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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > Why are there floatation devices under airplane seats, and not > parachutes??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is simple, } } Parachuting out of a jet in the wrong place would cause you to get } sucked into the jet engine intake.  It's messy and the mechanics hate } it.  You'd be amazed at how powerful the airline mechanics' union is. } } You owe the Oracle round-trip bus tickets to Miami.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are "conquer" and "concur" homonyms and if so, why have a 'q'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}              "CONQUER" AND "CONCUR" ARE HOMONYMS! } } The Enquirer has learned that famed verbs "Conquer" and "Concur" } are linked in a hot homonymical relationship.  Both words have been } linked with other words in the past.  "Conquer"'s well known affair } with "Divide" was a showy public display of torrid abandon (who can } forget their kinky sexual saga outlined in last year's "She Stoops to } Conquer", still available in back issues), but that couple seems to } be broken up for good.  Meanwhile, "Concur", best known for recent } affirmations of solitude and self-satisfaction in "I, Concur", has } been spotted recently in repeated close company with "Conquer". } Sources say the two, who shared a common beginning as "cons", } have even begun to sound alike.  In the opinion of some linguists, } "Conquer"'s habit of expressing the middle consonant with a 'q' } represents not only a repressed desire to be close to "Concur", } but also a flamboyant flick of the wrist to the rules of homonymity. } Where will this relationship lead?  Stay with us -- inquiring minds } want to know! } } You owe the Oracle a promise not to believe everything you read.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Mighty Oracle, whose intelligence is beyond measure, whose > knowledge is boundless, whose wrath toward B*ll G*t*s knows know limit, > who is our one and only hope to ever be rid of those damn w**dch*cks, > whose feet a pathetic supplicant such as myself is unworthy to lick, > whose ZOT-ing is always judicious and fair, who never makes the coffee > too strong or too weak, who always knows whodunnit, whose actions > are the very definition of moral correctness, whose very being is > a presence to blind all who see him, who could solve the world's > problems in the blink of an eye (except that the world would be so > boring then), who is capable of understanding Frank Zappa but happens > to have more discriminating taste, who could effortlessly tune Big > Ben's one note that's a half step flat, who already knows who will > win the 1998 World Cup in France and the 2002 World Cup in Japan, > who surely had a good reason for letting the Twins decide to leave > Minnesota, who always has a pleasant odor about him which would make > any cologne manufacturer millions if s/he could only reproduce it, > who can conjugate irregular Italian verbs in the subjunctive, who could > crack a 2048-bit PGP key in his head and read the encoded message from > the screen, whose pencils are never dull and whose pens never run out > of ink, who can visualize an arbitrary number of spatial dimensions > (to say nothing of moving through them without needing Dramamine), > who is capable of articulating the elusive quantum nature of gravity, > in short, truly the Most Funky Being in the Universe.... > > ...please deign to answer a small question for this humble and > pathetic supplicant, who is a worm beneath your feet, who has the > mental capacities of a slug, the social graces of a rabid hyena, and > the entertainment value of a withered petunia.  I am a bug in your > code, a fly in your soup (as well as the annoying waiter who doesn't > care), I am the gook between the keys of your keyboard, and the gunk > that keeps your mouse from working correctly.  I am the mold on your > week-old cheese, the carbonation gone out of your carbonated beverages. > O Great One, I cannot debase myself enough in your presence. > > Please, O Oracle, answer me this question: > > When will... wait a minute, no, he already did. > > Ummm....Why does... no, that's not it either. > > Uhhhhh.... Where did I... no, I found that.  Hmmm. > > Darnit.  After all that grovelling, I can't remember the question. > Oh, well, sorry to have wasted your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooooh! *Nice* grovel! I mean, a really, really, *really* good grovel! } In fact, you are the: } } *****WINNER OF THE ORACLE GROVEL PRIZE OF 1997!!!!!!!!!***** } } You, groveling supplicant, have won the Oracle Grovel Prize of 1997! } You are awarded: } }         - $1,327,004.06 (in Swedish Kroners) }         - a lifetime supply of Turle Wax ("wax all the turles you }                 want!") }         - the soul of any atheist you want! }         - the entire profits of Micorsoft during 1998! }         - a free website *!*!*AND*!*!* free e-mail for a year! }         - the ability to *Zot* the SPAMMer of your choice (and what }                 will you choose? The ***EARN MONEY FAST*** SPAM or the }                 +++XXX HOT GIRLS WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU+++ SPAM?) }         - the Complete Frank Zappa CD set! (Including "Billy the }           Moutain"!) }         - the new line of "Oracle!", the new cologne! }         - the soul of Bill Gates ("Strech it! Pull it! Tie it into }                 knots!") }         - a PGP code that will drive the NSA crazy! }         - a new brand of Dramamine that will make you really, really }                 and I mean *really* stoned! }         - the ability to drive all French people out of Paris during }                 the New Year's celebration! }         - the right to (*shudder*) ask the Oracle the w**dch*ck }                 question WITHOUT BEING ZOTTED! }         - two free pitchers of marguaritas in Cheyenne, Wyoming! }         - a Springfield BM-59 7.62 NATO fully-automatic assualt rifle! }         - a mouse de-gunger! }         - and... a Tickle-Me-Funcy-Being Doll!!!!!!!! } } You, the supplicant-of-supplicants have won the Major Award!!! } } CONGRATULATIONS! } } Oh, and by the way, the answer to the question you forgot was: } }         "Yes... and no. The man of your dreams is a guy in the }          Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Acutally, he dreams about }          you often, too. In fact, last night he dreamt about you }          for several hours. The only problem is... he's a moose. }          But don't worry about that; that's a speciesist hang-up }          you have. He's a *good* moose, a kind moose. He would be }          a kind and loving husband. Also, he'd be a good kisser. }          Trust me on this one." } } You owe the Oracle another really good grovel like that one. I *needed* } a grovel like that one!