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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I stop blinking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You forgot the </BLINK> } } Better? } } You owe the oracle a </WEBTV> tag.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, who understand what makes people listen to country > music, who can tell the difference between a mute swan and a giraffe by > listening to their calls... please help me to understand ....... > > Why is it that whenever i start a plumbing project around the house I > always end up making three or four trips to the hardware store ?  Who > is behind this ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well-known fact number 3849572837455.2: } } The plumbers' union long ago gave up using lead (plumbum) for making } pipes.  Now they use a material called forgettium.  It causes loss of } memory in anyone working with it who does not have a union card.  Hire } a union plumber.  Even at scale rates, if your time is worth anything } at all, it'll be cheaper.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      If the Oracle were a coffee drink he'd be even better than a >      double decaf hazelnut mocha. He'd be lighter and fluffier than a >      latte (Is that good?  I hope that's a good grovel and not an >      insult.) > >      Please tell me: If I can go to the lunch room and pour a FREE hot >      chocolate mix into my coffee cup, and then pour FREE coffee into >      that cup, and then make a bunch of "whosh whosh" sounds (again, >      for FREE) then why are my co-workers walking down to the food >      court to pay $3.50 for a Cafe Mocha from Starbucks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good grovel. 87% for originality, although you did skate a *little* } close to the edge with that "light and fluffy" comment. I'll overlook } it this time. } } In answer to your question: For the same reason that } }         - some people pay $18.00 for Wild Turkey, when they could } get the same effect from a $6.00 bottle of Old Overholt and a FREE } length of lumber } }         - people pay $20.00 for a hand-rolled cigar when they could, } for FREE, simply wrap their mouths around the exaust pipe of a city bus } }         - they buy gym shoes at $150.00 a pop, when they could get } something just as good for $12.95 (or even FREE if they can run } real fast) } }         - they pay $100.00 for a dinner of blackened redfish in a New } Orleans restaurant when they could get (again, for FREE) the crumbly } bits of fish left in the deep-fry oil at Poorboy's Fish Restaurant } over in Arkansas } }         - they stand in line all night to buy the latest Windows } version for $99.00, when they could get the same thing FREE by simply } smashing their monitor and then jamming their hand into the mass of } broken glass and grabbing the power cable where it attaches to the } cooling fan } }         - they pay $7.50 to go see "Titanic" when they could have } a much better time, for FREE, by checking "A Night To Remember" } from their public library and read it while taking a cold shower } }         - they pay $85.00 per hour to talk to a psychiatrist when } there are churches (available FREE of charge) on practically every } block } }         - they pay hundreds of dollars a year to United Way when } they could volunteer FREE of charge to work at a local homeless } shelter or battered women's shelter } }         - they spend tens of thousands of dollars sending their } children to Ivy League universities to gain knowledge when they } could get all the wisdom they can stand by simply asking the Oracle } FREE... um... } } You owe the Oracle a case of Wild Turkey, a box of good Havana cigars, } a Saville Row bespoken suit, a steak dinner at Trader Vic's and the } home telephone number of Monica whatshername.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a self? Does it change? Is it similar to a soul?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A self is a small furry animal that many middle aged men keep as pets. } However, these beasties are notorious for running away.  As the owners } are very attached to their pets, they will often buy a new motorcycle } and drive off, trying to "find my self." } } Girlfriends also try to keep these elusive pets, and will often leave } their boyfriends to find their selves too.  More often than not, the } self will have dug a burrow in the back yard, and can be drawn out with } a can of food. } } A self and a sole are quite different, a self is, as I said before, a } small furry animal; a sole is a fish. } } you owe The Oracle a can of Self Chow.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most all knowing, who took Denver and the points, who > has the video of President Clinton and various young and nubile White > House aides, please answer this poor groveling question.  Why is it that > you are actually deeming to answer so many Woodchuck related questions > withou the appropriate Zot(tm)?  I was under the impression that such > questions were automatically registered for Zot(tm)ting, according to > the Article of Oraculation. Humbly yours, supplicantus grovellus

