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} Now, I haven't been asked an interesting question such as this one in a
} long while. Thanks go out to you from the Oracle, you obsequious
} smidgeon of blowfish shit.
}
} THEY ARE FAKE! Gumby and Pokey were NOT real! What the hell does it
} even matter what colour they were? Get a grip.
}
} In payment, you must submit yourself for psychiatric evaluation, and
} drink nineteen pints of motor oil. You must then construct a large
} high-rise apartment building, 412 cubits by 103 cubits by 1298 cubits.
} Then, place yourself in the centre of the nearest major roadway, and run
} at 67 furlongs per fortnight for a period of 11 days. Turn right, and
} strike the nearest person with a fish or large bird. Jump on the spot
} and flap your arms, while making chicken noises. You are then required
} to sing "The Ballad of the Eggplant Invasion" (see Oracle back issues)
} three times backwards with full orchestrations and in five part
} harmonies.
}
} Rest for exactly 4 seconds. Not 5, not 3, excepting that you then
} proceed to 4.
}
} Remove whatever you are wearing on your feet, and eat those items. Give
} yourself a hickey on your right knee. Another. Another. Another.
} Join the Alice's Restaurant Massacree Movement. Become their leader,
} and claim the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Dearborn, Michigan in the name of
} Allah. You may not use firearms. You may use VW Microbuses, and one
} half-ton of garbage.
}
} Inhale. Enjoy this air, because you must now stop breathing until the
} end of this list of tasks is reached. The colours your skin will become
} reveal your personality and the content of your blood, but that's
} another story.
}
} Now, on with the fun part. Obtain a meat thermometer using any means
} you select. Place it in your ear, and push until it will go no further.
} Turn your body until you are facing the nearest immobile, solid object.
} Run. Faster. Faster. Faster. Run until you have impacted. Remove
} and eat the meat thermometer. Strike your head upon the solid object
} until Marlon Brando appears in front of you and says "green eggs and
} ham" or something to that effect. He will polymorph into Dan Quayle.
} He will begin to babble pointlessly, and to no end. Shut him up by
} offering him a borscht-flavoured ice-cream cone, telling him it's at a
} store down the street. You will witness near-light-speed travel in his
} reaction, as he heads for the store.
}
} Get on a bus to the Bronx. Get out, and start asking people on the
} street where you might find Mr. Kotter. This will get you various
} strange looks. Mimic all of them back at the passersby.
}
} Go back to your hometown. Install a subway system, running from your
} backyard to the nearest swimming pool. Declare loudly that 2+2=5, and
} that nobody can tell you different. Coin the phrase "Pretty as an
} airport", and force it into general use by your peers, who are no longer
} your peers, since they are now thoroughly convinced that you have been
} messing around with your home lobotomy kit again.
}
} Buy a chemistry set. Invent a new substance which can be used as
} shampoo, salad dressing, motor oil, rocket fuel, soft drink, laxative,
} paperweight, floppy disk, photographic film, writing ink, or
} prophylactic. Eat it. Rub it all over yourself.
}
} Run to a toy store. Name each and every Care Bear. Failure to do so
} will result in you having to lick the floors clean. Assign a
} personality to each stuffed item in the store. Initiate a debate among
} them about polydimensional calculus, in which you prove that Einstein
} was a homosexual.
}
} Pick up a phone. Dial 911, and tell the operator that there is some
} half-naked lunatic coated in some weird ooze with foot odour on his
} breath debating higher mathematics among the stuffed toys, and he's
} scaring off the customers. Tell her that even though there is now
} general panic, there is also a nice, sparkling floor. Tell her to send
} the psychiatric people over immediately.
}
} When the men in white arrive, do not resist, but greet them with a weird
} salute and tell hem you are Zarton from Saturn.
}
} Have a pleasant stay at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, home for the
} flamboyantly insane. And don't ever bother me again.
}
} The Oracle has spoken. So there.
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