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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who never has nightmares... > > What was *your* most memorable dream?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never has nightmares??? Why, I could tell you a tale of a certain dream } involving Edgar Allen Poe, a woodchuck, The San Francisco Treat and... } but I digress. That wasn't your question, was it? } } Having lived for several thousand years, averaging three dreams a } night, and being the most creative being on the planet (if I do say } so Myself) one would expect me to have a large field to draw upon. } But it wasn't until I started keeping a Dream Diary back in the Sixties } (sorry, that's the 1760's) that I actually remember any of them. } Even a brain as commodious as mine has to perform housekeeping once } in a while. } } Say, what's your clearance level anyway? Some of this stuff is } pretty... sensitive. Let's just check the records - aaahh, Supplicant } Level Taupe. So I can't tell you about that one... Or that one... } That one has actually happened since then... That one involves concepts } that would drive you insane...  That one won't be publishable until } the Board of Censors drops acid in 2002...  Hmmmph. Let me tell you } about my Twelfth Most Memorable Dream. } } I'm walking down a long corridor. There is fog in the corridor, but } that seems normal. Suddenly, out of the mist emerges Zadoc, wearing } an ornate crown and bizarrely decorated robes. "Bow down before me!" } he cries, "I'm in charge now!" } } "Zadoc," I replied, "Get back in your own head. I'm busy." } } "Erk!" He said, obviously taken aback, "Errr... I'll be going then." } And with that, he disappeared into the mist, muttering something about } ripping pages out of my Dream Diary in the morning. I continued on, } down the long, featureless corridor. } } Suddenly, it's my fourteenth birthday party and I'm not wearing any } pants.  Seizing the initiative, I point at someone at random (Otis, } as it happens) and cry, "He's got pants on!" and start laughing. } Everybody joins in, and nobody comments on my state of deshabille. } I make a mental note to bear this in mind if it ever happens again. } } I know I have to be somewhere urgently, but I can't get a cab. } I start running, and in a blur I'm outside the Oracular Temple. } But the doors are locked and I know they've started without me. } I get really, really angry... } } Then I woke up and found most of the Priests cowering behind makeshift } barricades, while all my bedroom furniture burned merrily. It was } after that I stopped sleeping with the Staff of Zot and switched to } a blankie. } } You owe the Oracle pages 52-76 inclusive from his Dream Diary. } I'm sure there was something even worse in there...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: Mr. Zadoc D. Worm > From: The Internet Omniscius > Subject: Openings for Qualified Individuals > > Dear Mr. Worm, > > Please  allow  this  letter  to  serve  as  introduction  to  The > Internet Omniscius,  the  newest  Internet  wisdom  provider!  The > field of Internet wisdom  dispensation  has  long  been  dominated  by > the  monopolistic and domineering  business  practices of "The Internet > Oracle*," easily the most successful--indeed the only--competitor in > the industry. > > But  no  longer!  Thanks to a decision by the Universal Supreme Court, > many of the restrictions on wisdom dispensation have been lifted, > allowing a new competitor to arise--The Internet Omniscius! > > According  to  our  records,  you  are  currently  employed by The > Internet Oracle,  at a salary of $0.  We have an opening for an Chief > Worm with YOUR qualifications,  and  you  would  start at at least > $40,000 a year, perhaps more!  Perhaps a LOT more! > > Before you make up your mind, please take a moment to review the > advantages the Internet Omniscius offers over outdated services like > The Oracle: > > ---Time required to answer questions > *The  Oracle: Service is unpredictable and business-oriented. > Sometimes an answer  may  be received within an hour, but usually it > requires at least a day, sometimes more.  Sometimes a LOT more. > *The  Omniscius:  You will receive an answer within 4 hours, GARUNTEED! > No waiting, no wondering, no problem! > > ---Quality of answers > *The  Oracle: Again, choppy and unpredictable.  Sometimes the answers > don't seem  to  relate  to  the  question--how  useful  is  that? > Sure, you can re-submit  your  question,  if  you  don't  mind waiting > at the back of the queue. > *The Omniscius: All answers are carefully reviewed by a multi-national > team of   experts   for   quality,   clarity,   and   brevity.    