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicantus (I like the lower-case... it shows the proper } attitude)... well, it's like this... here, sit on this chair next } to me. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, about the woodchuck question. Yes, } yes, indeed. } } Are you comfortable? Sure? Really? Well, I'm kinda warm. In fact, I'm } so warm, I think I'll take my trousers off... No, no, no, don't worry. } We do this all the time in this place... Oh, heck no! HR -- I mean, } Hillary! -- is outta town! Nope! It's just you an' me. } } Nice dress, by the way. I like the blouse. Are you wearing a... oh, } never mind. } } Now, lesse... you were askin' about woodchucks, were you? Well, } a couple of A-10's would take care of them! Those 20mm cannons } can shred a marmot like nobody's business. Not that I ever... Oh? } Are you uncomfortable? It *is* warm, isn't it? Here, let me take the } rest of my clothes off... } } There! *That's* more comfortable! Now, as I was saying... What? } } Oh. Okay. } } You owe the Oracle a year's worth of legal fees for Bob Bennett.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Most Extravagant, have you ever sung coloratura?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No supplicant, but I have sung "sotto voce". } } You owe the oracle the most efficent way of producing castrati } without involving gardening implements.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og here. Og crawl across desert with no food and water for O-ra-kul. Og > beat head with spiky club. Og kiss O-ra-kul feet and hands. > > Og read about prime numbers on rhod. Og think messages not right. Og > think for a while. Og invent Og-le-di-an Rings The-o-ry. Og find proof > that no biggest prime. Og give proof to O-ra-kul. > > Og say, let there is biggest prime. Og say many primes but not > in-fi-ni-ty. Og mul-ti-plies all primes and gets big number. Og add one > to big number and gets bigger number. Og think, bigger number bigger > than biggest prime. Og cannot di-vide bigger number by any prime. Og > always get re-main-der of one. Og think, bigger number must be prime. > But Og knows bigger number bigger than all prime. Og say there is no > biggest prime. > > Og think Og very intelligent. Og think Og more intelligent than > priests. Og ask O-ra-kul Og be priest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle here. Oracle sorry.  Oracle not want smart priest.  Oracle show } Og Zadoc.  Zadoc not smart.  Zadoc high priest. } } Oracle not want Og walk across desert.  Oracle want Zadoc walk desert. } Oracle not want Og hit Og head with spikey club.  Oracle want Og hit } Zadoc head with spikey club to give Zadoc more smart.  Og best hurry } and hit lots.  Zadoc needs lots more smart.  Zadoc getting too dumb for } even be Oracle high priest. } } Og owe Oracle spikey Zot club

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...how a person can restore to health to a bi-polar depression ? > or, what we know about the bi-polar depression ? > > ...if is possible to talk you in italien or in french, please tell me, > 'cause my english is small. > > i expect your answer Oracle most wise... > > Daniele

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Daniele, your English isn't that small. It's 10-point, just like } every other supplicant's. } } Yes, I can speak, read and write fluently in Italian, French, German, } Urdu, Chinese, Japanese, Spanish, Eubonics, Siksika, Russian, Ukranian, } Dutch, Tagalog, Ibo, Africaans, Pishtu, Inuit (all four dialects), } Danish, Norwegian, Finnish, Gaelic, Bantu, Zulu, Xhosa, Arabic, } Indonesian, Vietnamese, Monteyard, Burmese... well, you get the idea. } The problem is, Daniele, most of the people who read these } Oracularities in the digests can only read English. It's a matter of } making my wisdom known to the greatest number of people, you see. So, } we'll have to struggle along in English. } } Bi-polar depression is a little-understood phenomenon. Along the } equator, half-way between the north and south poles, there are many } places where the land (and the ocean bed) are subsiding at an alarming } rate... Oh, you meant... } } Bi-polar depression is a little-understood phenomenon. Also called } manic-depressive behavior, these poor people have mood swings that } disrupt their lives. Many centuries ago, it was assumed that they were } posessed by demons. Now, with modern science, we *know* that they are } posessed by demons. One course of treatment is to give the patients } lithium suppliments (demons *hate* lithium). In addition, they are } sometimes given anti-depressants and/or mood-elevators -- sometimes } both at the same time, just to see what will happen. } } Sadly, there is little that can be done to "cure" bi-polar depression; } the best we can do is to treat the symptoms and keep a lot of holy } water nearby in case they really get out of hand. } } You owe the Oracle a slightly-less-serious question next time.