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954, 954-01, 954-02, 954-03, 954-04, 954-05, 954-06, 954-07, 954-08, 954-09, 954-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most industrially illustrious one, why do they call it "on hand" > inventory when it's usually on a shelf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This term dates back to the famous case, "Thor Power Tool Co. vs. } The United States of America" in which the Supreme Court (voting } 7 - 2) decided that Thor could not depreciate their inventory. } The publishing industry was particularly hard hit by this decision, } since they often depreciated their inventory of published books by } 1,500% in the first year. This explains why newly-published books } are now often remaindered up to 3 months before they are published. } As a result, accountants in the publishing industry usually beging } their discussions of tax-liability considerations by saying, "On the } one hand..." } } Meanwhile, the Japanese developed the concept of just-in-time delivery, } which reduced the "on-hand inventory" to zero. Of course, since Japan } is the size of a parking lot in Bill, Wyoming, their companies had } little trouble in delivering necessary raw materials and/or finished } products to their domestic customers. When American companies tried } to adopt the Japanese model to their own operations, they found some } difficulty in delivering, say, one million tons of raw beets from } the Central Valley in California to a hamburger processing plant in } Atlanta, Georgia (no, no, no, the package doesn't say "raw beef", } it says "raw beet"!). This led to a uniquely American system called } "Just-Too-Late Delivery", in which the raw materials and/or finished } products are delivered to the customer just as the sheriff shows up } to serve bankrupcy papers to them. } } Of course, if you would rather have a theological explanation, the } Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church has recently announced that } all physical matter (i.e., inventory) is "in His hands". } } You owe the Oracle a year's inventory of "Handi-Wipes".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most melodious, do you remember that old song about trying to > remember the days of September?  Isn't there another verse about > October? Something about getting sober, I think.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try to get over } The fest of Oktober } When the Oom-pa-pa band } In Lederhosen } Makes you drink pilsner } Until you feel ill sir } Don't swallow...swallow...swallow } } Beware the fat nurse } She'll force-feed you bratwurst } Until you vomit } In a Valkyrie's armpit } Don't shout "Heil Hitler" } Or the Germans'll hit yer } With a beer barrel } And mock your apparel } } So try to stay sober at } the fest of Oktober } Don't swallow...swallow...swallow } } You owe the Oracle some Alka-Seltzer

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most omnipotent and all-seeing Oracular master, whose electronic > wisdom I am unworthy even to contemplate, please deign to answer my > most pitiful and unspeakably boring question... > > How did Microsoft gain control of so much of the software industry? Are > the rumors of Bill's Deal with the Dark One true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } Thank you for the flattering compliments - I do so love it when you } guys & gals appreciate my superior intellect, coupled with my awesome } parallel processing feats and storage capacity. } } Now, technically you are only allowed to ask *one* question, but since } I'm in a good mood at the moment (and I have a lot of time on my } hands), I have deigned to answer both. } } > How did Microsoft gain control of so much of the software industry? } } The true reason for Microsoft's hold on all our lives (methinks I } exaggerate) is deeply shrouded in history, rumour and a lot of other } confusing gubbins. A long time ago (1979?)  an anonymous but powerful } company named IBM sought to create a computer that was clever, yet } easy to use. They wanted a machine that you could run a business on, } or scribble a memo to fetch the kids from school half an hour early, } for example. } } Having designed the hardware, they sought software. They journeyed } high and low, searching many a nook-and-a-cranny (the latter phrase } to be read in an Olde Scottish Accent) for talented programmers. Their } gaze briefly alighted on one Gary Kildall, the creator of CP/M } ('Control Program for Microcomputers'). The very day that Gary was due } to meet the IBM stuffed shirts, rumour has it that he took his private } 'plane out for a bit of scenic meandering, and he missed this very } important meeting. } } Ah! Piffle, I say! Codswallop, utter nonsense! It's obvious what } happened. Bill Gates, being a true megalomaniac and a downright crafty } character to boot (no pun intended), kidnapped Gary, brought him to } his kindergarten (where he was currently studying), tied him to a } chair, threw old peanut-butter sandwiches and Jello at him and refused } to let him go until he promised to let Bill have the all of the } goodies. So Gary (the true hero of the software industry) was } 'persuaded' to focus his energies elsewhere. Presumably Bill came back } to untie him later - these events are closed to me (I believe that's } what mediums say, isn't it?). } } Bill's still up to his nasty tricks today. Sure, he's richer. Sure, he } knows a lot more people. But we all know that deep down, he's just as } crafty - and as foxy and weasely - as can be. So there. I say so. } IDST. } } > Are the rumors of Bill's Deal with the Dark One true? } } Look very closely at Bill Gates the next time you see him (I dare } you!). Do his eyebrows meet in the middle? No? Well, are his nostrils } just ever-so-slightly of the fire-breathing variety, as is probably } quite useful Down Below? (Sorry Rolf). No. That's not proof enough. } Er.. his name is an anagram of 'Big Stella'? Now *that* must mean } something! Dressed in drag, he 'works' in a massage parlour in the wee } small hours? Oh dear. I've almost exhausted my Oracular resources, } here. } } Ah! I know! The ASCII value of all of the letters in his name add up } to make... 663!! Surely that must mean something! } --- } } You owe the Oracle (who is using an *Amiga* in this incarnation!) an } original copy of CP/M 86 for the Octopus Computer System. Ah, how I } miss those bygone days.