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Internet Oracularities #992

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992, 992-01, 992-02, 992-03, 992-04, 992-05, 992-06, 992-07, 992-08, 992-09, 992-10


Internet Oracularities #992    (102 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 9 Mar 1998 08:25:26 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   992
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

992  102 votes 985i* 2fBxf npAd5 7vyn7 7gxug 5kBua cEA95 ovog7 ggwpd 7krvh
992   3.1 mean  4.1   3.4   2.5   2.9   3.3   3.2   2.6   2.5   3.0   3.3


992-01    (985i* dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SUPPLICANT:
> I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate,
> I've many questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate,
> I've not a single shred of tact in any of my body's cells,
> Instead I dare invoke thy name, with all the usual codicils;
> I've lurked a bit and read the FAQs, and now I dare to ask a boon,
> Oh please enlighten me, thy humble servant, with an answer soon,
> Thy knowledge doth all things excel, we lowly mortals are surpassed...
>
> Hmmmm.... surpassed...... sur... passed....  Ah!
>
> I hope this grovel's good enough, my knees are giving out at last.
>
> OMNES:
> He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last
> He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last
> He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last
>
> SUPPLICANT:
> I'm stuck out here without a clue, confused, alone and wondering;
> It's taking all my energy just keeping me from chundering:
> In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate,
> I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate.
>
> OMNES:
> In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate,
> He is the very model of a grovelling unfortunate.
>
> SUPPLICANT:
> I tried to do research, because this question is my first, you see;
> I browsed the World Wide Web, to see what Internet could do for me,
> And there, among the JPEG files of "stunning Asian rarities"
> I found the One True Site with all thy great Oracularities.
>
> I've read thy fragrant history, of Zadoc and the staff of ZOT,
> I know that Lisa likes to tie you in a silken scarf a lot.
> Your needs are met by priests who sacrifice each day a dove and bull.
>
> Uh-oh....  dove... and.... bull....  Aha!
>
> And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable
>
> OMNES:
> And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable
> And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable
> And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable
>
> SUPPLICANT:
> Now I can vie for in-jokes with wittiest and best of 'em,
> And try for silly geek jokes with the poor pathetic rest of 'em;
> In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate,
> I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate.
>
> OMNES:
> In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate,
> He is the very model of a grovelling unfortunate.
>
> SUPPLICANT:
> In fact, when I know what is meant by "wit", and "style" and "clarity"
> When I can tell at sight an innuendo from a parody,
> When with such tools as irony and satire I'm more capable,
> And when I know precisely what is meant by "inescapable";
> When I have learnt what standards works Oracular require of you,
> When I know more of humour than a stand-up in a dire revue
> In short, when I've a funny bone within my whole anatomy
>
> A... na..... to..... my.........   Hmmmmmm.  Yesss!
>
> You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me"
>
> OMNES:
> You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me"
> You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me"
> You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me"
>
> SUPPLICANT:
> It's time to ask my question, though I fear that I may die for it;
> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if ever they would try for it?
> For it seems this silly question, though it's boring and importunate,
> Is *still* the only question from this grovelling unfortunate.
>
> OMNES:
> For it seems this silly question, though it's boring and importunate,
> Is *still* the only question from that grovelling unfortunate.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TRIO--ORACLE, LISA, and SUPPLICANT
}
} LISA:     When you had asked your question so bold,
}                We thought to ZOT you there and then,
}           According to our custom old,
}                With ZOT staff for your sin.
}           But all in vain to ZOT we tried,
}                Your utterances so novel,
}           It's been so long since we have heard
}                Such a perfect grovel.
} SUPPLICANT:      Perfect grovel?
} ORACLE:   (laughing)     Perfect grovel!
} LISA:     A most titillating grovel!
}           We've praise, flattery and such drivel,
}           But none to beat such a grovel!
}                Lovely grovel, lovely grovel,
}                A most titillating grovel!
}                Ha! ha! ha! ha!  Ha! ha! ha! ha!
} ORACLE:   We knew your taste for extended trips,
}                Into praise most fully sincere;
}           And with the laughter on our lips,
}                We wished you there to hear.
}           We said, "If we could tell it him,
}                The woodchuck answer in our joy!"
}           And so we've risked our old maxim,
}                To tell it to our boy.
} SUPPLICANT: (interested).  Perfect grovel?  Perfect grovel?
} LISA and ORACLE: (laughing)     A most titillating grovel!
}           A most titillating grovel!
}           We've praise, flattery and such drivel,
}           But none to beat such a grovel!
}                Lovely grovel, lovely grovel,
}                A most titillating grovel!
}           Ha! ha! ha! ha!  Ho! ho! ho! ho!
}
}                            CHANT--ORACLE
}
} Now chucking wood, among woodchuck kind, is not a frequent passion,
} In fact it is relegated to just one day a year, in the following
} fashion:
} A woodchuck will, chuck wood you know, only on the date of its birth.
} Yet you ask, and well you may, why this should cause such mirth?
} Through some singular coincidence-- a crazy freak of fate, perhaps,
} Your woodchuck was born in that one-in-four years' lapse,
} Known in to all both near and far, even those in Greenwich,
} As leap year, which leaves your 'chuck in need of Popeye's spinach.
} Most 'chucks, you see, by his advanced age, they should,
} Have chucked a total of their years of age, given in cords of wood.
} Yet by a simple arithmetical process, you'll easily discover,
} That though he has lived twenty-one years, more than many could,
} The cords he has chucked are only five, mayhap a little bit over!
} LISA:    Ha! ha! ha! ha!
} ORACLE:       Ho! ho! ho! ho!
} SUPPLICANT: Dear me!
}             Let's see! (counting on fingers)
}             Yes, yes; with yours my figures do agree!
} ALL: Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! ho!
} SUPPLICANT: (more amused than any)
}             How quaint the ways of groundhog-kind!
}             To common sense they are quite blind!
}             Though counting in the usual way,
}             Years twenty-one he's been alive,
}             Yet, chucking on his natal day,
}             Yet, chucking on his natal day,
}             He's only chucked cords five!
} ORACLE/LISA:      He's only chucked cords five!
}                   Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
} ALL:        Answer novel, answer novel,
}             Peculiar answer novel!
}             Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! , etc.
}
} We owe Gilbert and Sullivan our apologies.


