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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle...who believes women are as equal as men...please tell me.. > > Sometimes being a woman, I am taken advantage of at the repair > place where I get my car fixed... I took it in last week for an > oil change and I was told my blinker fluid needed to be replaced > and the gaskets changed... the price was $350.00.  So I went ahead > and had them do the work but I can't help wondering if they > over charged me for the blinker fluid...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm afraid that $350.00 is about right. That's what you have to } expect if you have a car with power blinkers. Remember, you have four } blinkers, plus the hazard lights. That's not only a lot of fluid, but } lots of gaskets as well. If you had manual (or "standard") blinkers, } the bill would probably have only run $100.00 or $150.00, but, then, } you'd have to keep moving the turn signal knob to make the continuous } blinking. } } What bothers me is that the mechanics obviously didn't check the radio } batteries and refill the kerosene in the heater. Both of those usually } have to be done about the time blinker fluid needs to be topped up. } Sure, it's another $750.00, but you want to have your radio and heater } work, don't you? } } You owe the Oracle a trip to Orrie's Car Repair. It's on Gratiot, just } north of 10 Mile Road. Bring cash. Lots of cash.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> !!! The Oracle's question queue is getting rather empty.  Help spice > !!! things up for everyone and do tellme's instead of askme's.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want spice?  I'll give you spice! } } Okay, you asked for it. . . } }                       *       *       * } } Announcer: It's time** once again for HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S ORRIE! } }               (thunderous (if canned) applause) } } Announcer: And here's your host-for-the-day, Zadoc Lawrence! } }                              (thunderous silence) } } Zadoc: Hi.  I'm Zadoc.  I'm filling in for my Most Grand and Exalted }       Master today because our guests today are the Spice Girls, and My }       Wonder of Wonders, and Oracle of Oracles, whose taste is as }       impeccable as Woody Woodpecker, was not about to sully his Divine }       and Elegant Hands, or Eyes, or Mouth, by associating with, }       looking at, or talking to such creatures.  So I'd just like to }       say that it's a great honour to be here, and to get to attempt to }       fill in for The One for Whom No One Can Fill In, and to bask in }       the glory of-- } } Announcer: Get on with it, Zadoc. } }                     (thunderous applause) } } Zadoc: But I'm not yet through snivelling about the greatness of my most }       Supreme and Mighty Ubermensch! } } Announcer: I'm sure he's satisfied. } } Zadoc: It's true that he his a Most Humble and Gracious Master.  But I-- } } Announcer: No buts, Zadoc.  It's time to meet our guests. } } Zadoc (blanching): But I-- } } Announcer: And here, ladies and gentlemen, are THE SPICE GIRLS! } }                    (thunderous applause) } } Zadoc: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Please, Master, have pity!  I know it's you up in }       the announcer booth, come to watch me writhe in agony!  So I ran }       off with Lisa!  *That's* not a big deal. . .you do it all the }       time!  The punishment doesn't fit the crime! } } Vapid Spice Girl: Hi, Zaydoak! } } Inane Spice Girl: Yo, Zaddie! } } Vacuous Spice Girl: How's the ZAD?!? } } Fatuous Spice Girl: 'Ello, Zadoc! } } Addlepated Spice Girl: Don't you have a more. . .dashing older brother? } } Zadoc: AAAAAAAAAAAH! (runs screaming from the studio) } }                       *       *       * } } Okay, supplicant, so you won't get much spice today.  But then, I have } to spice things up for everyone, so you couldn't have expected that } you'd  get much per capita.  But then, I suppose I'll have to forcibly } expose  *all* my foolish little supplicants to the Spice Girls to do } that.  MU HA HA HA! } } Oh!  Is that your doorbell I hear?  You'd best go answer it.  Have fun, } mortal. } }                       *       *       * } } You owe the Oracle a grovel and a decent musical ensemble--the }       Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, say. } }                       *       *       * } } ** No, supplicant, I'm not going to stoop so low as to say "it's thyme }       once again."  I'm not Richard Wilson, after all.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose knowledge is more vast than that of a  snow globe. > > What would life be like, if Christmas occurred 365 days a year.