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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I am rather suspicious of the Publishers Clearing > House and Readers Digest and all these other places that have > sweepstakes.  Several times, I have sent off for their list of winners, > in an attempt to verify that the sweepstakes are legitimate.  But every > time I try to call one of the $10,000,000 winners, I get a message from > the phone company that "the number you have dialed has been changed to > an unlisted number."  I think they're all a scam, and they're trying to > hide from me.  Tell me, oh great one, is it so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Supplicant, it is even more sinister than you suspect.  I do not }      share this knowledge with everyone, but in your case, because you }      asked, I know that you can be trusted.  Let me turn you over now }      to my assistant, Fox Mulder. } }      [The Oracle flips a switch and a teleconferencing screen emerges }      from the panelling.  The TV comes on.  Fix Mulder is standing in a }      smoky briefing room dimly lit by lowslung sunlight filtering }      through venetian blinds.  Indiscinct figures sit in the }      background.] } }      FM: Their Plan isn't obvious at first.  It's supposed to look like }      a sweepstakes or a lottery.  They get you to buy magazines.  Good }      Housekeeping.  Cosmopolitan.  Men's Health.  They get you to buy }      Reader's Digest.  The content of this material that's then shipped }      to your house is subtly hypnotic.  It gets to you.  You find }      yourself believing things that make very little sense.  They'll }      have you believe that floral print curtains look good, or that the }      quality of life is higher in the suburbs than in the country or }      the city, or that women want men who look like Fabio.  I know. }      You're thinking that this is the norm.  It's only this way because }      of the Master Plan. } }      The Plan's failsafe mechanism is the sweepstakes.  If you play }      their game and then one day wise up to them, you've become a }      danger, a threat.  You have to be disposed of, and you have to be }      shown to be a heretic before all the true believers.  It's a cross }      between sweeping you under the rug and burning you at the stake. }      They make it look like your big break, pictures with Ed McMahon, a }      big four foot long check with a big number on it... it's a check }      you can never cash. Your friends get to think you got rich and too }      good for them and moved away.  Very convenient. } }      I've been on this case for two months.  Yes, against orders.  But }      I know who is responsible.  Always look to those who have the most }      to gain from others' ignorance, those who can lord their knowledge }      over others.  Gentleman, the person resposible is the Internet }      O... } }      [Click.  The screen goes dark.] } }      Oracle:  Well, supplicant.  That's about enough to give you the }      idea. So if I were you, I would rest assured that you called it }      right and stay away from those evil sweepstakes. } }      BUT, I do have some good news for you.  Look at this! } }      [Noisemakers, flashing lights, confetti falls.  Zadoc and a bevy }      of beautiful women enter the room.] } }      Zadoc:  Congratulations, Supplicant!  You've asked the Oracle his }      one trillionth question!  You've won ten million dollars and an }      all expenses paid trip to Delphi!  And you don't owe the Oracle a }      thing! That's right!  You can leave tomorrow.  Here's your check. }      Here, we even bought you some great luggage.  This Samsonite }      here's so big, why heck, you could almost fit yourself in it!  Ha }      ha ha ha!  And STRONG, too... } }      [Fade to black.  X-Files theme music plays.]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous Oracle, who MUST have a better answer for this than the > last incarnation, > > Back in 1995, I bought the Pink Floyd "Pulse" CD set, and it was > packaged in that box with the neat (at the time) little flashing light > on the spine of the case. My problem is that the damn light is still > blinking 2 years later! I keep my CDs in my bedroom, because that's > the only place I can listen to them without disturbing others in > the house. When I try to sleep, all I can see is this blasted little > LED blinking on and off in the corner.  I've tried turning it to face > away from me, burying it under a mound of stuff, and so on--no luck. > I thought about either putting a piece of duct tape over the light > or ripping the LED and battery pack out, but I don't want to wreck > the CD case. Any ideas on how I can get rid of this nagging problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } The LED as you call it is in fact an extremely rare Rubicus-Insanicum } or "Insane Ruby" as it is more comonly known. } } It is the result of allowing a crazy diamond to shine on for too long. } } The only known way to stop this phenomenon is to cover the offending } gem with Tipp-ex and then colour it in to match that of the rest of the } case. } } Wish you were here, } } Orrie

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, wonderful, marvelous, magnificent, and omnipotent oracle > whose prowess knows no limits, I humbly implore thee to answer my cry: > > What's wrong with this question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...  Let's analyze it.  "What's wrong with this question?"  Aside } from being self-referent, nothing... so far.  So, let's try some other } methods of analysis. } } Diagramming: }             What | is | wrong }                            \with }                             \__this question } }       No. Looks Okay. } } Translate it into Oracle Scoring Speak (OSS): } 59 18 11 30 28 33 28 25 24 17 33 19 30 18 30 18 19 28 27 31 15 29 30 19 } 25 24 }       Yes, those are my measurements. } Add it all up: } 668 }       Yes, that's exactly how much wood... } Auf Deutch: } Was ist los mit dieses Frage? }       Ja, es ist OK. } In Mesopotamian: }       ...,, ,,...- ,.,.,, ..,..., ,.,.,.,,.,.-----|||? } Ah ha!! It seems the answer is .,...,,-||.., } } You owe the Oracle the translation, and total of "War and Peace" into } OSS.