No > page-long stream-of-consciousness answers here! > > ---Permitted questions > *The  Oracle:  Try  asking a question about a woodchuck, or include > some of your own prose, or omit the ever-necessary "grovel."  At best, > you'll get a petulant reply... or you might get the ZOT(tm)! > *The  Omniscius: All questions are fair game, and you never need to > grovel. You'll  always  get  a carefully considered answer, balanced > and fair.  And you'll never, never get ZOTted. > > ---Payment > *The  Oracle: Do you have Gondwanaland stuffed in your junk drawer? > Have a doctoral  thesis  on the impermeability of matter laying around? > These are typical  requirements  for  the  substandard, subjective > answers the Oracle gives. > *The  Omniscius:  Payment  is  simple.   The first five questions are > FREE! After that, a 50 cent charge is applied to all questions for > administration fees.  The Omniscius accepts all major credit cards. > > So  as  you can see, you're working for an employer who will shortly be > out of  a  job  himself.   The  Omniscius is an equal-opportunity > employer, and treats  its  Worms well.  Please consider our offer and > reply via certified ethermail. > > Sincerely, > > (signed) > > Ralph P. Lederhosen, President, The Internet Omniscius > ------------- > *"The  Internet  Oracle"  and  "The  Oracle"  are  trademarks  of > Oracular Enterprises, Inc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 21st Jan. 1998 } } Mr Ralph P. Lederhosen, } President, } The Internet Omniscius, } Stanford, } United States of America. } } Dear Mr Lederhosen, } } Thank you for your recent offer which I am pleased to accept. I'm } looking forward to working for your company, more for the excellent } working environment that you describe than for the renumeration. } I know that I shouldn't grumble about my present employer in my } acceptance letter, but you wouldn't believe the last task I was } given. That so-called 'Usenet Oracle' beamed me back in time, way } down in size, and deposited me inside what I can only describe as } the deep internals of a woman. I then had to find the one sperm } among millions that was wearing a suit and carrying a tiny briefcase, } distract it for a minute by asking it to answer a few questions for a } marketing survey and, Mr Lederhosen? MR LEDERHOSEN?!?!?!? } } (sigh) } } I remain, } } Yours in perpetual slavery, } } Zadoc P Worm.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Date: 01/21/98 > Sir, >    I want to know the exact price listings-incuding freight,tax etc-for > your product "ORACLE 8 ENTERPRISE EDITION".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, }   Welcome! I see that you have arrived from another reality. As you } know, due to the quantum nature of this universe, whereby it every } different quantum position indicates a different reality, it is entirely } possible to 'flip' from one reality to another without even realising } it. } } In the reality in which I choose to offer my services, there are only } twelve months in the year. Not every Roman Emperor who wanted a month } named after him got one. Hence, Caliglary, the 21st month, doesn't } exist. As you cannot possibly have sent this request on the first of } Caliglary, I conclude that you have inadvertantly flipped reality. } Alternatively, you may just be using the non-standard American } 'MM/DD/YY' format. } } Anyway, back to your question. The prices for the 'Oracle 8 Enterprise } System[TM]' are as follows: } } Basic Starship Package: 500 million Galactic Credits. There is a 10% } discount for orders from Starfleet and all Aligned worlds. We are } sorry, but we are unable to take orders from non-Human races. } (Registration and delivery 20 million Credits extra.) } } 5-Year Warranty and Maintainance Plan: Each new starship comes with a } FREE one year warranty. For only 100 million Credits extra, upgrade to } a full five year cover plan, including servicing and maintainence. } (This offer is voided if you take this starship out of Federation } space, enter any wormholes or engage enemy Romulan or Borg vessels.) } } FREE! A YEARS SUPPLY OF DILITHIUM CRYSTALS! } } As a reward for your interest in the Oracle 8 Enterprise System[TM], we } have entered your name into our FREE prize draw. First prize is a } year's supply of dilithium crystals, fully compatible with the Oracle 8 } Enterprise. No purchase necessary. Available only to humans over the } age of 18. } } We tahnk you for your interest, and hope you have many happy years } boldly going where no nerd has gone before.