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Year } (1)     Everybody moves back in with parents or grandparents to avoid }         impossible travel expenses--suicide rates soar, birthrates }         decline; } Year } (2)     Temporary economic boom (centered on retail sales, and }         artificial snow futures) fizzles when non-Christian, }         trinket-producing nations take over the global economy; } Year } (3)     Inflation reaches staggering proportions: everyone working on }         Christmas gets time-and-a-half, a postage stamp costs $17.23; } Year } (4)     Folks so sick of Elves that a Flak Jacket becomes THE cherished }         fashion item for short people; } Year } (5)     The last copy of "It's a Wonderful Life" is located and }         destroyed by a delirious, chanting mob; } Year } (6)     Persons named Mary, Marie, Nicholas, Klaus, etc. are universally }         shunned, Bing Crosby's grave desecrated for 11th time; } Year } (7)     The only remaining Postal Worker constructs 3-story fortress }         using undelivered fruit cakes and catalogs -- it collapses and }         kills her; } Year } (8)     Pine Trees and Spruces and Firs (Oh MY!) declared extinct in the }         Western hemisphere; } Year } (9)     Constitutional Amendment outlawing Salvation Army bellringing }         is passed unanimously by every state legislature; } Year } (10)    Craig Shergold, the kid with cancer, e-mails just about everyone }         to say: "Enough cards, already". } }         You owe the Oracle a half pound of Raindeer Jerky.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip > That started from a tropic simulation on a chip > The mate was a miserable little worm, the skipper was all-seeing > Five supplicants sent mail that day to an omniscient being, >     an omniscient being > The routers started getting rough, the packets all were tossed > If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Tellme would be lost, >     the Tellme would be lost > The mail arrived at the shore of this uncharted digital isle > With Zadoc, the Oracle too > The Bill-ionaire and his wife > The movie star > The professor and Lisa Ann > Here on Zadoc's Isle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (We see Zadoc, whistling and walking down a tropical path, as the last }  of the credits roll.) } Directed by:          The Internet Oracle } Gaffer:               What's a gaffer? } Special Guest Star:   Jean-Paul Sartre } } Cut to the Gate's hut, complete with two door bamboo garage. } Zadoc:  Hi Mr. Gates. } Gates:  Howell, my boy, call me Mr. Howell.  Especially if anyone from }         the IRS happens to ask.  (laugh track) How are you my boy, did }         you bring my golf bag? } Zadoc:  Oh, sure Mr. Howell.  Boy, I sure do have a lot of work to do. } Gates:  Zadoc, my boy, you must work smart, not hard!  Why, my coconut }         3.1 will do half your work for you! } Zadoc:  Really, Mr. Howell?  Oh, wow, I wish I had a coconut 3 point }         thing, I really do. } Gates:  I tell you what, If you'll do half my work, I'll give it to }         you. } Zadoc:  Oh, wow, thanks Mr. Howell!  (takes coconut.  Looks at it, }         shakes it.)  Uh, It's not working, Mr. Howell. } Gates:  Really?  Well, half of my chores are done, so it worked for me. }         (laugh track)  But you can't worry about that now, Zadoc, }         you've got work to do!  Off you go! } Zadoc:  But, butbut, but...  Oh gee, I gotta go. (laugh track) } } Cut to the professor and Ginger, at the observation post. } Ginger: Look, Professor! A banana! } Prof:   No, Ginger, I'm just happy to see you.  But look, out there! }         It's a boat!  It's coming towards shore! } (A wet man in one of those funny french hats walks into camera view) } Prof:   Why, it's Jean-Paul Sartre, founder of the existentialism move- }         ment.  It's a good thing I speak french.  Bon jour, je }         m'appelle Proffeseur. } Jean:   Uh, what?  Make sense, you pompous ass. } Prof:   Oh, certainly.  We are very glad to see you.  We seem to be }         stuck on this island, and would be very glad if you could give }         us a ride to the nearest port. } Jean:   Oh, man, my agent is SO fired.  Who is this lovely young thing }         your with? } Ginger: Oh, hi, I'm Ging- } Jean:   Ginger!  Oh man, I'm a huge fan.  Oh wow, you were in "The Loin }         King"!  Remember that scene where- } Ginger: YES! Yes, I'm always glad to meet a fan.  Hey, can you get us }         off this island, you handsome man? } Jean:   What, now?  I just got here.  I wanna rest a little.  Unless }         you want to... } Ginger: Let's introduce him to the others, Professor. } } Cut to hut interior, with Oracle swinging in the hammock.  Lisa Ann } runs in, closely followed by Zadoc. } Oracle: Lisa, my love, I've been- oh.  Hi Zadoc. } Zadoc:  Oh come on, Lisa Ann, this coconut will do half your work.  Hi }         Skipper. } Lisa:   Look, Zadoc, I've already got two coconuts, and I don't need }         another one. } Oracle: Tell you what, Zadoc, I'll sell you my coconut 95.  It'll do }         three quarters of your work. All you have to do is all my work. } (Ginger, the Professor, and Jean-Paul enter.) } Ginger: Look everyone- } Oracle, Zadoc, and Professor: Ooooh.  Aaaah. } Ginger: No, look, this is Jean-Paul, and he has a bout that can take us }         home. } Lisa:   YAY! } Zadoc:  YAY! } Oracle: boo. } Zadoc:  I'll go get Mr. and Ms. Howell (exits) } Prof:   What do you mean boo? } Oracle: Why would I want to leave?  I haven't had this long a vacation }         since the mail server blew up.  (polishing his staff)  Power }         surges do funny things. } Lisa:   Well, I for one am dying to get off this island.  It's awful }         here.  It's like we're stuck in an empty room for eternity, }         constantly torturing each other. } Jean:   Uh, excuse me, I'll be right back. } Prof:   I don't think it's really that bad.  Of course a small peer }         group like this is going to have a lot of friction, but- } Zadoc:  I'm back with the Howells.  Hey, where's Jean-Paul? } Oracle: DOH! } } Cut to cast, sitting around radio. } Lisa    (to Zadoc)   :I can't believe he left without us, and based his }                       play on our plight. } Zadoc (to Professor) :I can't believe you can't fix a stupid hole in a }                       boat. } Professor (to Ginger):I can't believe that Star Trek: Voyager stole our }                       premise. } Oracle(to supplicant):I can't believe you made me do this stupid }                       parody. } } You owe the Oracle another week on the island.  I've almost got Lisa } to agree to help Ginger reproduce that scene in 'Humpback of Nota Dame'

