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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is orange juice yellow? > And what's so great about sliced bread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, listen, man, you gotta understand } that in orange juice the absorption band } of the molecules lies in the green } and blue - that explains the orange sheen. } } The Oracle has rapped. } } [ }   Re: Your second question. } }   Dear Mr. Scum, } }   I am sorry to tell you that the Oracle most definitely refuses }   to answer more than one question at a time. So, if you want the }   Oracle's opinion on sliced bread, you will unfortunately have }   to mail It this as a separate question. }   However, if I may add my personal opinion, sliced bread has }   proved most effective in helping me achieve orgasm at least }   once a month. } }               Sincerely Yours, }               On behalf of the Oracle, } }               Erma J. Birnbaum Hornswiggle }               (personal secretary of the Usenet Oracle). } ]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I stand up after holding my breath and spinning on my head, I often > get dizzy and drop to the ground. > > Is there some way I could impart the proper angular momentum as I fall, > so that I would land ON MY HEAD, SPINNING? > > It would save me the time of starting over.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This can only be successfully achieved in the five minutes before and } after the equinox, for the same reason that one can balance an egg on } it's end at that time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > I can understand that so many people ask you about sex, especially kinky > sex, 'cause after all that's what occupies 90 % of our thoughts.  But > why are so many questions about lingerie, especially bras?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, all of the lingerie questions seem to come from North Dakota. } I suspect that since underwear is not usually worn in that state, } lingerie is considered to be especially arousing. } } You owe the oracle a pair of woolen knickers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any questions you won't answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HHhoooowww    ddo  III geeett rriiid   of  thhhisss ffaast > aauuutooreepeaat??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Filter al your input through this litle program (writen in C): } } --------------------------------- } #include  <stdio.h> } } main() } { }   char  c; }   char  lastc = EOF; } }   while ((c = getchar()) != EOF)  { }     if (c != lastc) }       putchar (c); }     lastc = c; }   } } } } ------------------------------------ } } I think that wil fix your anoying problem. } } (You may have some smal problems with double leters, though.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it more fun to play the Oracle when my lover is here than when > s/he is away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't want to know.  Really, I just don't want to know.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> /* WHY doesn't this work? */ > main(argc, argv, envp) > int argc; > char **argv, **envp; > { >   char c,mask; > >   mask=atoi(argv[1]); > >   while((c=getchar)!=-1) >     putchar(mask^c); > } > /* Why doesn't it stop when finished? */

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} /* WHY doesn't this work? */ <-- comment offends the software gods } main(argc, argv, envp) } int argc;                  <-- semicolons! the gods require FULL colons! } char **argv, **envp; } { }   char c,mask;             <-- masks! disguises! trickery! grrrrr!! } }   mask=atoi(argv[1]);      <-- "atoi" = "Ayatollah" in machine language }                                  (although the "arg" is quite }   while((c=getchar)!=-1)          appropriate) }     putchar(mask^c);       <-- REMOVE your character masks! the gods } }                                compile only HONEST code! } /* Why doesn't it stop when finished? */ }                     ^ }        This should now be apparent. } } The Oracle demands you say three Hail Fortrans, and make a pilgrimage to } Maynard, Mass.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I sneeze, I sometimes have visions of ancient Incan laborers > hefting huge stones up jagged mountainsides.  Sometimes, if it's a big > sneeze, I can even hear them singing.  But it sounds so much like "Girls > Just Wanna Have Fun" that I begin to doubt myself.  Perhaps I'm tuning > into two psychic experiences at once.  Or perhaps Cyndi Lauper is Incan. > I don't know.  I just know it frightens me.  Can you explain any of > this?  And can you suggest a good podiatrist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Out-of-body experiences are common during sneezing, just like during } orgasm.  Don't fight it (and don't get hooked on it).  The meaning and } scope of such experiences is one of life's great mysteries (which means } this is going to cost extra). } } 1) The laborers are indeed making the lost city of Cibola in your dream. }    You are channeling through one of the architect's assistancts. } } 2) This assistant is indeed the REAL author of ``Girls Just Wanna Have }    Fun.'' He wrote it between Pyramid Studies and Western Civ. } } 3) Cyndi Lauper, a noted archeologist, discovered the song while on a }    vacation in Mexico. } } The fact that you found out means that a National Inquirer article is } just waiting for your call.  I'd tell you the number but the FCC would } read me the riot act...  <grin> } } You owe the oracle a dream sequence.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In any given half hour, how many people are actually doing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A better question, my son, is, } }       "Given a half hour, how many people will do it?" } } You owe the Oracle some KY jelly and a night on the town.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does chaos reign on my desk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why does chaos rain on your desk?  Because, my friend, you don't have } the amazing Chao-Brella(TM), new from Ora-Co Industries.  It's } guaranteed to stop everything from a slightly confused drizzle right up } to a totally random downpour!  And it comes in fifteen fashion colours! } How much would you pay for something this useful?  But wait!  There's } more!!  If you act today you will also receive... } } [loud, overly theatrical thunderclap] } } GOD:  'ELLO, 'ELLO, 'ELLO.  WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN? } } Oh, um, nothing really.  Just answering a few questions. } } GOD:  YOU WOULDN'T BE USING THE HIGH AND MIGHTY OFFICE OF THE ORACLE FOR }       COMMERCIAL GAIN, WOULD YOU? } } Who me?  No, not really.  It's just that...  well, um....  my mother's } phlebitis is acting up and I needed some extra cash for medicine and I } thought... } } GOD:  IF YOU HAD READ ORACLE.ANNOUNCE.NEWUSERS YOU WOULD KNOW THAT }       USING THE HIGH AND MIGHTY OFFICE OF THE ORACLE FOR COMMERCIAL }       GAIN IS A GROSS INFRACTION OF RULE SEVEN. } } Yes, I realize that but I figured that in this case... } } GOD:  SILENCE.  NOW KNOCK IT OFF OR I'LL STICK YOU BACK IN THE FORTUNE }       COOKIE FACTORY I FOUND YOU IN. } } Yes ma'am. } } You owe the Oracle [ominous rumble of thunder] ...  er, that is, the } Oracle owes you one Chao-Brella(TM), no charge.