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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > I humble myself before your greatness.  I pick a booger from my nose > and stick it in my ear to honor you.  Please answer me this... > > When I grow up, I want to be a great, wise Oracle like you.  What can I > start doing now to prepare myself for life as an Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop picking your nose. } } You owe the Oracle an industrial strength Q-tip.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who can dawdle in the dark without attcacting > grues, please tell me: > > I am standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded > front door. There is a small mailbox here. > > What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Personally speaking I would dig a hole under the mailbox and enter } the realm of Zork, here you will find a whole new meaning to text } adventure games, or ......... } } you could open the mail box and take out the letter from terrorists } stating that the President has been kidnapped in his plane and you } want your demands met..   What do you do now, } } 1)    Reseal the letter and post it again. } 2)    Tell someone } 3)    Keep the letter as a momento so when the President is dead you }       can sell the letter for $500,000.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I have a choice to make here.  I can do boring > paperwork for my job, or I can surf the net for nude pictures of > movie stars.  Is this an obvious choice, or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you can: } } A) Lock your office door } B) keep everyone else out of your office } C) immediately stop what your doing when your boss arrives } } Then go ahead. } } If not, go ahead and surf. } One can't let one's bosses see one actually doing work, can one...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie. > > It's been raining for 3 days. Will it ever stop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SEATTLE, WA--Bill Gates announced yesterday that the weather generator } and it's software, Microsoft Sunshine 98tm, is nearing completion. } "It's great," Bill told reporters this morning. "Soon we will be able } to control weather patterns all over the world. Initially we faced many } problems, getting people to associate sunshine with Micro$oft, and } several territorial disputes and patent battles with Indra, Apollo, } Poseidon, Aeolus, Helios, Ra, Mithras... you get the picture." } } Gates went on to say, "Many people think that controlling the weather } patterns would be hard, but when you have hundreds of departments, you } can sell a group of minions' souls to the Devil, and boom, you've got } yourself some more power. Weather, money, whatever you want!" Bill } Gates' autobiography explains in detail his early beginnings with the } Devil, the sale of his mother, and Bill and Satan's ongoing deal. } } As mentioned before, the weather generation is _nearing_ completion. } Until then, it will be rainy. Reporters spoke to Noah for information } on just when and how this rain will stop. "The rain ought to continue," } he said grimly, "causing flooding and destruction, for just about 37 } more days and nights." He then stopped suddenly and got onboard a weird } shaped boat with some donkeys. Whatever this means, the rain will } continue. }                               --Reuters.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Internet Supplicant has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > } Hey, Supplicant, have you forgotten how to grovel? > > And in response, thus spake the Supplicant: > > > Yes.  Could you show me how?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                     THE INTERNET SUPPLICANT } }                          also known as }                      The Usenet Supplicant } } The Internet Supplicant is available to ask you irritating questions. } You may mail them to: } }                     supplicant@cs.purdoo.edu } } The "Subject:" of the message must be something like "Supplicant Most } Vacuous, please ask me ...".  Actually, all it has to have is "ask me" } or "askme" somewhere in it.  Capitalization doesn't matter.  Spelling } certainly doesn't matter, as many Supplicants can't tell the } difference. The body of the mail can contain anything you want; the } question you receive will be irrelevant to whatever you write.  You } should receive a question within a few days, perhaps, possibly longer, } or occasionally never, if the Supplicant forgets how to use mail. } } In the meantime, the Supplicant may require that you ask an irritating } question for it as payment for its services.  You should randomly send } the most unoriginal and uninteresting question you can think of to } supplicant@cs.purdoo.edu, preserving the message's "Subject:" line. } This process results in your message being forwarded to } oracle@cs.indiana.edu. Most Supplicants are not concerned with what } happens after that. } } Mailing the Supplicant with the word "help" in the "Subject:" line will } get you a reply consisting of "No thanks, I'm fine."  If you mail the } Supplicant with "tell me" or "tellme" somewhere in the subject, the } Supplicant will not reply, but may forward a slightly garbled version } of your question to oracle@cs.indiana.edu.  