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wonderful Oracle, please help me with a religious problem.  I'm trying > to figure out the precise differences between you and God.  (I'm not > very good at this sort of stuff, wretch that I am, but you knew that > already.)  Here is a list I've constructed.  Please tell me where I'm > wrong, and fill in missing items that I've left out. > >        GOD                       ORRIE > =====================      ====================== > Somewhere in heaven or     Somewhere in Indiana or > maybe churches.            maybe the Internet. > > Both Omniscient and        Only Omniscient, and thus > Omnipotent, in spite       very frustrated. > of the inherent problems. > > Accessed via prayer.       Accessed via supplication. > > Vengeful and merciful.     Mostly vengeful. > > Infinitely patient.        Quick at the ZOT trigger. > > Has dogma.                 Has karma. > > Priests celibate, deity    Priests anything but celibate, > also, except once.         Orrie likewise. > > Collects souls.            Collects heels. > > Hears stupid questions.    Answers stupid questions. > > Above flattery.            Always likes a good grovel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        GOD                       ORRIE } =====================      ====================== } Most important servant     Most important servant } is The Pope, to whom       is Zadoc, to whom } world leaders must         nobody listens } listen } } Demands only that we       Demands out-of-print } grow in wisdom a day       baseball cards, unlikely } at a time, coming          events and non-existent } together in a peaceful     inventions. } brotherhood } } Communicates through       Communicates through } visions and divine         e-mail and high-voltage } inspiration (and the       ZOTs. } occasional disaster) } } Insurance Companies may    Insurance Companies change } cover Acts of God (check   phone number and move states } your policy documents)     if asked to cover Acts of }                            Oracle } } Has an immaterial          Has a very material } Companion who does         companion who does all } nothing and was only       sorts of interesting } hired to placate pagans    things and was hired to }                            placate drooling geeks } } Message from HolyGhost on heaven.vax.org tty03 Jan 28 13:01 } ... } HEY! I RESENT THAT REMARK - I PULL MY WEIGHT AROUND HERE! } }   You're immaterial. You don't weigh anything. } } ERRRR... ^D } } Hah! Which reminds me... } } At the Last Day, God       At the drop of a hat, The } will resurrect his         Oracle will resurrect his } faithful servants in       favourite old gags in somewhat } perfect bodies             less than perfect format... } } You owe the Oracle a split into two separate Oracles with } a line running down the centre of the screen.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Your lack of a grovel displeases me. I also find it extremely }      presumptous when supplicants force me to display my omniscient }      powers by answering unspecified queries. } }      Therefore, although I will answer your questions, I will leave it }      to you to figure out which questions go with which answers. } }      1. Because she really does love your siblings more than you. }      2. Space is curved, and objects with mass change the curvature, }      causing an attractive force we call "gravity". So while everything }      seems to suck, it's really only gravity. }      3. Because of the special ingredient that makes it addictive. }      4. You don't really think there is anyone in the entire world that }      would *not* be disgusted by that suggestion, do you? }      5. Because the company simply no longer valued you as a person. }      6. Well, you shouldn't have provoked it. It's your own fault. }      7. Because there is a vast conspiracy with members constantly }      monitoring your every movement and action to make sure that it's }      empty everytime you go to get some. }      8. Because you do not brush your tongue often enough. }      9. Because the same conspirational group replaces them at night }      with another pair that's just that annoying 1/4" smaller. }      10. Hey, *you* asked *me* the question, remember? Consider }      yourself lucky. } }      You owe the Oracle a scanned image of that polaroid in your sock }      drawer.