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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail great Oracle, who stoppeth > one of three, > > Do you know the lyrics to that >   -and they all went to University, > "Little Boxes" song? Ever since > they stuffed me into a cubicle >   -and they all work in little boxes, > at work the two lines I know > have been driving me slowly >   -and they all look just the same. > insane. >   -and they all work in little boxes, >   -and they all look just the same.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   --And they all work on Windows boxes, }   --And they all look just the same. }   --They all work on Windows boxes, }   --And they all worked kinda lame. } } But one wasn't like the rest, } He had a web server to play with. } A machine which stays up for months? } Most thought it was just myth. } }   --He was making Linux boxes, }   --"'Cause it's better", he'd claim. }   --He was working on Linux boxes, }   --And gave each its own cute name. } } They couldn't understand his OS, } And the flexibility it gave. } He could use another window manager } And change how windows behave. } }   --He was using Linux boxes, }   --That set Windows users aflame. }   --He was using Linux boxes, }   --Of course it was he they blame. } } They plotted to stop him, } And procurement they did persuade, } Through many illogical arguments, } To deny him a system upgrade. } }   --But he never got new boxes, }   --Using 486's he'd reclaim. }   --He was using Linux boxes, }   --That put Windows boxes to shame. } } Unfortunately his days were few, } The managers would all agree, } That he couldn't be taken seriously, } When they learned his OS was *free*. } }   --And they all work on Windows boxes, }   --And they all look just the same. }   --They all work on Windows boxes, }   --And they all worked kinda lame.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Be an Uber, > > Not a knave. > > Nietzsche uses > > Burma Shave.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shaving's bourgeois, } } Much too slow. } } Schopenhauer } } Lets it grow! } } You owe the Oracle an arrangement of _Also Sprache Zarathustra,_ } arranged for kazoo band.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most medically-wise Oracle. > > She left me, my heart aches. Do you know of a good painkiller ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   There are many different painkillers which can be used in a case such } as this. Unfortunatly most of them have side-effects. Rather than } prescribe one of them I think I should give you a list } }    1. Ihateyouphedrine }       Often taken by those suffering later stages of a break-up. The } drug works by stimulating the bile duct causing large amounts of bile } to be spat out by the user of the drug. }   Side Effects: Dependance, user may become addicted to the drug and } may continue to show the drugs effects long after the initial need to } take the drug has passed. }               Repelance, Frequent exposure to bile produced by this } drug often causes friends and relatives, initially sympathetic to the } medical problem to show reluctance to be in the vicinity of the user. } }    2. Newgirlfriendemmet }       A rather risky drug to try. The drug may have different effects } on the same person. The main reason for this is the large number of } different brand of the drug available. Effects range from euphoria to } depression. Furthermore the drug taker slowly gains tolerance to the } drug and may even start to show signs of allergic reaction. Another } problem is that the user may become dependant on the drug. Should the } drug then no longer be administered the user may show symptoms worse } than the original ones. } }    3. Gettingonwithlifex }       One of the better painkillers on the market. Unfortunatly it is } very hard to find. Must not be confused with the similar but less } effective pretendingtogetonwithlifex } }    4. Becomingatrappistmonkamine }       By far the strongest drug on the market. Should only be used by } those in the greatest pain. While absolutly curing the pain the drug } has a wide variety of side effects including, Hair loss, inability to } speak, insomnia (victim sleeps okay at night but gets up at 5 in the } morning). } }    5. Vowofchastityoic acid }       Don`t bother with this one as it is mearly a placebo. The user } has no release from the pain and often stops taking the drug the second } the pain has gone. } }    6. Babycomebackadrine }       This drug has been known to work on some occasions causing relief } of pain and showing no side effects (well no effects that user wasn`t } suffering from before at least). However in many cases it has no effect } on the pain and may even still cause side effects, which may include, } insomnia and depression. } }    7. Alternative Treatments } } Homeopathic Remedies }       Often chosen by sufferers because they are well known to have no } side effects. Unfortunatly this is because they have no effect } whatsoever } } Aromatherapy }       Sniffing her purfumes will not help! Give it up now. } } Accupucture }       Put that knife down this instant. } }       ORACLE HEALTH WARNING } }  The above list is only a guide. Consult your doctor before beginning } any course of medication. } }  You owe the oracle a copy of The Guide To Aphrodisiacs.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why bill Gatel is gay ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I beg your pardon?  