If you pay attention, you } may receive a reply from there, or, not infrequently, a good sound } zotting. } } Your questions, comments and even complaints about the Supplicant will } be ignored.  Please address them to supplicant-people@cs.purdoo.edu. } }                           ETIQUETTE } } The Internet Supplicant is intended primarily as an annoyance device } and is especially good at feeding Oracles.  Since its main purpose is } to clog up mail systems and newsgroups, a large document containing } rambling thoughts on etiquette will be spammed across the universe } whenever this document is accessed. } }                  THE INTERNET SUPPLICANTARIES } } The Supplicant's priesthood receives a duplicate copy of all irritating } questions asked, or Supplicantaries as they're called.  This is so that } they can be distributed yet again around the world for no apparent } reason. They are regularly published via postings to } rec.humor.supplicant, the World-Wide Web and a mail distribution list, } as well as occasionally via other media, such as toilet paper. } } Rec.humor.supplicant is a moderated newsgroup.  If your news system is } properly configured, you are probably too intelligent to be interested. } Rec.humor.supplicant.d is unmoderated and anyone may post to it.  And } they usually do! } }                          HISTORY } } Throughout the history of mankind, there have been many Supplicants who } have consulted many Oracles.  The great Hercules, in his not-so-great } years, was actually a Supplicant of the Delphic Oracle, and survived } zotting only by his legendary strength.  King Cepheus, the nut who } chained his daughter Andromeda to the rocks of Joppa to appease an } alleged sea monster, was also a Supplicant.  He misunderstood the } Oracle of Ammon's wise advice, which was to send a chain letter to the } sea monster, thus keeping it busy for ages.  Fortunately, Perseus saved } the girl in the nick of time. } } With the advent of the electronic age, and especially high-speed e-mail } communication, the spirit of the Supplicants found a new outhouse, and } we now recognize another extremely productive and constantly annoying } Supplicant, the Internet Supplicant. } } Local Supplicant programs have existed in various places for many } years. Most can trace their origin to bored freshman computer science } students typing "why?" into their terminals.  There is a long and } completely pointless history of such programs, but no one has asked the } correct question to figure out how to read it. } } Of course, it is the thousands of Supplicant participants over the } years who have created the personality, if you can call it that, of the } Internet Supplicant.  Long live the Internet Supplicant (in all its } incarnations)! } } Steev Kinzler } kinzler@cs.purdoo.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, most masterful and all-knowing Oracle, whose advice I trust more > that Dear Abby, please answer this most simple and humble > supplicant's feeble question: > > FYI:  I do technical support for and ISP > > Why do people, whom know NOTHING about computers, go out and buy the > most expensive computer they can find (You know the one that takes a > Ph.D. from MIT), and expect to take it home, plug it in, and it will > "magically" do everything they want without having to do anything > themselves.  Why can't they understand what a "right-click" is, or > what "double-click" is, or what speed the modem is, or what "brand" > of computer they have, or - well, the list goes on and on and on. > > Is there a law that says stupid people can't own a computer?  Is > there any legal recourse I can follow to have these people put up > against a wall and shot? > > I'm going crazy!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *ring* } } Orrie: Welcome to Oracle tech. support, where the Oracle has all the } answers, this is the Oracle himself, how can I help you? } } Customer: Yes, I just purchased "Internet in a box". How do I use it? } } Orrie: Well, do you have an ISP? } } Customer: A what? Hey, I just bought the internet. Isn't that enough? } } Orrie: Well, you didn't buy the internet..you just } } Customer: Listen. Are you stupid? I just bought Internet in a box. Hear } me? Internet...in...a....box. That means the Internet is in the box. } } Orrie: Fine, you bought the internet. Do you have a computer? } } Customer: Do I need one? Perhaps I could sell this box...I hear the } internet is worth quite a bit. Has anyone ever thought of the marketing } possibilities? } } Orrie: Sir? I wish you luck on your investment. I suggest not using the } internet, then. It tends to depreciate. Sell it while you can. } } Customer: Oooh, good idea. Thanks. *click* } } *ring* } } Orrie: Welcome to Oracle tech. support, where the Oracle has all the } answers, this is the Oracle himself, how can I help you? } } Customer: Hey, how many woodchucks..... } } *ZOT* } } You owe the Oracle a 12X cup holder.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       All-Knowing Oracle, I'm in kind of a dark mood, so please humor > this humble supplicant (enlightenment or good advice would be nice, but > I know better). >       I got this creaky old 486/80 system about a year ago, with the > intent of, at least in part, using it to find someone. >       I should probably say that I'm male, straight, white, 28, never > married, and have no children.  