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} A little guitar history is in order here. We begin our journey in the
} year 1822, on the big island in Hawaii. The natives here live a
} peaceful, idyllic life, eating pigs roasted in the sand, inventing
} surfing, and getting lai'ed on a regular basis. Needless to say, after
} a full day of surfing, barbecued pork, and a little flower arranging,
} they would all sit around the campfire, look up at the stars above, and
} feel a really profound sense of contentment. After a few years though,
} a dark cloud reared on the horizon. You see, although the waves,
} sausage, and horticulture were still quite fulfilling, they began to
} feel that the campfire afterwards was lacking in some way they couldn't
} quite define. Luckily, fate and history were about to provide them
} with an answer.
}
} For about this time, Spanish Vaqueros from Mexico were looking for new
} lands to graze their cattle on, and a new race of primitive people to
} convert to the wonders of catholicism. They found both in the simple
} people of Hawaii. Along with cows and a huge guilt complex, they also
} brought with them flamenco guitars, which they would play when the cows
} were restless. The cows hated the music, so they would eventually
} pretend to be asleep so the silly Spaniards would stop playing. The
} vaqueros didn't care, as long as the cows quieted down they weren't
} about to query them for musical criticism. And so life went on, the
} cows got fatter, the cowboys watched over them, and the priests berated
} the natives.
}
} After a particularly bad sermon one night, one of the natives was
} feeling so low and miserable about himself and all the terrible things
} the priest had accused him of that he felt the need to sing. Seeing as
} how the priest had told him he was already damned, he figured that a
} little theft wouldn't hurt anything, so he snuck into one of the
} vaqueros' adobe houses and stole his guitar. Luckily for him and
} history, that particular cowboy was experimenting with open tunings,
} and the guitar was in slack key, or open G. He ran back to his
} comrades, who, having skipped the sermon, were past the ocean, pig and
} botanical stages and fully into campfire mode. He didn't even know how
} to hold the guitar, so he put it flat on his lap and, after some
} experimentation using various things as a slide, he finally settled on
} a rib bone. A few hours later, as the smoke and music rose up into the
} air, the natives knew they had finally found the perfect way to end an
} evening, so they sang and danced out their joy under the starry skies.
}
} However, this was only one campfire among many gracing the shores of
} the island paradise. Word quickly spread about the wonders of the new
} instrument, and everybody wanted good music to cap off the night.
} Sooner or later, in each group, sitting around after a particularly
} good wave, pig, or flowery delight, the subject of music would come up.
} Eventually someone would say "How we get guitar?" After a bit, the
} consensus would be "steal guitar". They would draw straws, and the
} loser would go attempt to fetch one. Thus the name.
}
} As time passed, they appropriated all the guitars the vaqueros brought
} with them, and the evenings achieved the kind of perfection that all
} people dream of. The natives had combined all the ingredients that
} make life worthwhile, and all was well until most of them were killed
} in an unexplained stampede.
}
} Later on, after the remaining Hawaiians had moved up to metal strings,
} some clueless American wrote down "steal guitar" as "steel guitar", and
} it has remained that ever since.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really excellent bouquet.
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