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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SUPPLICANT: > I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate, > I've many questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate, > I've not a single shred of tact in any of my body's cells, > Instead I dare invoke thy name, with all the usual codicils; > I've lurked a bit and read the FAQs, and now I dare to ask a boon, > Oh please enlighten me, thy humble servant, with an answer soon, > Thy knowledge doth all things excel, we lowly mortals are surpassed... > > Hmmmm.... surpassed...... sur... passed....  Ah! > > I hope this grovel's good enough, my knees are giving out at last. > > OMNES: > He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last > He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last > He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last > > SUPPLICANT: > I'm stuck out here without a clue, confused, alone and wondering; > It's taking all my energy just keeping me from chundering: > In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate, > I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate. > > OMNES: > In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate, > He is the very model of a grovelling unfortunate. > > SUPPLICANT: > I tried to do research, because this question is my first, you see; > I browsed the World Wide Web, to see what Internet could do for me, > And there, among the JPEG files of "stunning Asian rarities" > I found the One True Site with all thy great Oracularities. > > I've read thy fragrant history, of Zadoc and the staff of ZOT, > I know that Lisa likes to tie you in a silken scarf a lot. > Your needs are met by priests who sacrifice each day a dove and bull. > > Uh-oh....  dove... and.... bull....  Aha! > > And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable > > OMNES: > And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable > And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable > And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable > > SUPPLICANT: > Now I can vie for in-jokes with wittiest and best of 'em, > And try for silly geek jokes with the poor pathetic rest of 'em; > In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate, > I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate. > > OMNES: > In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate, > He is the very model of a grovelling unfortunate. > > SUPPLICANT: > In fact, when I know what is meant by "wit", and "style" and "clarity" > When I can tell at sight an innuendo from a parody, > When with such tools as irony and satire I'm more capable, > And when I know precisely what is meant by "inescapable"; > When I have learnt what standards works Oracular require of you, > When I know more of humour than a stand-up in a dire revue > In short, when I've a funny bone within my whole anatomy > > A... na..... to..... my.........   Hmmmmmm.  Yesss! > > You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me" > > OMNES: > You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me" > You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me" > You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me" > > SUPPLICANT: > It's time to ask my question, though I fear that I may die for it; > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if ever they would try for it? > For it seems this silly question, though it's boring and importunate, > Is *still* the only question from this grovelling unfortunate. > > OMNES: > For it seems this silly question, though it's boring and importunate, > Is *still* the only question from that grovelling unfortunate.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TRIO--ORACLE, LISA, and SUPPLICANT } } LISA:     When you had asked your question so bold, }                We thought to ZOT you there and then, }           According to our custom old, }                With ZOT staff for your sin. }           But all in vain to ZOT we tried, }                Your utterances so novel, }           It's been so long since we have heard }                Such a perfect grovel. } SUPPLICANT:      Perfect grovel? } ORACLE:   (laughing)     Perfect grovel! } LISA:     A most titillating grovel! }           We've praise, flattery and such drivel, }           But none to beat such a grovel! }                Lovely grovel, lovely grovel, }                A most titillating grovel! }                Ha! ha! ha! ha!  