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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle most mathematical and wise, > > what are mixed motives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Mixed motives are what you get when you cross sane motives with } loco motives. }       Choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo } choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo } choo choo choo choo choo! }       Whoo!  Whoo!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:  The Oracle Singles Dating Service > Subj:  Woman seeking Man > > Hi!  My name is Jackie, and I may be the Ms. Right you're looking for! > I'm 5'4" tall, 144 pounds (it's all where it counts, baby!).  I don't > smoke, social drinker, no kids.  I have a college degree, and am a > professional.  My likes are writing, photography, and the Internet > Oracle.  My turn offs are closed-mindedness, bigotry, hatred, and > people who respond to my Oracle questions with wit and wisdom rivaling > a kindergartner.  If you're willing to share special times, romantic > walks, and... oh yeah, be my Master and teach me how to be sexually > submissive to you in every way, please respond to Oracle Match-Box > #2473

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm, how did I get this? I'll have to look at that server software. } Well, in the mean time personal ads are fun to translate. Let's see } what this one really says, OK kids? } } > > Hi!  My name is Jackie, } } Translation: Hi! My name is Jack } } > > and I may be the Ms. Right you're looking for! } } Assuming you're looking for a cross-dresser... } } > > I'm } > > 5'4" tall, 144 pounds } } I'm short and fat... } } > > (it's all where it counts, baby!). } } (I mean _REALLY_ fat! I don't have a waist, I have an event horizon!) } } > > I don't smoke, } } I smoke } } > > social drinker, } } society makes me drink, it's not my fault.. } } > > no kids. } } My one brat is all I can deal with. } } > > I have a college degree, } } I wasn't able to find a husband before I got my psych degree... } } > > and am a professional. } } and I'm hooking to make ends meet... } } > > My } > > likes are writing, photography, } } Oh, wait, that should read "writing pornography" } } > > and the Internet Oracle. } } But who doesn't like the Internet Oracle? } } > > My turn offs are } > > closed-mindedness, bigotry, hatred, and people who respond to my } > > Oracle questions with wit and wisdom rivaling a kindergartner. } } That was some fluff to scare off the real FREAKS. } } > > If you're willing to } > > share special times, romantic walks, and... } } Conjugal visits... } } > > oh yeah, be my Master and teach } > > me how to be sexually submissive to you in every way, } } Because I've always wanted to be on the Ricky Lake show! (I'm the only } one left in the trailer park who hasn't been on it!) } } > > please respond to } > > Oracle Match-Box #2473 } } C/O Fulsom prision, Cell block D } } You owe the Oracle tickets to the Ricky Lake show you'll be appearing } on.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie! > >       Are you pondering what I'm pondering???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but where are we going to get rubber pants, a portable generator, } four gallons of distilled water, floral foam, a straw cowboy hat, one } of those paintings of poker-playing dogs, a stick of butter, a 10-amp } fuse, popsicle sticks, a birdbath, a tape measure, flippers, those } little silver cake decoration thingies, a spatula, a clown suit, two } cantelopes, a miniature replica of the Washington monument with a } themometer on it, a ream of legal paper, pine tree car fresheners, a } vat of bannana pudding, two boxes of Junior Mints and a swizzle stick } at this hour? } } You owe the Oracle all of the above.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > Do French people really talk like this? > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Mon cher Jack, > > Je suis a bit fromaged off avec votre decision to blow up La Pacifique > avec le Frog bombes nuclears. Je reckon vous must have un spot in La > Belle France itself pour les explosions. Le Massive Central? Le Quay > d'Orsay? Le Champs Elysees? Votre own back yard, peut etre? > > Frappez le crows avec stones, Sport! La guerre cold est fini! Votres > forces militaire need la bombe atomique about as beaucoup as poisson > need les bicyclettes. > > Un autre point, cobber. Votre histoire militaire isn't tres flash, > consisting, n'est-ce pas, of battailles the likes of Crecy, Agincourt, > Poitiers, Trafalgar, Borodino, Waterloo, Sedan et Dien Bien Phu. Un > bombe won't change le tradition. Je/mon pere/mon grandpere/le cousin > third avec ma grandmere/la plume de ma tante fought avec votre soldats > against Le Boche in WWI (le Big One). Have vous forgotten? > > Reconsider, mon ami, otherwise in le hotels et estaminets de > l'Australie le curse ancients d'Angleterre - "Damnation to the French" > will be heard un autre temps. > > Votre chums don't want that. > > Millo