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, strong and virile, > > What is myrrh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Myrrh is a type of funeral balm, used in the Middle East for centuries } for the burial rites.  It was very expensive - thus its importance in } the tale of the birth of Jesus.  All three of the gifts brought by the } wise men were among the most valuable items available at the time - } gold, frankincense (a kind of incense; again, very expensive), and } myrrh. } } Not exactly the kind of gifts you would expect someone to bring to a } baby shower - } } Wise Man #1: "I brought the baby gold!" } Mary: "Not very practical, but we'll buy him some nice things with it. } Thanks." } Wise Man #2: "I brought stinky burning stuff for the child!" } Mary: "Uh-huh.  Er, thanks, I think." } Wise Man #3: "Here ya go, I brought the kid some embalming fluid!" } Mary: "Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" } Joseph: "Why the hell do they call you guys *wise* men, anyway?" } } You owe the Oracle some decent gifts for Christmas.  Gold is good.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, no, not that one.  The -other- one!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, the Super Hyper Accentuated Gyro-stabilised Grande-vitesse } Extra Destruction staff of Zot? You wouldn't rather have a rap on } the knuckles with a 12" ruler? OK supplicant, your choice .....<*ZOT*>. } } (No grovel, no question - No mercy)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, there seems to be a tradition in the engineering > industry of taking people out to lunch on their last day when they > quit.  How did this tradition arise?  Are companies actually trying > to reward people for resigning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Once, in the olden days, a resigning employee left with the imprint } of his ex-boss firmly imprinted upon his backside.  Today, however, } the legions of management have developed subtler, more insidious } methods such treating an exiting employee to lunch.  This practice } simultaneously gives the quitting employee a pang of guilt ("Gosh, } they're not so bad after all") and increases his chance for a heart } attack (most restaurants serve high-fat, artery-clogging foods).  Thus, } the employees new company receives a worker that waxes nostalgic for } the "good old company" and hovers on the brink of cardiac arrest. } The original company both exacts revenge and sabotages its competitor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, please tell me why they say programming in java is > good if my computer dies whenever I pour coffee into it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It does?  Really? } } Apparently you don't have a Java-compatible computer.  Personally, I } use a Dell Brewmaster 4000, with a 36-speed percolator and a 21" (19.7" } viewable) pot.  You should get one - it's really powerful - it keeps } you up all night programming.  I've been up for 45 hours now, and I } feel great.  Really.  Make the computer stop brewing.  Please. } } You owe the Oracle some NyQuil.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The four kids were there by the broken glass when > Ron ran out. "Who did it?" he cried. >         "Not me," John told him. "It was Pete." >         "It wasn't Pete at all," said Sam. "John did it." >         Peter grinned. "Well, it wasn't me, and Ann didn't > do it either," he declared. >         Ann just said nothing, since Peter said she didn't > do it. >         In fact each boy made one true statement and one false. > One of the four was GUILTY!! > > Q: so which one??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The real truth of it is, while Sam may seem suspicious, it was none of } them.  It was, in all reality, Col. Mustard, in the billiard room, with } the lead pipe. } } You owe the Oracle some silver-free solder.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will be this summer ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sun will shine. The grass will grow. Children will get out of } school and burn down each others lemonade stands. Adults will still } work.  Pools will open. That guy down the street will 'THINK' about } taking down his christmas lights. Fireworks will be launched around } the midddle of summer. People will flock to new movies involving } new actors in old plots, with explosions and skimpy thong bikinis. } The republicans will blame the democrats for ruining this nation. } The demorcrats will ask for more money to continue doing it. The heat } will be intolerable everywhere except gnome alaska. People will get } tan lines (what? you say you never do? I am backing away from you } carefuly). Michigan will get a whole month of construction before it } snows again. A documentary on yaks and penguins will rock the world } as we know it. } } And that my friend is but a small sampling of what will be in this } coming summer. } } You owe the oracle a glass of lemonade, three tons of sand, a cd of } wave noises, and a heat lamp.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> -- > Senior Computing Specialist > School of Nursing > University of Washington

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Demoted to Junior Computing Generalist, Washington State.