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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear great, holy, magnificent Oracle, to whom I owe a great debt of > gratitude for the advice you gave to me last time, please answer my > question that has been bothering me lately. > > I am a spy for the Canadian spy agency CSIS. Recently, intelligence > reported the advance of certain deadly technologies being developed in > Iraq. The synopsis is that the Iraqi army has fully developed a weapon > capable of bringing mass starvation to millions in North America. > > I have been assigned the mission of going over to Iraq and destroying > this dastardly device. I am only able to bring some binder twine and 55 > ml of water, as the plane flying me there will already be severly > overloaded. I am unsure of how to penetrate the Iraqi fortress, and > subsequently destroy the weapon. Should I try the reknowned Beauford > Method? (I will not bother to elaborate upon this secretive method, as > I am sure that one of your Omniscient abilities must find this practise > horrendously primitive in nature, although it impresses most of us mere > mortals.). Or should I perhaps go with a less conventional method, ie. > convincing the Iraqi army to somehow use the weapon upon themselves in > a sort of mass suicide pact? Please help me with a plan of action. > > Oh yes, by the way, I do have a partner, however I cannot tell you who > it is, as this mission is highly classified. > > Yours truly, > > EDWARD D. BLAPNOST, > CSIS Agent and super-spy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Edward, due to the extreme nature of your situation, I have consulted } the McGuyver Handbook of Survival in Hostile Territory.  You have } obviously misplaced yours.  Let me see here... Hmmm... this might not } be as difficult as you think.  Alright, I think I have a plan. } } A)  To penetrate the Iraqi fortress you must approach the back door }     (you know the one) and ascertain which guard is on duty.  It will }     be one of two guards, Slaboo or Guido.  If it is Guido, tell him I }     sent you (he owes me).  If it is Slaboo, tell him your container }     holding 55ml of water is a new nerve toxin you wish to sell. }     After you have his attention, strangle him with the binder twine. }     You're in. } } B)  Locate (if your intelligence hasn't already provided you with the }     information) the device.  Drink your 55ml of water, then urinate }     on the device.  This is considered sacrilegious to Iraqis and they }     will no longer be able to use the device for fear of reprisals from }     Allah. } } C)  If you are smart, you will have figured out what to do with your }     twine to effect your escape unnoticed.  If not, ask your partner, }     s/he owes me too. } } You owe the Oracle one Iraqi Big Mac[tm].

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle full of life, whose nits I am unworthy to pick, > tell me please, > > How can I rid myself of this unhealthy preoccupation with trilobites?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like you, supplicant, trilobites are extinct marine animals which lived } gazillions of years ago.  Of course this was several reincarnations } ago. }  Your unhealthy preoccupation derives from your inability to accept } your trilobite heritage.  Noted trilobitologist, Prof. George W. Hart } once said, "real trilobites may or may not have tasted like chicken." } Therefore, I recommend you get in touch with your inner trilobite by } making some of Prof. Hart's (almost) famous Trilobite Cookies.  You can } his recipe at http://www.li.net/~george/trilobites/trilobite.html } Have fun and remember this Trilobite Maxim:  We all die; have fun! } } You owe the Oracle a care package of trilobite cookies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose teeth are as pearly white as the soft, naked rump of a > newborn polar bear: > > Do you know the muffin man?  The muffin man?  The muffin man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you trying to butter me up? } } Ok, ok... I /knew/ a Muffin Man once. } He lived on Drury Lane. } } Use to always rise to the occasion. Had a wit sharp } as a breadknife. } } Unfortunatly, he got a bit nutty. Went bananas, you } might say. Took to loafing about. Put on a few pounds. } Moved away from the Parkerhouse. That crumb just seemed } to dissapear. } } Read a while ago he was arrested for running about } naked shouting something like, "I'm self-rising! } I'm self-rising!" } } Sad, really. } } You owe the Oracle some cream cheese. } (Which has less fat than baby polarbears and is just as white.)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, film critic to the gods. Oh ye who could > sit through a John Agar film festival and remain > awake and interested, I beg of you an answer to my > question. > > I just got back from watching _Event_Horizon_, and > boy are my eyes tired.  