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually it's only the less intelligent one's who mangle the heady } language of Beaumarchais or Moliere in a manner such as that you } demonstrate. } } On the other hand, all Quebequois speak like that. Which is why they } are so protective of their language.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> BILLUM PORTAE NECARE VOLO

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, supplicant. You seek to test the Oracle's knowledge of obscure } languages without first groveling before me. For this I should ZOT } you, but I'm feeling especially indulgent today (but don't push it). } } The sentence actually has two translations, the first coming from } a rather archaic latin dialect: } }         "the bill for your dead Volvo" } } which is, of course, an anachronism, because Volvos did not exist } while that dialect was in use. You must therefore be seeking the } second, somewhat more arcane translation from the language of the } Portuguese hill people: } }         "Help, my caps-lock key is stuck." } } I suggest you pry it up with a bent paper clip. } } You owe the Oracle a ROT13 plug-in for Eudora Light.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Wonderous Oracle, who has more e-mail accounts than the > Easter Bunny, > > What is Santa Claus up to these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SANTA CLAUS SPENDS OFF MONTHS RAISING MONEY } "Sometimes I Wonder If It's All Worth It," Depressed Saint Nick Cries } } NORTH POLE -- Jolly Old Saint Nicholas isn't very jolly these days. } He's spending most of his time working and saving money, knowing that } he will have an incredible urge to spend it all on little children } come next December. } } "Call me Obsessive-Compulsive," Santa told Oracle reporters, "but } it's just something I feel I have to do.  Every year, I use my mystic } powers to deliver gifts to all the good little Christian boys and } girls." } } Saint Nicholas goes through this giving ritual once a year on } December 25, according to sources.  He claims to use the aid of nine } reindeer and a flying sleigh to get from house to house.  He also } claims to have incredible control over the laws of space and time. } } "Relavistic time distortion my right buttock," Santa declared after } being quoted the basics of Einstein's theory of relativity.  "I do } it, and when I'm done, it's ten minutes later, not ten centuries." } } Santa makes most of his money from shopping mall appearances.  "I } travel back in time to last Christmas all year, appearing at malls } and retail outlets across the country.  It gets very tedious and very } tiresome, but I get to see firsthand all the good little boys and } girls." } } He also has special contractual deals with rich entities.  "Michael } Jordan is a big client," Nick indicated.  "I sell him the elixir I } use to allow myself to fly.  Of course, he doesn't take nearly such } large doses." } } Santa also plays a big role in military operations.  "The Air Force } uses me and my sleigh to represent unusual enemy forces in training } missions.  I throw lumps of coal at their cockpit windows with } incredible accuracy."  Adds Santa, "I haven't taken a hit yet." } } Santa's life isn't all nose against the grindstone, however.  "Most } people don't seem to realize that if I can see all the bad things } little girls and boys do, I also get to see all the bad things } Elisabeth Shoe and Jenny McCarty do.  And let me tell you, they've } been really naughty.  I'm considering hand-delivering their coal to } them next season."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh innumerably gifted one, most omniscient one, omnipotent one, > omni...omni one, whom this ignorant hominid, barely capable of counting > up to twenty, and this only thanks to and with the help of the abundant > number of protrusions at the end of its four (?) limbs, is unworthy > of addressing in the first place, please answer this question: > > What happens when spam gets sent to oracle@cs.indiana.edu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it depends on the kind of spam.  On the Biblical philosophy } (which I invented, by the way) of "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a } tooth," I have designed an automated system which replies to spam sent } to my address with appropriate retaliation.  The system is too robust } to describe briefly, but here are some examples: } } SPAM YOU SEND ME      YOUR RESPONSE } } "MAKE MONEY FAST" or  All banks in which you have money } any pyramid scheme    collapse; all of your stocks plummet. } } "Luck" chain letter   You slip on a waxed floor and break one bone }                       for each forwarding address on the letter. } } "Sex" chain letter    You are suddenly hit with a sexual }                       harrassment lawsuit with one plaintiff for }                       each forwarding address on the letter. } } Chain letter for      The garbage collectors mysteriously } Craig Shergold        stop picking up your trash. } } Mrs. Fields'          Every charge on your next credit card statement } cookie recipe         has the decimal shifted one to the right. } } Petitions where the   Your name is placed on every junk-mailing list } 25th signer must      in the country.  