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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They wanted to hit im and kill im.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Violent envy between words and word forms is not uncommon.  As soon as } ain't was born, am and not vowed to destroy it, soliciting the } assistance of I'm.  Ain't survived only by the assistance of informal } usage, and to this day is not accepted in formal English.  When verb } had the audacity to declare itself a verb as well as a noun, let alone } a verb that acts on nouns, a good majority of the parts of speech } descriptors were in an uproar, including but not limited to noun, } adjective, adverb, and even participle.  And while hoity-toity is just } about dead of old age, one can't help but suspect foul play.  (How one } got such a notion is beyond me; numbers rarely fraternize with other } adjectives, particularly silly ones.) } } Contractions continue to be the victims of formism, even after Word War } II and the Merriam-Webster Treaty.  Some, a noted statesword, believes } formism is dead, and that we live in a kinder, gentler vocabulary. } Formism is actually being held in an underground dictionary, known as } the Clue Crux Cant (CCC). } } They has always been strongly opposed to they're, and would, } subsequently, have similar feelings about I'm.  They recently returned } from a three-year vacation in India, studying Hindi and the rich } language diversity of the nation.  They claims to have experienced rich } spiritual growth, and is now a strong advocate for abolishing formism. } They's previous followers and enemies alike are skeptical of they's new } stance, given they's previous public formist speeches and actions } against words such as I'm. } } You owe the Oracle word peace.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most skillful and experienced Oracle, whose lovers can never believe > their luck, please tell me something... > > I got an email circular advertizing a food-supplement that would make > me have "SEX LIKE YOU'RE 18 AGAIN!!!" > > However I was a virgin at 18, so I don't really know what to expect. > > So, I realize it was a long time ago for you, but then you do have a > perfect memory, so please tell me, what is sex like when you're 18?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DearsupplicantthanksforwritinghopethisanswersyourQUESTION!!!! } } You owe the Oracle a cigarette.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, why do we have two rival organizations both trying > to be the professional association for computer workers?  (I speak, of > course, of the ACM and the IEEE Computer Society.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ladies and gentlemen! For one night only! This Saturday night! } The most collosal, stupendest, grudge match of the millenium!!!! } }         _______     ______   ________  ________  ___         ________ }        /\      \   /\     \ /\       \/\       \/\  \       /\       \ }       /  \      \ /  \     \  \       \ \       \ \  \     /  \       \ }      /    \______\    \_____\  \_______\ \_______\ \__\   /    \_______\ }     /     /  __   \   /     |  /       / /       / /  /  /     /       / }    /     /  /\ \  |  /  /|  |\/____   / /  _____/ /  /  /     /  _____/ }   /     /  /__\/  / /  / |  |     /  / /  //     /  /  /     /  /___\ }  /     /  __   __/ /  /\ |  |    /  / /  //     /  /__/     /       / } /     /  /  \  \  /  /__\/  /   /  / /  //     /  /   \    /  _____/ } \    /  /\  /  / /  ____   /   /  / /  / \    /  /_____\  /  /___\ }  \  /  /__\/  / /  /\  /  /\  /  / /  /   \  /         / /       / }   \/_________/\/__/  \/__/  \/__/\/__/     \/_________/\/_______/ }              ______  _____       _______  __   __  _____ }             /\     \/\    \     /\      \/\ \ /\ \/\    \ }            /  \_____\ \____\    \ \______\ \_\  \_\ \____\ }           /   / __  / / ___/     \/__  __/ / /  / / / ___/ }          /   / / / / / /_\      /   / /   / /_\/ / / /_\ }         /   / / / / / ___/     /   / /   / ___  / / ___/ }         \  / /_/ / / /         \  / /\  / /  / / / /_\ }          \/_____/\/_/           \/_/  \/_/ \/_/\/____/ }           ____    ____  _________  ______      _____        _________ }          /\   \  /\   \/\        \/\     \    /\    \      /\        \ }         /  \   \/  \   \ \        \ \     \  /  \    \    /  \        \ }        /    \___\   \___\ \________\ \_____\/    \____\  /    \________\ }       /     /   |   /   / /        / /      \    /     \/     /        / }      /     /    |  /   / /   _____/ /   _    |  /   _   \    /   _____/ }     /     /     | /   / /   / \    /   / |   | /   / |   |  /   / \ }    /     /      |/   / /   /___\  /   / /   / /   /  /   / /   /___\ }   /     /       /   / /        / /   /_/   / /   /  /   / /        / }  /     /   /       / /   _____/ /      ___/ /   /  /   /\/____    / } /     /   /|      / /   / \    /      |    /   /  /   /   \  /   / } \    /   / |     / /   /___\  /   /|  |   /   /_/    /\____\/   / }  \  /   /\ |    / /        / /   / |  |  /         /  /        / }   \/___/  \|___/\/________/\/___/ \|__|\/________/  \/________/ } } Live at the Oakland Collesium!! } } See GRIBBLE THE GEEK taking DORANCE THE DWEEB as these } TITANS OF TABULATION grapple for King of the HEAP. } } Then feel the thrill of raw number crunching power when } Percy's Pentium is demolished by THE CALCULATOR'S } }               v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v }          > > >  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v < < < }        > > >                                         < < < }       > > >     M  O  N  S  T  E  R       V  A  X     < < < }        > > >                                         < < < }          > > >  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^ < < < }               ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^ } } IT'S AN ALGORITHMIC EXPERIENCE THAT IS TOTALLY OUT OF THIS WORLD!!! } } Get your tickets at all BASS outlets. } } IT"S A MEGAFLOPPING FLEGAMIPPING EVENT YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS!! } } ONE NIGHT ONLY!     BATTLE OF THE NERDS!!!!! } } BE THERE!...BE THERE!...Be There...be there...there...there...there

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Priests, priest, you are the best! > On your knees, above the rest! > Priests who I am unworthy to shine your clothes, > lick your pets clean, or unroll your garden hose. > Might sorter of humor from drivel, > I ask you now to listen while I snivel: > >         I really want to know, why DO you guys >         hang around that oracle lUser? I mean, >         all you guys, including Zadoc, take way >         to much abuse.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, your eyes are blind } to higher pleasures kith and kind } The wonders of Oracular slavery } rise way beyond mere human bravery } } To be a priest, your mind must turn } To things beyond the mortal yearn } To learn all you wish to know } read and think on the lines below } } Priests love grovelling, priests love pain } We live for suffering, loss and rain. } We thrive on grief, and gorge on quips, } we all wear leather, and love our whips. } } You owe the Oracular priesthood something cool to hang off our nipple } rings.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, sage of the age, who knows all and is willing to tell it > like it is, please tell me... > > For years now, we've had all these caffine-free, salt-free and fat-free > products on the grocery store shelves. What do the food processors > do with all that caffine, salt and fat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I'll have the caffine, salt, and fat extra value meal please." } } "You want fries with that?"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Your Most Royal Majesty Firm But Fair And Judiciously Sound > One-Vote-For-All-And-All-For-One Right Honourable Comrade Oracle > > What if governments were selected the same way as juries?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm. } } Let's see - } } The government would be deadlocked for months, trying to reach just one } rational decision. } Government officials would be insulated from the outside world. } The guilty would go unpunished, while victims would be left to their } own devices. } There would be no such thing as personal responsibility, since } everything would be someone else's fault. } } Not much difference at all, I'm afraid. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to the polls.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ======================================================================== > CERTS Advisory CA-98.42 > Jan 08, 1998 > > Topic: o1k problems in Internet Oracularities software > > The text of this advisory was originally released on Jan 07, 1998, > as OERT Advisory OE-98.01, developed by the Oracular Computer > Emergency Response Team. Because of the seriousness of the problem, we > are reprinting the OERT advisory here with their permission. Only > the contact information at the end has changed: OERT contact > information has been replaced with CERTS/CC contact information. As > usual, we will place updated information in a README file > (ftp://info.certs.org/pub/certs_advisories/CA-98.42.README). > > Note: The vulnerability described in this advisory will be actively > exploited. > > ======================================================================== > > The Oracular Computer Emergency Response Team (OERT) has received > information that code, as found in the software used for creating > Internet Oracularities, contains a security vulnerability.  Programs > using this code may be vulnerable to attack. > > OERT recommends that sites that have installed any program > incorporating the vulnerable code apply one of the workarounds > as described in Section 3. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > 1.  