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one, please answer me this.  I often hear > the first line of a poem: > >       There once was a man from Nantucket... > > But the teller is then sushed up by other people > in the room.  How does the rest of the poem go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Your confusion arises from your perception of this as the first } line of the poem.  In actuality, the phrase that puzzles you spans the } first two lines of one of Edgar Allen Poe's early attempts at haiku: } }       There once was a man }       From Nantucket - Curs'd was he }       As was his family } }       Of course, these haikus were mediocre at best, and most Poe } scholars prefer not to have them mentioned.  Despite the mediocrity of } these poems, however, some good came from them.  Later in life, Poe } successfully pilfered these haiku for ideas for some of his best works. } The above haiku, for instance, transformed into "The Fall of the House } of Usher."  The haiku } }       Fire is almost out }       The raven squawks and cackles }       Lenore is distant } } gave us the work we know today as "The Raven." } }       From the reaction your friends are giving to the recitation of } Poe's haiku, it is obvious that you seem to hang around quite a few } people who have devoted their life to the study of Edgar Allen Poe, and } do not wish to be reminded of these "inferior works."  If this is so, I } have a few suggestions to make: }       Firstly, you might wish to leave the English Department once in a } while.  Get some air.  Listen to some rock music.  Watch "Seinfeld" or } "Friends."  The fact that you seem to have discovered the Internet is a } promising sign - I may still be able to turn you away from becoming a } literary scholar and towards becoming an normal, productive, } brain-numbed member of society.  Write me back in a month or so, and } we'll see how it's going. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Free Verse of William Shakespeare" } (unabridged version.)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mellifluous, majestic, multi-homed, multi-threaded, mighty, meaty, > masterful, malleable, molybdmantic Oracle. > > How can I tell if my current relationship (less than 2 months after > the last one) is serious or just a rebound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Girlfriend: } } As a general rule, *any* current relationship that happens less than 2 } months after the last one is a rebound.  The one consistent exception } is when the duration of the last relationship was shorter than the } intervening time period.  A few other helpful indicators: } } If you notice his wonderful qualities, it's serious. } If you only notice those qualities which compare favorably to your } ex's, it's rebound. } } If you think he's the greatest guy you have ever met, it's serious. } If you think he's a marginally better alternative to spending Saturday } nights alone with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and "A Room with a View" on } video, it's rebound. } } If you met him when you were walking your dog at the park, it's } serious. If you met him when your best friend fixed you up on a blind } date with one of her brother's drinking buddies in a desperate attempt } to get your mind off your messy breakup with your ex, it's rebound. } } If you enjoy going to new places with him on dates, it's serious. } If you carefully plan your dates to go to places where you think your } ex might see the two of you together, it's rebound. } } If your girlfriends all tell you that they want to meet him so they can } give their approval, it's serious. } If your girlfriends continue to try to fix you up with other guys, it's } rebound. } } If he wants you to meet his parents, it's serious. } If he tells you that he can't see you this weekend because it's his } turn to have the kids and he doesn't think that they can handle him } having a girlfriend, it's rebound. } } Good luck, and happy hunting. } } You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding.  Doesn't matter which } one.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Master Oracle, > > When I buy a 10 cent candy bar, I only > get 1/10th of what I expect to get. Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Su } say that } used to } investme } At first } air bubb } fraction } 3 Musket } cardboar } shrank e } trays al } } And that } } You owe

