Goto:

948, 948-01, 948-02, 948-03, 948-04, 948-05, 948-06, 948-07, 948-08, 948-09, 948-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's an excellent source of dietary fiber. Ask Mikey, he likes it... } } You owe the Oracle 3 solid hours of grovelling, and the meaning of } Froot Loops.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, your worshipfulness, I am sorry to say it didn't work quite > like you said it would. > > Oh, sure, it started out fine -- but the leeches decided they'd > rather stick to me than to the ocelot, and I've got one hanging > from my forehead and it won't let go.  (I had a bit of trouble > with the acetylene torch earlier, so I can't even comb my hair > down over the leech to hide it; you should see the strange looks > people give me when I have to go out in public.)  And to top it > all off, the duct tape wouldn't stick, because I all of my > cookware is Teflon-coated. > > Any more ideas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh brother.  You've really gotten yourself into a mess. } } I said, while you're on vacation, stick to the beaches, avoid the } boss a lot, and if you can't, torture yourself with duct tape.  At } least you got the last thing right. } } You owe the Oracle a good inner-ear cleaning.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I go to Paris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only in April. It's a feeling no one can ever reprise. } }   You owe The Oracle a solo.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, you great, big, lovable lug, you, please tell me... > > Well, I did what you said, but things still aren't quite worked out. My > wife didn't like the live rat coat I got her (and, yes, I did what you > said and told her that wearing dead fur was inhumane). Her mother is > still angry at me for placing that ad in the Village Voice (although > I'm impressed at the number of telephone calls she's been getting; who > would thought that so many people would have a Janet Reno fetish). And, > finally, my sister has sworn out a warrant for my arrest, despite all > the effort I've taken to explain that the IRS *always* checks out these > anonymous reports before they start seizing houses and cars and things. > I mean, it was a *joke*, right? > > So, what else should I do to bring my family closer together?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, sheesh, there's just no pleasing some people, is there?  At } least they're all finally agreeing on something, *and* they're } all paying attention to you.  That was what you asked for; it's } not *my* fault you weren't more clear about what you wanted. } } But now you want to bring them closer together, too?  Okay. } } First, rent a building.  Remove the handle from the inside of the } front door.  Nail all other doors and windows closed. } } Send a letter to your wife, apologizing for the mistake.  Tell } her you've got a (dead) mink fur coat waiting for her.  Give her } the address of the building you rented, and tell her to be there } at precisely 7:15 PM. } } Call your mother-in-law.  Impersonate Robert Redford's voice, and } tell her that you've read the ad in the paper, and that you'll } give her a million dollars if she'll sleep with you.  Tell her } to be at the address of the building you rented, at precisely } 7:15 PM. } } Call your sister.  Tell her you're a police sargeant, and that } her brother has just been killed in a shoot-out with the police, } and that she's needed to identify the body.  Give her the address } of the building you rented, and ask her to be there at precisely } 7:15 PM. } } Hide in the alley across the street.  As soon as all three of } them have entered, engage the industrial-size trash compactor you } installed just inside the front door.  I guarantee that they'll } be closer than they've ever been before. } } You owe the Oracle a rubber hose, a vacuum pump, and a 55-gallon } drum of butter-flavored instant grits.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I do well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not quite. It's a little shallow, yet. } Keep digging. } } You owe the Oracle something Chinese, when you get back.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most wise, who taught Volta all about volts, and Mr. Ampere > about amps, and Mr. Farad about farads, and, oh, who can forget Mr. > Henry and Henries, > > Recently, I've begun to learn electronics.  I'm stuck on one question > in particular. > > What would the equivilant resistance be of a series-paralell circiut > that looked like this? > >            |----R1----|---R2---|----R3---| >            |    10k   |   2k   |    1k   | >         Va -          c1       c2        c3 >        10v -          | 1pf    | 2pf     | 3pf >            |          |        |         | >            -----------|--------|---------| > > Your humble Suplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, far be it from me to tell you what two consenting circuits do in } the privacy of the workshop, but this series-paralell stuff is a good } way to get hurt. Not that I can really judge. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation for the etymology of "daisy-chain" } that doesn't involve a porno flick.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Father, I have sinned.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey hey!  Do you mind?  The confessional is the next stall down! } Geez... } } You owe the Oracle a little privacy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > what are newsgroups and howdo i use them????????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Throughout history, people have constantly made attempts to make money } quickly, without much work. For years it was assumed the that only way } to make money is to actually work. Only recently, with the development } of high-level mathematics, a new technique has been found which enables } ANYONE to make heaps and heaps of gold. } Yes. You have heard right. Is is possible to make FIFTY THOUSAND } DOLLARS in just a few minutes time, with an initial investment of only } FIVE DOLLARS. It works great, and every person involved in it will earn } a very large amount of money. It has even been implemented as a } state-wide money producing technique in Albania, and they had to fake a } rebellion just so the rest of the world will not envy their newly-found } riches. } } So, "wheredo newsgroups fit in all of this??????", you are probably } wondering by now. The answer is simple. } } This amazing money-making technique was discovered by mathematicians, } working in universities. They decided to use the computer network } linking all the universities - The Internet - to move their discovery } from theory to practice. A new body inside the Internet has been } created - the USENET. The Usenet is a large "bulletin board" with many } folders. These folders are especially designed to accommodate messages } with the subjects of "GET RICH QUICK", "MAKE $50,000 IN 5 MINUTES" and } "MAKE MONEY FROM YOUR OWN HOME". These are the common names of the } money-making messages developed. The scientists then proceeded to use } the Usenet in order to pass these messages among themselves to } exponentially increase their gain of profits. } The reason that the Usenet was devided into so many newsgroups was that } they didn't want any single group to be filled with too many } money-making messages. } } To use the UseNet, simply obtain one of the money-making messages. You } can obtain one from any AOL or Hotmail user. Inside the message you } will have detailed information on how to access UseNet from your } favorite browser and how to post your message in at least 200 } newsgroups. } } You owe the Oracle a mail filter.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                     This question intentionally left blank

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, oui, ze classic example of ze futility of ze modern age. It is } almost Kantian in ze way it conveys sterility and emptiness, ze } lack of information in information systems. Language as anti- } language, meaning both nossing and everysing. Truly ze work of a } giant of modern writing. } } This answer intentionally Left Bank.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, there, Orrie, babe. > > Yes, you! > > *prod* Hello? > > Ah! THERE you are. > > <question mode> > Oh, Oracle, most wise, please tell me why two consecutive digests > contained the same question, with different answers. > > Many thanks! > </question mode>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because two answers are better than one! } Because two answers are better than one!