This doesn't sound quite right.  Things must have } gotten mixed up in transmission--unreliable protocol, you know.  Let's } see if we can straighten this out. } } (shuffle shuffle)     Will I, sly, get by a hag? } } No, that can't be it.  Let's try again. } } (shuffle shuffle)     Will a shy gila get by? } } Nope. } } (shuffle,shuffle)     Why bag Lily?--get Lisa. } } What?  What about Lisa? } }                       Yes, I will bag thy gal. } } You'll do no such thing!  Who are you? } }                       Lyle with baggy Lisa. } } All right, Lyle, let Lisa go and I won't hurt you.  And what do you } mean, baggy? } }                       Baggy wet hilly Lisa. } } Well, hilly, okay, but . . . } }                       Leggy with sly labia. } } Look, Lyle, Lisa's privates are none of your business.  Now LET HER GO! } }                       Lye bath--Lisa wiggly. } } *Lye bath*?  What kind of monster are you?  Lisa!  LISA!! } }                       Bale thy wiggly Lisa. } } Do you have her tied up somewhere?  Is she all right?  I swear, Lyle, } if you've hurt Lisa I'll ZOT you like I've never ZOTted anyone! } }                       Why, it's a li'l gag.  Bye.  L. } } A *gag*?  This is your idea of a joke?  You are really sick, Lyle, do } you know that?  You owe me big time.  And don't worry, I'll collect.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great allmighty oracle, > >       Whose ears are never full of wax, >       Who's computers never are a vax, >       Who's wisdom is like the flowing rain, >       Who's knowledge drives a man insane, > > Please, tell me the future: > > I'm a little worried about Apple. Will they make it, or will we all end > up running Windows? Is there anything at all we can do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha ha ha, silly mortal.  Of course Apple will pull through - but like } all things in this transitory illusion you call reality, it will live } by changing into something else.  Metamorphoses is the word, and the } question you should be asking is "What _form_ will Apple take in the } future?" Once the gentle giant of the computer world, Apple will adopt } the aggressive, obnoxious marketing tactics once practiced by Data } General. This "in-your-face" attitude will percolate throughout the } company, and a new corporate culture will develop - a "take no } prisoners" approach will transform not only the sales force but the } very core of the company, the programmers themselves.  No more } touchy-feely user-friendly software folks! Replace that inoffensive } little wastebasket with a proton-neutralizer rifle, and blast your file } into sub-atomic particles!  Yes, in order to save Apple, they will } destroy it. } } You owe the Oracle a beta-release of "Doom V - The Operating System } (Macintosh Only)", just as soon as it becomes available.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why nobody speak italian ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well noticed!.  Actually nobody - not even the Italians - speak } Original Italian these days.  The story goes like this. } } In the early days of the earth all men shared one language, the } original one spoken by Adam and Eve and which they taught their } children (Cain's first word was "Rock" rather than "Mama" which } should have been a give-away).  It was the perfect human tongue; } both concise and beautiful and when you spoke to God in it you got } a straight answer rather than strange looks from passers-by. } } But as is recorded in the Book of Genesis the people of the earth } got themselves into all sorts of trouble.  Their Tower of Babel } project was cancelled, although the concept of a place where an } entire population could be brought together for no useful purpose } was to resurface later in schemes such as the "Restaurant of } McDonalds" and "Theme-park of Disney". } } The outcome was that the Good Lord got everyone to stop what they } were doing and made them choose a language of their own from a wide } variety that He'd designed earlier.  (Omnipotence doesn't mean less } work, just the chance to always be prepared). } } So all the soon-to-be nations queued up and made their choices. } } The Germans jumped in first and took what looked like the easiest } language to learn as it only had a few words.  Unfortunately this } meant that all the other words they needed had to be made-up by } stringing those few together in ever-increasing length.  It turns } out that the original German language was a notation left-over from } God's design for DNA. } } The French snapped-up the language of poetry and romance, best suited } for lovers to share their intimacies whilst locked in passionate } embrace.  Their sting was a cuisine composed mainly of garlic and } strong herbs. } } The English chose a tongue that lacked a lot of key words and resulted } in a history of empire-building, trade and basic conquest in order to } obtain nouns from everyone else. } } The Maya got an advanced version of HTML by accident - all those } pictographs are really icon bit-maps.  Egyptian has a similar root } which not only explains the pyramids but means that the accurate } translation of the hieroglyphics "little-bird / hand / eye / ankh" } is "Make Money Fast!". } } Others made seriously bad choices.  The Eskimos for instance } discovered their language really does have all those words for snow. } The only way they could hold sensible conversations was to abandon } their Bermuda shorts and sun-block and head off up north.  