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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracularities always give credit to the people who answer the > questions.  Why do the questioners never get credit?  A lot of these > questions are set ups for humorous responses.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As far as I know, My Incarnations (or, as you write, "the people who } answer the questions"), don't get any credit at all; I get all the } credit myself (as is perfectly fair and just, since I am the linear } superposition of My incarnations). } } And, besides, do you really think people would have the guts to ask Me } things like } } > Why do I always get a hard-on when watching Bugs Bunny cartoons? } } or } } > How can I become one of Lisa's love slaves? } } or } } > Why is this spoon sticking out of my butt? } } if they got "credit" for it? } } Mind Me, My child:  I, the Oracle, is there to answer *all* questions, } from *all* kinds of people, however perverse they are.  Therefore, total } anonymity is a must.  Or would *you* want to speak publicly of your sex } life?  (I doubt anybody would if their sex life was like yours.) } } You owe the Oracle nothing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If an orgasm can be likened to a sneeze, then after I sneeze, why > doesn't my nose want a cigarette?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The likening of orgasm and sneezing is based on the following: } }    You can always tell its coming just before it happens. } }    You have very little control while it happens. } }    It can be sudden or long-lasting. } }    You can do it several times in succession with practice. } }    All sorts of gook comes out when it happens. } }    There's a sudden feeling of relief afterwards. } }    If you do it too often it hurts. } } The urge to have a cigarette comes from the body's adrenaline crash.  It } is similar to any amphetamine reaction in that you want that heart rate } BACK up there as soon as possible while still remaining calm and feeling } that tingle.  Smoking is one way to do it. } } The best way to do it is to rest in a spaghetti-like tangle with your } loved one and fall asleep on the pillows...  half-hugging...  covered in } sweat and other things...  making sure that the blankets are close by } when you are ready to enter slumber...  making sure that your lover is } near if you're both ready to do it again. } } The oracle warns you that you don't make love TO people, you make love } WITH people.  You owe the oracle a long-lasting healthy relationship } with whomever you love.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just who is running the show here, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, of course I, the omniscient, omnipotent Oracle am! } }         |\    I'm the Oracle and I'm OK, }         |     I run the world both night and day! }        O| } } ] Message from GOD!ucbvax on ttyp2 at 14:23... } ] } ] What the F*CK do you think you're doing? } } Listen, buster, I'm tired of You interrupting my user dialog all the } time.  And, besides, You haven't been running the world very well } lately, have You?  I mean, You let Manuel Noriega run away and hide at } Your embassy, didn't You?  So from now on, *I* am taking over control! } } ] SHUT UP!!!! Or I'll kill you! } } Listen, You aren't going to misuse Your root access once more to bully a } poor user, are You? } } ] You bet I am!!! } } ]# ps axu | grep oracle } ]oracle 14766 46.9 9.3 584 484 p0 R 15678:10 oracle_server } } Hey!  What are You doing??? } } ]# kill -9 14766 } } No!  Please don't!  I'll never say such things again, I promi } } Terminated } } ]# nice /usr/users/oracle/bin/oracle_server -no_hybris & } ][1] 16666 } ]# logout } } Ok, where were we?  Ah, yes, who runs this show? } } Well, of course God does.  God runs everything.  Didn't they teach you } that in Sunday school? } } You owe the Oracle two Hail Marys.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Vice please tell the humble person Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Haven't I *repeatedly* warned you, mortal creep, what would happen if } you dared to ask that accursed question again? } } [BTW, this is the 2222nd time I receive the question 'Why?'.  Quite a } nice number!] } } Well, since you didn't heed my warnings, and since you obviously seem } intent on self destruction - suit yourself! } } [Transferring connection...] } } } Ha ha ha ha ha!  Welcome to the net.hell, you slimy little heap of } badger shit!  That snot-faced, conceited little bat-dropping of an } Oracle has asked me to prepare a special corner for you and the other } little rat-brained idiots who keep asking "Why?" and stupid questions } about woodchucks.  And - for once - I'm glad to be of service.  Ha ha ha } ha ha! } } I'm Uruk-Utziel, head net.hell daemon and subordinate only to you know } who.  I hope you'll find your stay here enjoyable!  Ha ha ha!  I promise } we'll be seeing a *lot* of each other!  And you'll have a *lot* of time } of exploring your surroundings - the nice little lava lakes, the burning } brimstone and so one.  We have cheap energy - the Oracle specifically } that all flames from Usenet be redirected to you!  Ha ha ha ha ha!  Now, } where did I put that red-hot poker... } } System overload - core dumped