992-02    (2fBxf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You that can tell a republic from a democracy without looking it
> up are a mighty fine Oracle indeed and thought!
>
> Why do so few people in America vote?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because, when it comes right down to it, there aren't actually very
} many people in America.  Oh, there are hordes of flesh puppets,
} television zombies, soulless bodies, undead shamblers, and such as
} that, but fortunately they mostly don't vote.
}
} Now if we could stop them from being *elected*, we'd have a very good
} situation indeed.


992-03    (npAd5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O Great and Mighty Oracle, please tell me this:
>
>             Why did the chicken cross the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Top 101 reasons the chicken crossed the road
}
} 101.   To get to the other side
} 100.   To read the Martian newspaper
} 99.    To get away from Colonal Sanders
} 98.    Bud-Wei-Ser
} 97.    She just wanted attention
} 96.    None of the other chickens would let her play in their chicken
}        games
} 95.    Its the chicken equivalent to bungee jumping
} 94.    To get away from the myopic mUnkys from mars who couldn't
}        remember why they were chasing her in the first place
} 93.    She was rejected by Foster Farms and couldn't bear to go on
} 92.    She had mad chicken disease
} 91.    So she was facing the traffic while she walked
} 90.    She had a date with the rooster
} 89.    she wanted to
} 88.    Why not?
} 87.    To see if the grass was greener there (on the other side)
} 86.    She saw a leprechaun there and was hunting the pot of gold
} 85.    She was running away from home
} 84.    She caught the farmer stealing her eggs
} 83.    To show the possum it could be done
} 82.    To peck out Lillian Zacky's eyes
} 81.    A guy had just eaten at KFC, and his car was across the street
}        (this takes some thought)
} 80.    80s glam rockers were chasing her so they could make earrings
}        out of her feathers
} 79.    She was a masochist, and there was a KFC across the street
} 78.    A band of wild babtists was trying to bite off her head
} 77.    On the other side of the street was Afganistan, where chickens
}        are worshipped as gods
} 76.    To kick some turkey's ass
} 75.    She wanted to see what it felt like to be a possum
} 74.    She was on fire
} 73.    She was suffering from delusions that she was a dog
} 72.    She was a cannibal and there was a KFC across the street
} 71.    Her psychiatrist told her that, in order to overcome her fear,
}        she must face it
} 70.    To take hang-glider lessons
} 69.    To go to Madame Chicken's House of Ill Repute
} 68.    To get to Tito's Casa a los Nachos Grandes
} 66.    Chickens like nachos, you know...
} 67.    To hide Jimmy Hoffa's Body
} 66.    To lose fat without being excoriated
} 65.    To go to Pierre's Diner to have some imitation roast duck
} 64.    It was all a plublicity stunt for El Pollo Loco
} 63.    Boy that chicken was crazy...
} 62.    To get the royalties from the "Caught on Camera: When Chickens
}        Meet Roads" video
} 61.    Dom Deloise was chasing her
} 60.    He had to hurry up to get in the middle of nothing so he could
}        create the universe
} 59.    She wanted some flap jacks
} 58.    To by a box of havanas
} 57.    To get to the grassy knoll so she could assassinate JFK
} 56.    She had diarhea something aweful and had to get to the bathroom
} 55.    She wanted to prove she wasn't chicken
} 54.    She was strapped to a rocket
} 53.    There was a band of starving hindus, and all there was was a cow
}        and a chicken
} 52.    To get away from that weird pantless red guy
} 51.    To sign his contract with Cartoon Network
} 50.    To get away from Fluffy The Anaconda
} 49.    She was completing community service for "accidently" running
