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} Where do you people come *up* with these questions? I mean, really,
} just how boring must your day be for you to start wondering about
} Icelandic laundry techniques? This is just so weird...
}
} Well, a deal is a deal. You grovel and ask a question and I... hey,
} wait a minute... NO GROVEL! Why, I ought to...
}
} No, if I ZOT you, then I probably won't get around to finding out
} exactly how Icelanders really do their laundry and, frankly, I'm
} intrigued.
}
} Well, let's call in an expert.
}
} [POOF!]
}
} ORACLE: [with lots of reverb] Bjorn Steffansdoghttirsson, you have been
} summoned before the great Usenet Oracle to answer a question!
}
} BJORN: Ja, okay, sure...
}
} ORACLE: How do you do laundry?
}
} BJORN: [peers at the Oracle] How do I do vat?
}
} ORACLE: In a vat?
}
} BJORN: Vat in a vat?
}
} ORACLE: What?
}
} BJORN: Vat?
}
} ORACLE: No, not "vat", "what"!
}
} BJORN: Ja, dot's vat I say!
}
} ORACLE: [sighs. Leans over and presses a button on the desk marked
} "Icelandic Accent Filter"] Look, we just want to know about laundry in
} Iceland... Do you beat it against a rock? Boil it in those hot springs?
} Does the hot water make the clothes shrink?
}
} BJORN: I don't do laundry.
}
} ORACLE: Okay, so your *wife* does the laundry. What's her name? Helga
} Livssonsdoghttir? Something like that...
}
} BJORN: No, you don't understand. No one in Iceland does laundry.
}
} ORACLE: What? You mean, you go around in dirty clothes all the time?
}
} BJORN: Hell, no! What do you think we are? Slobs? No, after we wear a
} shirt for one day, we throw it away.
}
} ORACLE: But that's horribly wasteful! How can you afford to buy new
} clothes every day?
}
} BJORN: Oh, that's no problem. Everyone in Iceland is very rich.
}
} ORACLE: What do you mean, "rich"? You guys are perched on a small pile
} of rock on the edge of the Arctic Ocean. Basically, all you have is
} some small-scale sheep farming and cod fishing. How rich can you be?
}
} BJORN: Oh, screw the cod. For that matter, screw the...
}
} ORACLE: Watch it!
}
} BJORN: Okay, okay, just point that staff in another direction? All
} right? Okay, I shouldn't be telling you this, but... Do you remember
} that series of articles in the San Jose Mercury-News a while back,
} blaming the CIA for introducing crack cocaine into Los Angeles?
}
} ORACLE: Yeah...
}
} BJORN: And then the paper stopped running the articles and backed off
} from the story?
}
} ORACLE: Yeah...
}
} BJORN: Well, did you ever wonder why, even after the Medellin Cartel
} and the Cali Cartel were both broken up, the source of cocaine didn't
} dry up?
}
} ORACLE: Well, I thought that... Hey! Wait a minute! You don't mean...
}
} BJORN: Yeah. Right. The Reijkavik Cartel. Or, some call it, the "Cod
} Connection".
}
} ORACLE: "The Cod Connection"?
}
} BJORN: Sure! How do you think we smuggle the stuff into the States?
} Just think about it: All those cod dinners served every Friday night
} all across the United States! And do you think the U.S. Customs Service
} is going to go wading through five million tons of smelly fish to look
} for crack? Hell, no! It's a perfect set-up.
}
} ORACLE: I had no idea!
}
} BJORN: Of course not. That's the whole point! Who is going to suspect
} that the entire country of Iceland is a drug-smuggling ring? We're like
} Bhutan... small, a little exotic, friendly... and damned good at
} smuggling. Of course, not as good as the Bhutanese, but, then, their
} heroin-smuggling operation...
}
} ORACLE: Heroin? Bhutan?
}
} BJORN: Look at a map! They're just north of the Golden Triangle! What
} do you think they're going to smuggle? LSD? Naw, the Samoans have got
} *that* tied up! You don't want to mess with the Samoans!
}
} ORACLE: LSD! Why, you disgusting little man! All of these little
} countries are involved in the drug trade!
}
} BJORN: Not just drugs, Orrie. Yemen runs the football bookie operation,
} Madagascar deals in stolen credit cards, Latvia runs the best fencing
} operation for luxury car parts and Guyana... [laughs] *they've* got the
} protection racket down pat!
}
} ORACLE: How can you do this? This is horrible!
}
} BJORN: Look, Orrie, it's just business. The United States has millions
} of square miles of land. They have oil deposits, gold and silver mines,
} coal seams, a huge industrial base, a large population and a great
} communications and transportation network. What do the little countries
} like Honduras have? A few square miles of stinking jungle! And, of
} course, a really good blackmail operation... What we lack in natural
} resources, we make up for in a willingness to adapt. Think about it:
} Sicily is a small, barren rock in the middle of the Mediterranian Sea.
} They've got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. And yet, for a century they ran
} most of the rackets in Europe *and* America! The other small countries
} of the world took notice and slowly, over the years, we've moved into
} the same, uh, field. It's a natural! And, of course, Iceland is the
} best at this. We lead the other small countries!
}
} ORACLE: Why?
}
} BJORN: We're the decendants of Vikings, of course!
}
} ORACLE: Get out of here!
}
} [POOF!]
}
} Well, there you have it: Icelanders *don't* do laundry. Now, if you'll
} excuse me, I have to make a quick call to the Strategic Air Command.
}
} You owe the Oracle some ICBMs.
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