You are subscribed to all } send a copy to the    existing magazines by the "bill me later" option. } bad guys } } Addition to a         The US Postal Service returns all mail } mailing list to       sent to you to the sender.  When you } which I didn't        complain, their records show nothing wrong. } subscribe } } Scores of ASCII-      Your home begins mysteriously smelling } like cow pictures     of cow's dung.  Nobody can figure out why. } } Pictures of           In a rare use of eminent domain, the government } cans of SPAM          repossesses all of your property and gives it to }                       pig farmers as part of a pork subsidy package. }                       Nobody notices. } } Green card offers     Your citizenship is revoked, and you are }                       deported before you can complain. } } Any spam with "tell   The IRS starts auditing you every year.  Jehovah's } me" or "tellme" in    Witnesses and Mormons show up at your door day } the Subject heading   after day.  Your hubcaps are stolen.  A leopard }                       escapes from the local zoo and roams your }                       neighborhood.  Pizzas and chinese food which you }                       did not order are delivered to your door.  The }                       power company cancels your service.  You discover }                       that your home has termites.  The state begins to }                       build a correctional facility next door.  You }                       lose your sense of smell.  Your job is downsized. }                       You develop leprosy. } } You owe the Oracle a chain letter campaign telling everybody on the } Internet not to mess with me.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 Tomblin, Purdy, pir, Young, and Pederson >                          System Administrators >                        nospam@kill_the_spam.*com > > TO:                                   FROM: > Internet Oracle                       alt.sysadmin.recovery and >                                       alt.tech-support.recovery >                                       contributors > oracle@cs.indiana.edu                 news:alt.sysadmin.recovery >                                       news:alt.tech-support.recovery > > Sir: > > It have come to our attention that you have been in possession of a > restricted weapon of great LART potential. > > Use of Luser Attitude Readjustment Tools (LART's) have been > restricted to charter posters of moderated Internet newsgroups > alt.sysadmin.recovery, alt.tech-support.recovery and non-posting system > administrators, news administrators, web(Internet) administrators, > and technical support people by the Geneva convention of 1887. > > More over, usage of weapons in which chemical element "ZOT" is present, > such as Staff of ZOT, ZOT Cannon, and Great LARTing ZOT Machine Gun, > have been specifically restricted by international treaty of Zalzburg > of 1982 of which State of Indiana is a signee. In chapter 7, paragraph > 3, sub-paragraph C it is explicitly stated that: > >   "Usage of Staff of ZOT, or any modifications, such as Rapid Firing >    Stuff of ZOT, or Shoulder Mounted Stuff of ZOT should be >    administered only by qualified personnel and only onto Certified >    Computer Lusers" > > In paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd Amendment it is stated that > "qualified personnel" is: > >   "Any posters of moderated Internet newsgroups alt.sysadmin.recovery, >    alt.tech-support.recovery and non-posting system administrators, >    news administrators, web(Internet) administrators, and computer >    technical support people are considered as the only personnel >    qualified for handling any weapons of LART potential higher then 7 >    megaLARTs, including the LART's utilizing ZOT as an integral part >    of their design". > > In accordance to the Zalzburg Treaty, the LART potential of Staff of > ZOT exceeds the safe 7 megaLARTs, and is 9.5 megaLARTs > > We are charging Internet Oracle with the following offenses: > >   o  Usage of restricted LART > >   o  Usage of a LART with LART potential of 9.5 megaLARTs by personnel >      that is not qualified to handle LART of such potency > >   o  Usage of LART which uses ZOT chemical element in it's integral >      design on subjects that are not qualified as Certified Computer >      Lusers, such as woodchucks, supplicants, and Zadoc. > > The above offenses are punished by repeated subjection to ZOT Cannon > with LART