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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of wondrous power and stability, > > Will you please tell me why it is that when I plan vacation time to do > improvements on the home, that it ALWAYS turns madingly hot and humid? > (also as a sidelight, could you please do something about it just for > me... I'd like the remainder of the week to be just a little more > comfortable... I really need to get this stuff done)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most of your hominid brethren are merely pathetic when they pick up a } tool and try to improve their sad little shanties. A few actually are } capable of doing solid, respectable work. But then there's you. } } You are so inept with tools that you threaten the very structure of the } universe. Others nail things together slightly crooked. You manage to } make bizarre angles that exert severe strain on the gravimetric lines } of force that hold stars and planets in their place. Others slip and } drill holes where they didn't intend them. You plough away with such } zeal that you stir up tiny eddys in the fabric of reality, little black } holes that float about, wreaking havoc. } } In short, you are a cosmic menace. And this is not news to the powers } that be. } } The universe, just like your grotty little carcass, has an immune } system. It senses dangerous infections and responds. And whenever you } leave your house with tools in hand, my little disaster area, the } universe contracts a fever. } } Take the hint, eh? It's been a while since a *really* big asteroid hit } the Earth. You don't want to give any cosmic entities the idea that } it's time for another >Aspirin<, now do you? } } You owe the Oracle vinyl siding for his temple. No, I insist that you } pay to have someone else install it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "You are old, Mr. Oracle," the Supplicant said, > "And your hair has become very white; > And yet you incessantly stand on your head-- > Do you think, at your age, it is right?" > > "In my youth," the Oracle replied to B1FF, > "I feared it might injure the brain. > But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, > Why, I do it again and again." > > "You are old," said B1FF, "as I mentioned before, > And have grown most uncommonly fat; > Yet you turned a back-somersault at the door. > Are you a lemur?  How'd you do that?" > > "In my youth," said the Oracle, as he shook his grey locks, > "I kept all my limbs very supple > By the use of this ointment--two shillings a box. > Allow me to sell you a couple?" > > "You are old," said B1FF, "and your jaws are too weak > For anything tougher than suet; > Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak-- > Pray, how did you manage to do it?" > > "In my youth," said the Oracle, "I took to the law," > And argued with Lisa, my wife; > And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, > Has lasted the rest of my life." > > "You are old," said B1FF, "one would hardly suppose > That your eye was as steady as ever; > Yet you balanced a woodchuck on the end of your nose-- > What made you so awfully clever?" > > "I have answered three questions, and that is enough," > Said the Oracle; "don't give yourself airs!" > Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? > Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'You are bold, Supplicant,' the Oracle said, } 'You labour through day and through night } 'To paraphrase familiar poems by Lear; } 'Tell me, do you think that is quite right?' } } 'You're old hat, Oracle,' the Supplicant said, } 'Your answers are really a bore; } 'The strength of my question alone will make this } 'Oracularity nine-nineteen-four.' } } 'Don't count on it, B1FF,' the Oracle said, } 'You don't know what this Orrie's got; } 'He's got what it takes, and you're no great shakes, } 'So to thee, I say "begone!", and ZOT!' } } You owe the Oracle a lettuce, o let us, o lettuce leaf.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > I have been kidnapped by aliens.  Thankfully, they are friendly, and > are allowing me to use their e-mail.  However, After some of the > injections they gave me, I can now see through time.  Is this a bad > thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it's a good thing; isn't it wonderful?  If you're polite, } they'll also give you the injections that let you see through parsley, } sage, and rosemary. } } You owe the Oracle the head of Art Garfunkel.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Then along that riverbank > A thousand miles > Tattooed cannibals danced in files; > Then I heard the boom of the blood-lust song > And a thigh-bone beating on a tin-pan gong. > And "BLOOD" screamed the whistles and fifes of the warriors, > "BLOOD" screamed the skull-faced, lean witch-doctors, > "Whirl ye the deadly voo-doo rattle, > Harry the uplands, > Steal all the cattle. > Rattle-rattle, rattle-rattle, > Bing. > Boomlay, boomlay, boomlay, BOOM." > A roaring epic, the rag-time tune > From the mouth of the Congo > To the Mountains of the Moon. > Death is an elephant, > Torch-eyed and horrible, > Foam-flanked and terrible. > BOOM, kill the Pygmies, > BOOM, kill the Arabs, > BOOM, kill the white men. > Hoo, Hoo, Hoo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa there, Billy Blake. } } I think you need to listen again.  Those "warriors" and "witch doctors" } were screaming "Bud,"  not "BLOOD." } } Here's the rest of the ad: } } "Whirl we the deadly Spuds McKenzie } Sell to the kiddies } with a big frog frenzy } Rattle, rattle, long-neck bottle, } Bing. } Anheuser, Anheuser, Anheuser, BUSCH } A tasteless beverage, we sell to you } From the mouth of the Congo } to the Mountains of the Moon } Flat as an envelope } pasteurized and horrible } foam-topped and terrible } BUD! Kill the Pilsners } BUD! Kill the Ales } BUD! Kill the Weissens } Hoo, hoo, hoo

