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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest Oracle, whose wealth of knowledge knows no bounds, I have a > strange question that could use your guidance. >       I am the creator of the comic strip Pet Peeves, and I am a friend > of Vic Lee, the creator of I Need Help.  I have this little way of > honoring the cartoonists who have had an impact on my life by using > pictures from the backgrounds of their comics in mine.  I Need Help > always uses the same picture of a cow in the background, which Vic says > is his "understated ode to The Far Side".  So we know it has appeared > in Pet Peeves, and I Need Help. >       Then, a month later, I was looking at Far Side cartoons, and saw > the SAME PICTURE in there.  I told Vic about it, and he didn't even > know. >       That was odd enough, but now I have found out it is even older > than THAT.  I was looking through a book of Ancient Egyptian art, and > the SAME PICTURE was in the background of a mural created thousands of > years ago. >       So what is up with this cow picture?  Why has it appeared in so > many plaes, by artists who didn't even know it?  And has it appeared > elsewhere?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yowza!  I've had to answer college freshmen's questions about the } ubiquity of dead sheep in French literature for far too long, and now } you give me cow pictures.  Honestly, supplicant, the symbolism you } mortals are so concerned with baffles me.  Sometimes a cigar is just a } cigar; likewise a cow is often just a vacuous cud-chewing potential } hamburger and maybe a nice pair of boots. } } Okay, maybe for the Egyptians the cow was symbolic; it was a symbol } that they were about to eat until they puked.  I mean you eat lentils } and chickpeas all year 'round a little red meat can be kinda rich, } knowhudimean? } } Well all right, symbolism has been discarded.  Now, cow pictures } beyond symbolism: is there any meaning to this?  That is, this } fixation on cows could have some cosmic significance.  Perhaps you, } Larson, your pal Lee and the Egyptians have some weird connection that } will either enlighten the world to the ancient mysteries or possibly } send us all into distant depths of madness.  Perhaps the Pyramids } weren't built just to sharpen razor blades.  Could be. } } You could just chalk it all up to the Infinite Lattice O' Coincidence. } Or perhaps the Fundamental Inter-connectedness of All Things (tm). } Whatever suits your fancy. } } Other than that, give or take a fatted calf or two, most cows are just } your garden variety cloven-hoofed ruminators, good at producing } flatulence and milk-shakes but not so strong on cosmic mysteries. } Even in comix. Or else you guys need to stop "borrowing" from each } other so much. } } You owe the Oracle a cartoon of himself slam-dunking a basketball.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Darling Oracle, > > Please help me. > > I'm being chased by this mythical creature, only I don't want to be. > How do I stop it ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dearest Supply-Wupply, } } Mythical creatures, eh? That used to be a pretty common problem a } couple of millennia ago,  not so much call for info on those, these } days. Let me dig out my notes. } } Oh dear. There seems to be rather a lot of advice, I'm afraid. Let's } take a look at some of these. } } "Don't try and fight it, take off all your clothes, lie back and enjoy } the experience". } Hmmm, well that might work well enough if it's an Incubus or Succubus, } but no use at all if you're facing the dreaded double-deccubus. No, } come to think of it, it'll stop your underwear getting stained. } Probably not what you're after though. } } Here's another one: "Find the part of the underbelly that doesn't have } a jewel encrusted upon it, then fire an arrow at the exact spot". } Heaven alone knows what beast this is supposed to kill. The barbarous } Barbara Cartland monster, I suspect. } } What else have we got. Stuff it inside a lamp? Tricky... Put on a } blindfold so it thinks it can't see you? Risky...There's something } here about some vicious flying women from the north, blaring out } Wagner, but I think that may have got cross-seeded with the } how-to-write-a-Coppolla-movie oracularity. } } OK, here goes. I've combined the better looking advice into an easy to } follow recipe. }  You'll need: } } 1 fire brand, } 1 large ball of twine, } Some fishing nets, } 1 sharp weapon made of silver, } 1 sling } 3 small stones, } 1 12 oz Stake } Garlic, to taste } } Pre-heat your brand to 260 degrees Celsius (gas mark 8) } } Making sure you don't meet  the mythical creature's gaze, use your } sling to fire a small stone at its single eye, and when it is blinded } use your fishing nets to bring it to the ground. } After it has fallen, drive a stake through its heart, and decapitate } it with your silver blade, branding the stump of the head after you've } cut it off. Once it's dead, take it's head, and gallumph back the way } you came, following the trail of string you remembered to leave on the } way. } } There. Easy. } } You owe the Oracle the head you brought back. } } No... second thoughts you can keep it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me you sexy wee lassie, > > what're you wearing underneath all that finery ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While I don't quite know how to take being called a small collie dog, } I'll tell you. } } Of course, the traditional garb of any self-respecting oracle is a } flowing white robe. There has always been much speculation as to what } is worn underneath. Guesses have ranged from "nothing" to "a nice tweed } blazer" to "a kilt" (although that last one just leads to more } questions). } } But the truth can be summed up in one word: WonderJock. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to keep your "Staff of ZOT" jokes to } yourself.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the solution to spam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Probably 1 part SPAM to two parts HCl (hydrochloric acid). } } You owe the Oracle the solution to Barney the Dinosaur.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh, ok once again.  Listen closely this time. } } First, you take the paper and hold it over an open flame.  A candle } will do.  