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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where am I? > Who am I speaking to? > Come to think of it WHO am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right, let's address these in order (although I *should* require } you to step back into the queue for each separate item... but it's } been a slow day, so I'll let it go this once): } } First: our records show that the silver cord connected to your } astrally-projected image in our lobby is dialing in from a small } island just offshore of Toledo, Ohio. If this is not correct, please } consult your network shaman for a complete exorcism-and-reconnection, } as faulty node information may be an indication of demonic posession. } } Second: you have reached the offices of Oracle, Sybil, Delphos, Pythia } & Prang, PLC. The Oracles are presenting a case before the Old Bailey } at the moment; please press ONE if this is a routine inquiry that } can safely be ignored by our voicemail system. Press TWO if this is } a matter of some importance that can still be safely ignored by our } voicemail system. Press THREE if this is a matter of dire emergency and } you would like to leave a message that we probably won't listen to. } If you would like to be shuffled through our labyrinthine switching } system in the vain hope of speaking to another human being for a few } seconds before being transferred to a barber shop in Kuala Lumpur, } please stay on the line. } } Third: your /finger information indicates that you are a small flat } bit of scaly bark from a tree of the genus *juniperus*. You contain } many useful chemical compounds and your berries are a principal } ingredient in gin. } } If any of the preceding information has been incorrect or less than } helpful, we advise you to call the Oracle's Customer Service line } at 1-888-APOLLO1.  Your bill comes to three pineapples and a promise } not to pick that scab.  Thank you and come again!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, I'll bite.  Please tell me about Navajo "crunchy bead soup".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a Navajo custom to stew a tasty broth with a base of woodchuck, } chopped into bite-sized "beads." } I often prefer to substitute supplicants who see fit to overlook a } grovel. *ZOT* } If you could only find a way out of that boiling water, you would owe } the Oracle some croutons and a spoon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, How can I establish a gateway or link or > connection from an Oracle 7.3 server to a Microsoft SQL Server.  I have > installed the Oracle Transparent gateway and have not had success in > connecting to the SQL Server.  iefbtI can ping the source server. > > My environment is Windows NT 4.0, could this be the source of the > problem. Most of the information in the Oracle home page associates > the Transparent Gateway with Windows NT 3.51.  Is there a solution > available to assist me in connecting SQL server to Oracle? > > Please give me some hope!  Signed helpless

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An Oracle 7.3 server? Must be one of my bastard offspring. Not to } worry, just follow the instructions below. } } HOW TO ESTABLISH A GATEWAY } On the darkest night of the year, take the servers to a deserted place } far from the city. There you must clear a circle with a diameter of } three times your height. Place the servers in this area. Note: the } servers must be exactly 3.649 meters apart. Now, dig a shallow hole } halfway between the servers, and fill it with tequilla. This will be } your gateway. Now get some wire, and string it between the two servers } (attaching it to any handy projections), allowing it to drape through } the hole of tequilla. Next you must do a rain dance. Dance until great } black thunderheads fill the sky above you. Dance until lightning is } dancing with you. Dance until the storm is tearing at you.  Now stick } your head in the hole. The servers will be struck by lightning, } and your gateway will be established. You will see many things. } } If your enviroment is Winows NT 4.0, it is definately the source of } the problem and you need to get out more often. } } You owe the Oracle a Vacuum tube.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, whose knowledge is to the H-Bomb as the > pen is to the sword, > > Like, I was reading, and I read that the value of the US market for > electricity was $200 Billion.  And I guessed I could handle that > 'cause that's about $2/person/day or something. > > But then I read about Legal Gambling in the US. > That's worth $300 billion.  People spend more in my country > on gambling than electricity...On purpose. > > I wanted your opinion on a speculative business venture: > Hi-stakes electricity!  