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *    (__) BBBBBB--EEEEEEE-EEEEEEE-FFFFFFF > *    /oo\\BB---BB-EE------EE------FF-----\\ > *    \\ / BBBBBB--EEEEEE--EEEEEE--FFFFF-- | > *     oo  BB---BB-EE------EE------FF----- | > *         BBBBBB--EEEEEEE-EEEEEEE-FF----- ^ > *          | |                       | | > *          ^ ^                       ^ ^

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TWELFTH CASE OF "MAD SUPPLICANT DISEASE" } Scientists, Priests Baffled At Spread Of Mysterious Virus } } Bloomington, Indiana (AP) -- Health officials seem stunned and } frightened at the continuing spread of "mad supplicant disease" on } the campus of Indiana University.  Today marked the twelfth case of } the disorder, which bears the scientific name Bovine Stupidascii } Expulsion (BSE). } } "We're very, very concerned about this," said campus BSE specialist } Stephen Kinzler from his eighteenth-floor office in Lisa Tower, IU's } newest faculty building.  "Not since the historical 1994 outbreak of } CLFS - Chronic Lemur FAQ Syndrome - has so much annoyance } been sent so quicky to the Internet Oracle." } } Symptoms of BSE include the creation of ASCII cows, sending of empty } email, writing bad "fake" versions of well-known poems by } William Blake or Emily Dickinson, and questions about the } wood-throwing capacity of certain rodents.  Although most medical } experts agree the condition is incurable, Kinzler holds out hope. } } "The Internet Oracle - the well-known dispenser of omniscient wisdom } and cheerful good humor - has reported good results with shock } therapy, using his proprietary 'Staff of Zot'," Kinzler claims.  "We } would need to conduct further studies, under laboratory conditions, } but anecdotal evidence does seem to indicate that several } applications, or 'zots', might help reverse the infection." } } The Oracle, whose wisdom is available on the World Wide Web at } oracle@cs.indiana.edu, declined to comment.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most spiff, who could zot a zebra if he felt so inclined, who > possesses enough restraint as to refrain from erasing lemurs from all > existance and recent memory.... > > I had a vision the other night and wish your interpretation.  I've > heard you dabble in such interpreting and want your expert opinion. > > I saw you at a party.  I couldn't tell exactly where, but it looked > like it might have been at a zoo woodchuck-burning party.  You were > with Zadoc, Lisa, Darkmage, all the chums.  All of you were really > drunk, and Zadoc was on the ground passed out with a bottle of Dewar's > in his hand.  The rest of you had glasses of champagne.  Suddenly, all > started counting down together... > > 10... > 9... > 8... > 7... > 6... > 5... > 4... > 3... > 2... > 1... > 2000!! > > Now, I know enough that if you count down from 10 to 1, after one does > not come 2000, so I would gather that this is some kind of metaphor? > Anyway, when you reached 2000, strange things began to happen.  The > zoo's computer complex exploded abruptly (it was in vision at the top of > a hill).  Sirens went off saying "Windows has reached a fatal error at > E00T:23491.  Date does not exist.)  All the cages came open and > woodchucks ran amok among the group. >  Suddenly, a rumble was heard.  Above the hill appeared a GIANT > WOODCHUCK with fangs the size of lemurs.  A scary sight indeed.  All > screamed, and Zadoc, still on the ground passed out, sucked his thumb. > The GIANT WOODCHUCK walked toward you (the Oracle), and picked you up > between his (I saw, it was a he) second and third fingers (paws? > appendages?) and as soon as he picked you up off the ground, you both > disappeared.  I woke up in a cold shiver. > > Now, oh Oracle most worthy and good-looking, what does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle a visit to your local de-tox centre.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <oracle/grovel.h> > #include <oracle/more_grovel.h> > #include <oracle/selfdenouncing.h> > #include <linux/rules_the_universe.h> > #include <windows/suck.h> > > { > void main > }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #include <supplicant/drivescan.h> } #include <supplicant/detectlinux.h> } #include <supplicant/begin.h> } } { } void/erase hard_drive } } } } Drive cleared! } } #include <supplicant/owe.txt> } #vi <supplicant/owe.txt> } } You owe the Oracle a promise to keep accidental bugs and viruses from } entering your computer like last time.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh innumerably gifted one, most omniscient one, omnipotent one, > omni...omni one, whom this ignorant hominid, barely capable of counting > up to twenty, and this only thanks to and with the help of the abundant > number of protrusions at the end of its four (?) limbs, is unworthy > of addressing in the first place, please answer this question: > > What happens when spam gets sent to oracle@cs.indiana.edu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it depends on the kind of spam.  On the Biblical philosophy } (which I invented, by the way) of "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a } tooth," I have designed an automated system which replies to spam sent } to my address with appropriate retaliation.  The system is too robust } to describe briefly, but here are some examples: } } SPAM YOU SEND ME       YOUR RESPONSE } } "MAKE MONEY FAST" or   All banks in which you have money } any pyramid scheme     collapse; all of your stocks plummet. } } "Luck" chain letter    You slip on a waxed floor and break one bone }                        for each forwarding address on the letter. } } "Sex" chain letter     You are suddenly hit with a sexual }                        harrassment lawsuit with one plaintiff for }                        each forwarding address on the letter. } } Chain letter for       The garbage collectors mysteriously } Craig Shergold         stop picking up your trash. } } Mrs. Fields'           Every charge on your next credit card statement } cookie recipe          has the decimal shifted one to the right. } } Petitions where the    Your name is placed on every junk-mailing list } 25th signer must       in the country.  