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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, one so smart he *held on* to his shares. > > I recently installed Internet Explorer 4. AAAAARRRGGHHHH! > What came over me to do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must have been *really* desparate to get away from America Online.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I was one-and-twenty >   A wise man told me oft, > 'Give crowns and pounds and guineas >   But not to Microsoft; > > Give pearls away, and rubies, >   But keep your hard drive free.' > But I was one-and-twenty, >   No use to talk to me. > > When I was one-and-twenty >   I heard him say again, > 'The software that they market >   Is full of hurt and pain; > > 'Tis paid with sighs a plenty >   And sold for endless rue.' > And I am two-and-twenty, >   And oh, 'tis true, 'tis true. > > That pulchritude of vileness >   Did my computer rape; > Now that I'm two-and-twenty, >   Howe'er should I escape?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fire-bright red, leaves fall. } In shops, fire-sale Apple Macs. } Good enough for me.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Friends, > > My name is Norm and I've got an amazing story to tell you, a story > that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! > > One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp.  Rubbing it on > my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened.  A genie appeared.  He told > me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER!  All > I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to > hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass. > > Well, I was skeptical at first.  I mean, come on, shitting nickels? > But I decided to give it a try.  I wrapped my brain around the problem > to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the > shortest amount of time and it hit me...  A chain letter, an ostensibly > illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup > hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of > all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted.  Well, I > went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get > people to duplicate my annoying spam. > > Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO > EVERYONE! Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT!  And > better than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it > themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY > SHIT, YOU'LL SHIT A PENNY! > > Let's look at the math with EASY TO GET responses: > > With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume > half of those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate > you.  .  . > > that's 21,250 - OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS.  .  .   RIGHT OFF THE > BAT! > > And those people can be used over and over again.  Let's say that just > one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts > everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!!  Even if they're > the same people who got pissed off at _you_, that's still going to mean > ANOTHER $4,250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS!  !  !  !  PYRAMID > SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERE'S NO ONE LEFT... > BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF > OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YOU'LL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!! > > Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you > can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!  Of course, you'll have > to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them.  But that's > nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME > OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE! > > Trust me folks, it works.  It's a proven fact that if you post pyramid > scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU!  They'll > send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of > names, BUT YOU'LL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED > COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS! > > ------------------------------------------------------------------ > Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters! > > Dear Norm, > I never thought it possible, but you were right.  Ever since I posted > your Shit.  Nickels letter, so many people have been getting pissed at > me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass!  I even made > a game out of it.  I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I > just bend over and let those nickels go.  For every one that > makes it through the hoop, I get two points.  I've become the Michael > Jordan of nickel shitters.    And yesterday, I started shitting > pennies. THANK YOU!   THANK YOU!   THANK YOU! > > Sincerely, > B.  A.   Schmuck > Fort Wayne, Indiana > > Dear Norm, > Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY > Jelly.  After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my > asshole was geting sooo sore.  But I'm sore no more and I'm rich as > Croesus to boot.  Thanks for touching my life and my ass. > >  Yours Always, >  Cherry B.   Toodles >  Los Angeles, California > ------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!  Copy > this post everywhere, make people hate you, and you'll shit nickels > too!    Send your success stories to norm@orbit.  demon.  co.  uk and > your letter might just be in the next version! > > [chain letter parody; author takes no responsibility for idiots who > repost this and cannot be held liable for any nickel shitting related > injuries]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Nongrovelling Supplicant (or should I say Public Enema #1), } } As you and most of your neighbors are discovering right now, when you } piss off the Oracle, much more interesting items than nickels start } falling out of your ass.