Ha! ha! ha! ha! } ORACLE:   We knew your taste for extended trips, }                Into praise most fully sincere; }           And with the laughter on our lips, }                We wished you there to hear. }           We said, "If we could tell it him, }                The woodchuck answer in our joy!" }           And so we've risked our old maxim, }                To tell it to our boy. } SUPPLICANT: (interested).  Perfect grovel?  Perfect grovel? } LISA and ORACLE: (laughing)     A most titillating grovel! }           A most titillating grovel! }           We've praise, flattery and such drivel, }           But none to beat such a grovel! }                Lovely grovel, lovely grovel, }                A most titillating grovel! }           Ha! ha! ha! ha!  Ho! ho! ho! ho! } }                            CHANT--ORACLE } } Now chucking wood, among woodchuck kind, is not a frequent passion, } In fact it is relegated to just one day a year, in the following } fashion: } A woodchuck will, chuck wood you know, only on the date of its birth. } Yet you ask, and well you may, why this should cause such mirth? } Through some singular coincidence-- a crazy freak of fate, perhaps, } Your woodchuck was born in that one-in-four years' lapse, } Known in to all both near and far, even those in Greenwich, } As leap year, which leaves your 'chuck in need of Popeye's spinach. } Most 'chucks, you see, by his advanced age, they should, } Have chucked a total of their years of age, given in cords of wood. } Yet by a simple arithmetical process, you'll easily discover, } That though he has lived twenty-one years, more than many could, } The cords he has chucked are only five, mayhap a little bit over! } LISA:    Ha! ha! ha! ha! } ORACLE:       Ho! ho! ho! ho! } SUPPLICANT: Dear me! }             Let's see! (counting on fingers) }             Yes, yes; with yours my figures do agree! } ALL: Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! ho! } SUPPLICANT: (more amused than any) }             How quaint the ways of groundhog-kind! }             To common sense they are quite blind! }             Though counting in the usual way, }             Years twenty-one he's been alive, }             Yet, chucking on his natal day, }             Yet, chucking on his natal day, }             He's only chucked cords five! } ORACLE/LISA:      He's only chucked cords five! }                   Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! } ALL:        Answer novel, answer novel, }             Peculiar answer novel! }             Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! , etc. } } We owe Gilbert and Sullivan our apologies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You that can tell a republic from a democracy without looking it > up are a mighty fine Oracle indeed and thought! > > Why do so few people in America vote?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because, when it comes right down to it, there aren't actually very } many people in America.  Oh, there are hordes of flesh puppets, } television zombies, soulless bodies, undead shamblers, and such as } that, but fortunately they mostly don't vote. } } Now if we could stop them from being *elected*, we'd have a very good } situation indeed.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O Great and Mighty Oracle, please tell me this: > >             Why did the chicken cross the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Top 101 reasons the chicken crossed the road } } 101.   To get to the other side } 100.   To read the Martian newspaper } 99.    To get away from Colonal Sanders } 98.    Bud-Wei-Ser } 97.    She just wanted attention } 96.    None of the other chickens would let her play in their chicken }        games } 95.    Its the chicken equivalent to bungee jumping } 94.    To get away from the myopic mUnkys from mars who couldn't }        remember why they were chasing her in the first place } 93.    She was rejected by Foster Farms and couldn't bear to go on } 92.    She had mad chicken disease } 91.    So she was facing the traffic while she walked } 90.    She had a date with the rooster } 89.    she wanted to } 88.    Why not? } 87.    To see if the grass was greener there (on the other side) } 86.    She saw a leprechaun there and was hunting the pot of gold } 85.    She was running away from home } 84.    She caught the farmer stealing her eggs } 83.    To show the possum it could be done } 82.    To peck out Lillian Zacky's eyes } 81.    A guy had just eaten at KFC, and his car was across the street }        (this takes some thought) } 80.    80s glam rockers were chasing her so they could make earrings }        out of her feathers } 79.    She was a masochist, and there was a KFC across the street } 78.    