Don't get the paper too close to the flame; you're just } trying to warm it gently not set fire to your house. } } After a few seconds, the lemon juice will start to turn brown and you } can read the message. } } Now you can send messages in "invisible ink" to all of your friends! } } You owe the Oracle a lemon juice cartridge for my inkjet printer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie > > If I said you had a beautiful body, > would you hold it against me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Such cheek.  So, what's a Supplicant like you doing in a place like } this? } } No, I don't come here very often myself.  Occasionally, just } to get away from it all after a hard day's work.  You know. } } For a living?  Well, it's difficult to explain.  You see, people } ask me questions -- mostly about woodchucks, as it happens -- and } I answer them. } } No, no it's not my first drink, actually.  Why do you ask? } } Thanks, I'd love another one.  So, what do you do? } } You ASK woodchuck questions?  Well, that's quite a coincidence, } isn't--  oh, I see, that's, uh, that's very funny.  You had me } going for a minute there. } } Sure, one more.  But that's my limit.  Two more and I'd be under } the table.  Three and I'd be under the host. } } No, you see: I gave HER that line.  That's how it works, it's what } I do. } } Yes, quite a few years ago.  I'm a bit older than I look, to be } honest. } } Older than that, even.  I'd really rather not go into it.  Look, do } you want to go back to my place? } } Great.  By the way, what did you say your name was? } } That's a nice name.  Lisa.  It rolls off the tongue. } } [And the rest is history.] } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Portable Dorothy Parker.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one who certainly doesn't need assistance but for those menial > office chores of sorting and such... > > Tell me about those priest fellows who work for you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *sniffle* } *sniffle* } } Whoa! You think just cutting them up is bad? Even thinking about } minions makes me cry. } } You owe the Oracle a large order of McMinion Rings.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do you come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Prepositionland is where I come from.  It's a place I'm very proud of. } The people are nice and the families are large--there are lots of } children to play with.  But that's probably not all you want to hear } about. } } The scenery is gorgeous; it's the kind of beauty I go for.  The trees, } after all, are healthy throughout.  This makes them very old, and very } fun to play in.  The terrain is rather rugged, and tiring to climb on. } However, this makes for many lovely scenes to look at.  The especially } dramatic cliffs (which many of the trees rest upon) are breathtakingly } steep, and would probably kill you if you jumped off.  Fortunately, the } health care in Prepositionland is wonderful, and if you survived, they } could probably heal you up.  If you didn't, well, they could always } wheel you away. } } So, why don't you stop by?  Or at least drive through.  I'm sure that } all the Prepositionateers would love to have you drop in. } } You owe the Oracle a more grammatically correct question to give the } answer to.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who deserves many more grovels than are delivered, > > Where did the phrase "keyed up" originate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, "keyed up" now carries connotations of excitement, energy, } and enthusiasm beyond reasonable levels.  A little known fact is that } the meaning carries over from the original design of the computer } keyboard.  In 1695, the great Polish mathematician Dr. Wilhelm } Gatschezky created several prototypes of a computational machine he } called "Calculus 95".  One of his sources of trouble was the design of } what we would now call the input mechanism.  Early experiments with } mice resulted only in bites, disease, and an embarrassing overrun of } the cheese budget.  A stained glass "Touchenzeskreene" proved too } fragile.  Finally, borrowing concepts from Gutenberg's printing press } and Marco Polo's trips to the Orient, Gatschezky invented a set of } "keys" which could be depressed to set the machine's gears correctly. } After several attempts, the optimal combination of comfort and } responsiveness was attained by forming the keys from compressed opiate } powder. } } For a brief time, Gatschezky's invention functioned brilliantly, but } the machine's results were never published coherently.  His } contemporaries recorded his sad propensity for working on the machine } at all hours of the day and night, his hands flying furiously over the } keys.  He would often be seen wandering about the university licking } his fingers and snorting, loudly proclaiming the outrageous benefits of } the next version of his machine.  As you might suppose, Gatschezky's } state began to be known as "keyed up", and very little attention was } paid to him. } } The whereabouts of Gatschezky's machines and writings are unknown } today, and what success he might have had with later efforts is } uncertain.  At least the legacy of the phrase "keyed up", coined in his } honor, is alive and well in many of the marketing efforts we see today. } } You owe the Oracle an antidote for the "keyed up" marketeers of the } world.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, really wiser than the wisest of the wise, and wiser > still, your wisdom is really wise.  Please help me.  I want to write my > girlfriend something romantic.  Which programming language should I > use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question depends on which operating system your } girlfriend is running. } } For girlfriends running xlife, the obvious answer is 'c'.  You may be } tempted to use a shell script, but girlfriends are notoriously good at } sensing shallowness. } } If your girlfriend runs off LOS (Life Operating System), you should } look at using BASIC (Beginners All purpose Symbolic Intimacy Code). } The speed of love exchange will not be high, but this is unavoidable. } } Girlfriends running VMS (Very Mild Sensuality) tend to be a bit } old-fashioned, and will resist easy interface, but you can try COBOL } (Common Old Boring Old Love) } } If you happen to come accross a girlfriend running Life95, you should } be extremely careful.  Such a girlfriend may initially appear very } attractive, but you will find yourself being gradually sucked into a } vortex of failures and despair. } } Girlfriends running other operating systems do exist, but in this case } it is reccomended that you consult their user manual before operating. } Personal injury can occur if insufficient care is used. } } You owe the Oracle the latest version of LISA (Love In Sublime } Abundance)