going, and felt that he was immortal because, after all, } he hadn't died yet."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't I have a shadow? >                     -The Count

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've got Tracy hot on the trail of the Pruneface, Batman's got } the Joker cornered up at the bus station, Mark Trail has a } dangerous poacher in his sights, and Nancy is about to lower } the boom on Sluggo. } } Now the Count feels left out, and wants a gumshoe on him too. } Isn't that special? } } All I've got left is Inspector Clouseau, and he's stone drunk. } This better be good. } } You owe the Oracle some suspicious behavior.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh hot 'n' hairy Oracle, whose toenail clippings are worshipped as > holy relics in 43 minor religions, pray tell me: > > I am an the verge of turning into reality an email relationship > with girl of the female variety. She has invited me to view her art > exhibition and meet her, and I shall travel south to peer, leer and > hopefully shag her senseless in the next couple of days. Her emails > are horrendously funny and paint a picture of a warm and wonderful > hooming bean. > > There is one thing bothering me though. She is creative and Romantic > where I am analytical and cerebral. Her emails are peppered with > spelling mistakes (many intentional) and grammatical errors. Even a > boring old pendant such as I can overlook such transgressions, save > in one instance. > > And so finally to my question: can I *really* trust the sanity and > emotional stability of someone who uses more than one question mark > per sentence - ie. like this: ???? - ? I fear that this seemingly > innocuous quirk of personal puntuation use may be a pointer to serious > inner turmoil and insecurity. Any advice oh great one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} News bulletin: the toenail index is up to 45 -- we last week we got } a clipping request from a small sect of Zoroastrian fundamentalists } (in Des Moines, of all places!), and yesterday we signed a deal to } ship some to the tail of Hale-Bopp (that wacky Marshall!) } } But I digress.... } } Your query concerns me. You describe yourself as a boring old pendant; } I'm glad you've come to me  for advice before hanging yourself around } the neck of some anonymous e-babe. } } Let me make some salient observations ... } } 1. Grammatical errors and misspellings are often perceived } as "cutesy" by libidinous males (Kinsey, M.& J., etc.) } This fact has been discussed ad nauseum on several newsgroups } (rec.desperate.women.trolling.for.husbands ,  sci.mate.catching, } comp.email.tricks.to.fool.horny.geeks), all of which recommend saying } things like: "Omigod! You luv sushi TOO???"  SUSPICIOUS! } } 2. The popular sexual mythology is replete with legends of sirens } capturing the hearts of "analytical and cerebral" men by being } "creative and Romantic".  Whether the legends are true or not, } the fact that she goes out of her way to APPEAR as such should be } indication that SHE believes them! Art exhibition, indeed! } } 3. You are correct to be frightened by the prospect of "shagging } senseless" someone who overindulges in the application of question } marks. According to current Freudian theory, the ability of the } superego to restrain the subconscious in cyberspace varies from } person to person. In some cases, the id is able to run rampant, } explaining the profusion of "B1FFz" across the net. In other cases, } the manifestations are more subtle. }    The "????" quirk may be innocuous, but it more likely reveals a } deep-rooted  questioning of the writer's sexual identity. It is, of } course, difficult to know for certain what the sexual ambiguity may } be without extensive psychoanalysis. Based on cues from your letter } (and my own formidable Oracular powers), I have arrived at 2 scenarios: } } A) She is a 47-year-old widow named Myra from Queens. Each of Myra's } five husbands bore an uncanny resemblance to Alan Thicke (for whom } Myra has always harbored an unhealthy obsession). Each subsequently } died from "mysterious and unexplained circumstances" shortly after } the honeymoon, when Myra found that her husbands weren't "Thicke" } enough for her. } } B) She is a 17-year-old boy named Terry, who insists that everyone } call him Razor.  Terry (or Razor) is a highly intelligent young } sociopath who has derived all the gratification he can from mutilating } chipmunks; he's seeking bigger game. After spending some time online, } he found that the easiest way to lure some boring geek who fancies } himself analytical and cerebral is to pose as a sexy, young "girl of } the female variety." Dangerous dude, this Razor. Hmmmm.... I wonder } if he's experimented with woodchucks yet.... I'll have to call him. } } At any rate, my advice to you would be to forget about meeting a girl } online, and get out to the pubs and clubs, where you can at least } SEE what you're getting. And in the meantime, seek gratification by } perusing alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.hooming.beans . } } That should hold you over... } } You the Oracle this chick's e-mail address.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How the $%^& can I remove these damned staples from my hand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't take them out!  That's all that's holding the darned thing } together.  Now get back in the laboratory, before the townspeople } see you and burn us all to a crisp. } } You owe the Oracle the lyrics to "Putting on the Ritz."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most sophisticated Oracle, so wise in the ways of... well, > everything, > > Why don't slugs like margaritas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Racial memory.  They still recall that dreadful day, long ago, when } Sidney Slug slipped on a slightly slanted slope and slid suddenly into } a sparkling margarita.  Well, it was terrible, let me tell you.  He } sipped a bit, and spit a bit, then down he went!  He simply sank!  But, } even worse, a clueless klutz picked up the glass, and then he drank! } } Well, Sidney Slug's slithering supine body slipped swiftly down the } surface of the glass toward the swallowing throat.  Just in time, he } found a lime, and launched it, like you would a boat.  He grabbed the } edge, and slithered over, fell on the floor, got sniffed by Rover, ran } the gauntlet, lost the crowd, found a bush, and cried out loud.  He } told the tale to all his descendants, aunts, uncles, Independents. } They hate margaritas to this very day, so use them (with lots of salt) } to keep slugs away. } } By the way, the clueless klutz (who owned a weasel) had a great-great- } great-grandson named Theodore Geisel. } } You owe the Oracle a star-bellied Sneech and an appetite.