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > Oh Mighty Oracle, Sage of Scooby, Doyen of Doo. > >  May I be presumptuous and ask more than one question at a time?? >  (Doh there goes one question already), it's just certain things have >  been troubling me for a while now, I'm loosing sleep over it. > >  1. Why did Scooby Doo ever let Scrappy doo in on the deal? > >  2. What is it in Scooby Snacks that makes Scooby prefer them over >  Shaggys special sandwiches? Are they addictive? > >  3. How come Scrappy can talk and Scooby can't? (is it psychoactive >  drugs in the Scooby Snacks if so where do you buy them?) > >  4. Why do Scooby and Shaggy always end up together even though they >  are the biggest cowards and always end up in the kitchen where they >  are invariably accosted by the ghost/monster/guy in a rubber mask? >  Surely it would be easier to just stake out the kitchen?? > >  5. Why don't they just go down to the local novelty shop and see who >  has bought rubber masks lately? > >  6. Why does Thelma always loose her glasses? > >  7. Just what is it about Daphne that makes her soo damned hot??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Impertinence, indeed!  That was seven questions.  However, your grovel } was acceptable, and your payment will be commensurate with the answer. } } 1. It's always wise to have a young puppy around to distract the }    monster while you make your getaway. } } 2. Methamphetamine.  Yes. } } 3. Scrappy had the same voice trainer as Whitney Houston.  Scooby had }    the same voice trainer as Barbara Walters. } } 4. Scooby and Shaggy always end up together, sometimes with Thelma when }    they split up.  Scooby, Shaggy and Thelma always check out the }    kitchen, while Fred and Daphne check out the bedroom.  Frankly, I }    think Fred should be powering up on Scooby snacks ahead of time. } } 5. The novelty shop owner usually ends up being one of the crooks in }    these episodes. } } 6. Because it would be really tasteless to have Daphne losing her }    dress. } } 7. Looks, style, wit, and brains?  She's got it all... no, wait... }    Well, one out of four isn't bad.  My personal theory: a lot of guys }    have a thing for redheads.  Her hair is a little closer to traffic }    barrel orange, but no one's perfect. } } You owe the Oracle a rubber mask, a Chop Suey dinner, a Casey Casem } autographed shirt like Shaggy used to wear, a van caught in a paint } factory explosion, and a scooby snack.  Lisa and I have to check } something out.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most pious, impervious purveyor of perfection; thou pleroma of > power; promoter of perspicuity and philanthropy; peruser of praise and > prostration; and perpetrator of poor puns, and, er... no, pitch that > last one. > > How many pecks of pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick? > Is it possible to pick peppers which were previously pickled? > Perhaps Peter purloined a peck of previously picked pickled peppers! > Or was it Peter who was pickled, opposed to the peppers, thereby > perverting the plot? > Possibly Peter picked the peppers planning to pickle them post-haste? > Was this, perchance, the same Piper who spirited away our progeny in a > parody of a parade when we wouldn't pay him for ridding our province of > pests?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                PIPER } }                             A new film }                           by Oliver Stone } } In this powerful portrayal, Oliver Stone uncovers another pestilence of } propaganda, exposing the popular preconception of the Peter Piper plot } as a perfectly paranoid promotion.  Who was Peter Piper?  How could } public view of his painful past have been prevented?  And what were the } possible truths behind his passionately pickled peppers? } } In the tradition of JFK, Nixon, and any other public persona purposely } proposed to be part of some paranoid plot, now the private parts of the } Piper story can be made public.  Perpetrate a peek at a playhouse near } you. } } You owe the Oracle some paper towels and a fresh bottle of screen } cleaner.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og get message! Og told by Or-a-kle that Og get digested! > > Og not want be digested! Og father be digested by big lizard! Og father > big pile of lizard poop! Og not want be digested! That hurt Og! > > How Og stop Or-a-kle Priests from digesting Og in future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thag here.  Oracle say Thag prob'ly not mess up Og question too bad. } } Thag not see Og bash head with rock.  Thag not see Og throw dirt on } head. Thag say, Og hit self with spiky club until eyes go black.  Thag } answer Og question anyway.  Thag nice guy.  Thag feel bad for Og } father. } } Thag present Top Many Way Og Not Get Digested. } } Many) Og grovel better.  Og not get zot, priests get bored. } Many) Og ask stupid question, not funny.  This one easy. } Many) Og send question "beavis".  Thag not know either, but it work. } Many) Og get Aborigine On-Line account. } Many) Og tell Oracle Og name "B1FF". } Some) Og ask boring question. } Some) Og go back, use Neanderthal spelling. } Few) Og not make list.  Priests like lists.  Thag take big risk for Og }      here. } Two) Og stay far from box-with-pictures.  Priests geeks.  Like box-with- }      pictures question. } } And number one way Og not get digested: } } One) Og ask Oracle woodchuck question.  Not get digested.  Get zot }      though. } } Og owe Thag many giant lizard.  Thag like get digested.