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle who would never have to return home three times for > things The Oracle had forgotten, unlike a certain supplicant I could > name. > > O Oracle, I have noticed over the last few months that Og not only gets > to roam the countryside (well, what else is there?) surrounding his > cave, but also seems to get teleported to all sorts of intersting > places in time and space. However, his wife Ogwa never ever seems to > leave the cave. What with all the slicing up mammoth meat, preparing > animal skins, and the results of Og's lusty appetites and 100,000BC > contraception. I also thought it was particularly cruel to allow Og to > return with the Giorgio Armani dress without telling Ogwa that silk > should never be washed by putting it in a river and beating it with a > rock. Oracle, couldn't you see fit to give her some kind of an > adventure too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why? It might create a precedent that could ripple down through time } and space and cause untold havoc. Like wars could be avoided, peace } might break out, science could flourish, our society could become more } compassionate, we could have lots of pretty things instead of the } monstrosities we build now, or Lisa could be in charge. Or, even } worse, Zadoc. } } I like things just as they are. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Female Eunuch". Autographed by Ogwa.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <grovel> > how much would wood S woodchuck chcukk, if a woodchuck ccould cHuk wod? > ----------------- > Are you tired of questions like these?  Just because you know > everything, does that mean you have to answer questions like THOSE? > Well, my friend, the answer is NOT ANY MORE!!! > > Yes, NevoCom has produced a wide array of anti-anoying question > equipment! Let me tell you about a few, you see, a good setup for this > is based on the same principlesas if you were defending a base from > attack. > > Outer peremiter Fencing. > > Filtering software is not new, but there is none out there like this > Baby! All those others are passive, waiting for mail to come to it! not > this one! it activly replicates and searches out problem sites > preventing all mail to your address from AOL or other problem areas AT > THE SOURCE!  No longer will you be pestered by inane questions from the > cesspools of thought! > > Mine Fields. > > Once the mail gets to your mailserver it just sits there waiting to > read, the good along with the bad.  This one will eliminate problem > mail AS IT ARIVES by anylizing the contents!  you can set for search > words and tolerence (None, below a set number, and custom) None: well, > set this baby on for the word Woodchuck, and NO MAIL WITH THAT WORD > will ever apear in your box!  Likewise for the below a set number, if > it has more instances of a word than you want it is dead.  (for real > fun, set the word is to under 3 uses) > > And on top of that, it has aditional features!  Now that the mail is > nuked and you have been spared reading the drivel, why should they > escape punishment you surely would have given them?  Well, you can set > many factors, and based on those have it provide many diferent > reactions!  Everything from a full zot to giving the suplicants > unlisted phone number to their EX! It can also handle your normal > divine powers as well, and send those at the pitiful worms! > > Sound great? of course it is! > > now, how much would you pay for this? wait..don't answer, THERE IS > MORE! Yes, order now and get this book of 1,001 ways to humiliate > Zadoc! and how about this fabulous set of Ginsu knives? > > All this, for just 3 EASY payments of 999.99! whatta bargain Whatta > deal! > > So, Oh grand oracle whom I am not worthy to lick the soles of your > sandles clean after you walked in a dung heap, please tell me...  Do we > have a deal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ATTENTION - This is an automated response> } } Your recent email has been found to contain unsolicited sales } materials and has therefore been bounced by the Mailsystem. } } If there has been a mistake, then your apology is accepted. } } Please find a suitable attachment included } } <Attachment - ZOT.EXE> } } You owe the Oracle Mailsystem, a dictionary and a book of grammar.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> :-) :-) :-) > :-) :-) :-) > :-) :-P :-) > :-) :-) :-) > :-) :-) :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't believe it!  It's the tedious supplicant and his whole army } of inane Internet accomplices!  