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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh glorious Oracle...who can stop a breach in any warp > core without batting an eye.. please tell me: > > Exactly how many dimensions does this question pass > through before it finally reaches you and does it get > distorted in any way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No problem, the recipe for broiled pigs feet can be found on page 32 of } the book.  Thanks for asking. } } Betty Crocker

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > a deeply beloved from days long gone by has miraculously > returned into my life. A blissful event, I assure you! But > unfortunately, she seems to be scared by her dreams and > desires (and my own, for that matter). So much time has > passed, you see, and so many harsh words have fallen. How > should I proceed to win her heart back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bet her pancreas on 19-Red.  You'll win her heart and spleen in return. } By the way - tell her to remember in the future that her organ donor } card *doesn't* mean they can take them right away.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful, untunafishlike Oracle, > > Why was the CD audio standard created with allowances for both 5 inch > and 3 inch CDs?  There is no reason that I can fathom to use the 3 > inch rather than the 5 inch version, so why have it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Untunapianolike supplicant: } } Because 3-inch CD's look cool.  And it's much more important to look } cool than to be actually useful.  Take Windows-95 for instance... } } You owe the Oracle 3 inch CD that will mature in five years and pay at

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I WONDER IF YOU CAN ANSWER A QUESTION FOR ME. > WHY DO SOME STATES USE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME AND SOME DO NOT. > IS IT TRUE THE ARIZONA DOES NOT DO IT? > >  THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's take this one step at a time. } } > I WONDER IF YOU CAN ANSWER A QUESTION FOR ME. } } This isn't the best opener. . .a more complicated combo would have been } more appropriate for an omniscient being with a delicate ego.  I mean, } do you think your lack of faith in me is inspiring? } } > WHY DO SOME STATES USE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME AND SOME DO NOT. } } Daylight Savings Time?  Ah. . .you mean British Summer Time.  Silly } American. } } Anyway, in 1972, various influential Americans got together in order to } face a growing threat: you.  It was already obvious by then, O wormiest } of supplicants, that you, with your breathtakingly unbridled stupidity, } would cause the end of human existence if left unchecked.  So several } ingenious plans were devised to contain you. } } First of all, the Caps Lock key on any keyboard you touched would be } permanently enacted, so that everyone would have adequate warning as to } be able to flee before you caused them harm.  (I can safely handle your } drivel, but only because I'm immortal.) } } Second, you were never taught proper grammar.  This way, even if some } poor soul should happen to fall into your clutches, he or she would not } be able to understand your feeble attempts at communication, and not } absorb any of your "thoughts." } } Thirdly--and here we reach the crux of the issue--all sorts of little } idiosyncrasies were scattered about to puzzle you and occupy your mind } (or your closest facsimile thereto).  The case of the lack of universal } DST is a prime example. } } > IS IT TRUE THE ARIZONA DOES NOT DO IT? } } Didn't you ever watch that movie?  You *missed* a Holly Hunter movie? } For shame.  I'm not going to tell you.  If you really care, rent the } movie yourself.  By the way, if your writing were less } stream-of-consciousness and antecedent-dependent, you'd be able to find } out what you wanted to.  But wait!  That would counteract the 1972 } plans, wouldn't it? } } >  THANKS FOR YOUR TIME. } } You're welcome. } } You owe the Oracle a mirror and/or a copy of _The Ugly American_.  The } experience is much the same. . .

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who needs some brushing up on his grammar, > > You often talk about how most of your "supplicants" have a problem with > not groveling enough.  So, wouldn't the use of the term "supplicant" be > an oxymoron, since a supplicant is "one who grovels?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, supplicant, you must be using a mortal dictionary. } In the Oracular Dictionary, the word "supplicant" is defined as "a } sniveling little smart-assed worm who dares to bring its pathetic } concerns before a greater being, typically an Oracle, without showing } anything near the appropriate amount of respect, and often not even } able to formulate its question correctly." } } So you can see that if there is a moron involved anywhere in the } process, it's you, and others like you, who fail to grovel, or worse, } cop an attitude with me. } } **** ZOT!!!! **** } } You owe the Oracle a picture of yourself as a little pile of ashes, } so I can illustrate my entry for "supplicant".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most onomatopoetic, whose every self-deprecating grumble is > fraught with wisdom beyond mortals' understanding, please answer this > for me: > > What goes "boing-thump-boing-thump-boing-thump-SPLAT"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh.... the sound of a W**dchuck bungee jumping, } with too much cord and /somehow/.... the cord has broken. } } *sigh* We lose more w**dchucks that way..... } } You owe the Oracle more bungee cords.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does "no" really mean no?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, no, "no" does *not* always mean "no". } } 1) Alternate Thursdays of every month, "no" means "save me". } If you hear anyone saying "no" on an alternate Thursday, dial 911 } immediately if in an area that provides the 911 service; if not, dial } the operator, or if the operator is unavailable or you do not have } a phone, scream out "DOT-DOT-DOT DASH-DASH-DASH DOT-DOT-DOT" at the } top of your lungs.  When someone answers, yell "I've been told no!" } and hang up or run away.  They'll know where to reach you. } } 2) In Arizona, "no" means "I have fleas".  Curiously enough, Arizona } also has problems with Martin Luther King Day and Daylight Savings } Time. } } 3) Most of the time, however, when "no" does not mean "no", it means } "not only no, but *hell no*, you imbecilic, drooling, sewage-smelling, } nose-hair-growing, mannerless, desperate yard ape".  Use your own } judgement when this alternate meaning might apply. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of whether "yes" really means "yes".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wondrous oracle whose name translated into seven languages is still > "oracle", oh keeper of the keys and guarder of the gates, oh miraculous > heaven-sent omniscient wonder, I petition you. > > A green half-mask has appeared on the lab's corkboard.  Written across > it in black marker is the legend:  "It's coming.  October 25th, > 8pm-10pm."  I was about to set my digital watch when the obvious > question arose:  What exactly is "it"?  I await with anxious > clock-setting fingers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's your next OSHA inspection. } } The regional inspector is a bit kinky, but *very* thorough. } The Oracle recommends that you remove the Ant Farm from under } your fume hood, as well as the gag sign on the water cooler reading } "TRICHLOROETHYLENE CONTENT ~550 ppm -- DO NOT USE FOR INFANT } FORMULA!" } } You owe the Oracle a Jack O'Lantern carved from a 25-pound oak } gall growing within 10 km of Chernobyl.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most perspicacious and efficacious answerer of mysteries, I grovel > at your feet and beg for insight in this most perplexing matter, for > which my humble mind (and Rand McMally) is no match: > > Where the heck *are* the Halls of Montezuma, and how far *are* they > from the Shores of Tripoli?? > > My unending gratitude...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, Montezuma has a beach house at Tripoli.  And he keeps the } Halls in the medicine cabinet.  For those recurring sore throats, you } know.  The distance is about 80 yards. } } You owe the Oracle a tube of Vick's vapo rub to be applied by Cindy } Crawford.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > finger Oracle@cs.indiana.edu

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YEEEOWW!!!!  Jeez, what did you do, soak the thing in ice water? } } You owe the Oracle a reference for a new proctologist.