Goto:

953, 953-01, 953-02, 953-03, 953-04, 953-05, 953-06, 953-07, 953-08, 953-09, 953-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose knowledge and greatness spans the infinite number of > space-time continuum infinities, please answer the query of this lowly > one ... > > Amongst the rules for a recent contest, I heard this clause ... "If you > are at least 21 years of age, or older ..." Is this just a redundancy, > or is there some deeper hidden meaning I cannot ascertain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O detail-conscious supplicant, } } It is not a redundancy, but a "year 2000" issue.  Think how lousy you } would feel holding a winning ticket on your 22nd birthday in the year } 2004, for instance, and being ruled ineligible because, due to computer } error, you were only -82 years old.  The "or older" clause allows for } those who are of negative age but are older than someone who is 21. } (21-year old people will exist only in theory until January 1, 2021, } but why split hairs?)  Good thing someone's planning ahead. } } You owe the Oracle a year 10,000 patch.  Gotta start early in case } programmers become extinct.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, darling, my true love! > > This Christmas, I was thinking of sending you, over a twelve-day > period, the following: > > 12 Drummers Drumming, > 22 Pipers Piping, > 30 Lords-a-Leaping, > 36 Ladies Dancing > 40 Maids-a-Milking, > 42 Swans-a-Swimming, > 42 Geese-a-Laying, > 40 Gold Rings, > 36 Calling Birds, > 30 French Hens, > 22 Turtle Doves, >    -and- > 12 Partridges in 12 Pear Trees. > > Do you have room for all of this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh future partner and light of my life etc. } } I have previously been sent such assemblages of gifts, and had no } trouble stowing them in my Oracular palace. Unfortunately we had the } Norse Pantheon over for Christmas dinner (a rather cheerful secular } holiday, considering the populations preference for worship here) and } they killed and roasted the animals right there in the lounge room, } pulling apart a few of the tables for firewood. The Pipers, Lords and } Drummers were used for throwing practice, the maidens and ladies } provided tabletop, floor and anywhere-the-damned-Vikings-could-lie-down } entertainment and the gold rings were used as egg-cups for the } hard-boiled goose eggs. } } Those Vikings really know how to have a good time, but they left } feathers and entrails on the carpet. } } Something in rubber might be nice as an alternative.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Astute one, > > Is Carbon Dating anything like Military Dating?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are quite different, but with similar results. } } Carbon date:  Your date pours concentrated sulphuric acid on you, and } all that is left is a smelly chunk of carbon.  This technique is not } recommended for any but the most desperate. } } Military date:  You begin manoevres at precisely 2045, and engage the } enemy (your date) at 2105.  Unexpected troops arrive at 2145, just as } action was starting to get interesting.  You try to sneak away, but } instead are buried at half-staff with full honours.  Explanation is } unnecessary and impossible. } } You owe the Oracle reports on your next two dates.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose hangovers rival the famed Garden of Babylon, > please tell me... > > Why don't corn flakes taste good with bourbon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because you're mixing incompatible grains.  If you really want } cereal to go with your bourbon, I suggest you stick to Rye Chex.  Corn } flakes don't really go with anything much, other than some really } horrible whiskey which you probably wouldn't want to waste your money } on. } } In case you were wondering, here's what the experts recommend you put } on various other types of cereal: } }         Rice Krispies                   Sake } }         Froot Loops                     Various liqueurs or schnapps } }         Raisin Bran                     Wine (Bordeaux recommended) } }         Sugar Snaps (or any other       Rum }         sugar-frosted cereal) } }         Cocoa Krispies                  Creme de cacao } }         Barley Puffs                    Scotch (single-malt for }                                         name-brand cereal; blended is }                                         fine for the generic }                                         supermarket brand) } } Note that beer should never be poured on cereal.  Beer is meant to be } served with cold leftover pizza.  Tequila should be saved and used on } that really old cereal at the back of the cabinet that's got weevils } living in it. } } You owe the Oracle a cookbook for bachelors.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most academically-ept, who never procrastinates and always > gets 100%, > *** >       You are in a home office.  The exit is to the east.  In the > northwest corner there is a Pentium running Win95, with 17" monitor and > color Deskjet, currently off.  In the southwest corner, you see a > 486dx-33, currently displaying PROCOMM PLUS for Windows (3.11) on its > 14" monitor; the lights on the modem indicate that a connection is > active, although you can't tell what it is from here.  