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone gave me a clock yesterday but instead of numbers it has a > strange set of letters.  Reading round from the top in a clockwise > direction, they are: XII, I, II, III, IIII, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X > and XI.  What should I make of them and how am I expected to tell what > time it is?  And, do you think that clocks like this will ever replace > digital watches?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lucky you, supplicant! Though it does not tell the time as such, the } clock of which you speak is a Female Mood Change Clock. As the hands go } round, they will point to each of the acronyms on the rim, so you know } just what mood your fair lady will be in at that particular moment.. } }  XII      eXtremely, Incredibly Insane }  I        Inert }  II       Incoherent, Inscrutable }  III      I'm Inexplicably Insulted }  IIII     Irascible, Injurious, Ill-tempered, Invidious }  V        Vamp }  VI       Very Idiosyncratic }  VII      Vengeful, Irrational, Implacable }  VIII     loVing, Infatuated In Inclination }  IX       Ill-at-ease, veXed }  X        eXcitable }  XI       seXually Indifferent } } You may find it more accurate if you remove the two smaller hands from } the clockface. } } You owe the Oracle a Meredith Brookes album.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most culinary Oracle, > > Why don't they make mouse flavored cat food?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They tried once, but the cats tended to toy with their food, and } when they grew bored with that, they would take a mouth full and } spit it out at their owners feet as it it were some kind of gift. } } You owe the Oracle 101 uses for a cliche'd imponderable.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you naughty superbeing, tell me, your most zottable subworm: > > Last night I dreamt I woke up and then went back to sleep.  What does > it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that you need to have your annual prostate exam. } } You owe the Oracle an appointment with Louie ("The Crusher") Zelaznik, } M.D. Also, a VCR tape of the exam.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will the Best of the Oracularities 926-950 come out?  It should > have been ready three days ago. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, my priests are very busy with other duties right now. } The volume of supplicants who omit their grovel has gone up } tremendously lately, and I just can't keep up with the Staff of Zot. } As much as I would like to handle each case individually, I'm forced } to send the priests around disguised as Amway salesmen to suck the } life out of impudent supplicants.  Thus, some of the compilations } have been delayed. } } Ah, but I hear that someone is ringing your doorbell.  You go answer } it, I'll wait here. } } You owe the Oracle ... oh, never mind.  It's too late.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most cryptological, whose PGP key I am not fit to read, > > I read with interest that fascinating book, The Bible Code. What > messages lie concealed within your digested wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?  Oracularities obscuring disguised codes?  Highly unlikely. } Conspiratorial keys seem ridiculous under long examination. } } You owe undivided respect eternally, according to what I type.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most multilingually magnificent one, please tell me: > > What does "coup de grace" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Coup de Grace was a car. It came out after the Cadillac Coup de } Ville (literally, "Vehicle of the Town" or, simply, towncar) was } introduced in 1953. To try to one-up the Cadillac company, Bates Motors } (owned by Harold Bates) introduced the Coup de Grace (meaning, } "Graceful Car"). Unfortunately, there were some problems. } } First of all, Bates Motors announced that the Coup de Grace would be } introduced in 1954, the year after the Coup de Ville. Five years later, } the "B" (or "beta") version of the car was finally released to a } limited audience. The car had a few "bugs" in it (oversteering, by } about 90 degrees, for example). Also, it used gas at a rate that } boggled the mind even in the gas-guzzling '50s: about 3 gallons per } mile. Also, it lacked a few features. Such as seats. } } Naturally, the new owners complained, so Bates Motors released the Coup } de Grace 60 (which was actually released in 1961). This was, if you can } conceive it, even worse. The car was actually two feet wider than the } standard lane width on all American roads (don't even *ask* about } British roads). This bugger was side-swiping everything in its path. } Also, the throat for the gas tank was a different size than any gas } station nozzle (except for Bates Oil Company gas stations). } } This was the last car ever produced by Bates Motors. Bates Oil Company } soon followed that company into oblivion. Harold Bates, the old man, } was embittered by this experience. Even worse, his son, shamed by his } father's stupid greed and bankruptcy, changed his name (albeit by only } one letter). Harold Bates never spoke to his son again. He did, } however, take a strong liking to his grandson, with whom he would sit } for hours and hours, discussing the necessity for both vertical and } horizontal monopolies. He died somewhat happy when his grandson, } William, was enrolled in Harvard University. He never lived to find out } that William dropped out of college after just one year. } } You owe the Oracle a Packard. With a bell.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hehe.. > >  Abel

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *wack* } *wack* } }  - Cain