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most quiet, > Am I crazy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh...it's been a long time since i tackled a question as deeply } nested and intrinsically convoluted as this one! First things first... } } The first level is Am, which is probably a westerniziation on the } Hindish Om...which is, as we all should know, a measure of resistance } to all things Spiritual (Om's law). } } The second level to the nested interogatory is I...another barely } concealed misappropriation of the ancient Celtic Aye. Since the Celts } used "Aye" mostly to indicate when their eyes were bleary from the } unbridled consumption of too much stout mead, and to simultaneously } request a refill, the I in the question roughly equivocates to Blind } (as in blotto). } } And finally, the deepest level of the nest is expressed as crazy. } This part is a bit tricky, but with some quiet analysis we see that } crazy further dissembles into Cray and see. The allusions here are a } little more obscure, all-the-more so due to their extreme seperation } in timelike infinity. The "Cray" references a brand of modern super- } computer, while the "see" most probably refers to the Papal See. Since } the Vatican currently utilizes several Cray's to keep accurate track } of tithes, "crazy", in this context, equates to the Pope's accountant. } } Therefore, the Oracle is now prepared to answer the REAL question... } which now is seen to be: } }       How much can a Spiritually Bankrupt blind Catholic accountant }       imbibe before mistaking the Pope for a Celtic beer stein? } } To which the Oracle shamlessly replies: } }       About 3 cups of Sacramental wine. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Gallo & a box of Vanilla Wafers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So , Orrie, that's it then, is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and please don't make fun of it.  I know it's a little small, but } it's not size that matters, but the motion of the ocean.  And it's also } amazingly well kept.  I clean it regularly, taking special care to } scrape the mold off the sides. } } Now I'll beg you never to speak of my aquarium again. } } You owe the Oracle a bottom feeder.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie, tell me why you have such a h**d-on for my husband.  He's a > perfectly nice guy.  Just because he's rich and successful, and has > made life easier for millions of hardworking people all over the world, > you'd think he's some kind of criminal.  > Why, you should just see him > around the house, puttering around with his little maps and pushpins, > and dressing up in that cute little uniform.    And he spends hours > every day talking to our son--well, actually, just muttering, but the > baby just loves it> .  Anyway, he's great, so why can't you just leave > him alone? > > Sincerely, > Mrs. Bill Gates

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because he's performed an illegal operation and must be shut down. } } If this problem persists, I'll send *him* to contact his vendor. } } You owe the Oracle a port of MS Office '97 for Linux.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and wonderful Oracle who knows all there has ever been to know, > > Does 1 + 1 really equal 3 for large values of 1?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think that you should call Intel about the Pentium } replacement program. } } You owe the oracle an SGI Octane, and an SGI Octane. } Ship all three to me directly.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My dad is buying cows, but he isn't a landwirt. > Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 } Do you want them to hear you foolish supplicant???  I mean, just cause } you're not immortal and intelligent...well...  Oh geez...  You don't } see them, do you? }       Oh man!  How can you humans be so stupid!!  It's right in front } of you!  Do you think that episode of the Outer Limits was a lie!?!?!? } The cows have taken over three continents, and all you foolish humans } can do is sit around at Mc Donalds and eat the beings you should be } shooting by the dozens. }       If you don't believe me just watch any news broadcast and you } will see how little attention is paid to these forest sucking cows! }       Any animal who burps and part of the planet is destroyed is a } terrible enemy... }       What's that?  Your dad is buying cows??? }       QUICK, SUPPLICANT!!!  LEAVE THE HOUSE!  THE COUNTRY!  HECK, LEAVE } THE SYSTEM!  IT'S A FULL SCALE INVASION AND THEY'RE TAKING OVER YOUR } FATHER'S MIND!!! } }       Either that, or your dad just wants to raise cows. } } You Owe the Oracle 50 acres of rainforest to raise a genetic cattle } changing ranch on.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. oracle, > >       My I please have some more? > >                       -O.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Help yourself. } } You owe the Oracle a vodka martini, with a twist.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and meaty Oracle, please help me out here. > > I see that the patch to keep corrupt ICMP messages from crashing > Windows NT/95 systems via the TCP/IP stack has finally become > available. > > What other patches to known problems is Microsoft working on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MICROSOFT PRESS RELEASE 1998 } ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ } } Bill Gates has authorised the product research team to develop the } first self-producing computers. These computers, attached to the } factory production line, will then be able to take over the entire } plant from design to final delivery, distribution of the goods, } marketing, helpdesk support and basic maintenance. By reducing the } staff to a minimum (one), taxation, insurance and bathroom costs will } now be almost entirely eliminated. } } The ultra-secret product research team have been given their own hidden } base for this development. The project is currently known as the } Computer Bill Gates, or colloquially by its initials - Ka Ba Ja. } Although the details are not being released for some time, MS sources } say that the creation of these new machines is not unlike a birth. More } news will be forthcoming from the Ka Ba Ga Patch as it comes. } } You owe the Oracle a Strawberry Shortcake doll.