} Ah, trying to recapture the success of 883-10 (8dovJ 3.8), which was
} also written by this incarnation? Nice try, but everybody knows that
} there are only 51 really good uses for old pantyhose.
} 1. Filtering Lake Erie.
} 2. Put new pantyhose on over your old pantyhose.
} 3. More capacious than produce bags at the grocery store.
} 4. Sell them to convicted felons for eight cigs per leg.
} 5. Leave them in the church donation basket.
} 6. Put them on your robot, call it "Samantha".
} 7. Try, just try, to give them away in Tehran.
} 8. "old pantyhose" anagrams to say "deathly spoon".
} 9. You can also spell "penalty hoods", if you want.
} 10. Return them for your money back. "But one leg is shorter!"
} 11. Rub them with polyetheline for that "ghost leg" effect. (MG)
} 12. Fill the old eggs with jellybeans.
} 13. Bookmarks in the yellow pages. ("Let pantyhose do the walking.")
} 14. Return library books wrapped in old pantyhose.
} 15. Men: Hang them in the shower for that "got a girlfriend" look.
} 16. See whether anyone really knows what "taupe" is.
} 17. Put a crucifix inside each leg, make Jerry Falwell really mad.
} 18. Name your old pairs "Frankenberry" and "Count Chocula".
} 19. Wear them over your face, get free beer at the All-Nite Market!
} 20. Use pool sealant to make them watertight; fill them with bourbon.
} 21. Mail them to Ted Kaczynski. He'll be grateful.
} 22. Wear them in your sleep, and you'll have silly dreams.
} 23. Cut off the feet. Claim you're making a political statement.
} 24. Put old pantyhose on the Venus de Milo.
} 26. Ask how many pair you could trade in for a new Peugeot.
} 27. Paint the knees blue, keep wearing them.
} 28. Make a two-legged windsock.
} 29. Make a suit out of old pantyhose. Wear it to the Oscars.
} 30. Experiment: Put food in one leg, swallow it, pull it up later.
} 31. Bet you thought I forgot number 25, didn't you.
} 32. Take them back in time 50 years. Make a fortune selling them.
} 33. Ask Stephen King to write a novel about haunted pantyhose.
} 34. Refuse to touch another keyboard except through nylon.
} 35. Unravel them, and learn how to make your own.
} 36. Mail them to Ellen, beg her to wear them.
} 37. Draw a world map on them, wear them to Geography class.
} 38. Use a felt pen to draw a seam on the back, like they used to have.
} 39. Use old pantyhose to tie up your sweetheart for a special evening.
} 40. Makes a great hockey puck. Oh, wait. That was the year-old tuna.
} 41. Send it to your friends in Calcutta and Ho Chi Minh City.
} 42. Parachutes can be made of nylon. Try skydiving.
} 43. Complain that they don't make your legs feel energized anymore.
} 44. Someday, "pantyhose" will be seen as this century's silliest idea.
} 45. Except for "The Macarena", of course.
} 46. Hide old pantyhose in your friend's Sousaphone.
} 47. [Item 47 is classified "Confidential" by the US Air Force.]
} 48. Open a fast food restaurant. Give them away in the kids' meals.
} 49. Put your kittens into them. Your cats will hate it!
} 50. Wrap the phone to disguise your voice. (It works in the movies.)
} 51. Go without pantyhose. See who notices.
} You owe the Oracle two pair of "suntan", size medium.