The B&W inkjet > connected to the 486 is on, and a small pile of papers rests atop it. >       You have a headache from caffeine withdrawal. > >I > In your hand: >       a pile of papers >       a 20-oz bottle of Jolt > In your pockets: >       7 cents (pennies) >       wad of tissue, partly used >       Uniball Vision pen >       2 cheap Bic clicky-pencils > >READ PAPERS >       The papers are lab handouts and spectrophotometer data for five > Chemical Structure labs, due this Tuesday, next Tuesday, and the > previous three Tuesdays.  You remember that one point is being deducted > for each day, from each lab grade, and shudder. > >DRINK JOLT >       Your headache vanishes as you open the bottle, and you feel a > caffeine rush immediately after drinking.  Note well the conditioned > response of the caffeine-dependent body.  It will be on some test, some > time, you can be sure. >       You feel hungry. > >DISCARD TISSUES >       You throw the wad of tissue in the office trash can. > >EAST >       You are in the living room.  Exits are to the east (front > hallway) and to the west (office). > >EAST >       You are in the front hallway.  Exits are to the south (front > door) and to the east (dining room). > >EAST >       You are in the dining room.  Exits are to the north (kitchen) and > to the east (front hallway). > >NORTH >       You are in the kitchen.  The exit is to the south (dining room). > Stairs lead down to the basement. > >LOOK >       You are in the kitchen.  To the south, a swinging door leads to > the dining room.  Stairs lead down to the basement. >       There are three cabinets and three drawers. > Appliances here: >       Telephone >       Stove >       Oven >       Dishwasher >       Sink >       Microwave >       Toaster >       Coffee Maker >       Refridgerator > On the kitchen counter: >       Full bag of uncooked whole-wheat Rotelli >       A box of tomato soup mix, two packets remaining > >COOK NOODLES WITH SOUP >       (10 minutes later) >       You have prepared a delicious meal of tomato & noodle soup. > >EAT SOUP >       Mmmm.  You no longer feel hungry. > >RETURN OFFICE >       You are in a home office.  The exit is to the east. > >LOOK COMPUTER >       Which computer? > >486 >       The 486 is running PROCOMM PLUS for Windows.  The modem is > connected at 24000bps, REL/LAPM to UMB dialup.  On the screen is the > email program "Pine", displaying a message to The Internet Oracle > written in a generic text-adventure format.  You feel an urge to > complete the message, but a voice in your head (perhaps your ex) nags > at you to do your lab reports before playing. > > > *** > What now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >TYPE R }       The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it shows the }     following message: }     [supplicants question included] }     *** }     What now? }     > TYPE R }           The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it shows the }       following message: }       [supplicants question included] }       *** }       What now? }       > TYPE R }               The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it shows }           the following message: }           [supplicants question included] }           *** }           What now? }           > TYPE R }                   The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then it }               shows the following message: }               [supplicants question included] }               *** }               What now? }               > TYPE R }                       The machine flutters and yawks for a while, then }                   it shows the following message: }                   [supplicants question included] }                   *** }                   What now? }                   > TYPE R }                           The machine flutters and yawks for a while, }                       then it shows the following message: }                       [supplicants question included] }                       *** }                       What now? }                       > TYPE R }                               The machine flutters and yawks for a }                           while, then it shows the following message: }                           [supplicants question included] }                           *** }                           What now? }                           > TYPE R }                                   The machine flutters and yawks for }                               a while, then it shows the following }                               message: }                               [supplicants question included] }                               *** }                               What now? }                               > TYPE R }                               . }                                   . }                                       . }                                          . }                                             . }                                               . }                                                 . }                                                  . }                                                  . }                       [ By now you've eaten so much soup, that you ] }                       [ will likely burst into a supernova or      ] }                       [ collapse into a black hole. Let's take a   ] }                       [ step beyond infinity and see the outcome   ] }                       [ of this adventure...                       ] }                                                  . }                                                  . }                                                 . }                                               . }                                             . }                                          . }                                       . }                                   . }                               . }                               Just as you finish your very witty }                               reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. }                               A single message pops up: }                               Stack overflow }                               >PRESS RESET }                           Just as you finish your very witty }                           reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. }                           A single message pops up: }                           Stack overflow }                           >PRESS RESET }                       Just as you finish your very witty }                       reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. }                       A single message pops up: }                       Stack overflow }                       >PRESS RESET }                   Just as you finish your very witty }                   reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. }                   A single message pops up: }                   Stack overflow }                   >PRESS RESET }               Just as you finish your very witty }               reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. }               A single message pops up: }               Stack overflow }               >PRESS RESET }           Just as you finish your very witty }           reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. }           A single message pops up: }           Stack overflow }           >PRESS RESET }       Just as you finish your very witty }       reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. }       A single message pops up: }       Stack overflow }       >PRESS RESET }     Just as you finish your very witty }     reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. }     A single message pops up: }     Stack overflow }     >PRESS RESET } Just as you finish your very witty } reply, the screen suddenly goes blank. } A single message pops up: } Stack overflow } >PRESS RESET } The screen now shows: }     Keyboard not found -- Press F1 } You hear an old laughing-machine from Cheers in the distance. } >LOOK COMPUTER } Which computer? } >PENTIUM } The Pentium is turned off. } >TURN ON PENTIUM } With a pleasing hum, the machine starts to boot. After the usual } unreadable gibberish, A lightly clouded sky shows up with the Win95 } logo. A message pops up: }       McAfee's AntiVirus warning: Win95 virus found: removing... } >CLICK CANCEL } There is no "CANCEL" key } >PRESS ESC } Nothing happens. You suddenly notice the date on your computer. It } says: Jan 1, 1981 } You realise that the strange course of events took you back through } time. You may still be on time to finish your reports! } >LOOK CLOCK } The clock on the desk says: jan 1, 2081  7:31 am } Bummer. With a grin you picture that old hag of an ex of yours, that is } now 120. } >EAST } You don't fit through the door. } >BARF } You squeeze up a gallon of tomato-soup with noodles } >EAST } You still don't fit through the door. } All of a sudden, the dungeon collapses. } } -- } You owe the Oracle the recipe for that soup

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most momentous majestical maharajah, what really happens when an > irresistible force meets an immovable object?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa and I tire each other out. } } You owe the Oracle some PRIVACY.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, le plus de formidble!  Ce supplicateur plus mauvais se > demande-vous ce question.  Repondez s'il vous plait! > > Comment allez-vous?  Et avec Lisa?  Comment va Zadoc?  Qu'est-ce que > vous fait ce soir?  Voulez-vous venir a chez moi?  Nous peuvons jouer > de poker, avons un peu du bieres.  Est-ce que il sonne bien?  A 8 > heures?  Bon!  A bientot.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh great, another one in French ... Where is that dictionary? ... I } don't know why they can't just take Jerry Lewis and keep to themselves } ... Zadoc! Where's my French-English dictionary? Zadoc! ... Who do I } look, like, L'Oracle d'Internette or something? ... Zadoc! ... Oh, } forget it. } } Let's see ... I'm formidable ... good ... The supplicant is wearing a } plus-size mauve outfit and demands a question ... hmm ... something } about repossessing a silver plate ... } } Do I comment all my code? ... Do I have Lisa? ... Pretty cheeky little } supplicant here ... Are my comments written by Zadoc? Incredible! ... A } queue is a queue, it's fate, sir ... hmm ... Cheese with veneer ... } Nose peons form a poker jury ... Avon lady brings bad-smelling beer ... } My good son waits in the queue ... with eight prostitues ... a good } lad. } } Well, supplicant, it seems as though your son has fallen in with a bad } crowd.  Perhaps the lacquered cheese and the Avon lady's beer have } gotten to his senses.  That would explain the nose peons, and possibly } the gambling indictment.  Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I don't } understand why, when your son needs you, you're concerned about my } programming style and my intimate affairs.  But then, you didn't ask } for an answer, you demanded a question.  So here you go: } } Where did you get that mauve number?  It makes you look like a loose } woman yourself. } } You owe the Oracle that silver platter.