potential of 12.3 megaLARTs for the duration of 10 LARTings, > or to subjection to 5 !plonk!'s at the choice of the offender. > > We have taken into consideration your usage of Staff of ZOT on Bill > Gates, and decided that a following amendment to the sentence would be > in order: > >    Please cease usage of Staff of ZOT, and return it to armory of >    alt.sysadmin.recovery or become a "qualified person" as stated in >    paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd Amendment within 24 hours or >    the above sentence will be carried out. > > Peter (pir) Radiclif, Head Administrator > [Signed] > > Sean B. Purdy   Eric L. Pederson   Paul Tomblin   Alister J. R. Young > [Signed]        [Signed]           [Signed]       [Signed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sirs: } }       I draw your attention to paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd } Amendment:  "....and computer technical support people are considered as } the only personnel qualified for handling any weapons of LART ..."  I } also wish to point out the definition of "computer technical support } people"  as defined by The Bylaws of The Committee for Preserving the } Sanity Of Help Line Staffers (CoPSOHLS): } } "A computer technical support person is anyone who fields insipid } computer related questions from the generally clueless in the course of } their regular work day.  This may include, but is not limited to, help } line staffers, your brother-in-law, the grad student unlucky enough to } be in the computer lab right now, and the guy in the office who bothered } to take five minutes to learn the stupid machine.  Insipid questions may } include, but are not limited to, "How do I exit Windows?",  "Should I } save this report?",  "How do I print this?", and "I just formatted my C: } drive, and I had no backup copies.  Is this bad?" } } Now, if you realize that many of my incarnations are at work, and that } the vast majority of the questions I receive are insipid, (" HEY D00D, } WHERE CAN I GET GIFS OF N00D ASIAN CHICKS?????" and ASCII pictures of } cows) you should realize that I am quite qualified for handling said } LART weapons. } } Thank you, } T. I. Oracle

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle so wise that he can calculate Pi to 5.65 x 10^598 decimal > places, > > I have a loaf of bread which got mold all over it, rendering it not > very edible.  Could you please inform me of the official top 100 uses > for moldy bread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd be glad to: } }  1. A nice doorstop. }  2. Extract the penicillin to help you through those wild weekends. }  3. Moldy sandwiches. }  4. Save a bunch of them and build a shed in the backyard. }  5. Pile a few in the back of your pickup for better traction in icy }     weather. }  6. Feed moldy bread to molting birds. }  7. Use it as a throw pillow. }  8. Use in rousing games of bread football. }  9. Start a compost heap like you've been intending to. } 10. The perfect murder weapon -- the mold will consume the evidence. } 11. Moldy Bread anagrams nicely to dreamy old B. } 12. Consume it as part of a vision quest. } 13. Balance it on your head. } 14. Make moldy toast. } 15. Throw it in a lake.  If it floats, it's actually a witch. } 16. Take it back to the store for a refund. } 17. Put it on your coffee table as a nice conversation piece. } 18. Take it to work and stick your pens in it. } 19. Don't tell anyone I told you this, but the Freemasons will admit }     anyone with a "moldy loaf" into their temple. } 20. Throw it at squeamish muggers to buy time for escape. } 21. Ward off vampires. } 22. Sell it to pilgrims as the actual bread from the Last Supper. } 23. Tile the bathroom with moldy slices. } 24. Show it to your Grandma for an earful about wasting food. } 25. It also anagrams to "red mob lady." } 26. Put it under your pillow for 25 cents from the mold fairy. } 27. Spin it on its end and it will mysteriously flip over. } 28. Use it as a sponge. } 29. Put away the phone book and use it as a booster seat. } 30. Just keep saying "moldy bread" until the words lose all meaning. } 31. Have the Oracle write 100 uses for it. } 32. Just put it back in the fridge next to the year-old tuna and }     pretend it's not there. } 33. Take it to Mardi Gras and barter it for some beads. } 34. Make moldy croutons. } 35. Teach it to fly South with an ultralight painted to look like a }     giant loaf of moldy bread. } 36. Send it off in a letter to yourself. } 37. Put a file in it and send it to an incarcerated friend. } 38. Pick it up. Put it down. Pick it up. Put it down. Home gym! } 39. Call your friends over to help you ponder its deeper meaning. } 40. Thank it in your Oracularities Awards acceptance speech. } 41. My moldy bread loaf } 42. Sitting on the counter } 43. Piece of fuzzy green } 44. Use it as a metaphor of mortality in your philosophy class. } 45. Shave it off -- oh wait, that's