Goto:

956, 956-01, 956-02, 956-03, 956-04, 956-05, 956-06, 956-07, 956-08, 956-09, 956-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise Oracle, saver of all, keeper of wisdom, super > great oracle, bla bla bla; I am trapped in this room and > the fire is spreading. The notice which had the emergency > phone number is burned, please, please, please, Oracle, > what is the emergency number?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, are you in luck!  You live in an area where the emergency response } teams are hooked in to the cellular network.  Now you can reach them } anywhere.  Just dial the emergency number. } } > I don't know the emergency number!  That's why I wrote you! } } Okay, just dial 411, that's information. } } *What City?* } } > Um... Denver. } } *What listing?* } } > Fire Department!  Hurry! } } *One Moment... I'm sorry I can't find Fire Department Hurry.* } } > What? } } *One moment while I connect you with a reprentative.* } } (sigh) "What city? } } > Denver!! } } All right, quit yelling,  What listing? } } > The fire department!  Please hurry! } } "...You're serious." } } >Yes! } } "You moron, what nimnoll told you to call 411 to get the number for } 911?" } } > 911! Thank you! } } BOOP BEEP BEEP } } *I'm sorry, this cellular customer is out of the calling area.* } } > Argh!!!  What should I do now?? } } I'm sorry, only one question per supplication. } } You owe the Oracle,  (sniff-sniff), mmm... toast.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am bored!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clean your room. Do your homework. Learn how to braid your sister's } hair into elaborate new styles. Learn to play the pennywhistle. } Taunt the dog by reading it poetry, adding "Yes, you do!" in a } happy, high-pitched voice at the end of every stanza.  Find out what } Alka-Seltzer will do to the plumbing.  Carve a small gargoyle out of } soap and glue it to the roof gutters for an experiment on erosion. } Figure out who put the bop in the bop-shee-bop-shee- bop.  If you go } out in the woods today, you're in for a big surprise.  Dress up like } Andy Warhol and interview passers-by. Now ask the same questions, } only dress like Rush Limbaugh. Compare and contrast the answers. } Practice driving in reverse really fast. No, in a parking lot, } you idiot!  Mow an elderly neighbor's lawn, and don't forget to do } a nice job on the edging.  Think of the worst combination of foods } you can, then try it -- you might be suprised.  I recommend the } steamed rice with ketchup and seaweed/sesame sprinkle (obtainable in } any health-food store). Put glow-in-the-dark stars in your folk's } bedroom. Put on a Chieftains album and dance like Michael Flatley, } including the facial expressions.  Try to guess the ingredients in } Worchestershire sauce. Hah!  You didn't know about the anchovies, } did you?  Swing your arms and skip down the block. } } You owe the Oracle a redecorated bedroom and a nicely mowed lawn.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> v4

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aaagh! You sank my battleship! } } ***ZOT!*** } (Okay, so I'm a sore loser). } } You owe the Oracle a rematch.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and almighty Oracle, who's sweat I am unworthy to bathe in, > who's toejam I am unworthy to spread on a sandwich, who's flatulance > I am not worthy to breath, and who's underware I am not worthy to > wear on my head. > > Please tell me - is there anything you need from the store while > I'm out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why yes, in fact, there is. } } You owe the Oracle some Arrid Roll-on, some Dr. Scholl's, some Bean-o } and a new pair of Jockey shorts.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just bought and installed a CD624A. Windows 95 failed to autodetect > it. I know it's installed correctly because it works fine under DOS > with the DOS drivers. What might be preventing the autodetect from > working and what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Install Linux first.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do cats like cooked shrimps, when it isn't a part of their > "natural" hunting environment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know about this "natural" business! } } If you own a cat, you should know by now that cats *rarely* tell } their owners what they are doing.  You put the cat out at night, and } in the morning it comes back smelling of booze and cheap perfume. } Well, as Oracle, I can assure you that the cat's "natural" hunting } environment resembles Bourbon Street in New Orleans.  Why do you } think they lie around sleeping in the sun all day long?  Because at } night they're out struttin' their stuff with the boys, cattin' around, } visiting the "cat house" and barbecueing shrimp over an oil can fire } back behind the warehouse.  Your cat has you fooled with this "hunting } mice with tooth and claw" scam.  You need to get a clue.  Better yet, } buy one from Vanna. } } You owe the Oracle a nice big bowl of Cajun barbecued shrimp, with } the heads and shells on.  Meoowww!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who knows the difference between Naugahyde and leather, > carob and chocolate, and the Spice Girls and the Bangles; > Tell me, can you send WAV files in MIME, and will they still produce > sound, or would they be stuck in an imaginary box? > > Thank you, > Mr. Marceau

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The only purpose of a WAV is to create sound, and not even a mime } could stop it.  But the WAV has to steal the mime's wallet, and beat } the crap out of the mime, for the mime to make any noise. } } You owe the Oracle a mime's wallet, or at least the cash.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle! Oracle! He's our man! > If he can't do it ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Z0T! How dare you even consider the possibility, never mind suggest } such a thing! } } You owe the Oracle an aphrodisiac.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most kind and forgiving, I want to thank you for that zotting > you gave me a while ago.  Oh, sure, at the time I was pretty upset, but > looking back on it, I can see that I really deserved it, and in fact > all those months in rehab really helped me put things in perspective. > I'm feeling much better now, and I promise never to do it again. > Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings.  Hey, maybe I could even > send you a tellme again some time, eh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Mr. S.U.Plicant } From: Harry Neasden, Customer Services Division, Zots'R'Us[*] } } We at Zots'R'Us are always pleased to get feedback from our users, } and are especially pleased to hear from those who have positive and } constructive comments. We are glad to hear that you consider your } Zotting a valuable life experience. } } With your permission, we would like to make use of your letter as } a testimonial in one of our advertising features. Although we are } unable at present to give you any direct compensation for this, we } would be able to offer substantial discounts on all Zot products and } a variety of burn treatments. } } Again, many thanks for your letter. We hope you will be able to return } for repeat zots in the future. } } Harry. } } [* - Zots'R'Us is a wholly owned subsidiary of Oracular Industries plc]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose geometrical knowledge is boundless, what is the > geometrical significance of the Norman Conquest as an Algerbraic > Operation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} y=1066