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I'm having some difficulty with an > extremely important scientific project.  Can you help me > solve it, please?  Let me explain... > > As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 > degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this > means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally > consisting of water in large part), the natural processes > which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during > the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the > only available source, your body fat. > > For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C > (32.2 degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the > normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F). > For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes > approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average > dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by > operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 > cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body > fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. > > Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the > net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. > > Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you > are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your > goal. > > This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer > in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent > calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. > portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the > net calorie lss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It > doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 > calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the > body in the process of drinking a can of beer. > > Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, > since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to > 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them > to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, > and it beats running hands down. > > Well, I've been experimenting for several years, and I'm sad > to report that my experimental results do not agree with the > theory above at all.  What went wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       [The Internet Oracle walks up to the gates of Heaven...] }       <knock, knock> }       [Saint Pete sez] "Myeeeezzzzzz?" }       "I've got question for the big guy, Pete.  Run along and fetch } him, won't you?" }       "Right away, sir." }       ... }       "YES, MR. ORACLE, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?" }       "I'm a bit irked about the current version of Humanitas, } actually;  it's still not fully case sensitive, you know." }       "YES, THE PATCH IS A BIT SKETCHY.  I'M STILL NOT QUITE SURE WHY } YOU THOUGHT THEY NEEDED TWO CASES, ANYWAY;  I DO FINE WITH JUST ONE." }       "Well, they *are* made in your image, but they aren't quite up to } the original standard.  F'rinstance, I've got one supplicant right now } who can't tell the difference between a calorie and a Calorie. }       "OH, IS THAT SO?  THAT'S OK, THERE'S A RUNTIME KLUDGE FOR THAT: } CALL THE LATTER A 'FOOD CALORIE'." }       "Well, yeah, but that's hardly a general solution to the problem. } I expect you to get to work on that right away, bud, or maybe I'll have } to think about transfering control of the Humanitas project to Zeus. } *He*, at least, got stuff done." }       "I'LL DO MY BEST, MR. ORACLE." }       [The Internet Oracle tramps back upstairs to His computer] } }       Okay, so anyway: the food Calorie is 1000 heat calories, so if } you eat a 1,200 Calorie dessert, you need to use up 1.2 million heat } calories to cancel it out.  At 83 cal/gm to melt, and 37 cal/gm to } heat, your typical frozen dessert uses up only 20,160 cal on its way to } body temperature.  That leaves you with a good 1,179,840 cal to burn } off. }       Of course, you could repeat the same argument at a lower } temperature;  let's see how cold your ice cream would have to be to } cancel out its fat and sugar content, Caloriewise: }       You need to get rid of 1.2 million heat calories by warming your } 168-gm mostly-water dessert.  Melting it takes care of 13,944 cal, } leaving you with 1,186,056 cal to burn.  Dividing that by the 168 gm } present, assuming 1 cal/(gm*degree), we get a required change in } temperature of approximately 7060 degrees Celsius, for an initial } temperature of -6750 K if you want to raise it to body temperature.  So } take heart!  All you have to do to lose weight by eating ice cream is } chill it to several thousand degrees below absolute zero.  Get to work! } }       You owe the Oracle an argument using quantum field theory to } nullify the laws of thermodynamics, a heat sink at -6751 K, a perfect } heat engine, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why she don't love me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your poor grammar perhaps it is? } } You owe the Oracle an exam on the current state of the English language } in urban environments and how it has been modified over time.  Ready? } You may begin.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  When I erase a word with a eraser, where does it go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in } the wind.  (It's also getting into your computer and clogging things } up real good.) } } You owe the Oracle an air filter.