You are subscribed to all } send a copy to the     existing magazines by the "bill me later" option. } bad guys } } Addition to a mailing  The US Postal Service returns all mail } list to which I        sent to you to the sender.  When you } didn't subcribe        complain, their records show nothing wrong. } } Scores of ASCII        Your home begins mysteriously smelling of } pictures of cows       dung.  Nobody can figure out why. } } Pictures of            In a rare use of eminent domain, the government } cans of SPAM           repossesses all of your property and gives it to }                        pig farmers as part of a pork subsidy package. }                        Nobody notices. } } Green card offers      Your citizenship is revoked, and you are }                        deported before you can complain. } } Any spam with "tell    The IRS starts auditing you every year. Jehovah's } me" or "tellme" in     Witnesses and Mormons show up at your door day } the Subject heading    after day.  Your hubcaps are stolen.  A leopard }                        escapes from the local zoo and roams your }                        neighborhood.  Pizzas and chinese food which you }                        did not order are delivered to your door.  The }                        power company cancels your service.  You discover }                        that your home has termites.  The state begins to }                        build a correctional facility next door.  You }                        lose your sense of smell.  Your job is downsized. }                        You develop leprosy. } } You owe the Oracle a chain letter campaign telling everybody on the } Internet not to mess with me.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most absolute, beautific, catastrophic, deep, edifying, > fabulous, gargantuan, humility-inspiring, incredible, just, kind, > mammoth, nice, opulent, powerful, qu-... qu-... quick (whew, almost > lost it there), radical, super, technologically-enhanced, unequaled, > venturous, winsome, xerochoric (yes, you're dry. Can't do much with X), > yeoman-endowed (priests), zestful answerer of questions (whew, those > last three were hard!). Please consider my unworthy question: > > Now I know my ABCs. Next time, won't you sing with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A is for Absolut, the Vodka I drink. } B is for bubbles, the ones in the sink. } C is for cat, the one with the hair. } D is for dander, the stuff in the air. } E is for error, those damned messages. } F is for fault, yours, not MS's. } G is for graffito, the singular of graffiti. } H is for hot, which it is in Tahiti. } I is for invite, that is, "Come on over." } J is for jagged, like the white cliffs of Dover. } K is for loser, so deep in debt. } L is for Lemur, Joel Furr's favorite pet. } M is for Mafia, who gave you some loans. } N is for Nick, who will now break your bones. } O is for "ouch," which you will say. } P is for pain, Nick gives for no-pay. } Q is for quick, I am so you said. } R is for reading my dictionary in dread. } S is for stuck, I get time to time. } T is for tenuous, like many a rhyme. } U is for ululate, a really fun word. } V is for vocalize, loudly, I heard. } W is for watching, us from the sky. } X is for xenophobe, those aliens must die } Y is for yikes, I am almost done. } Z is for nothing, 'cause it's the last one.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ooh La la!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...C'est Magnifi-que! } When supplicants whine, } I zot 'em, then feel fine, } Oooh-la-lahhh.... Ces't Magnifi-que!" }       - from Cole Porter's _Can Can_ } } HI! I'm the Internet Oracle! And right now, for a limited time only, } you can receive through this special TV offer: } }                               The Oracle Does Broadway! } } That's right! You can hear me, Orrie, sing your favorite Broadway songs } in my own inimitable style! Just listen to these: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } from _Les Miserables_: } } "One day more... }  Another supplicant is questioning, }  But they forgot to do their grovelling... }  If Zadoc lets their questions through }  I guess I'll have to ZOT him too... }  One day more..." } } from _Cats_: } } "Memory, }  All alone at the terminal, }  I can smile at the old days, }  There were no woodchucks then..." } } from _Guys and Dolls_: } } "I got the question, sir, }  It's from that guy, Joel Furr, }  Asking 'What should I feed to my new lemur?' }  ZOT! (Ouch!) }  ZOT! (Ouch!)..." } } from _A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum_: } } "Something familiar, something peculiar, }  Something for everyone, }  Oracularities! }  Questions with woodchucks, written by dumb schmucks, }  Something for everyone, }  Oracularities!" } } from _West Side Story_: } } "My Lisa! I just caught a glimpse of my Lisa! }  She's rarin' and she's ready! }  She's got her leather teddy }  on...." } } from _Evita_: } } "Don't cry for me, Stephen Kinzler. }  The truth is, I never liked you..." } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }       ....And many, many more! } } Order now, through this special TV offer, and you'll also receive } Kirsten and Maurice Chevalier singing "Thank Heaven for Little Girls"! } } Get your copy today! Or I might just have to... } } "Send in the clowns... }  There have to be clowns... }  ...don't bother.... they're here." } } You owe the Oracle _The Compleat Zamfir_.