The very people who sit there all } day send nothing but null questions, the woodchuck question, and } their variants!  And they've surrendered themselves to my mercy! } What a lucky day for me, muhahaha! } } WELL tedious supplicant, welcome to my home away from home!  I trust } you find the accomodations, shall we say...comfortable? } }      :-P } } You're an insolent one, aren't you?  Didn't your parents teach you any } manners?  Let's see if you're so brave after a meeting with my crotch } laser! } }       [O=Crotch====O)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ }       [O=Laser(tm)=O) } } Ha ha!  Well what do you think of that??!?! } }      :-P } } Still sticking your tongue out at me, are you?  Hrmmmph.  Well you won't } be so disrespectful when I introduce you to my tank of vicious man- } eating sharks!!!! } }         _|\_ }       ><__=_O } } Ha ha ha!  So what about that? } }       :-P. } } Crimony!  Is there nothing that you are afraid of???  Perhaps I have } underestimated your willpower, you're much more crafty than...uh, excuse } me...what's that coming out of your mouth?? } }      :-P... } } Is that drool?  Oh my, that *is* drool.  You haven't understood a word } I've said, have you? } } You know, I had interpreted all these inane questions as being the } result of insolence, or perhaps malice...yet it turns out that you } individuals merely have the IQ of broccoli, and hence lack the mental } capacity to compose decent questions.  I should be more sympathetic, } and turn the other cheek, and... } }      :-O..how much wood could a...? } } Strike that!  Think Darwin! } }      *ZOT* } } You owe the Oracle an idea for how to viciously mangle the rest of these } beasts. } }               :-( :-( :-[ }               :-O :-( :-( }               :-(     :-( }               :-( :-O :-( }               :-< :-( :-(

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Life encompasses many experiences including sex.  If the answer to the > question of life is 42, why is the answer to the question of sex > invariably "no" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How much attention do you pay to your personal hygiene?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All seeing, all knowing Oracle please tell me > > Exactly how much fissionable material has been smuggled out of Russia > and who has it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eighteen tons. Steve Case and Bill Gates have it and they are using to } send deadly radiation through the internet. } } You owe the Oracle a billion dollars.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can i find a gateway that will take my email and convert it into > a fax message for _France_?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Worthless Supplicant, your lack of grovelling should be immediately } punished with a *ZOT*. However, since your email is important enough to } be sent to 60 million people, duty will prevail. } } ZADOC!! } } (Enter Zadoc the Priest, wringing his hands while bowing, in a } particularly snivelling manner) } } ZADOC: Yes, your munificent munificentness? } } ORACLE: Oh stop kissing my feet, you blithering idiot. Get the } photocopier. We have some copying to do. } } ZADOC: Certainly, Master. How many copies will Your Grace be requiring } this time? 10? } } ORACLE: No I'm not sending a fax to Maria's lawyers this time. Here we } have a Supplicant who has an email so important it must be sent to the } whole population of France. We need 60 million copies. } } (Zadoc blanches) } } ZADOC: 60 *MILLION*!? } } ORACLE: That's right. And I suppose you'd better call the service } engineer as well, seeing as we only have 30 million copies left before } the next service is due. } } ZADOC: I'm going to need some help with this one, or you won't get } served dinner until Saturday. KENDAI!! } } (Enter Kendai. He is dressed like Zadoc, but cannot be more than 16 } years old. He is chewing gum and looks bored.) } } ORACLE: Kendai? Who he? } } ZADOC: He's our new Work Experience priest, Master. } } KENDAI: Yeah? What d'you want? } } ZADOC: Kendai! You must grovel to His Omnicience! } } (He slaps Kendai) } } KENDAI: OW! What was that for? } } ORACLE: It is the way of the world. Lisa slaps me, I slap Zadoc, and } Zadoc slaps you. } } KENDAI: And who do I slap then? } } ZADOC: You slap nobody. You must grovel here for 30 years before you } get to slap anybody. } } KENDAI: What, *now*? That'll take er....