I was monumentally unimpressed. > It's not that I don't like _generic_climax_no._17_, > it's just that I've seen it three times this week > already.  Anyway, in the movie that guy from Jurassic > Park calls _The_Big_Scary_Thing_We_Run_From_ > (tm, Ed Wood) "pure evil". > > "Pure Evil"?  That's a little silly, isn't it?  I mean, > have you ever even seen concentrated evil?  Refined and > processed evil?  Pure evil is so cliche, but I have > never once heard anyone say: > "It's 78 percent evil!" > or > "Well, it's mostly evil, but it's also got some nasty >  bits that look like bratwurst." > "The sausage?" > "Yes, we're not sure what it is, but we're pretty certain >  that it's not evil." > "Well, that's good." > "Now this gooey stuff, here, that's evil." > "Awful lot of it, isn't there?" > > Well anyway, my question to you is this:  Is there anything > that really exists that really is pure evil?  And if it's > 78 percent evil, is that by weight or volume?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sci-fi Jockey of fury: } } Evil. Well. Interesting. To tell the truth, I have never really } considered the question of evil. Too bad I'm not a magic 8-ball. "The } Answer eludes me. Ask later." } } Ahem. Well now. To answer your question, we must first look at the } nature of evil itself. "What is evil?", is a question mortals have } pondered for endless centuries. "I mean, is Ted Kennedy REALLY evil, or } just a bit of a booze-hound??" "What about Elvis? Is a man who makes } more money dead than alive evil, or just a bit silly in nature??" } } Well, child, ask no more. For evil DOES in fact exist in a pure form. } It is manufactured by Hershey Inc., and comes in the form of a spray } can bearing the insideous label "PURE EVIL IN A CAN". It comes in both } 250 ml and 550 ml sizes, and has a handy applicator. It states that } spreading evil around has never been easier, and more fun! In fact, } this wise and benevolent Oracle saw an infomercial just the other day. } You get PURE EVIL IN A CAN for only $29.95! And for only $10.00 more, } you get a second can! WHAT VALUE!! } } Evil, however, must be sold by weight, not volume. Due to an F.D.A } ruling just last year, it is unlawful for evil to be marketed in any } other way. Some neo-nazis were apparently having a hoe-down (or } whatever it is that neo-nazis partake in), and tried to pass 7.5 kg of } evil off as 22 kgs, simply by inflating the evil somewhat. This is } UNFAIR TRADE PRACTICES, and "Will not be tolerated" in the words of } labour minister Dr. Harold Pickering. Remeber though, some settling may } occur during shipping. } } Anyways, the guy from the movie, "Event horizon" was apparently a bit } shaken after being chased aroung by large lizards, which is } understandable. In many situations such as this, old cliches are } utilized. Perhaps he should have looked before he leaped. Then again, } you should never look a gift horse in the mouth. } } Well, I certainly hope that I have been of some assistance. For } additional information send 6 pounds of backbacon to: } } The Salvation Army's "Creation of Evil" division; } 4548 Damnation Dr. SE } New York, NY } 1548613 } } This is a worthy charity dedicated to providing evil, free of charge, } to children who might not otherwise have a chance to experience it. } } You owe the oracle some deep-fried battered evil and 2 tickets to see } "Event horizon". } } Finis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You looking for import-export businnes ? > i am in Switzerland. give me your email.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your kind offer, supplicant, but I'm already on the board } of directors of a little import/export business started by my old } friend Hermes, Messenger of the Gods.  We offer one-hour delivery } anywhere on the earth, above, or under it.  Everything we sell is } duty-free. (Who would dare to tax the Gods?)  We specialize in those } hard-to-get items, such as Cuban Cigars, African Rhinocerous Horn[*], } and Persian Heroin[**]. } } I'm afraid we don't get much call for chocolate or watches or even } those nifty little multi-purpose pocket knives.  On the other hand, we } will have an order coming in soon (I know these things -- I'm the } Oracle) for a large quantity of gold.  Yahoowah needs to re-pave the } streets of his tacky little heaven again.  And our usual supplier, } Alberich, is a real pain to deal with, always going on about his stupid } ring, and how he could have been king, yadda, yadda.  So, if you could } have a megatonne ready to ship in exactly 27 hours, I imagine we could } do some business. } } You owe the Oracle a navy. } } [*]  No, we don't kill Rhinos, nor do we condone or support those who } kill them.  We grow our own Rhinocerous Horns.  On our own noses. } } [**]  Yes, heroin, no you can't have any.  We're Gods, we don't have } these little problems with addictions like you mortals do.