I'll send people nasty-plush red velour > envelopes with bills in them - and sometimes (but not always) > I'll turn their power on and off in relation to whether they pay. > > Will it work? ..I know you don't like more than one question, > but do you think it efficacy is dependent on trained tigers, > standup comedians, and a distribution network in mini-marts? > > Call me cheap, but I don't think I can front for the free drinks > and loss-leader buffet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm very much in awe of your ability to reason through this possible } business venture. } } But it won't work. } } Remember why people go gambling - to get a BIG payoff.  It's not } getting back what they paid for, it's the winning of 1.274 million } dollars on a single pull of a "Quartermania" slot machine that makes } them go to Caesars. } } So, let's draw the analogy to electricity.  You send out all of your } plush velour envelopes (a cute touch, by the way...), you get the } money back, you draw the lucky bill from the pile, and give all the } electricity to that one bill-payer.  Meanwhile across the entire } country all the houses are dark except for one, where, in one pulse: } - all the lightbulbs flash and burn out } - the TV explodes in a small mushroom cloud } - the microwave puts out enough energy that a small flock of birds } perched on a tree outside the kitchen are fried to a golden-brown } - the ceiling fan takes off and threatens air traffic in the area } (there would be phone reports of a UFO, but the phone company has no } power) } - the CD-ROM on the computer? Forget 12X.  Try 95639850234X! } And this all happens just before the house and the power lines } suddenly burst into flames and molten copper drips to the ground. } } Sure it's cool, but would you pay for that?  OK, the folks in New } England at the moment might... } } You do, however, owe the Oracle an alternative to ConEd.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: Internet Oracle > From: Thag > Re: Recent questions from supplicants > > As you know, I was recently hired to handle the questions from > supplicants who are hominid ancestors of modern human supplicants, > including Austrolopithicenes, Homo erectus, Homo sapiens neanderthalis, > et al. > > The questions are fairly basic (usually involving fire, food, sex and > ways not to get eaten by large bears). Despite the tortured syntax > of some of the questions, many of the grovels are pretty good, > considering how little some of the supplicants have to work with. > I haven't had to use the Large Spikey Club of Zot that you provided > more than a half-dozen times. > > What is becoming a problem, however, is that the gifts are piling up. > According to the memo you sent me last July, I am free to demand > whatever payment from these supplicants as I deem fit. I've tried to > make these demands simple, which has resulted in a fairly high (98.4%) > delivery rate. In fact, leaving out the goofy, impossible-to-get items > (such as Gonawandaland), the delivery rate is nearly 100%. > > Which brings me to the problem: Just exactly what am I supposed to do > with 124,500 metric tons of wooly mammoth meat, 1,492 live sabertooth > tigers, several million poorly-made stone axes, a lifesize carving of > the fertility goddess, 16 matched pairs of eohippi and (how Og managed > this one, I'll never understand) the Asian-North American land bridge? > > Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Thag, } } Oh dear. I can see your predicament - it's a bit of a tough one, isn't } it? Well, I've thought about this and have come to the following } conclusion: no-one but other cavemen (and their slightly-more-hairy } relatives) would be able to make use of these items.. so why not give } them back? Okay, so you'd lose out, but imagine the chaos which would } ensue if you let the situation go on. } } However, this isn't one of my better suggestions, is it? How are you } meant to transport the cargo to its destination - and what if the } cavemen object to you returning their well-meant gifts? } } Right. *This* should work, though I should warn you: you'll need to } wait a bit. } } First, dig a very, very big hole next to the bridge. Round } up your eohippi and march them onto the bridge. Take some mammoth } meat and scatter it liberally about - there should easily be enough } meat to go from one side of the bridge to the other. You have now } constructed a lure for the tigers. } } The tigers walk along the bridge, busily eating the meat, and get } extremely bloated and slow as they travel. They will therefore soon } need a jolly long kip. Meanwhile, the eohippi will have been scared } enough to start a stampede. If you have positioned the tigers and } eohippi correctly, the eohippi should race around frantically as they } try to escape - first approaching the hole and then the sleeping } tigers. Eventually they will march in panic over the tigers, hence } killing them. That's the tigers out of the way - meanwhile, you now } have a herd of eohippi running the wrong way. } } You should have positioned the statue of the fertility goddess on the } other side of the bridge. The eohippi may be simple-minded creatures, } but they know bad art when they see it - they'll run screaming in the } other direction and into the hole. And that's the end of them. } } You still have the statue, a lot of axes and a fair bit