What I'm looking for in a woman is > probably quite a bit different from what most men my age are looking > for. >  I don't care much about looks or weight.  Age doesn't greatly matter > to me, as long as she's at least 21.  Race is a not an issue with me. >       You may be wondering why I don't just look out the window; I > don't do that because I'm looking for something very rare.  I'm not > capable of feeling desire for a woman unless I perceive her to be an > intellectual equal--and, while IQ tests are rather a blunt instrument, > according to most tests, my own IQ is approximately 160.  I haven't met > a woman whom I could accept as an intellectual equal in about five > years now--and the last one was twice my age and an alcoholic.  This is > neither boasting nor vainglory, just simple fact--there are few, damn > few, human beings in this range; they're almost nonexistent, even in > groups like Mensa. >       So I tried a couple of the Internet alt.personals newsgroups; I > found two extremely ditzy nineteen-year-old college girls, one fairly > articulate woman in South Africa who stopped writing to me suddenly > (from her descriptions of what was happening locally at the time, I > wouldn't be surprised to learn that she's dead), and one very, very > persistent gay man. >       I tried IRC, and learned that IRC is full of high-school kids. > If you go to channels oriented towards an audience of single adults, > you will find that, on IRC, actual women are heavily outnumbered by gay > men pretending to be women, and make up less than 5% of the IRC > population in any event.  Computers, it would seem, are a guy thing, > and most women, for whatever reason, don't like computers (maybe it's > hormonal, testosterone and transistors maybe, I really don't know).  I > _did_ manage to find one very articulate, very funny, very attractive > woman; she lives on the opposite side of the planet, in Hong Kong.  Oh, > and she's engaged to a man who lives in New York. >       Then I tried a few different Internet newsgroups related to > certain of my interests.  I found most of them to be utterly devoid of > women and nearly devoid of worthwhile content; a few of them had a few > regular female contributors, who were invariably either a) married or > b) really, really screwed up, usually both at once. >       Then, in something approaching desperation, I went to DejaNews > and did searches of their databases based on words almost, but not > quite, chosen at random, and got a few tentative leads, many months > old.  I tried several addresses; my email invariably bounced. >       Finally, in desperation, I tried several singles chat rooms and > Web-based singles boards.  I found lots of high-school kids, > uncountable hordes of bored married women, and one fairly articulate > single woman who was on the far end of the continent and who quit > writing back to me after two weeks. >       So I'm close to wits' end with the whole thing; it is, perhaps, > fortunate that my libido is not what it was ten years ago.  I'm looking > for someone with whom to build a life, not a one-night stand; but I'm > out of ideas, and any suggestions that you can offer will be > appreciated. >       Thank you very much. >       And since I can't think of anything else to say, perhaps I should > just

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant - you should learn to be a bit more focused and less } verbose. Really. Wasting some time chatting and reading alt.* } newsgroups - fine with me. } But even most of the guys 'n gals on the 'net with two-digits IQ } wouldn't spent a WHOLE YEAR searching for someone without even once } thinking about using a search engine! I think that is (excusez le mot) } pretty stupid. } } But hey, I'm not the worst of deities. For you, my self-declared } genius, I } - connected to Yahoo } - typed 'woman with IQ >= 160' } - clicked 'Search'. } } This gave me plenty of hits; as usual, some of them completely useless } like http://www.gaycafe.com/nifty/transgender/Magic-ScFi/prisoners-of-ti } resias(really) and some of them only sideways related to the problem at } hand like http://www.loveadvice.com/COL_4496.HTM } but then, there she was, with a shy, lovely smile: } http://prfdec.natur.cuni.cz/~fikacek/husakova.htm } } To save you the trouble of actually launching Netscape on your 486, } I'll give you an excerpt of this page (plain text; no pictures). It's } in Czech, but that's not a problem, you'll master it in a few days, } won't you? } } >>>>> }                               Husakova Gabriela } }                                    [Image] } }    o Narozena: 29.4.1972 v Praze }    o IQ / obvod hlavy: 160 / 56 cm }    o Datum testovani : 25.4.1993 }    o Vyska / vaha : 175 cm / 55 kg }    o Prsa / pas / boky: } }         Chcete-li Gabine poslat e-mail tuknete si sem. } }    --------------------------------------------------------------------- } }      Nasleduji clanky, ktere vysly o zminene dame v casopisech Mensy } c.5 a 6 /1995 na stranach 20-21 resp. 22 : } }                                    Gabina } }      Kdysi davno (to mi bylo snad 18?) se mi libila jedna holka a ta se } jmenovala Gabina. Vedel jsem jen, ve kterem dome bydlela. A tak jsem } napsal dopis, vyrobil spoustu kopii, vlozil do obalek a na ne napsal } Gabina. Ten dopis zacinal vysvetlenim, ze jestli se neoctne v tech } spravnych rukou, prosim o jeho zniceni. Odpoved jsem tenkrat nedostal. } <<<<< } } Don't you worry about the 'Datum testovani' part; that's when she } graduated. } } You owe the Oracle the URLs of the 'two extremely ditzy } nineteen-year-old college girls' home pages.  