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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I really addicted to vibrators and cocaine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you would be, except that you are rubbing the cocaine in your } crotch and sticking the vibrators up your nose. } } You owe the Oracle an orgasm and a can of Jolt.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does emacs start up in a buffer called *scratch*?  Is it any > relation to Old Scratch, the Devil?  Should I be concerned about this as > a devout Fundamentalist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do believe it is already too late.  I'm greatly distressed to hear } that you have discovered this, my son.  Emacs originally stands for Evil } Manifestation Also Called Satan.  A great time of evil shall soon befall } computer users around the world, although most will be unaware. } However, you, having discovered this, will be greatly punished by the } almighty evil one.  Draw a pentagram around your computer, and chant } "Oh, great computer gods, free me from Emacs.  I swear by my Unix manual } that I will worship vi from this time forth" } } You owe the Oracle a real editor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I have holes in my jeans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. One hole is for your waist } 2. One hole is for your left leg. } 3. Two holes are for your right leg. } 4. One hole is for you to stick your penis out, so that it can wave }    merrily in the wind. } 5. One hole is for your potted fern. } 6. One hole is so that your girlfriend can fondle you intimately in }    public places without either of you getting too embarrassed, until }    you start screaming "I'm coming!  I'm coming!" and a big wet spot }    appears at your groin. } 7. One hole is for your nose. } 8. You cut one hole yourself so that you wouldn't have to drink out of }    urinals any more. } 9. You cut the last hole yourself as a protest of the planned U.S. }    invasion of Nebraska.  Your protest was effective. } } You owe the Oracle a new pair of jeans.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most [however one desscribes an Oracle], tell me... > > Do you ever get a vacation? If so, where do you go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you care about your karma, and don't want to spend your next } forty-six incarnations as a nameless slug, you should address me in } terms such as: } } "most illustrious and divine Oracle, who knoweth all, whose gaze causeth }  petroleum jelly to solidify, whose breath maketh dragons wince and }  whose excrement this mortal worm is unworthy to lick" } } Then, to your main question. } } The only real vacations I get is when iuvax is down.  Then, I go to the } net.black.hole and read vintage news messages.  (As a divine being, I'm } an exception to the rule that nothing escapes from a black hole). } Sometimes, I squeeze myself onto a floppy disk and have interesting } conversations with a bootstrap loader. } } But for 99 % of the time, iuvax is up, and I'm constantly occupied } reading mail and passing it on to my various avatars.  This is not as } bad as it sounds, though.  Since I've mastered the true art of } multitasking, I hav a practically unlimited amount of time available for } other activities, such as kinky sex with the net.sex.goddesses.  So I } really don't need any vacations. } } You owe the Oracle a nude photo of the girl who plays Vanessa on the } Cosby show.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > In Usenet Oracularities #93, you quote the following: > > } ] Message from GOD!ucbvax on ttyp2 at 14:23... > } ] > } ] What the F*CK do you think you're doing? > > Does the fact that God has an account on ucbvax.berkeley.edu mean that > California really *is* heaven, after all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  God has an *account* on UCBVAX.  He *lives* in Jersey.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are sheep ever bothered by moths?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me check. } } oraclevax> egrep sheep /etc/hosts | head -1 } 31.5.152.412  sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu } oraclevax> telnet sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu } Connection established.... } } [mindsquish mindsqueeze grunt <ouch!>] } } baaaaa grass good tasty grass grass good grass } sniff sniff? }    what? } warmwetwestwind somethingwest }  badsomething }     nastysomething }   run? }       horriblesomething! }   run run run! }     mothsomething! } moth coming!  help run run run help run run! }     moth moth coming! }   run help run moth run } worsethanmoth  worsethanmoth worsethanmoth WORSETHANMOTH! }    wpistudent coming wpistudent horriblerape help nottheseason }      (I'm a good sheep I am, I am, I won't have sex with }       any nasty WPI students riding their horrid moths!) }  run run RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN *RUN* *RUN* *RUN* *JUMP* } } <splash> } } [connection closed.] } } oraclevax> ping sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu }   ping: host is down } oraclevax> ping -l sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu }   [sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu ] }   Sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu is down at the bottom of a cliff } oraclevax> logout } } As you can see from that transcript, sheep are afraid of moths, but it } takes a WPI student to send them into a real panic. } } You owe the Oracle $18.81, and WPI a new sheep.