of mammoth } meat. I suggest you do the following: nothing. The mammoth meat } (er - and the tiger meat) will naturally break down and will make a } rich fertiliser. Trees, grass, flowers and assorted shrubs will } soon cover the entire area. Trust me, in many millions of years time, } this area will become a curiosity for hoardes of excited scientists, } who will analyze and digitize the axes with glee. } } So you've now put all of those free gifts to use - you should feel } proud; given enough time, nature will always find a solution, but it } always helps to add a bit of mystery. } } P.S. I forgot the statue! Arrghh! Let's hope a passing troupe of } extra-terrestrials take it as a souvenir of their stay on Planet } Earth. } } Phew! I need a lie down after all that.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, who knows all holidays and celebrates them constantly, > please enlighten your humble supplicant: > > What do I do with my Christmas tree now that Christmas is over?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: <N> }    Dear Supplicant. }    Himself is sleeping off last night's Canasta game with a } couple of Valkyries, but here in our bunker far below Indiana, } these are some of the things _we've_ done with our office trees } in years past: } }  '97  Left it where it was  and used it as a fragrant habitrail }       for our termite colony. }  '96  Kept it as a perch for our calling birds, French hens, }       turtle doves, and partridge once the pear tree had died }       from lack of watering. }  '95  Played  hide-and-go-seek with the office kittycats. }  '94  Scoured used bookstores for the Euell Gibbons cookbook. }       and presented it to the cafeteria staff. }  '93  Flipped lit matches at it.  (Carole Fungaroli won the }       office pool!) }  '92  Elected it Vice President. }  '91  Flung ourselves upon it, naked, to see if acupuncture }       does any good.  (It didn't, but we came up with several }       creative answers for supplicants.) }  '90  Kept it decorated as "Santa Bait" to see if, just maybe, }       he would come more than just once a year.  Negatory. }  '89  Borrowed  a woodchuck and... oh never mind. }  '88  Got a head start on whittling _next_ year's presents. }  '87  Flirted briefly with Fundamentalist Druidism. }  '86  Snatched cast off trees from neighbors' rubbish piles }       and decorated in a tasteful "Birnham Wood comes to the }       Cubicle Warren" motif. }                                            omniciently, }                                                 <N>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All seeing, all knowing omnipotent one, this is a question that has > been bugging me for a while.. > > If the budget for "Starship Troopers" was so high, how come they > couldn't afford seperate male and female changing rooms and showers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is a problem related to interstellar transport and contact with } other species, that of 'shower room creep'.  Put simply, as the human } race comes in contact with alien species of more and more complicated } reproductive behaviour, the number of showers required to keep all } possible genders separate increases exponentially.  After all, it } doesn't make sense to have your megachron semi uncle cross-cousin } sharing a shower with your twice removed grandsonmothersuperior while } all of your semi-furtlebated munchkin aunts share with your younger } brother.  That would be plain silly.  By the time the human race ended } up converting one planet out of three into a giant shower complex, it } was universally decided to dump the whole idea of segregrated showers. } } Throwing all genders and species together does cause its own problems, } however, due to the huge number of body shapes and complex social } customs, but that wasn't your question. } } You can repay The Oracle by volunteering one of your body orifaces for } me to hide my crundible which I soap up my frond drippers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. O. R. Acle, > >   It has come to our attention that your subscription to BIG CHICKS > WITH BIGGER STAFFS (TM) has expired without renewal. Obviously, when a > customer of over thirteen millenia such as yourself takes away his > custom, we at Lusty Deities, Inc. take it seriously. > >   On the chance that this is represents nothing but an unfortunate > mischance, we are offering you 50% off the normal subscription cost. To > take advantage of this offer, simply contact us as soon as possible. > >   However, if you have chosen to allow your subscription to lapse, we > would very much like to know what has changed to cause your loss in > interest. Our records do show that you complained when we dropped the > "Kinky ZOT" feature, but as you renewed your subscription fifty times > since then, I feel sure that there must be something else. > >   Thank you for your time, > >   (signed) >   I. Fehner >   Editor in Chief >   BIG CHICKS WITH BIGGER STAFFS >   "Quality Masculine-Aspect Deity Entertainment -- >   Since Before Time had Meaning"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thankyou for you letter, i had failed to realise that the subscription } had laspsed, please restart commencing with the next issue