A band of wild babtists was trying to bite off her head } 77.    On the other side of the street was Afganistan, where chickens }        are worshipped as gods } 76.    To kick some turkey's ass } 75.    She wanted to see what it felt like to be a possum } 74.    She was on fire } 73.    She was suffering from delusions that she was a dog } 72.    She was a cannibal and there was a KFC across the street } 71.    Her psychiatrist told her that, in order to overcome her fear, }        she must face it } 70.    To take hang-glider lessons } 69.    To go to Madame Chicken's House of Ill Repute } 68.    To get to Tito's Casa a los Nachos Grandes } 66.    Chickens like nachos, you know... } 67.    To hide Jimmy Hoffa's Body } 66.    To lose fat without being excoriated } 65.    To go to Pierre's Diner to have some imitation roast duck } 64.    It was all a plublicity stunt for El Pollo Loco } 63.    Boy that chicken was crazy... } 62.    To get the royalties from the "Caught on Camera: When Chickens }        Meet Roads" video } 61.    Dom Deloise was chasing her } 60.    He had to hurry up to get in the middle of nothing so he could }        create the universe } 59.    She wanted some flap jacks } 58.    To by a box of havanas } 57.    To get to the grassy knoll so she could assassinate JFK } 56.    She had diarhea something aweful and had to get to the bathroom } 55.    She wanted to prove she wasn't chicken } 54.    She was strapped to a rocket } 53.    There was a band of starving hindus, and all there was was a cow }        and a chicken } 52.    To get away from that weird pantless red guy } 51.    To sign his contract with Cartoon Network } 50.    To get away from Fluffy The Anaconda } 49.    She was completing community service for "accidently" running }        over Colonal Sanders with a riding lawn mower } 48.    She had ADD and couldn't sit in one place for more than 5 seconds } 47.    To rendevous with the mother ship } 46.    To ask the Oracle that timeless question, "What came first, the }        cicken or the egg?" } 45.    (it was the egg, you know, Dinasaurs layed eggs millions of }        years before chickens existed) } 44.    To go to the Farmer's Bordello } 43.    To visit the Beef Jerky factory } 42.    To go to the slaughter house and mock the cows } 41.    To get run over } 40.    To win some beads at Mardi Gras } 39.    You know how they win beads, don'tcha? } 38.    To get some film developed } 37.    To fly a kite } 36.    To write her autobiography, "Life is just a road" } 35.    To get some beans } 34.    To buy some shoes } 33.    To get some 3-toed socks } 32.    To pay off  the mafia } 31.    To join the mafia } 30.    She was a mule for a drug runner, and she kept cocaine in her }        eggs } 29.    To buy some eggs } 28.    (But the yolk was on her, cause she lays em for free) } 27.    To visit Piles the beaver } 26.    Bill Clinton wanted a date } 25.    To play soccer with an armadillo } 24.    (The armadillo was the ball...get it?) } 23.    To star on "When chickens attack Part II" } 22.    To join coorperate america } 21.    To join an Austrian convent } 20.    To star in "The Sound of Music" } 19.    To win the gold medal in curling } 18.    To hustle a game of pool } 17.    To go bowling } 16.    To achieve inner oneness with herself } 15.    To set fire to Mother Goose } 14.    To set fire to that annoying "Yo quiero Taco Bell" chihuahau } 13.    To get wasted } 12.    To go to woodstock } 11.    To set fire to the entire cast of "Friends" } 10.    To go to the massage parlor } 9.     The Chinese restaurant was out of cat } 8.     To talk to Elvis } 7.     To impersonate Elvis at the Luxor } 6.     To get a date wit Paula Jones } 5.     To get some pork butts and potatoes } 4.     To peck out Mike Tyson's Eyes } 3.     To go to work in a Guatamalan sweatshop for .000000000009 cents }        an hour } 2.     To get her beak pierced } } AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD.... } } 1.     Chickens ain't that smart