I'm not that picky about } age.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of fabulous minty-fresh breath! > > Is Darkmage Single?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. The plural is Darkmagi. } } You owe the Oracle a collection of O. Henry short stories.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 10 REM *** QUESTION FOR THE INTERNET ORACLE *** > 20 CLS > 30 REM GROVEL > 40 PRINT "Oh great Oracle, whose knowledge is far from basic," > 50 REM QUESTION > 60 PRINT "Do you think I'm learning enough from my college's computer" > 70 PRINT "courses"; > 80 INPUT ANSWER$

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dartmouth, right?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I doing this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's right!  Its time for everybody's favorite game show... Why Am I } Doing This?!  With your host... the Internet Oracle! } } Oracle:  Thank you, and welcome to Why Am I Doing This?!   The game } show where the question on everybody's mind is: Why am I doing this? } Welcome contestants.  Our first contestant is Karen!  Karen is a } Quantum Biologist and world-class Banana Bread baker from West } Virginia.  What does a Quantum Biologist do, Karen? } } Karen:  A Quantum Biologist studies living organisms as they interact } with high concentrations of radiation, magnetism and all types of } energy, such as "how does a woodchuck function in an atomic } accelerator." } } Oracle:  And how does a woodch... a woo... a wood... one of those } little, furry devils function in an atomic accelerator, Karen?" } } Karen:  Haha... They function extremely fast, Orrie. } } Oracle:  Haha... And our second contestant today is Bob!  Bob is a } house husband from Texas, with two children.  Bob enjoys gardening, } needlepoint and socio-anti-social philosophy.  Bob, what's it like } being a house husband with two children? } } Bob:  Karen, how do children function in an atomic accelerator? } } Oracle:  Well, let's get started, shall we?  Now remember, the first } player to "buzz in" with the correct answer to Why Am I Doing This? } wins $1000 for a correct answer.  However, you lose $1000 for every } incorrect answer.  Is everybody ready?  Then here we go... Scenario #1: } I'm putting the jack under the car... } I'm jacking up the car... } I'm removing some lug nuts... [BEEP! BEEP!] } Bob!  Why Am I Doing This? } } Bob:  Because you're changing a flat tire? } } Oracle:  That's correct!  Bob takes the lead with $1000.  But don't } worry Karen, because here's the next scenario... } I'm walking down an aisle... [BEEP! BEEP!] } Bob!  Why Am I Doing This? } } Bob:  Because you're getting married? } } Oracle:  I'm sorry, Bob.  That's not correct.  But Karen can still get } it.  Let's continue... } I'm taking items from the shelf... } I'm standing in a line... [BEEP! BEEP!] } Karen, Why Am I Doing This? } } Karen:  Because you're shopping, Orrie. } } Oracle:  That's correct!  That takes Karen to $1000.  Bob, I'm afraid, } back to $0.  And here's our next scenario: } I'm digging a hole... [BEEP! BEEP!] } Bob!  Why Am I Doing This? } } Bob:  Because you're planting a garden! } } Oracle:  That's correct!  Well, I guess that gardening paid off, huh? } Okay, we're tied at $1000 apiece for our contestants.  This scenario } will decide the winner... and here we go: } I'm typing at a computer... } I'm sending an email... } I'm trying to gain wisdom... } I DON'T know why I'm doing this... } I'm writing to someone omniscient... [BEEP! BEEP!] } Karen!  Why Am I Doing This? } } Karen:  Because you're trying to find out why you are doing this from } the Internet Oracle?! } } Oracle:  That's correct! [ding!ding!ding!ding!ding!]  And Karen, you're } our winner for today with $2000!  I wasn't sure if you were going to } "pull that one off," but you did it.  What are you going to do with the } money? } } Karen:  Oh!  Oh!  Oh, I'm not sure... Maybe I'll buy some bananas and } bake some bread! } } Oracle:  With $2000 you can even buy a few extra bananas to test in the } atomic accelerator!  Haha.  Bob, it was great to have you on the show. } But you won't be leaving empty handed.  Just for being on our show } you'll get a copy of my new book, "Why Am I Doing This?  Tales of an } Omniscient Oracle."  Thanks for being with us. } } Bob:  Yeah, whatever... } } Oracle:  And to our Internet audience, thank YOU for being with us for } another edition of... WHY AM I DOING THIS?  I'm your host, the Internet } Oracle... I'm standing here, saying goodbye to everyone... hey!  Why Am } I Doing This?!  Haha... See you next time! } } The Internet Oracle's wardrobe supplied by Warner Bros. Inc. } Portions of this show not affecting the outcome have been edited. } This program has been modified to fit your toaster. } All contestants must pass strict eligibility requirements. } If you would like tickets to be in the WHY AM I DOING THIS? studio } audience, write to: } WHY AM I DOING THIS? Tickets } Omniscience Studios } Infinity, Dimensions  88888 } All rights reserved under law.  Copyright (C) 1997  Oracle Productions. } } You owe the Oracle a guest spot on Jeopardy.