(scratches head) ...thirty } years! } } ORACLE: Kendai, you may take grovelling lessons from Zadoc after this } task I set you. Believe me, you will find no better Master of the } Grovel. Zadoc, while you're at it, enroll the Supplicant as well. He } obviously needs a few lessons. } } ZADOC: A wonderful idea, Glorious Fountain of Knowledge! } } ORACLE: Right you two, enough yabbering, I want 60 million copies by } 5pm. Can you do it? } } KENDAI: (shrug) Suppose... } } ORACLE: Right, Photocopy! Photocopy like the wind! } } (Fast forward to 5pm. On the Director's Cut, perhaps show a clock with } the hands spinning round. Enter Kendai, still chewing gum and bored. He } is followed by Zadoc.) } } KENDAI: OK, what do want us to do with the copies? } } (Zadoc slaps him) } } KENDAI: I mean er.. what do you want us to do with the copies, GUV? } } ORACLE: Zadoc, get your nose off the floor. I assume you've addressed } all the copies and stuck the stamps on? } } KENDAI: (sniff) Yeah, we did that n' all. } } ZADOC: Ush. Oo need to gut un automatic shtamp licker, Mashter. } } ORACLE: Right, post them! It's about time the Priests in the Post Room } had something to do. } } KENDAI: Whatever you say, Guv. } } (Exit Zadoc, bowing. Exit Kendai, slouching.) } } You owe the Oracle a better Work Experience Priest. } And an automatic stamp licker.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how much wood would actually get chucked if a woodchuck that might > chuck wood, was chucked by a woodchuck chucker that might chuck > woodchucks and who was in turn chucked by a woodchuck chucker chucker > during his woodchuck chucking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We have considered your hypothetical question carefully. Opinions } differ.  The evidence, such as it is, is contradictory. } }     Noah took no woodchucks with him on the Ark, which suggests an }     awesome capacity to inflict damage on the timber vessel, so their }     survival of the Flood is something of a mystery. But then, the }     Bible does not mention woodpeckers, either. It would be pleasant }     to think that these two species which are such bitter rivals }     in their natural habitat today found a way to help each other }     through that time of crisis. But we really do not know. } }     The largest woodchuck in captivity is owned by Mrs Muriel Sprant, }     a spinster of uncertain age and sex of Bath, England. Basil, as }     he is called, is taken for a daily walk by Mrs Sprant's butler. }     He is too well-bred to chuck wood. So is Basil. } }     The first draft of the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Monster }     Manual had a description of a Giant Woodchuck similar in all }     respects to the Giant Rat which replaced it in the printed version }     except for its special attack mode (2d10 lbs per melee round). }     The change is generally considered to have been a Good Thing. } }     A. A. Milne's children's classic originally featured Winnie the }     Woodchuck. Apparently, Milne's son had invented a private game }     called "woodchucksticks", which consisted of dropping twigs into }     a stream from a bridge then waiting for them to reappear on the }     other side.  Milne's publisher persuaded him to write up this }     charming anecdote but to change the main character with an eye }     to future motion picture rights, something for which the younger }     Milne never forgave his father. } }     If you play "Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered }     Together in a Cave and Grooving With a Pict" by the Pink Floyd, }     backwards at half speed, there is a loud thump near the end. }     That is, near the beginning. Only about twenty grams, but close }     to the microphone. } }     The Internet Oracle, whom the Gods preserve, of Indiana, USA, }     has been trying unsuccessfully for several years to overcome a }     reputation as a fanatical woodchuck antagonist. "It started as a }     joke," he maintains, "I really love them, they are cute little }     creatures with respectable family lives." He is still awaiting }     the replacement of the panda in the WWF logo by a wide-eyed baby }     woodchuck, a payment requested 2 years ago for a list of 101 }     ways to save the whale, any one of which would have resulted in }     a worldwide glut of processed catfood. His estimate is "4 chords }     at most. A bit more if the woodchuck is a member of the Teamsters. }     But on the whole, they are more fightened of you than you are }     of them. If you make no sudden threatening moves they'll leave }     you alone." } } You owe the World Woodchuck Liberation Front a donation to help } preserve these fascinating creatures for your children. } }                                [WWLF logo]