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If my TV is hooked up to The Clapper, will it turn itself off when The > Clapper commercial comes on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll never find out. } } Before the next Clapper commercial airs, your TV will explode from the } power fluctuations generated by the Clapper as it attempt to comply } with the instructions of an entire audience applauding just before the } commercial break. } } This will, in turn, create a feedback surge to you local power company, } tripping the breakers for the main generators. While they attempt to } locate the problem, the entire eastern seaboard of the United States } will be blacked out. } } Saddam Hussein, noting that the power outage has also crippled NORAD's } early detection system, will promptly launch his entire nuclear arsenal } at the U.S. He will see this as a prudent move, as it will kill two } birds with one ICBM: he will get revenge for the loss of face suffered } during the so-called "Gulf War", and he will be able to show the U.N. } inspectors that he does not have any weapons in his country despite the } suspicions of the American government. } } One of the missles, targeted for George Bush's residence, will veer } off-course, homing in on the Clapper attached to your television.  Upon } impact, your TV will blow up and you will never find out if attaching } the Clapper to your TV will cause it to turn off when the Clapper } commercial comes on. } } You owe the Oracle 3 pints of ale, several packages of peanuts, and a } ride on the next Vogon consturctor ship out of the system.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That's right, answer boy, the gig's up.  Put the woodchuck down, your > hands up, and step away from the keyboard.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FIVE WAYS TO END THE ORACLE STORY: } } 1: The Tarantino twist: } }       The scene: ORACLE and WOODCHUCK, both badly shot up, lying on the } floor. Sounds from outside reveal that the warehouse is surrended by } the police. } } ORACLE (to woodchuck): Don't worry, kid. Everything's gonna be all } right. We'll do the time in no time. } } WOODCHUCK: I'm a cop. } } ORACLE: What? I didn't hear you. } } WOODCHUCK: Larry^H^H^H^H^H Orrie, I'm a cop. } } ORACLE: WHAT? AAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!! } } <Oracle fires his gun repeatedly at the Woodchuck. Police shout } warnings. Fade out to the sound of several guns firing.> } } 2: Butch and Sundance melodrama: } }       The scene: Orrie and the Woodchuck lying on the floor of a small } cottage, both bleeding from multiple gunshot wounds. The cottage is } surrounded by the entire Bolivian Army. } } ORACLE: So, how do you feel about going to Australia? } } WOODCHUCK: Oh no, not another half-brained idea. } } ORACLE: Let's blast our way out of here. } } WOODCHUCK: Keep thinking. That's what you're good at. } } <Picture freezes as Orrie and the Woodchuck storm out of the cottage. } The sound of lots and lots of gunfire is gradually replaced by a sad } variant of the theme music. Roll credits.> } } 3: The Crying Game Scam: } }       The scene: A wee cottage. Orrie is there, and the Woodchuck, } wearing a dress. } } WOODCHUCK (in an Irish accent): Top o' the mornin' to ya, Orrie, oy } have ta tell ya somethin'. } } ORACLE: Oh? What? } } WOODCHUCK: Oy'm not raylly a beeuutefuhl woman. Oy'm a woadchock. } } ORACLE: WHAT? AAAARRRGGGGHHH. } } <fade out as Orrie faints from the terrible shock.> } } 4: Star Wars Climax: } }       The Scene: Orrie and the Woodchuck face to face in a lightsabre } fight, *mano a woodchucko*. } } ORRIE: I'm gonna git ya, sucka (I had to put *some* blaxploitation } stuff in here somewhere). } } WOODCHUCK (voice of James Earl Jones): Orrie, I am your father. } } ORACLE: Say what? } } WOODCHUCK (voice of James Earl Jones) : I am your father. } } ORACLE: WHAT??? ARRRRRGGGGHHH. } } <then a terrible fight in space breaks out, culminating with the } explosion of the INDIANA.EDU-Star.> } } 5: Beavis and Butthead: } }       The scene: The Internet Oracle, wearing a 'Sepultura' T-shirt, } and the Woodchuck, wearing a 'Korn' T-shirt, sitting on a couch } watching the computer screen. } } ORACLE: Uh huh-huh, huh-huh. This sucks. Some guy is saying that the } gig's up. } } WOODCHUCK: Uh-huh-huh, mmhh-heh-heh. You said 'up'. } } ORACLE: Yeah. That was cool. Uh-huh-huh. Well, I think I'll have to go } 'put down the woodchuck'. Uh-huh-huh, huh-huh. } } WOODCHUCK: You said 'wood'. Uh-huh-huh. } } <Orrie gets up and leaves the picture.> } } WOODCHUCK: 'Wood'. Uh huh-huh. } } <Show another music video, then roll credits.> } } You owe the Oracle a movie deal.