Goto:

921, 921-01, 921-02, 921-03, 921-04, 921-05, 921-06, 921-07, 921-08, 921-09, 921-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Internet Oracle who is worthy of all our letters. > > What is the best color hair for a women to have on her pussy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have never, and I mean NEVER, been so offended by a Supplicant's } question.  You assume that, somehow, when a human being and a cat } form a bond, the human *owns* the cat.  (And why a woman, Supplicant? } Is it possible that you are a sexist as well as a speciesist and a } human chauvinist?)  Nothing could be further from the truth.  As } enlightened humans are aware, a cat is a free spirit, and anyone, man } or woman, that attempts to forcibly change its hair color, is due for a } surprise. Hmmmmm.... I wonder... } } Yes, checking the Oracle archives reveals that, only weeks ago, you } submitted the question "How many ways are there to skin a cat?". } This tells me why you've asked your repugnant question, you want ME } to do your market research, and find out what kind of cat fur is most } prized by the crowd that's grown too jaded for mink, sable or baby } seal.  I'm afraid I have no choice: you will be throughly *ZOT*ed } (allow 2 to 3 weeks for delivery), and your remains will be used } as skin grafts for rodents maimed by animal testing. } } Your heirs and assigns owe the Oracle Bach's Air on the G String.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Super neato keen Oracle, whose surfaces come pre-glued, please > enlighten your humble and fumble fingered supplicant. > > What kind of wallpaper should I buy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't matter.  Just buy the cheapest kind you can find, because } it's going look like hell when you get it up on the wall anyway.  No } one can hang wallpaper.  You can read books, go to classes, spend } hundreds of dollars on equipment and tools, but it won't do you any } good.  You're going to end up with bubbles, tears, gaps, overlaps, } misaligned patterns, and a severe departure from verticality that will } make you think that your house is about to fall into a sinkhole. } Actually, by the time you're finished you won't *care* if your house } falls into a sinkhole.  There's nothing like a nice session of } wallpapering to convince a person that life isn't worth living. } } Afterwards, be sure you tell anyone who visits your house, the instant } they walk in the door, that you have done the wallpapering yourself. } That way they will pay you lying little compliments on the quality of } the work ("Is that a *tear*?  It looks like a boa constrictor.  I } thought it was part of the pattern.") instead of suggesting that you } sue whomever you hired to do the job. } } One last piece of advice:  Never try to hang wallpaper with a spouse, } lover, good friend, or anyone else you are not prepared to murder at } three o'clock in the morning when your very last strip of wallpaper, } the end of that spare roll you knew you wouldn't need but bought just } to be on the safe side, tears in half and falls down on your head. } Take it from me. Remember, the Oracle knows all things. } } You owe the Oracle some very, very large posters.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose brain never hurts, please tell me... > > Who is that little dude, and why does he insist on running a jackhammer > against the inside of my skull?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From "Field Guide to Minor Gods, Goddesses, Spirits and } Elementals", published by Olympus University Press, price 2 silver } talents: } } Bichus, minor god. } } Provenance: Offspring of Juno. Born nine months after }             Feast of Saturnalia. Juno claims no memory of }             circumstances of conception, but Bacchus has }             subsequently been struck by lightening more }             often than pure chance would suggest. } } Appearance: Pale face, bloodshot eyes, lank hair, unkempt. } } Habitat:    Dark rooms, gutters. } } Distinguishing marks, gestures, calls: }             Perspires heavily. }             Frequently holds hands to head. }             "Omigods, I swear, never again!" } } Regalia:    Traditionally, a muffled drum with a peculiarly }             penetrating beat, but will use anything that can }             make an unpleasant monotonous noise. } } Relatives:  Sislatsirep, green-faced minor goddess. Frequently }             seen in her company. } } You owe the Oracle a new year resolution.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a Great Peppered Lake to go with the other one in Utah?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  The Great Salt Lake was formed by the accidental mixing of the } Great Acid Lake and the Great Base Lake millions of years ago.  Only } the relatively recent human discovery has turned it into a condiment. } } You owe the Oracle a really big pepper grinder.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Mighty Oracle, Supreme Protector of our Gastronomical Ideals, > please explain something to this humble, cringing supplicant. >       I just came from the grocery store.  In the bakery section, I saw > packages that were clearly marked, "JUMBO FILLED DONUTS." >       Where did they get the elephant meat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, my boy, you're all confused. } } The donuts aren't filled with Jumbo. They were filled BY Jumbo. } } Do not ask The Oracle with WHAT they are filled.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise please "tell me"...How do I obtain NT 4.0 training on > the internet