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificent Oracle, whose words I'm not worthy > to cross... > > I'm working on a crossword puzzle.  6 down is a > six letter word for "omnicient being."  Any idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, I'd be only too happy to help.....HANG ON! } I RECOGNISE THAT VOICE! Zadoc! Didn't I tell you to clean out } the stables? } } > Curses! You can't get away with anything when your boss is } > omnipotent! } } Why aren't you shovelling sh*t right now? I may not pay wages, } but you get all the Communion wine you can drink. Which in your } case led to me having to build a new cellar. } } > Master, I figured that since your incarnation is probably writing } > this response in his employer's time, such procrastination was } > not frowned upon so much these days. } } Hmm...you do have a point there, Zadoc. I'm going to have to } consult. Oh and Zadoc? } } > Master? } } Go and clean out the stables, would you? } }   Date: Thu, 15 Jan 1998 09:43:14 }   From: oracle }   To: kinzler }   Subject: I need your help } }   Steve, I'm having a bit of a dilemma here. Zadoc claims that since }   all my incarnations take place on somebody else's time, he can }   do what he wants on my time. Meanwhile the horses are up to their }   knees in sh*t. What should I do? } }       Orrie } }   Date: Thu, 15 Jan 1998 10:06:21 }   From: kinzler }   To: oracle }   Subject: Re: I need your help } }   Orrie, }     Don't bother me right now. You can sort that sort of thing }   out yourself. I'm doing a crossword puzzle. Omnicient being, }   six letters. First letter 'O', third letter 'A'. What do you }   reckon? } }         Steve } }   Date: Thu, 15 Jan 1998 10:06:22 }   From: oracle }   To: kinzler }   Subject: Re: Re: I need your help } }   I reckon this means you've got at least two more clues }   than Zadoc has so far. } }      Orrie } }   Thu, 15 Jan 1998 10:07:41  rec.humor.oracle.d     Thread  1 of   1 }   Lines 58                  Anyone want a bot?          No responses }   kinzler@cs.indiana.edu                               Steve Kinzler } }   Anyone want to take over the running of the running of the Oracle? }   I've had enough.. } }     Steve

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og here.  Og rub lizard dung in hair, not eat for days.  Not see > friends, either.  Og lie with face on cold ground before O-ra-kul. > > Og read O-ra-kul-arity 972-05.  See Stanford geek pretend be Og.  Og > angry. Og not Stanford geek.  Og mighty hunter!  Big!  Strong!  Og live > in Midwest. > > Og ask:  How Og get back Og reputation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Og silly mortal. Og try to fool mighty omniscient Oracle. Og make } mistake. Og start several sentences with word other than 'Og'. Og is } fake Og. Og pretending to be Og. Og realises mistake. Og pees pants. } Og not mighty hunter. Og silly Midwestern geek. Og standing in smelly } pool of yellow liquid.  Og watch Oracle push button. Og reappear in } primeval dawn. Og holding club. } } Og not eat for days. Og hungry. Og go looking for McDonalds. Og not } find McDonalds. Og find small flat frog. Og desperate. Og kill } small flat frog.  Og joyous at kill. Og not realise frog stepped on } by dinosaur three days before. Og still hungry. Og go looking for } microwave oven. Og not find microwave oven. Og find flat rock heated } by sun. Og sit on rock. Og burn backside. Og think several hours. } Og put frog on rock. Og watch frog cook.  Og eat frog. Og joyous. } Og not realise watching warthog laughing at Og. Og hear loud noise. } Og see dinosaur. Og believe Og kill small frog. Og believe Og mighty } hunter. Og raise club. Og threaten dinosaur. Og see dinosaur panic. } Og see dinosaur flee. Og believe dinosaur scared, Og believe Og big } fierce hunter. Og joyous. Og dance victory dance. Og see much larger } dinosaur with big pointy teeth approaching at speed. Og pee pants. } Og run.  Og see dinosaur slip in urine. Og see dinosaur split head } open on rock. Og see chance.  Og dance victory dance on dinosaur. } Og see blinding flash of light. } } Og reappear in present. Og see McDonalds. Og still hungry. Og go } McDonalds.  Og order ten packet fries. Og asked if Og want fries } with that. Og angry.  Og think McDonalds worker less intelligent } than Og. (Og right) Og still have club. Og club McDonalds worker. } Og in trouble. Og taken by police.  Og suddenly liberated by Animal } Rights Activists. Og big hero. Og tell Animal Rights Activists } about frog. Og not big hero. Og thrown out of car. Og walk street. } Og see party. Og thirsty. Og think "party = drinks".  Og go party. } Og notice party fancy dress party. Og win big prize. Og told lizard } dung in hair deciding factor. Og joyous. Og dance victory dance. } Og sing. Og offered recording contract. Og gets rocks off with } female guests. Og big hero. Og reputation saved. } } Og owe Oracle recipe for sun-baked frog.