992-01 (985i* dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> SUPPLICANT:
> I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate,
> I've many questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate,
> I've not a single shred of tact in any of my body's cells,
> Instead I dare invoke thy name, with all the usual codicils;
> I've lurked a bit and read the FAQs, and now I dare to ask a boon,
> Oh please enlighten me, thy humble servant, with an answer soon,
> Thy knowledge doth all things excel, we lowly mortals are surpassed...
>
> Hmmmm.... surpassed...... sur... passed.... Ah!
>
> I hope this grovel's good enough, my knees are giving out at last.
>
> OMNES:
> He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last
> He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last
> He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last
>
> SUPPLICANT:
> I'm stuck out here without a clue, confused, alone and wondering;
> It's taking all my energy just keeping me from chundering:
> In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate,
> I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate.
>
> OMNES:
> In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate,
> He is the very model of a grovelling unfortunate.
>
> SUPPLICANT:
> I tried to do research, because this question is my first, you see;
> I browsed the World Wide Web, to see what Internet could do for me,
> And there, among the JPEG files of "stunning Asian rarities"
> I found the One True Site with all thy great Oracularities.
>
> I've read thy fragrant history, of Zadoc and the staff of ZOT,
> I know that Lisa likes to tie you in a silken scarf a lot.
> Your needs are met by priests who sacrifice each day a dove and bull.
>
> Uh-oh.... dove... and.... bull.... Aha!
>
> And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable
>
> OMNES:
> And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable
> And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable
> And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable
>
> SUPPLICANT:
> Now I can vie for in-jokes with wittiest and best of 'em,
> And try for silly geek jokes with the poor pathetic rest of 'em;
> In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate,
> I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate.
>
> OMNES:
> In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate,
> He is the very model of a grovelling unfortunate.
>
> SUPPLICANT:
> In fact, when I know what is meant by "wit", and "style" and "clarity"
> When I can tell at sight an innuendo from a parody,
> When with such tools as irony and satire I'm more capable,
> And when I know precisely what is meant by "inescapable";
> When I have learnt what standards works Oracular require of you,
> When I know more of humour than a stand-up in a dire revue
> In short, when I've a funny bone within my whole anatomy
>
> A... na..... to..... my......... Hmmmmmm. Yesss!
>
> You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me"
>
> OMNES:
> You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me"
> You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me"
> You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me"
>
> SUPPLICANT:
> It's time to ask my question, though I fear that I may die for it;
> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if ever they would try for it?
> For it seems this silly question, though it's boring and importunate,
> Is *still* the only question from this grovelling unfortunate.
>
> OMNES:
> For it seems this silly question, though it's boring and importunate,
> Is *still* the only question from that grovelling unfortunate.
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And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} TRIO--ORACLE, LISA, and SUPPLICANT
}
} LISA: When you had asked your question so bold,
} We thought to ZOT you there and then,
} According to our custom old,
} With ZOT staff for your sin.
} But all in vain to ZOT we tried,
} Your utterances so novel,
} It's been so long since we have heard
} Such a perfect grovel.
} SUPPLICANT: Perfect grovel?
} ORACLE: (laughing) Perfect grovel!
} LISA: A most titillating grovel!
} We've praise, flattery and such drivel,
} But none to beat such a grovel!
} Lovely grovel, lovely grovel,
} A most titillating grovel!
} Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ha! ha! ha! ha!
} ORACLE: We knew your taste for extended trips,
} Into praise most fully sincere;
} And with the laughter on our lips,
} We wished you there to hear.
} We said, "If we could tell it him,
} The woodchuck answer in our joy!"
} And so we've risked our old maxim,
} To tell it to our boy.
} SUPPLICANT: (interested). Perfect grovel? Perfect grovel?
} LISA and ORACLE: (laughing) A most titillating grovel!
} A most titillating grovel!
} We've praise, flattery and such drivel,
} But none to beat such a grovel!
} Lovely grovel, lovely grovel,
} A most titillating grovel!
} Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho! ho!
}
} CHANT--ORACLE
}
} Now chucking wood, among woodchuck kind, is not a frequent passion,
} In fact it is relegated to just one day a year, in the following
} fashion:
} A woodchuck will, chuck wood you know, only on the date of its birth.
} Yet you ask, and well you may, why this should cause such mirth?
} Through some singular coincidence-- a crazy freak of fate, perhaps,
} Your woodchuck was born in that one-in-four years' lapse,
} Known in to all both near and far, even those in Greenwich,
} As leap year, which leaves your 'chuck in need of Popeye's spinach.
} Most 'chucks, you see, by his advanced age, they should,
} Have chucked a total of their years of age, given in cords of wood.
} Yet by a simple arithmetical process, you'll easily discover,
} That though he has lived twenty-one years, more than many could,
} The cords he has chucked are only five, mayhap a little bit over!
} LISA: Ha! ha! ha! ha!
} ORACLE: Ho! ho! ho! ho!
} SUPPLICANT: Dear me!
} Let's see! (counting on fingers)
} Yes, yes; with yours my figures do agree!
} ALL: Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! ho!
} SUPPLICANT: (more amused than any)
} How quaint the ways of groundhog-kind!
} To common sense they are quite blind!
} Though counting in the usual way,
} Years twenty-one he's been alive,
} Yet, chucking on his natal day,
} Yet, chucking on his natal day,
} He's only chucked cords five!
} ORACLE/LISA: He's only chucked cords five!
} Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
} ALL: Answer novel, answer novel,
} Peculiar answer novel!
} Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! , etc.
}
} We owe Gilbert and Sullivan our apologies.
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