Every Eskimo } is a world-class surfer; they just haven't discovered it yet. } } And so on.  Until we get to the Italians.  Well, they were last, having } been out for an extended lunch, then stopping off for ice-cream (just } missing the Eskimos who otherwise would have had found something good } to do with all that ice) } } By the time the Italians arrived at Babel, all the languages had been } passed out and the other nations had wandered off in search of } translators.  This left the Italians the only people on earth still } speaking the original, perfect language of Adam.  Which by default was } now called Italian. } } It didn't take the Good Lord long to spot what was going on.  The } Italians were walking around communicating with each other perfectly. } Left to themselves they would have rapidly developed a superlative } culture and a science and technology that would have made them masters } of the Earth for all time.  God certainly wasn't having that!  So He } stepped in and confused their language big-time.  He'd been looking for } a good home for the word "linguine" anyway. } } In the end the Italians didn't do too badly.  They kept enough of that } original language to form Latin and get the Roman Empire started off. } Of course, the Germanic folks eventually swept in from the west and } stole it, but there was just enough left to help out with the } Renaissance later on. } } The only Italian to ever work out the truth was Leonardo.  He reverse- } engineered the Original Italian language one wet afternoon, but was } wise enough to keep it to himself.  He wrote it up in a dictionary, } spent an extra half-hour thinking up PGP in order to encode it, then } invented the JPEG format to represent the resulting binary pattern as a } picture he could paint.  The result? - the Mona Lisa of course.  Now } you know what she's smiling about. } } You owe the Oracle the Mona Lisa, a scanner and Leonardo's PGP key.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who never forgets a name or a face, if anybody can > answer this question, it must be you. > > On the classic "Seinfeld" episode called "The Junior Mint", Jerry has > forgotten his new girlfriend's first name. But he does remember one > thing: The name rhymes with a word for a female body part. Eventually, > the woman says, "You don't even know my name, do you?" and Jerry has to > guess. "Mulva?" he says, and she storms out. > > Please, Oracle, tell me what her name really was!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Icontinentia -- Buttox! } } Whoops, wrong TV show.  Let's see, I'm not much for American } TV, even though I live here.  Everything went downhill after } Gilligan's Island, you know.  But the one thing you can count } on about American TV is that it's always predictable.  So if } you want a woman's name that rhymes with a woman's body part, } all you have to do is go for the obvious, which in this case } would be:  Harriet. } } No?  Rats.  Let's see, how about Myrtle?  No, that's not it. } Beverly?  No, that doesn't rhyme with anything at all, does } it?  Susan?  That kinda rhymes with bosom, doesn't it?  Nah. } Jo?  That definitely rhymes with toe!  So that must be it. } } You owe the Oracle a home for all these dang kittens.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I recently noticed that the Jetsons kid > (I can't remember his name) looks an awful lot like Billy in > the Family Circus.  Are they related somehow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble Supplicant, your question of Elroy and Billy will now be } answered. } } Of course they're related.  They would have been fraternal twins, but } the Two-Child Quota Act of 2164, coupled with the Dole-Thurmond } Non-abortion Act of 2054, required the family to give one of them up } for adoption.  The agency sent the two-day-old fetus back in time to } the Family Circus family's mother's womb.  He would grow up to invent } the anti-gravity device that keeps hovercars and floating signs in the } air, as seen in "Back To The Future" parts 2 and 3. } } This agency is responsible for the placement in history of unusual } people, among them Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Jesus } Bar-Joseph.  They made a small timing error in that last case, but they } sent a representative of the company to try to clear things up. } } You owe the Oracle one pink Mattel Hoverboard.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How's it going?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This Zog.  Zog see bright light, puny geek step out, say he make time } hole.  Zog go in light.  Hole close.  Zog in big cave.  Lot of rock in } cave.  More puny geek.  Many geek.  One... two... many.  Geek run away } when see Zog.  Rock have pictures on them.  Pictures of square, with } squiggly black stuff in them.  Some have pictures of real hot women } (but women no have tails---why?)  One rock have question for Oracle. } Zog answer now. } } So, how go Zog day?  Thank for ask.  Day go nasty, brutish and short. } But Zog that way, too, so it OK.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, is this new movie "Contact" any good?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Exploring new spheres.  Coming in contact with foreign bodies. } Hurtling through the air without any idea of the destination.  Being } lost without ever being found. } } Gee, I never realized the life of a contact lens was so interesting. } } You owe the Oracle some saline solution.