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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, master of the culinary sciences: > > I need to impress a chick.  What kind of wine goes best with TV dinners > you know, those microwavable ones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Raisins, water and a pinch of yeast.  2 1/2 minutes, then chill.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh infallible Oracle, accountant to the Gods, whose columns are roman > and error-free, whose rows by any other name would smell as sweet, > tell me: > > Does dismantling a computer with a sledgehammer count as research, > and can I deduct it as a business expense?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but, if you're running Windows 95, it does count as an upgrade.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How, oh great one, who's intelligence goes beyond all other mortal > beings, and how omnicool you are for it, please let this humble and > unworthy piddle of a supplicant know... > > A foxy lady walks into a bar, and she sit by me.  What do I say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Why, that's a big, bushy tail you've got there." } } When her head is turned, douse yourself in male fox urine. All foxy } ladies love this. } } You owe the Oracle non-species-specific Rohypnol.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hercules rules !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want to know the Hercules Rules? Well, there are too many to list } all of them, but I can give you a selection: } } 1. Despite being the strongest man in the world, nobody's head will } explode when he hits them. } ... } 13. Hera's elite guards could be taken by a couple of Boy Scouts and } a cranky badger. } ... } 24. Despite this being Ancient Greece, women will not walk around } with their breasts exposed. } ... } 33. Amazons will have two (2) breasts at all times. } ... } 40. Slaves? What slaves? Nobody here but us farmers and traders. } ... } 44. Everybody will speak the same language, even Romans. } ... } 50. All men will be heterosexual, whatever the history books say } about the Greeks. } ... } 62. Legendary monsters and people are quite commonplace and are met } on a regular basis, no matter how far separated in time and space } they were in reality. } ... } 94. Mr Sorbo is not to be referred to as "the big nancy". } } That enough to be going on with? } } You owe the Oracle a little work on your question construction. } And your grovelling.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       If the Oracle is truly an all-powerful, omniscient being who > answers questions from all over the world for all, why is there such an > amazingly high percentage of computer-related questions in the > Oracularites?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are ten schools of thought on the subject. They're all wrong, but } you wouldn't be able to understand the real answer. } } 1. The Priests are androids. } 2. The Internet Oracle likes computer users and is more willing to }    answer their questions. } 3. Computers object to having non-computer-related questions e-mailed }    through them and substitute computer-related ones. } 4. People need more computer advice than other advice. } 5. There are two sets of Digests; the computer-related ones are on }    Usenet, the others are in Delphi. } 6. Non-computer-related questions get forwarded to the Amish Oracle, }    who has never once bothered to e-mail so much as an acknowledgement. } 7. The Internet Oracle gets a larger consultant's fee for }    computer-related questions. } 8. Only computer-related questions are truly questions; all others are }    anthropomorphisms. } 9. Wet steamy monkey sex. } A. Computers are funny. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of school of thought number 011.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most entrepreneurial Oracle, > > What do you get when you cross Microsoft and Apple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer lies within the question.  If you assemble the letters of } "Microsoft and Apple" in the correct order you will see what you get } when you cross them: } }       A lot of crap impends. } } You owe the Oracle a jumbo pack of Charmin.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > I have a passion for theoretical physics.  It is theorized that as > we continue discovering/man making elements, they will again become > stable.  The theorized element number when they will become stable > again is 115.  The only problem, to create element 115, you would > need to bombard element 114 with an infinite number of protons, > for an infinite amount of time, with an infinite amount of force. > The only place that 115 would be able to be produced therefore, would > be in a white dwarf, or near a black hole.  So theorizing that this > element could in fact exist, let's analyze the properties.  If such > a dense metal were to exist, it could have many uses.  First of all, > if you were to take element 115 and create a reactor that could pelt > it with protons (much less needed in this process), it would become > unstable element 116, thus.  It is theorized that this process would > first create anti matter, and also as a bi-product create gravity > waves.  The anti-matter created could react with the left-over matter, > which would create a HUGE electrical reaction, causing mass amounts > of electricity to be given off, able to be harnessed for the use of > powering electrical equipment.  After that reaction, the anti-matter > and matter would essentially cancel each other out (assuming this > reaction took place in a vaccum), thus leaving only gravity waves. > This would be a 100% efficient reaction, and source of energy. > The gravity waves could be tapped off, and amplified, thus creating > a gravity field around a ship.  