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Rummages around in debris and pulls out a catalog* } } ORACLE UNIVERSITY - FALL 1997 SCHEDULE } } Let's see... } } CS201   Advanced Batch File Programming for Macintosh   MWF  0900-1000 } CS201L  Lab to Accompany CS201 - Required               MWF  1000-1100 } CS299   Seminar: Wood-chucking Algorithms and the }         Programmers Who Love Them                       TR   1300-1430 } } Hmn..  better flip back to the easy stuff... } } CS010   Our Friend, the Mouse (NON-CREDIT)              MWF  1000-1100 } CS020   Pointing & Clicking (NON-CREDIT)                MWF  1100-1200 } CS030   Plug & Play Installation (NON-CREDIT)           MWF  1200-1300 } CS031L  Plug & Play, Required Lab (NON-CREDIT)          TR   1000-1200 } } There?  Would that be what you're looking for?  Oh, and here's one you } won't want to miss! } } CS199   Seminar: "On Hold"; The Psychodynamics of }         Voice Mail and Technical Support Paradoxes }         (INTERDISCIPLINARY)                             MW   1900-2030 } } You owe the Oracle $350 per credit hour.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yittish Oracle, answer question # 1: > Oracular Oracle,  answer question # 2: > Mighty Oracle, answer question # 3: > Omniscient Oracle, answer question # 4: > Magnificient Oracle, answer question # 5: > Majestic Oracle, answer question # 6: > Amaxing Oracle, answer question # 7: > Better-than-ever Oracle, answer question # 8: > Oceanographical Oracle, answer question # 9: > Young and Restless Oracle,  answer question # 10: > >      1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? >      2) Which country makes Panama hats? >      3) From which animal do we get catgut? >      4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? >      5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? >      6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? >      7) What was King George VI's first name? >      8) What color is a purple finch? >      9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? >     10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Many moons. } 2) This year Banana Repbulic is contracting out to Mexico. Blame NAFTA. } 3) The same one that gives us "roof rabbit". } 4) They no longer celebrate it. } 5) Camel's brand hair brushes are made with real hair. } 6) Canary birds are named after the islands they are were first found }    on. } 7) When 'e was a wee lad, 'is mutha called 'im Georgie, guv'. } 8) Inside it is mostly red and pink, with some white and lessor colors. } 9) Chinese gooseberries (now called kiwis) are from New Zealand. } 10) Several fewer moons. } } Pitiful supplicant, you owe the Oracle #1. } Saddening supplicant, you owe the Oracle #2. } Supple supplicant, you owe the Oracle #3. } Wobegone supplicant, you owe the Oracle #4. } Humble supplicant, you owe the Oracle #5. } Mortal supplicant, you owe the Oracle #6. } Tedious supplicant, you owe the Oracle #7. } Simple supplicant, you owe the Oracle #8. } Lazy supplicant, you owe the Oracle #9. } Foolish supplicant, you owe the Oracle #10. } } 1) A Mars probe with von Braun's autograph. } 2) A deadly banana spider in a glass jar. } 3) A lucky rabbit's foot. } 4) A round trip Aeroflot ticket to see the May Day parade. } 5) A nice shaving set. } 6) A copy of Darwin's _Origin of the Species_ } 7) A statue of Queen Anne. } 8) A better recipe for pigeon. } 9) A better advertising campaign for Kiwi produce. } 10) A lunar probe with JFK's autograph.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look, Orrie, I need a favour. > > I could do with a great bug thunderstorm right over Birmingham, like, > right now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A bug thunderstorm, eh?  You have something like a plague of locusts in } mind, I take it.  That's really more Yahweh's line.  My view is that } being human is torment enough all by itself.  There's no need for us } Immortals to rub your noses in it.  Still, a bug thunderstorm is well } within my powers.  Let's do it with some style, though, without the } gratuitous death and destruction.  For your bug thunderstorm we'll use } *lightning bugs*! We'll do it at night!  Imagine millions of shimmering } fireflies fluttering down from the heavens.  This will be a thing of } beauty, Supplicant, a wonder for the ages! } } Now:  which Birmingham?  I wish you Supplicants would be more precise } about these things.  We have quite a number to choose from: }      Birmingham, Alabama.  I think we can agree that the citizens of } this city have put the sins of the Jim Crow era behind them.  They } deserve to be left in peace. }      Birmingham, England.  This is really quite a large city.  We would } need an immense number of lightning bugs to outshine the urban glare. } Zeus would be on my case like you wouldn't believe for busting the } Plagues and Pestilences budget. }      Birmingham, Michigan.  This is an affluent suburban community. } Any concentration of rich people is of course a good candidate for a } destructive plague; however, these people already have too much } pleasure in their lives, and we don't need to encourage their dissolute } ways by gracing them with our glorious firefly display. }      Birmingham, Stephen.  The same argument applies to this successful } author of numerous books about Americas wealthiest families, especially } since at this time of year he's vacationing in the Hamptons. }     There are also small communities named Birmingham in at least a } dozen states.  