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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Magister Artium Theologiae, > > Could God invent a religion so absurd that He couldn't believe it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, supplicant, God did not invent religion.  He started out with } a few good ideas, which got all twisted up in was is probably the very } first example of the game "Telephone". } } He would say something like "Hey guys, how about some nice fresh lamb } for dinner?" to his prophets, who would say to the people "God wants } some fresh lamb" who would then interpret this as "God demands we } slaughter and burn our best animals in his honor", and then proceed to } make the whole country side smell like burned veal. } } Eventually, God got fed up with this sort of behavior and lost his } temper.  Being God, this was very noticable to the people, who cowered } and groveled and made up all sorts of silly rituals and practices to } try and make God happy.  They never really succeeded, of course, but } eventually God cooled down a bit and decided to take a nice long } vacation.  The people decided that this was due to their current set of } rituals, so they wrote them all down and have been inflicting them on } the world ever since. } } Anyway, the basic idea is more or less "Try to be nice to each other". } Please don't repeat it to your friends, they will tell their friends, } etc, and eventually we might end up with an even wierder set of rules } than we currently have. } } You owe the oracle a philosophy of life of 50 words or less, carved in } granite in large, block letters, containing no words longer than 2 } syllables.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Mighty Oracle, please tell me:  is it true that things are more > like they are now than they ever were before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not quite. Things are now more like they would have been if they hadn't } been the way they were before they became like they are now. } } You owe the Oracle a Mobius Strip.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and wonderful, > >       I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a > fireman, or a sysadmin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts" were } just made to answer: } } PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER } Astronaut:  Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity. } Fireman:    Saving lives and property. } Sysadmin:   Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep. } } ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS } Astronaut:  "Study science and math and eat your vegetables." } Fireman:    "Study science and math and eat your vegetables." } Sysadmin:   "DON'T DO IT!  RUN AWAY!" } } QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING } Astronaut:  "Where do you go to the bathroom?" } Fireman:    "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?" } Sysadmin:   "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been }              getting?" } } WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV? } Astronaut:  Yes! } Fireman:    Occasionally. } Sysadmin:   Only MSNBC's "The Site," which doesn't technically count as }             TV. } } WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER? } Astronaut:  As computers get more and more advanced and able to control }             more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes. } Fireman:    As more and more people install smoke detectors in their }             homes, yes. } Sysadmin:   As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet, }             absolutely not. } } INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION } Astronaut:  "The Right Stuff" } Fireman:    "Backdraft" } Sysadmin:   Uh...gee, I'm really drawing a blank here..."Wargames"? } } YOUR WORK HOURS } Astronaut:  Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of }             time between missions to relax. } Fireman:    24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax. } Sysadmin:   Not really "work hours" or even "work days"...more like }             "work millenia." } } FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB } Astronaut:  Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the }             opposite sex. } Fireman:    Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the }             opposite sex. } Sysadmin:   You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert." } } NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION } Astronaut:  A few, from people who think the government should be }             spending its money in different ways. } Fireman:    A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive }             following a 911 call. } Sysadmin:   You'll have to learn what comes after "trillion" to be able }             to count them all. } } YOUR VEHICLE } Astronaut:  Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar }             rocket. } Fireman:    Big red truck with flashing lights and siren. } Sysadmin:   1978 AMC Gremlin. } } In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing in } even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin. } } Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been getting?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Carboniferous Oracle, please answer my question: > > How can I do what I wanted to do if I had not intended to have done > what I had been planning when I was going to do what I hadn't wanted > after I didn't have to do what I wanted to do even if I hadn't realized > that I was going to do what I wasn't going to have been preparing to > do even though I wasn't even going to do when I had finished deciding > not to persue what I wanted to do when I finally attempted to do what > I was going to do? > > Thank you for your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, everyone?  Ready to begin the department meeting? } } We had a supplicant this week ask a difficult question.  Let's diagram } it on the white board: } } >How can I do } >        what I wanted to do } >if I had not intended } >        to have done } >        what I had been planning } >                when I was going to do } >                        what I hadn't wanted [to do] } >                after I didn't have to do } >                        what I wanted to do } >        even if I hadn't realized } >                I was going to do } >                        what I wasn't } >                                going to have been preparing to do } >                        even though I wasn't even going to do } >                        when I had finished deciding not to persue } >                what I wanted to do } >        when I finally attempted to do } >what I was going to do? } } Okay, people: bottom line, we need to research to implement a } department mission statement codifying the corprate goal of analyzing } paradigm shifts to achieve maximum profibility, marketability, } shareholderability, and woodchuckability.  