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} Actually, a much better question for you to ask would be "I understand
} that the Juno Incarnation is, milligram for milligram, the least funny
} creature on the planet. I was just wondering, how does this Juno
} Incarnation compare with the least funny creatures on some other
} planets?" As I am perfect in every way, I'm sure you'll accept my
} judgement.
}
} On Earth we're actually quite lucky in that many of our standup
} comedians are usually fairly good (We'll ignore Bob Hope for the
} purpose of argument). On the planet Leeemunz in the Joest
} Constellation, standup comedians have a number of handicaps. Firstly,
} since the dominant Brappa species have no legs, they are unable to
} 'stand up'. Secondly, the species communicates via a form of biological
} fax. Unfortunately, due to some quirk of evolution when a Brappa prints
} an answer, a signature is printed onto the bottom of the sheet of paper
} listing its entire genetic code. Given that this takes about four
} hours, this does cause problems for Brappa comedians in the area of
} comic timing. Thirdly, Brappa rapidly run out of paper due to their
} lengthy replies and often, just when they need to make a witty putdown
} of a member of the audience, the comedian has to rush off to eat some
} trees.
}
} In the Grrayymian Nebula, they have a problem of language definition
} and memory. You see, the Grrayymians love puns, but given that their
} language has 231 vowels and 4912 consonants, the chance of any two
} words sounding even remotely similar is so small, that the only two
} punning words are "gyyrruuthzmkian" meaning "worm droppings" and
} "gyyrraathxmkion" meaning "lymph node". Hence, the funniest joke in the
} Grrayymian Nebula is "Doctor, I think my worm droppings are swelling,
} could it be something serious?". Unfortunately, due to having a memory,
} the entire populace knows this joke. Consequently the Grrayymian race
} have all become ultraserious rocket scientists researching space travel
} in the hope of travelling to other planets, learning the language and
} hearing lots of good puns. (I just had to tell them about Japan, expect
} them in time for the 2036 Olympics).
}
} On the third moon of the planet Juggz live an ancient race called
} "Horridans" who in symbiotic evolution have evolved to be especially
} suited to being administrators. So good are they at this task,
} that intelligent species for parsecs around have handed over all
} their administration duties to the Horridans so that the other
} species can get on with meaningful work, or, god forbid, have a
} bit of time to relax. So humorless are the Horridans that several
} races in the area considered it a rite of passage to manhood for
} their young males to travel to the third moon of Juggz and make one
} of the Horridans crack a smile. These races are all now extinct,
} as the task proved impossible and none of their young males passed
} into manhood. A typical conversation for one of these unfortunate
} males went like this:
}
} Number 92,343,843 Please go to Window 3. Number 92,343,843
} Please go to Window 3.
}
} Excuse me, have you heard the one about the acrobat who caught
} his wife in the act?
} I'm sorry, you have the wrong department. We deal with
} applications for licences to crop-dust agricultural
} planets. If you need to make a request for an
} entertainment licence you need to queue down the hall
} in Room A357Z.
} No, no, no, it doesn't matter. Excuse me, I need to see
} the file for I. P. Standing.
} Please wait a minute while I look that up on the computer.
} I'm sorry, we don't have a file for I. P. Standing.
} If I. P. Standing is the acrobat you mentioned
} before you'll need to queue down the hall as we do
} not have the computer codes necessary to access the
} entertainment licence registry.
} Oh, oh, oh, ..., oh forget it!
}
} As you can see, even The Juno Incarnation would be the funniest
} creature known on any of these planets. So, if we can only work out
} a way of sending it to one of them....
}
} You owe The Oracle a witty putdown for 'My Grandmother could tell
} better jokes than you, and she's a five tongued three legged reptiloid
} who has been crushed into subatomic particles in a black hole'.
}
} Feedback to: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk
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