Description > >     A security vulnerability has been reported in example >     Oracularities code. > >     * Any zottings in Internet Oracularities #1000 may be redirected >       to anyone or anything, including the Oracle {him|her|it}self, >       Steve Kinzler, Socks Clinton, Lisa's jewel case, (and you don't >       have to be omniscient to predict that she'll get mad if all her >       jewelry is melted), the MIR and indiana.edu's mailserver. > >     * Any mentioning of woodchucks in Internet Oracularities #1000 >       will result in having the Temple of Oracularities filled with >       mutant zot-resistant rodents. > >     * Any complaints of no groveling in Internet Oracularities #1000 >       will result in having the incarnation haunted by mutant >       zot-resistant insurance salesmen. > >     * Any poems or songs in Internet Oracularities #1000 will result >       in having the Temple of Oracularities filled with mutant >       zot-resistant singing Smurfs. > >     * Any mentioning of any-coloured fighting fish in Internet >       Oracularities #1000  will result in having the Temple of >       Oracularities flooded. > >     * Any misspelling of Kirsten's name in Internet Oracularities >       #1000 will result in severe complaints to rec.humor.oracle.d. > >     * Any fee in Internet Oracularities #1000 will be payed _from_ >       the Oracle _to_ the supplicant. > >     * Any mentioning of Bill Gates, MicroSoft or Windows* in Internet >       Oracularities  #1000 will result in forcing the incarnation to >       use MS-products 24 hours a day for the rest of {his|her|its} >       life. > > 2.  Impact > >     Internet Oracularities #1000 may result in a disaster. > > 3.  Workarounds > >     The use of certain oracular library calls (including zot(), >     complain() and fee()) in security critical code has been a >     notorious source of security vulnerabilities.  Good security >     coding practice usually dictates that easily exploitable system or >     library calls should not be used. > >     Sites planning to install or write their own oracular programs are >     encouraged to read the references in Section 4 first. > >     3.1.  Remove Oracular programs > >         This will of course solve the problem, but it will also >         create a new problem:  The Oracle will no longer be able to >         answer questions.  As a lot of people are depending on the >         Oracle to give them advice, this will result in several >         suicides (however, the number of *zot* wounds will >         decrease), a lot of over-worked psychologists and will give >         any stupid swindler a new opportunity to MAKE.MONEY.FAST. > >     3.2.  Rewrite Oracular programs > >         OERT recommends that sites which are currently using CGI >         programs which use shell-based library calls (such as zot()) >         consider rewriting these programs to remove direct calls to >         easily compromised library functions. > >     3.5         Remove suid-bits from oracular programs. >         This will make it more difficult to delegate work to others, >         (unless you really want to give Zadoc the Password) but it >         will be much more secure. Alternatively, you can have a look >         at sudo, or something similar. > >     3.4.  Take care to avoid potential dangerous answers > >         As there is often a significant delay between submission of >         an answer and the digestion, these precautions should be >         taken to all answers that may be digested until Internet >         Oracularities #1001. (And as the priests' sense of humour >         may be a bit weird at times _all_ answers may be digested.) > >         * Avoid Zotting. (Or if you get really mad, zot them without >           telling them what you are going to do.  After all they'll >           find that out soon enough.  Alternatively you can just zot >           Zadoc after finishing your answer. >         * Get that woodchuck filter up and working _now_! >         * Don't answer any questions without proper groveling before >           Oracularities #1001 is published. >         * Same with questions containing poems or references to >           fish.  (You'd better send Paul and all his diciples on >           vacation to somewhere far away from any computer.  Iran >           should work well.) >         * Have Kirsten change her name to something easier to spell. >         * Take care when demanding fees.  For example 'You owe the >           Oracle a black eye' should work well.  (Of course if that >           particular answer isn't digested, or get into another >           digest, you've got a problem. >         * Make sure Bill Gates are out of buisniess before #1000 is >           selected > >         If you really need to break those rules, there are >         however a few tricks you can use to avoid geting selected: > >         * Add 'http://www.hotmail.com/' at the end of your answer. >         * 3L1T3 style spelling. >         * Answer only with '*ZOT*' > >         This is however not secure. > > 4.  Additional measures > >     Numerous resources relating to oracular security are available. >     The following pages provide a useful starting point.  