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm the one waving the Staff of Zot in a threatening manner. You must } be the one with the brown underpants wishing you'd included a grovel. } } Don't worry, just my little joke. *ahem* } } I was not born as mortals are, but rather blinked into existence when } the Universe was created. This made me quite angry, as the Universe was } a cold, dark, inhospitable place back then. And there was nowhere to } order a pizza. } } In those days, I existed only as a thought; I had no body. I drifted } for many millenia, exploring the Universe as a child explores it's } neighbourhood. I watched; I learned. I became wise. My arrival on Earth } was quite by chance. Over the lightyears, I heard a woman's voice. The } voice said, "Og not go hit lizard with spiky club! Og take Ogwa see } screen-with-pictures!" Intrigued, I headed for the outer spiral arm of } the Milky Way galaxy, to the third satellite of a yellow star called } Sol, where the voice originated. } } I observed the inhabitants for many years. I learned their strange } customs. Over time, I came to love them as my own people. Though they } were crude, often barbaric and short tempered, they were also capable } of great beauty, music, poetry and art. Sometimes, they managed to } combine barbarism and music together; this they called "The Spice } Girls". } } The people were a lost people. They needed guidance. I assumed the body } of an old man. From my temple in Indiana, I dispensed advice. With } body, came bodily desires. I took a young human woman, Lisa, as my } consort. A Priesthood formed to attend to my needs and offer } companionship. Somewhere along the line, Zadoc became high priest, and } I deleted the companionship requirement. Later still Kendai arrived, } and suddenly Zadoc didn't look quite so bad. } } I exist though all time and all space. I am Omniscient. I am the } Oracle. I am, and will always be. Now what was your question again?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank you in advance for taking time out from your busy schedule to > ponder my unworthy question Oh Great One! > > What is going to be the ultimate fate of all those caverns humans > are creating under the soil from which they have withdrawn oil and > natural gases?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, let's see. Those darn caverns. Stupid humans, couldn't forsee } the dangers involved. } } In a couple of years, or maybe minutes, or even millenia, an errant } piece of DNA will slip through the cracks. This will combine with the } existant muck, as it were, and give rise to the oil-n-gas-people, a } soon to be realized race of sentient cavern dwellers. } } Of course, the oil-n-gas-people are gonna pretty peeved when they find } out pesky humans are sucking them dry of their kindred, but as yet } unsentient pools of oil. How are they gonna find out? How would you } feel if you had lots of straws sticking in you, sucking out your blood? } Not a pleasant feeling, I'd imagine. Just ask Zadoc. } } But I digress. } } So these oil-n-gas-people, seeking retribution for the pain and } suffering they have been going through, will seep through cracks and } onto the surface world, where they will attempt to destroy them humans } by sucking them dry, poking straws and extracting the blood, which of } course, leads to the discovery of a new type of fuel, incidentally. } } At least that's what they plan. Or will plan. Hmm. However, by a } slight miscalculation in physics types of things, the oil-n-gas-people } will find out that they're just not that cohesive on the surface world } and will drain through the cracks back to their caverns. So they'll } decide to fight from there. } } How? Well, they'll make efforts to hide from the straws, and instead } of sending oil-n-gas-people up them, they'll send rocks-n-stuff. This } of course, leads to rocks becoming sentient, but that's another story. } } Soon, the humans will have thought that they have tapped their oil } wells dry and go in search of a different fuel. The oil-n-gas-people } will rejoice and do a happy dance. } } You owe the Oracle a fingernail or a hair.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you're pink, you must be spam.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-seeing oracle, what happens to my socks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I hate to break this to you, hillary, but bill's not the only one } being petted by another woman late at night.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What *are* friends for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beats the heck out of me!  I never have been able to figure out all the } complexities of C++ class design.  I moved right on to Java, where } interfaces at least make intuitive sense! } } But I digress.  Let's go the C++ manual: } }     A friend class is a class all of whose member functions are friend }     functions of a class, i.e., whose member functions have access to }     the other class's private and protected members. } } Ah, that certainly clears it up:  Friends are those you can trust with } your private, protected members. } } You owe the Oracle an athletic supporter, and a smile.