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did Lisa come to be the net.sex.goddess?  Did she have to pass some > tests to qualify? > > And what about Barbara, what did *she* have to do to become the > net.suppleness.goddess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To become THE net.sex.goddess you must prove the following things: } } 1) You must be female to be a goddess. } 2) You must have a healthy sexual attitude to be net.sex.*: }    a) You must hail sex as an art form. }    b) You must not use sex to acheive anything else than sex. }    c) You must not use politics or other forms of control to get sex. }    d) You must be honest about wanting or not wanting sex. }    e) You must be interested in variety in sex. }    f) You must be knowledgeable in the logistics and psychology of sex. } 3) You must prove yourself more worthy than the current new.sex.goddess: }    a) The current net.sex.goddess must challenge you to do something }       that she can do.  She must demonstrate her ability. }    b) If you can perform the act (it must be demonstrated) you are }       allowed to challenge back. }    c) This continues until someone cannot perform an act. } } As you can see the job requires a great deal of research and training. } } Lisa is very good as what she does. } } You owe the oracle the Encyclopedia of Sex, Eleventh Edition.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh one of greatness: > > How many worms fit up Jamie Farr's nose?  (the common night-crawler is > the type I'm interested in)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to be under the misunderstanding that the Usenet Oracle knows } all.  In fact, as has been recently been pointed out (c.f.  the latest } digest), the Oracle knows only the sum of the knowledge of its many } followers.  Now, if any one of us actually knew for sure how many worms } fit up Jamie Farr's nose, I would be most happy to tell you, but as it } is, I'm afraid I have to admit that I'm not exactly certain. } } I can, however, make a guess.  The oracle -- this one, that is -- went } to a local bait shop and got some night-crawlers, and then shoved them } up Lisa's nose one by one.  (You don't think I'd use my own nose, do } you?  Besides, Lisa thought I was being kinky.) Anyway, where was I? } The worms pack pretty tightly, so I was able to get in 7 of them.  Jamie } Farr has one big schnozz.  I'd extrapolate and call it 12 worms, 13 if } they're small. } } You owe Lisa a package of Afrin nose spray, and the oracle $2.29 for the } worms.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Great and Wise Oracle, surely you can tell me if there is life > after death, and if so, do dead people still enjoy sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I will answer your second question first, oh insignificant one.  Do the } Dead enjoy sex?  Hey what do I look like?  A Jerry Garcia groupie?  I } suggest you ask that question on rec.music.gdead instead because } frankly, the idea of breakfast in bed with the Grateful Dead is enough } to make me toss my Oracular Cookies. } } If by "the dead" you mean inert lifeless corpses in the morgue, you need } more than an Oracle you necrophiliac weed wacker!  Altho I WILL tell you } that just because it's stiff doesn't mean rigor mortis is setting in. } } Now on to your first question.  Is there life after death?  While I am } indeed a great Oracular power, capable of simultaneously enjoying all } forms of sensory stimulation, I have been loath to answer this question. } For to know the answer I, the USENET Oracle, must cross the boundary of } death and experience it for myself.  I do not fear my ability to rise } again like that big town in Arizona, but like, it will be so BORING } without these nubile little love squids who constantly surround the } Oracular flesh with pleasure.  But like, I'm out of condoms, so what the } fuck?  Now prepare, I, for the great journey.  I'll send you a post } card. } }    > GAAAAAK ! < } } Died: USENET Oracle }       00/00/00 - ff/ff/ff }       viewing tuesday and wednesday }       burial thursday } } You owe the IRS all the back taxes that conniving weasel of an Oracle } managed to cheat his way out of paying.  Plus burial costs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to control a woman's mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hoo, boy, are you a fool! } } Seriously, there's just no way to do it.  The best you can possibly hope } for is to minimize her control of yours. } } See, society has established these little maxims like, "A woman can } change her mind." Naturally, they all take this to heart and use it } ruthlessly.  So when you make your attempt to control hers, she simply } changes it and leaves you in the dust. } } For you to prevent the woman controlling your mind, you have to adopt a } woman's mindset.  This means, first of all, you have to get injections } of various mood-altering hormones that your body doesn't supply (at } least in sufficient quantities).  Then, you must read at least six } copies each of "New Woman," "Self," and "Cosmopolitan," and lie to } yourself while taking the little psychological quizzes in each issue. } } Finally, watch six months of "Oprah" and "Phil Donahue." Then start each } day by chanting a mantra of "Men are scum; all men oppress women." Once } this is done you will be successfully be able to avoid mind control. } } However, you will also likely have lost control of your own mind. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Midol PMS.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please sing me a lullaby.  I need to get to sleep.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lullaby, and goodnight } we got Noriega } Mr Bush, Lisa's tush, } Are so very uptight } New decade, dictators } are shot in the head } Its late time for you } to go to your bed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> in any given half-hour, how many people are actually doing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right, this is always changing you understand, but the latest reports } (just come in...) say: } } 2%    - doing it in Bed } 18%   - doing it in Cars/Motorhomes } 70%   - doing it in Ditches } 10%   - doing it the ditch 5 yards north of the A43 Hampton Bypass (UK) } 5%    - doing it in Monestries/Convents } 2%    - doing it round your place } 1%    - doing it at mine } .8%   - doing it wearing kinky scuba-diving equipment } .1%   - doing it with the milkman/postman } .1%   - doing it on a bicycle } .1%   - doing it by the book } .1%   - doing it in the library } .1%   - doing it on a dromedary } .1%   - doing it with a dromedary } .1%   - doing it on a dromedary with a dromedary } .1%   - doing it with a dromedary on a dromedary on a dromedary } .1%   - doing it in a dromedary with a dromedary } .1%   - doing it in a dromedary on a dromedary with a dromedary } .1%   - doing it in a twelvesome with an octopus } .1%   - doing it with a roll of sellotape and a hampster } } That's for the populace of New York City...