}        over Colonal Sanders with a riding lawn mower
} 48.    She had ADD and couldn't sit in one place for more than 5 seconds
} 47.    To rendevous with the mother ship
} 46.    To ask the Oracle that timeless question, "What came first, the
}        cicken or the egg?"
} 45.    (it was the egg, you know, Dinasaurs layed eggs millions of
}        years before chickens existed)
} 44.    To go to the Farmer's Bordello
} 43.    To visit the Beef Jerky factory
} 42.    To go to the slaughter house and mock the cows
} 41.    To get run over
} 40.    To win some beads at Mardi Gras
} 39.    You know how they win beads, don'tcha?
} 38.    To get some film developed
} 37.    To fly a kite
} 36.    To write her autobiography, "Life is just a road"
} 35.    To get some beans
} 34.    To buy some shoes
} 33.    To get some 3-toed socks
} 32.    To pay off  the mafia
} 31.    To join the mafia
} 30.    She was a mule for a drug runner, and she kept cocaine in her
}        eggs
} 29.    To buy some eggs
} 28.    (But the yolk was on her, cause she lays em for free)
} 27.    To visit Piles the beaver
} 26.    Bill Clinton wanted a date
} 25.    To play soccer with an armadillo
} 24.    (The armadillo was the ball...get it?)
} 23.    To star on "When chickens attack Part II"
} 22.    To join coorperate america
} 21.    To join an Austrian convent
} 20.    To star in "The Sound of Music"
} 19.    To win the gold medal in curling
} 18.    To hustle a game of pool
} 17.    To go bowling
} 16.    To achieve inner oneness with herself
} 15.    To set fire to Mother Goose
} 14.    To set fire to that annoying "Yo quiero Taco Bell" chihuahau
} 13.    To get wasted
} 12.    To go to woodstock
} 11.    To set fire to the entire cast of "Friends"
} 10.    To go to the massage parlor
} 9.     The Chinese restaurant was out of cat
} 8.     To talk to Elvis
} 7.     To impersonate Elvis at the Luxor
} 6.     To get a date wit Paula Jones
} 5.     To get some pork butts and potatoes
} 4.     To peck out Mike Tyson's Eyes
} 3.     To go to work in a Guatamalan sweatshop for .000000000009 cents
}        an hour
} 2.     To get her beak pierced
}
} AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD....
}
} 1.     Chickens ain't that smart


992-04    (7vyn7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If my TV is hooked up to The Clapper, will it turn itself off when The
> Clapper commercial comes on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll never find out.
}
} Before the next Clapper commercial airs, your TV will explode from the
} power fluctuations generated by the Clapper as it attempt to comply
} with the instructions of an entire audience applauding just before the
} commercial break.
}
} This will, in turn, create a feedback surge to you local power company,
} tripping the breakers for the main generators. While they attempt to
} locate the problem, the entire eastern seaboard of the United States
} will be blacked out.
}
} Saddam Hussein, noting that the power outage has also crippled NORAD's
} early detection system, will promptly launch his entire nuclear arsenal
} at the U.S. He will see this as a prudent move, as it will kill two
} birds with one ICBM: he will get revenge for the loss of face suffered
} during the so-called "Gulf War", and he will be able to show the U.N.
} inspectors that he does not have any weapons in his country despite the
} suspicions of the American government.
}
} One of the missles, targeted for George Bush's residence, will veer
} off-course, homing in on the Clapper attached to your television.  Upon
} impact, your TV will blow up and you will never find out if attaching
} the Clapper to your TV will cause it to turn off when the Clapper
} commercial comes on.
}
} You owe the Oracle 3 pints of ale, several packages of peanuts, and a
} ride on the next Vogon consturctor ship out of the system.