for moldy beards. } 46. Have it bronzed for the mantle. } 47. Send it to little David the cancer patient who is trying to get }     into the Guiness Book of World records for having the largest }     collection of rotten food. } 48. Have Tim Burton come up with a blockbuster script featuring a }     lovable moldy bread ghost. } 49. Grind it into powder and make a fragrant sachet for your sock }     drawer. } 50. Think of 50 more uses for it. } 51. OK, 49. } 52. Smoke it with your crazy college buddies. } 53. Maybe the dingoes stole your loaf of moldy bread. } 54. Line up all the slices in a geometric pattern and write a }     bestselling book _The_Bread_Code_ based on the startlingly accurate }     predictions found in your loaf. } 55. Scoff at those who doubt you. } 56. Hide it in your hall closet. } 57. Look at it under a microscope. } 58. Feed it to your hated enemies. } 59. Ignore it.  Maybe it will go away. } 60. Pine for simpler times when all the bread was fresh. } 61. Glue a slice to the sidewalk and watch the fun when someone tries }     to pick it up. } 62. Mummify it. } 63. Put on a medieval peasant costume, go to a Renaissance festival, }     and pester people with it. } 64. Bang it around on the kitchen counter for a while as you sing the }     Spice Girls' songs. Keep the beat. Go on. You'll be surprised how }     much sense this makes. } 65. Liven up your life with lots of important people asking you }     questions by sending it to Bill Clinton. } 66. Get your kicks above the waistline, Sunshine.  Carve a moldy }     bread chess set. } 67. Make crumbs for moldy fried chicken. } 68. Clutch it to your chest while staring blankly and rapidly rocking }     back and forth. } 69. Dude! } 70. Secretly replace it with Folger's Crystals. } 71. Soak in it. } 72. Bury it in the ice in Antarctica next to a meteor from Venus. }     Giggle to yourself when everyone jumps to the wrong conclusion }     upon its discovery. } 73. Slices make creepy Yarmulkes for Jewish Marilyn Manson fans. } 74. Ground it for sassing back. } 75. Give it to your nephew as a science project. } 76. Make moldy stuffing on Thanksgiving. } 77. Aerate it regularly to make sure it doesn't become compacted. } 78. Split the top and let the butter bake right in. } 79. Give it a good coat of spit shine. } 80. You know what they call moldy bread in France?  A Royale with mold. } 81. } 82. Give it to Jackie Chan and watch him fend off 25 attackers with it. } 83. Sell it at the flea market as Chia Bread. } 84. In case you were wondering, 81 is the NULL use. } 85. Fling the slices around like frisbees with your friends at the park. } 86. Sneak it into the grocery store and put it back on the shelf. } 87. Wear it as an elegant broach. } 88. Slices make good beer coasters. } 89. Burn the loaf when you run out of firewood. } 90. Hold it toward those who annoy you while you look away and say }     "Talk to the loaf!" } 91. Bang your head against it when you run out of ideas. } 92. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 loafs }     a molding. } 93. Up your nose with a moldy loaf. } 94. Mold mold mold bacon mold eggs mold and mold hasn't got much mold }     in it. } 95. Make moldy French Toast. } 96. Dress it in a lepruchan outfit. } 97. Bring it with you to your job interview "for luck." } 98. Talk about it for a half an hour on National Public Radio. } 99. Make moldy maxi pads from the slices. } 100. Throw it away, man.  Just let it go. } } Whew! You owe the Oracle the Top 100 uses for Top 100 Lists.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most luminous! > > Sing me a song of wombats in the computer room.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (to the tune of Green Day's Basket Case) } } There once was a schmo } (I think his name was Joe) } Who visited the third floor computer lab... } He wanted to hack } But only on a Mac } Which really was a contradiction in terms... } } The killer wombats came that day } They ripped his guts out right away } We sometimes wonder why } He's a plain pathetic guy } The killer wombats came } To take their lives! } } The next guy, named Jack, } A UNIX maniac, } He came again to get on his shell acount } "I'm better than you! }  My OS proves it's true!" } (Although he hadn't touched a girl in three years) } } During the next wombat attack } The whole room pointed straight at Jack } Jack was dead; though it seemed wrong } The room broke into song } The killer wombats came } To take their lives! } } This song, it makes no sense... } But neither did the sup...plicant... } } The next one to die } Was Greg, a normal guy } The room fell silent when they saw him offed } Our friend Greg, it seems } Had unusual dreams } He wanted to go work for Microsoft } } Now though he's dead, we wish him well } We hope in prayers he'll go to hell } If he winds up there, it seems } He can still fufill his dreams } The killer wombats came } To take their liiiiiiiiiiiiiiives..!