This could allow your vehicle to > literally "fall" any direction you want, harnessing Gravity A waves, > instead of the much weaker Gravity B waves that the earth utilizes. > Being able to go against earth's gravity as if it didn't exist would > open up a whole new world of travel, including inter-stellar space. > Why do I say that?  Because Gravity can distort time & space. > So instead of travelling linearly, you completely by-pass Einstein's > law of velocity (not being able to travel greater than the speed of > light), because you would be not travelling towards something, yet > you could have your gravity waves pull something to YOU, and then > once you bring it to you, you snap back to it's original location. > A good diagram of this is to put a piece latex on a table, and > put one button on one end, and another button on the other end. > Pinch the bottom of the rubber near the first button (which could be a > planet), and pull it to the 2nd button (which could be your vehicle). > Finally, release, and the "planet" goes back into place, and brings > the 'vehicle' with it.  Your speed would be infinite, because you > wouldn't really have a speed.  This concept is very outrageous, and > possibly sounds insane.  However, physics says that it IS possible, > given the right conditions, such as the element 115, and making sure > it has these properties.  My question to you however, is could you > please give me blueprints and specific instructions on how to create > the reactor necessary for the 115 to be converted into element 116, > causing the release of anti-matter and gravity waves? > > Thank you SO much, > Supplicant #644a33312lmnop4146

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the major hazards of space travel is those pesky clouds of } an infinite number of protons you find near white dwarfs. Finally, } someone's found a use for them! Good for you. } } <The Oracle picks up a jar labelled "Centoquindecium" and } absent-mindedly stirs some into his coffee> } } Now, you're looking to leapfrog 100-150 years ahead of current science. } One of the hazards of this is that you just won't have the support } infrastructure in place. Sure, I can give you the plans, but where are } you going to get a gluon compresser? Or a plasma de-linker? And those } are just the little things. There are two new branches of Structural } Engineering required to stop your electricity generator shooting } off at right-angles to the local gravity, and you need a thorough } grounding in Tachyon Physics to stop it travelling backwards in time. } Of course, you never get rid of all the centosextadecium (there's no } such thing as a 100% efficient reaction, a free lunch or an accurate } economist), so you need a Waste Disposal technology several orders } of magnitude better than the ones you have now. Unless, of course, } you want the local wildlife to grow to 100 times normal size and head } for downtown Tokyo. } } In summary, I think you'd be better off forgetting about building } this reactor, and try increasing your medication instead. } } You owe the Oracle a non-dairy creamer better than centoquindecium.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the most beautiful thing about an accordion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Judy Tenuta playing it.  "Worship me, pigs!"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Here is my PGP public key block: > > KAS(DOIASJKD*A*SDA*SDHAJFHAGFAHFTA&FYAT > AHSDFTA&ISDFYADFYAUSDFYUAUf > > WHY, please, why ?!?!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want to know how your PGP key is worked out? That's confidential } company information. } } On the other hand, I do it all the time with Microsoft and I really } shouldn't play favourites... } } It actually contains a variety of personal information about you, } which the makers of PGP can use in their plot to take over the world } (oops, I think that part was supposed to be secret too). } Here's how it breaks down: } } > KAS(DO } Your Credit Card Number (encrypted). } } > IA } You are currently under investigation by Internal Affairs. } } > SJ } GURPS Game system information found on hard drive. } } > KD*A* } The CD-ROM drive contains a kd lang CD. It's a good one, though. } } > SD } Severely Disturbed. Based on your JPG collection. } } > A*S } You have that annoying habit of using asterisks to hide dirty words. } } >DHA } Downloaded Humour Archives. You have over 2Mb of copyrighted } humour material on your hard drive. } } > J } Your physical attractiveness, on a scale from A-J. Sorry about that. } } > FHAG } Flames Horribly and Grins. Insults people on Usenet and thinks } putting a smiley at the end makes it alright. } } > FAHFTA&FYATA } The codenames of your Iraqi spymasters. } } >HSDF } Your modified Myers Briggs personality indicators (using PGP's } special system) } } > TA&IS } Your hobbies and interests. Tits'n'Ass and Information Systems. } } > DFYA } Done First Year Again - indicating those problems you had at } college. } } > DFYA } Wow! You really struggled! } } > USDF } What your personality indicators would be if you underwent } extensive therapy. Not much change, really. } } > YUAU } The number of articles read from alt.sex.fetish.hamsters.duct-tape. } That's an impressive total... } } > f } Check Digit. } } You owe the Oracle your private PGP key, where they keep all the } _real_ dirt.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my email working?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at the moment.  It's playing. } } You owe the Oracle time and a half.