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> void main(void) > { >     char *words_of_wisdom; > >     grovel(); >     grovel(); >     extra_grovel(); > >     send_tellme("oracle@cs.indiana.edu", >                 "How can you tell when you've been " >                 "programming in C for way too long?"); > >     do { >         write_code(); >         write_code(); >         get_coffee(); >         write_code(); >     } while (!check_mail("oracle@cs.indiana.edu", &words_of_wisdom)); > >     change_life_accordingly(words_of_wisdom); > }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} class Answerer } { }   public: }     const char* AnswerQuestion(ifstream& q); }   private: }     void NagSpelling(); }     void NagGrovel(); }     void Zot(long severity); }     void Void(toilet&); }     void RequestPayment(const char* YouOwe); }     ifstream& quest; } } } } char* AnswerQuestion(ifstream& q) } { }   if(GetNumber(q)==11454) }   { }     RequestPayment("An optimizer that doesn't fundamentally alter the " }                    "meaning of basic language constructs.";) }     return "Same way you know you've been programming in C++ for way }            "too long, but with less run-time overhead.\n"; }   } }   //... } }

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I you looking something in Switzerland, send me your e-mail

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (banjo music starts playing) } } Hey you boy, I say, what's that you say?  (spit)  I say, boy, you } askin' me if I be lookin' for somethin'?  (spits again)  I'll tell you } what Ah'm lookin for heah.  (thumbs in overalls).  Ah'm a 100% } red-blooded 'merican man, and Ah'm lookin' to eddicate the likes of you } in proper In-ter-net ett-i-cat.  So if you's listen up heah boy, you } see we heah 'mericans don't do like you fancy-dancy 'peans, askin' for } a girl's what's it called, ayee-mail?  We do it the old-fashioned way. } Buy her somethin' purdy.  They like those little flowers n' such, } petunias, n' they love 'em chocolates n' those purdy li'l sparklin' } dia-monds, like that fifty carrot one I bought fer my missus, bought it } fandaggled fer 25 bucks from a guy in a truck for half-price.  Take 'er } out to a good time.  Monster truck rally n' such.  Go fishin wid her r' } somethin'.  N' wash yer face boy.  No girl likes a durty boy.  But } don't be such a pansy or nuthin' either.  None of this doodly daddly } 'pean pretty boy, wearin' purfume n' such.  Woman likes a real man. } Buy a truck.  N' a gun.  N' a big dawg.  Yep.  (spits again).  You's } gots lots to lurn 'bout women, boy.  N' English too.  Even I know "I } you lookin' somethin'" ain't much of a phraseologic or nothin'. } } (walks away muttering "pansy 'pean, fandaggled email")

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle: (who knows more than Fred (I think)) > > Is the universe one vast Rube Goldberg device, and > how does it work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly, dear supplicant, it is not. Things would be much simpler that } way. For instance, wars wouldn't involve thousands of people dying } while trying to kill thousands of other people they don't even know. } Instead, wars would be fought as follows: } } Nation A wants to annex Nation B. } A builds a giant seesaw, C. } A invents invisible paint, D. } A sells a slightly defective communications satellite, E, to B (through } a third party of course). } A puts a cow, F, on one end of C. } A paints F with D. } A's head of state invites B's heaviest diplomat, G, to come play on C. } G sits on the C, launching F. } F hits E, causing it to explode. The bits of E rain down on B's } capital, killing off its entire government. } } See? Only B gets hurt. No muss, no fuss, no bother. } } You owe the Oracle, H, the recipe for D.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Responsable Oracle, please tell me: >       What's the meaning about: "Em terra de cego, quem tem um olho e >       caolho"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a message which would be in a Portuguese fortune cookie, if } Portuguese restaurants gave out fortune cookies. Here are some } translations of typical Portuguese fortunes: } }     You will soon seek riches, which will elude you. } }     I hope you didn't order the fish. } }     Avoid using power tools this week. } }     In matters of the heart, argue your point loudly. } }     Luck will follow you, like a fishing boat with a torn net. } }     Wear plenty of sunscreen. } }     You make friends easily. One of them will kill you. } }     Expect romance from an unlikely source. } }     The Surgeon General has determined that }     smoking is hazardous for your health. } }     Keep hands and feet from beneath mower. } }     On all the earth, no one really loves okra. } } Your fortune was that last one. } } You owe the Oracle the bacalhau.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose wisdom exceeds only your patience, > > what is "damning through faint praise"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are the most intelligent supplicant I know. } You owe the oracle a complimentary beverage.