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most illuminating, please tell me how many management > consultants it takes to change a light bulb.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A negative number equal to the number you called in to start with - you } aren't going to get any real change until you get rid of all those } management consultants. } } You owe the Oracle a 5-day MBA.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_000D_01BCE161.EE9D6120 > Content-Type: multipart/alternative; >       boundary="----=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120" > > ------=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120 > Content-Type: text/plain; >       charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > Why has Microsoft stopped giving old-fashioned version numbers (3.0 and > 6.0) to its products like Windows and Office and has replaced them by = > years? > > ------=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120 > Content-Type: text/html; >       charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD W3 HTML//EN"> > <HTML> > <HEAD> > > <META content=3Dtext/html;charset=3Diso-8859-1 = > http-equiv=3DContent-Type> > <META content=3D'"MSHTML 4.71.2016.0"' name=3DGENERATOR> > </HEAD> > <BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff> > <DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>Why has Microsoft stopped giving = > old-fashioned=20 > version numbers (3.0 and 6.0) to its products like Windows and Office = > and has=20 > replaced them by years?</FONT></DIV> > <DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV></BODY></HTML> > > ------=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because numbers with decimal points were considered too difficult a } concept for their client base. } } Apparently this assumption is warranted. } } You owe the Oracle a return to the days of vi, pine, and trn.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, in looking through electronics catalogs, I find > that you can buy zero ohm resistors.  What is the purpose of these > devices?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who can whip that big IBM 'puter in chess with > 3 moves, who is the best at every earthling sport in the universe, > I have a question: > > What is the best grovel you ever got?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best grovel I ever got?  Let's see... No, I'm afraid I can't tell } you about that one, because this is a family oracle.  Same for the next } three. The fifth best grovel I ever got is perfectly presentable, but } is far too long to reprint here.  The sixth best...  no, that one was } in an obscure dialect spoken only in Outer Mongolia and this keyboard } doesn't have the characters.  The seventh -- no...the eighth, } no...no...no... the seventthird best grovel was -- rats, I can't tell } you about that one either. Then there was the -- oh, that's the one you } just sent, you don't need me to tell you that one. } Hmm...nope...nyet...nein...no...aha!  Ok, I can tell you the nine } hundred thirty-five thousand, two hundred forty-sixth best grovel I } ever got.  It went, "Hey, Orrie, who is sort of ok." } } You owe the Oracle some Outer Mongolian BBQ.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who's infinite powers allow him to wake up at even the > earliest hours of the morning after only hitting 'snooze' once, > I have a grave problem.  I live in a college dorm room with windows > that face the gymnasium.  This became an issue for me, because the > noise from "early-bird 7 am aroebics" was waking me up every morning. > Try as I might, even with the windows closed and a pillow pulled > over my head, the blaring 80s music and the "One and two and one and > two..." over the areobics loud-speakers was waking me up every day. > Since nothing was helping, I decided to obey the old adage "If you > can't beat 'em, join 'em" and I joined early-bird 7 am areobics. > > It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I soon realized that if I > was going to do areobics properly at 7 am, I couldn't stay out until 4 > in the morning  before hand.  I started going to bed earlier and as a > result stopped binge drinking every night with my buds.  Also, after > finishing the daily work-out I found myself with tons of extra time > on my hands, since I hadn't been awake for "morning" in a few years. > With nothing better to do I started filling time with activities > such as "eating breakfast" and "going to class" and "studying." > While I was at it, I got a hair cut, started showering regularly, > and became a vegetarian. > > I used to be a beer-guzzling, junk-food eating, lazy, slobby guy who > spent all his waking hours partying with his pals and talking about > beer, women, and beer.  Now I have changed into a physically-fit, > hard-working, health-food-eating, clean-cut man who hangs out with > thirty well-toned women discussing things such as politics, the green > house effect, and sports bras. > > PLEASE HELP ME!!!  I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GO ON LIKE THIS MUCH LONGER!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right, I'm here to help.  Here's what you do.  