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great knowledgable one, recently I received the following > mail message: > > >Dear Sir: > > > >Since you did not pick up your recently deceased body as requested > >by our department, we feel it is our duty to inform you of the con- > >sequences of your inaction: > > > >At approximately 2:40 AM on route 219, 13 miles south of the city of > >Buffalo, one intoxicated individual by the name of J.Prondak happened > >upon your abandoned corpse.  Since it is against the law for us to > >intefere with dead sentient beings until such time as of 2 days after > >discovery, we were forced to abandon the said item until such time had > >passed.  Furthermore, the Lord Crimson Decrees forbade us to publicly > >announce said findings until the mentioned 2 days have passed.  Since > >Mr. Prondak was intoxicated and had a "purity score" of around 1%, > >your body was "invaded" by a foriegn item of approximately 2 and 1/2 > >inches.  Since your soul is now impure, you have been expelled from > >Hackers' Elysium and sent forthwith to the pits of Arcadia, where you > >will be subject to the laws and whims of one Beezulbub, lord of lies > >and third in the hierarchy of Hell.  There you will program only in > >basic and forced to use dreaded VMS.  All ties to C and Unix have been > >severed until further notice.  There you will write recursive programs > >until one eternity has passed. > > > >                                             Sincerely, > >                                             Lord Crimson > >                                             Master of Earth, > >                                             13th in the hierarchy of > >                                                Hell > > What does this mean? Could it be true? Am I dead and fated to go to > Hell now?  Is there any way to save myself from this destiny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not always wise to trust people high up in the Hierarchy of Hell. } (Actually, it's a Descending Hierarchy, so they're really low down, but } no matter.) Still, I suppose I had better check. } } [Dial 1-212-*!&-~|&@.  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...] } } Hell Operator:  Ha, the idiot Oracle wants more information! } } Oracle:  Connect me to the administration of Beelzebub, please. } } HO:  No.  I'll fill your eyes with porcupine spines first, you slime } puddle! } } O:  Connect me please. } } [ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring] } } Smurgiel:  Smurgiel here.  What can I avoid doing for you, Oracle? } } O:  Is [name omitted] among your subjects? } } S:  Let me check....  damn computers!  always going down! } } [Smurgiel punches the screen.  Sparks shower all over.  Flames blossom } from the floor and burn the devil to the bone.  Slowly he and the } computer recover, while my phone bill goes up.] } } S:  No, he's not here.  And when you get here I'll stuff your head }     through that computer a few million times!  I hate it when people }     ask me questions!  I want ... } } [click] } } -------------------------------- } } Some further investigation reveals that you were merely stunned. } } You owe the Oracle $182,101.31 for phone charges.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would a porno smurf film have as it's major story plots?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see.  Orton's Condensed Film Plots, volume 41.  _Smurfette Screws } Syracuse_. } } 1. Igor, the Smurf's pet water buffalo, goes to Syracuse to buy a new }    yoke.  On the way, it meets a horny cow, and they have sex in a }    variety of positions. } 2. Igor has, however, forgotten his lunch.  Smurfette volunteers to }    take it to him.  She goes to the kitchen to get it.  The cook screws }    her silly. } 3. Igor continues on toward Syracuse.  He meets an old widow.  She asks }    him for a lift.  Oral sex mostly.  Some great shots of water buffalo }    cock. } 4. Smurfette tries to leave.  The cook won't let her.  She bashes him }    with a frying pan and knocks him out.  She then sucks him repeatedly }    while he is unconscious, for reasons that are not explained. } 5. Igor and the old widow get to Syracuse.  They immediately go to an }    X-rated theatre.  The theatre is showing _OCTAVIA'S ORGASMIC ORGY_ } 6. Octavia and her friends Samantha and Isabelle (two smurfs and an elk) }    have an orgy. } 7. Smurfette gets to Syracuse.  She stops in a store specializing in }    sexual devices.  She tries out two or three dildoes. } 8. Octavia walks into the dildo store, and without saying a word uses }    some of the devices on Smurfette. } 9. Igor walks in and the three of them have some fun. } } the end. } } Notice the subtle blurring of the boundary between film and reality as } Octavia unnoticably passes from a character in a film-within-a-film to a } character in the film itself, recalling Woody Allen's _Purple Rose of } Cairo_.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is God such an utter asshole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see... } ***** } } Oracle: Hey, God, are you home? } God: Oh, YOU again.  I was in the can.  What do you want this time? } Oracle: Well, y'see God, I've got another hard question here. }    Someone wants to know why you such an utter, that is, er, why }    are you such an utter asshole. } God:  Well, being all-seeing and all-knowing has its }    advantages.  Tell this idiot that I know where he lives. } Oracle: You got it, God.  Oh, sorry to interrupt. } God: Yeah, yeah.  I'm turning on the answering machine. } } ***** } } Boy are you are in trouble. } } You owe the Oracle a quarter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is come white?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For if it was black, "cum" would be gross now, wouldn't it? } } You owe the Oracle some hand lotion.