They include >     links describing general oracular security, secure orried setup >     and secure oracular programming. > >         The Oracular Security FAQ: >            http://www.eecs.uindiana.edu/WWW/faqs/orrie-security-faq.html > >         NSCA's "Security Concerns with the Oracle" Page: >            http://haahaa.ncsa.uiac.edu/security/oracle.html > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > OERT thanks no one, because we want to get all the honour for this > ourselves. > ======================================================================== > > OERT Contact Information > ------------------------ > If you believe that your system has been compromised, don't bother > contacting the OERT Coordination Center or your representative in the > Liga of Arrogant Security Teams (LAST). > > We strongly urge you not to encrypt any sensitive information you send > by email. That would just give us extra work. > The OERT Coordination Center can not support a shared DES key and PGP. > Avoid contacting the OERT staff for more information. > > Location of CERTS PGP key >          ftp://localhost/dev/zero > > Email    postmaster@langnese.nvg.unit.no > > Phone    Don't call us - we'll call you. > > Postal address >         OERT Coordination Center >         Oracular Engineering Institute >         Indiana University > > OERT advisories and bulletins are also posted on the USENET newsgroup >         oracle.security.announce > > OERT is a service mark of University of Indiana.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, wait a minute, this isn't a question! I won't stand for it! } }       >>>   ZOT!   <<< } } (Lisa in background): My best shoes! (In the well known Lisa "Voice of } Death"(tm)) ORRIE!!!!! } } You owe the Oracle a couch and enough flowers to make that whole } Princess Di thing look like a Spice Girls press conference.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, > why has haiku suddenly > become so trendy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poet supplicant } in answer to your query } haiku is just cool } } it is rumored that } many fierce haiku battles } are fought by e-mail } } syllables counted } words considered and chosen } and haiku let fly } } sharp edged poetry } verbal obliteration } to destroy the foe } } Now, mortal, although } you thought your lack of grovel } was not noticed : **ZOT** } } Pay the Oracle } a twenty stanza grovel } in the style of Poe

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, answer my cries. > > I totally love alt.cesium on USENET. > But I'm British and very proud. I find it unthinakable that I > can patronise a group that perverts the English language so. > Cesium should really be spelt csium or at the very least as > caesium to comply with 7bit ASCII. > > What should I do mighty Oracle? > Can I reconcile my my superior British spelling and standards > with my love of nonsense and malarkey? Help me I beg. > >     dMMMM .aMMMb  dMP.aMMMb  dMP.aMMMb.aMMMMb  dMP.aMMMb .aMMMb >     .aMMMb dMPdMMMM >    dMP   dMP"VMPadMPdMP"VMPadMPdMP"VMPMP >    .PP"adMPdMP"VMPdMP"dMPdMP"dMPadMPdMP

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Firstly supplicant; STOP EATING THE BEEF!! "dMP VMMP.dPMMP dMP" doesn't } mean anything anywhere in the universe (apart from the third planet of } the Phrygrianne constellation where it is an old proverb that says "The } Prince Regent's ears are very large."). } } If you're worried about anything in the world, and you're British, then } there's an easy solution. Simply 'donate' one million pounds to The } Labour Party, and lo and behold, within days an 'Internet Censorship } and Proper Naming of Newsgroups' law will be passed. Tony Blair will } then leave the country to visit The Whitehouse, The Kremlin, The } Gikaigikan, Saks Fifth Avenue, and Indiana to encourage the entire free } world that there is some obscure reason why the newsgroup should be } called 'alt.caesium'. } } You then leak stories of your donation to the tabloid press (this works } much better if you have big tits). The Labour Party will be embarrassed } into returning your 'donation' but will keep on working on your behalf } because otherwise it will be too obvious that it was a bribe. And } within weeks all your problems will be solved. By the laws of the } conservation of problems, equal but opposite problems will have been } created for the Labour Party, but there's no election for years so that } can be conveniently ignored. } } You owe The Oracle a few strong arm tactics on Jackie Stewart to make } him shut up about sponsorship.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OG'S GET SPEAR QUICK METHOD > > Og here. Og know good way get many spears. Og share this with > you cause Og like you. Og's plan works like this. Og gave one > spear to each Og on list. Og then remove top name. Og next put > his name at bottom of list. Og then send list to you. Og say > is it so much to risk giving many spears away. Og say you get > many more back when you pass list on. > > One    Og, big cave by little waterfall > Two    Og, big cave by little waterfall > Three  Og, big cave by little waterfall > Many   Og, big cave by little waterfall > > Og say send your spears now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle notice same Og in all four positions.  Oracle wonder if Og } cheating.  Oracle remember honesty best policy.  Oracle spot flaw } in program.  Oracle notice exponential growth, limited population. } Oracle think program fail after few iterations.  (Oracle hope Og not } bothered by big technical terms.) } } Oracle see additional flaw in program.  Oracle not good at catching } spears.  Oracle hope Og better catcher than Oracle.  Oracle ask, how } many spears Og get so far?  Oracle afraid Oracle need bigger closet } if program successful.  Oracle throw four spears to Og, see how good } program is. } } Og owe Oracle big pointy rock buildings in Egypt.