We might have to rightsize. } Zadoc, schedule a conference call with the Vice-Director of Temple } Engineering's administrative assistant's intern to get time on his } schedule for obtaining time on the administrative assistant's schedule } to obtain a phone call to the Vice to arrange for the all-hands meeting } pre-meeting where we'll celebrate our mission. } } You owe the Oracle a paradigm shift.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most incredible, whose toejam I would eat if it was edible, > whose prowess is unforgetable, whose complexes are never Oedipal, > please tell me: > > Recently my friends have begun calling me "The Man." Even strangers > greet me with, "You The Man!" I'd like to know when the official > ceremony will be held in which I officially become The Man, who was The > Man before me, and what are my official duties as The Man? For that > matter, who is The Woman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant it is time for you to know your density - sorry I mean } destiny.  Others have seen it in you so your time must be near.  "The } Man" is the male individual selected by the gods to introduce a new } genetic trait into the human gene pool.  Previous "The Men" have } included Matt Groening (the merchandising gene), Michael Bolton (the } bland gene) and Stephen Jay Gould (the 'smart arse' gene).  The special } trait you possess is the corduroy gene.  Pervious attempts at } implementing this gene have failed (Noam Chomsky, Carl Sagan).  You } must now procreate to ensure the spread of this gene - this is where } "The Woman" comes into it. } } You must seek out "The Woman".  She has been pre-programmed to be } attracted to corduroy.  You will find her in the 'records' section of } your local government department.  She will be further recognisable by } the thick black rimmed glasses held together with a band-aid, long } socks and tartan skirt (Campbell). } } Meet this woman.  Be fruitful.  Multiply. } } Soon the world will be echoing with the sound of "vit vit" as thousands } of thighs encased in corduroy rub together. } } You owe the oracle a dissertation on the myth of stereotype.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why can't time travel ever be possible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It will be, but it takes time!! } } You owe the Oracle a TimeMachine!!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose spleen I am not worthy to polish, please > tell me... > > What exactly do you do with all the stuff that supplicants give you? > I mean, I can understand why you would want with a Madonna CD and a > 12-gauge shotgun (I hope they arrived by now), but what in the world > are you going to do with a nude photograph of Janet Reno?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Suppliant, } } Thank you for the materials received.  We are getting close to } completing the Oracle's New Greenhouse/Toenail Clipper/Alarm Clock } version 4.02, and will have it finished once we find the lower jawbone } of a terrarium.  Your assistance in this matter will be appreciated. } } Sincerely, } } Rube Goldberg Construction } } You owe the Oracle a reliable contractor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > How much beav could a beaver beav if a beaver could beav beav?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Customer - } } We consider Beaver performance data to be highly sensitive } information, because Beaver performance depends on the version of your } Beaver, and its beaving environment. We hesitate to release absolute } Beaver performance information to prevent comparison with other } devices, such as the Woodchuck. This type of comparison is tricky, } and can allow the customer to form inappropriate conclusions. } } For example, the hardware model of your Beaver greatly influences the } performance of your Beaver system. Previous models of the Beaver base } hardware were called "The Platypus", and while interesting from a } technology point of view, they were rather limited in their beaving } capabilities. If you find that you have one of these newer model } Beavers, it is suggested that you upgrade your hardware to the most } recent Beaver model. } } Do note that you can not simply change the bill and flipper } peripherals to the newer flat tail, feet and teeth as the software } needed to run the new devices will not run on the Platypus CPU. You } will need to upgrade to the complete Beaver package. } } We do find it disturbing that you apparently are having trouble with } your system beaving at all. If you could provide us with the version } of your Beaver, a description of its environment (man-mad lake, damned } river, etc) and your customer service contract number, we will be sure } to have Technical Support contact you as soon as possible. } } We value our Customers, } } Oracle Beaver Services.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fee fie foe foo!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I smell the blood of a supplicant who: } } Neglected to grovel } And asked a poor question } So I'll issue something } To block their die-gestion. } } == ZOT == } } How many times must you be told.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the sky always fall on Chicken Little's head in the tales?  I > mean, wouldn't it be more effective if it landed on one of the Other > farm animal heads?  Keep in mind, I haven't finished the story yet, so > please don't tell me how they keep the sky from falling.  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The attraction between small chickens and falling skies is well } documented. In. Sanders and Slye's landmark study (Sanders,Col. H. and } Slye, L. "Twelve Piece Bucket, Lg. Coleslaw". KFC Press,1958) it was } found that  actual impacts increase with the chicken's ability to } speak. It is interesting to note that of all other animals interviewed, } none could relate any instances of celestio-cranial contact. There is, } however, a case (Goose, M. et. al. "The Three Little Pigs". Little } Golden Books,1929) in which pigs reported two examples of houses nearly } falling on them.