Make a rude pass } at every one of those women.  Make it so disgusting that there's no } chance they'll ever look at you with respect again.  Mention Marv } Albert and the two of you.  Next, get back on a proper diet! } Beer, boy, and lots of it!  Beans!  Tacos!  Greasy hamburgers! } Keep going until you can't get through a minute of aerobics without } making embarrassing bodily noises.  Talk about nothing but football } and sports.  Take up chewing tobacco.  And stop showering.  If you } haven't been barred from the aerobics class by a court order, start } over and repeat it all as necessary.  Waste no time!  Start now! } } You owe the Oracle a reminder to have Lisa's "Early Bird Aerobics" } class moved to another continent.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, but silent one on this gray day in Chicago, groveling from > the 28th floor of the Sears Tower, why does The Internet Oracle have no > questions to ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I never cease to be amazed at the number of people that can't } grasp the extremely simple principles underlying this service. } It's this way, kid: supplicants ask questions, the Oracle } answers them. I don't have any questions to ask because I know } everything. Got that? } } > That was a question. } } What? } } > You asked a question. "Got that?" is a question. So is "What?" } } Oh, a smartass, eh? } } > That's a question, too. } } Right, Mister Know-it-all Clever Dick from the 28th floor of the } Sears Tower on this gray day in Chicago. From now on I'm going } to answer all your questions with questions. See how you like } that! } } > That's the way it is, eh? } } That's the way what is? } } > Okay, oh great but sometimes puerile one, tell me this. Why } > does The Internet Oracle have no questions to ask? } } How do you know The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask? } } > The question queue is empty. } } Which question queue would that be? } } > The Oracular question queue! } } Are you sure you looked carefully enough? } } > What do you mean? How carefully do I have to look? } } You know how things sometimes appear to be lost but they aren't } really? } } > You mean the questions get temporarily misplaced? } } Haven't you ever heard of things slipping down the back of the sofa? } } > Statement! } } Was not! } } > Hah! Gotcha! } } Damn! } } > He fell for it! The oldest trick in the book! } } It was just a temporary lapse! Gimme a rematch, you little slimeball! } } > I don't know why anybody comes to ask you anything anyway. } > Some all-knowing sage! My kid brother could do better! } } I'm warning you... } } > Just wait till I tell all the guys on alt.slack what a loser } > you are, oh Internet Oracle I don't think! Why, you couldn't } > prophesy your way out of a paper bag! I've met garden pond } > ornaments with more soothsaying skills than... } }             ******* zzzzzzzzZOT ******* } } Omniscience means always having the last word.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most jolly, have you ever considered a job as a mall Santa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Lisa, Oracular companion } From: The Internet Oracle } Re: Holiday Job } } Honey, it might be cool if I took on a job as a mall Santa this year. I } know whether everyone has been naughty or nice, of course. And how } about the names of all of the reindeer? I think I can use the Staff of } Zot to alter my appearance as needed. Check this out and get back to } me. } }    -O } } To: Zadoc, Oracular lackey } From: Lisa, hot babe } Re: Mall Santa } } Sweetheart, the big cheese thinks it would be cool to be a mall Santa } this year. I know, but let's humor him. Find out what it pays and } whether the Zot staff is enough to fix his looks. (No wisecracks!) Oh, } and we need the names of the reindeer. Write soon. } }    Love, Lisa. } } To: Ms. Emily Saurbraten, Temple Chief of Staff } From: Zadoc, Executive Assistant to His Omniscience } Re: Santa job } } Three questions honey: What's it pay to be a mall Santa? Can the Zot } staff do plastic surgery? What are the names of Santa's reindeer? I } need answers by noon. } }   -The Big Z } } To: Penny, Benny, and Lenny, Research elves } From: Emily Saurbraten } Re: Quick questions } } Penny: Need a cost estimate for mall Santa. } } Benny: Check capabilities of Zot staff re. plastic surgery. } } Lenny: Names of Satan's reindeer. } }    E.S. } } To: Ronald "Fingers" Scarpelli } From: Penny "Sweet Lips" } Re: Santa } } Honey bunny, I gotta get a cost estimate for a maul Santa. And I get } off work today at five thirty. Want to meet at the usual place? } }    X X X O O O X X X } } To: Dr. Albert Sintermann, chief of cosmetic and reconstructive surgery } From: Bernard McDinny } Re: Zot staff } } I've got a question for you. Would you be able to fix up a zot victim, } you know, afterwards, and could you make him look kinda normal again? } }    -B McD } } To: Cerberus, Dog from Hell } From: Leonard Farnham } Re: Reindeer? } } Hey, do you guys have any reindeer down there? And what are their } names? } }    Lenny } }    ........ much later ......... } } To: Orrie the hottie } From: Lisa the nubile } Re: Santa job } } Got those answers you needed. Turns out that you can get a good Santa } job for about $5000, broken bones are your choice (what's that about?), } just show up at The Top Cat after work and wear your red outfit. You } can get somewhat fixed up with any zot setting, even "UltraMegaZot", } although the results really depend upon the strength of the zot. And } I've got a list of names here: Gouger, Tyson, Kicker, Gorer, Stinky, } Demon, Fangs, Nessus, and Rudolph. What's that all about? } }     Forever yours, Lisa } - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - } } You owe the Oracle a promise to be extra good this year.