A lightning bug thunderstorm in these places just } wouldn't have the impact we're looking for, I'm afraid. } } It looks like were going to have to scratch your Birmingham idea, } Supplicant.  We need just the right location, someplace that will } really capture the public imagination.  Maybe we can tie in with that } Pathfinder thingy you humans have up on Mars.  Houston maybe, or Mt. } Wilson . . . hmm . . . *I've got it!*  I'll do it tonight in: } }                       Roswell, New Mexico. } } You owe the Oracle an alien breeding facility, complete with aliens.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Beavis and Butthead enter the information age] > > Butthead:  Hey Beavis -- check it out!  I stole this e-mail address >  from Mr. Van Driessen's computer.  It's for some guy named, like, the >  Oracle, or something.  He can answer all of our questions about >  whatever we want.  For free. > Beavis:  So? > Butthead:  Now all we need to do is ask him a question. > Beavis:  Let's ask him about chicks... like, how soon before I get >  some? > Butthead:  Naw.  We already know you aren't gonna get any.  We >  need a more difficult question. > Beavis:  Ummmm... heh-heh ... ummmmmmmm ... heh-heh ... > Butthead:  Uh, I've got one.  Huh-huh-huh. > Beavis:  No way, buttknocker.  I've got one. > Butthead:  Tough, @sswipe.  I'm at the keyboard. > > [Butthead begins to type:] > H ... O ... W   M ... U ... C ... H   W ... O ... O ... D  ... > > Beavis:  Heh-heh.  Heh-heh.  You said "wood". > Butthead:  Oh yeah, I did.  Huh.  Huh-huh-huh. > Beavis:  Do you think, like, this Oracle dude gets morning wood? > Butthead:  Uuuuuhh... I dunno.  Depends on his, uh, relationship ... >  with, like, Lisa, or Michelle, or sumthin'. > Beavis:  Oh yeah.  Heh-heh-heh. > Butthead:  He's the MAN. > > [Butthead continues typing:] > ... W ... O ... U ... L ... D ... > > Beavis:  Look Buttmunch, that's not how you spell "wood".  I think >  it's, like, shorter. > Butthead:  Shut up Dilweed.  It's not THAT "wood". > > [Typing again:] > ... A   W ... O ... O ... D ... > > Beavis:  LOOK!  LOOK!  You said "wood" again!  Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. > Butthead:  Beavis, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna have to kick you in >  the nads. > Beavis:  No way, Butthead.  I'm gonna kick YOU in the nads. >  Heh-heh-heh. > > [Typing again:] > ... C ... H ... U ... C ... K   C ... H ... U ... C ... K   I ... F > A   W ... O ... O ... D ... > > Beavis:  LOOK!  LOOK!  You did it again!  Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!!! > [Butthead kicks Beavis in the groin:]  <CRACK!>  [Beavis finally shuts > up.] > > [Typing again:] > ... C ... H ... U ... C ... K   C ... O ... U ... L ... D > C ... H ... U ... C ... K   W ... O ... O ... D? > > Beavis [wheezing]:  Hhhhh-hhh-hhh.  "Wood".  Hhhhh-hhh-hhh.  Cool.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Bart turns the TV off:]  *click* } } Bart:    I thought "Itchy and Scratchy" was on! } Lisa:    Bart, you *know* that's only on Thursdays.  Besides, aren't }          you curious about this mystical Oracle being? } Bart:    No way, man.  I mean, Beavis and Butthead need to get a life. }          And who cares about woodchucks? } Lisa:    Bart, the woodchuck, also known as the groundhog or }          Marmota monax, is a fascinating rodent closely related }          to the squirrel.  It is also a burrowing animal, }          hibernating for several-- } Bart:    Dad, make Lisa shut up! } Homer:   Lisa, shut up! } Marge:   Homer! } Homer:   Doh! } } [Doorbell rings, and Lisa opens the door:] } } Ned:     Hey-dilly dey-dilly, neighbors! } Bart and Homer:   Doh! } Ned:     What'cha doin? } Lisa:    I was telling Bart about woodchucks. } Ned:     Woodchucks?  What's a woodchuck? } Lisa:    The woodchuck, also known as the groundhog or Marmota monax, }          is a fascinating rodent-- } Marge:   Lisa, shut up! } Bart (to Homer):  Yeah, man! } } [Krusty enters through the kitchen:] } } Krusty (muttering and stumbling):  I can't find any more beer... } Homer:   [belches].  Not anymore.  Hey!  Why are you looking for my }          beer? } Krusty:  Wha--  This isn't my house! } } [Krusty leaves through the front door.] } } Lisa:    As I was saying, the woodchuck is a burrowing animal.  In }          fact, the volume of an average woodchuck's burrow is 6860 }          cubic inches, meaning that if a woodchuck could chuck as }          much wood as dirt for the burrow, a woodchuck could chuck-- } } [Oracle turns the TV off:]  *click* } } You owe the Oracle a better cable TV package.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Galaxy-Spanning Oracle, Knower of Deep Secrets, please > enlighten this humble supplicant with Your mighty wisdom. >       Why is it that, whenever someone claims to have been abducted by > Little Green Men from Planet X, the "abductee" always claims to have > been "anally probed?"  Are these "aliens" just a bunch of horny > hillbillies from outer space ("Squeal like a pig!  Soo-eee!")?  Or is > there something more, ahem, Freudian going on? >       Enlighten me, pretty please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it's not Freudian, you silly supplicant you. It's just } that the Little Green Men from Planet X were informed that the } earthlings' leaders invariably speak out of their backsides. } They're just trying to make contact, that's all. } } You owe the Oracle a Clinton enema.