992-05    (7gxug dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That's right, answer boy, the gig's up.  Put the woodchuck down, your
> hands up, and step away from the keyboard.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FIVE WAYS TO END THE ORACLE STORY:
}
} 1: The Tarantino twist:
}
}       The scene: ORACLE and WOODCHUCK, both badly shot up, lying on the
} floor. Sounds from outside reveal that the warehouse is surrended by
} the police.
}
} ORACLE (to woodchuck): Don't worry, kid. Everything's gonna be all
} right. We'll do the time in no time.
}
} WOODCHUCK: I'm a cop.
}
} ORACLE: What? I didn't hear you.
}
} WOODCHUCK: Larry^H^H^H^H^H Orrie, I'm a cop.
}
} ORACLE: WHAT? AAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!!
}
} <Oracle fires his gun repeatedly at the Woodchuck. Police shout
} warnings. Fade out to the sound of several guns firing.>
}
} 2: Butch and Sundance melodrama:
}
}       The scene: Orrie and the Woodchuck lying on the floor of a small
} cottage, both bleeding from multiple gunshot wounds. The cottage is
} surrounded by the entire Bolivian Army.
}
} ORACLE: So, how do you feel about going to Australia?
}
} WOODCHUCK: Oh no, not another half-brained idea.
}
} ORACLE: Let's blast our way out of here.
}
} WOODCHUCK: Keep thinking. That's what you're good at.
}
} <Picture freezes as Orrie and the Woodchuck storm out of the cottage.
} The sound of lots and lots of gunfire is gradually replaced by a sad
} variant of the theme music. Roll credits.>
}
} 3: The Crying Game Scam:
}
}       The scene: A wee cottage. Orrie is there, and the Woodchuck,
} wearing a dress.
}
} WOODCHUCK (in an Irish accent): Top o' the mornin' to ya, Orrie, oy
} have ta tell ya somethin'.
}
} ORACLE: Oh? What?
}
} WOODCHUCK: Oy'm not raylly a beeuutefuhl woman. Oy'm a woadchock.
}
} ORACLE: WHAT? AAAARRRGGGGHHH.
}
} <fade out as Orrie faints from the terrible shock.>
}
} 4: Star Wars Climax:
}
}       The Scene: Orrie and the Woodchuck face to face in a lightsabre
} fight, *mano a woodchucko*.
}
} ORRIE: I'm gonna git ya, sucka (I had to put *some* blaxploitation
} stuff in here somewhere).
}
} WOODCHUCK (voice of James Earl Jones): Orrie, I am your father.
}
} ORACLE: Say what?
}
} WOODCHUCK (voice of James Earl Jones) : I am your father.
}
} ORACLE: WHAT??? ARRRRRGGGGHHH.
}
} <then a terrible fight in space breaks out, culminating with the
} explosion of the INDIANA.EDU-Star.>
}
} 5: Beavis and Butthead:
}
}       The scene: The Internet Oracle, wearing a 'Sepultura' T-shirt,
} and the Woodchuck, wearing a 'Korn' T-shirt, sitting on a couch
} watching the computer screen.
}
} ORACLE: Uh huh-huh, huh-huh. This sucks. Some guy is saying that the
} gig's up.
}
} WOODCHUCK: Uh-huh-huh, mmhh-heh-heh. You said 'up'.
}
} ORACLE: Yeah. That was cool. Uh-huh-huh. Well, I think I'll have to go
} 'put down the woodchuck'. Uh-huh-huh, huh-huh.
}
} WOODCHUCK: You said 'wood'. Uh-huh-huh.
}
} <Orrie gets up and leaves the picture.>
}
} WOODCHUCK: 'Wood'. Uh huh-huh.
}
} <Show another music video, then roll credits.>
}
} You owe the Oracle a movie deal.


992-06    (5kBua dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm the one waving the Staff of Zot in a threatening manner. You must
} be the one with the brown underpants wishing you'd included a grovel.
}
} Don't worry, just my little joke. *ahem*
}
} I was not born as mortals are, but rather blinked into existence when
} the Universe was created. This made me quite angry, as the Universe was
} a cold, dark, inhospitable place back then. And there was nowhere to
} order a pizza.
}
} In those days, I existed only as a thought; I had no body. I drifted
} for many millenia, exploring the Universe as a child explores it's
} neighbourhood. I watched; I learned. I became wise. My arrival on Earth
} was quite by chance. Over the lightyears, I heard a woman's voice. The
} voice said, "Og not go hit lizard with spiky club! Og take Ogwa see
} screen-with-pictures!" Intrigued, I headed for the outer spiral arm of
} the Milky Way galaxy, to the third satellite of a yellow star called
} Sol, where the voice originated.
}
} I observed the inhabitants for many years. I learned their strange
} customs. Over time, I came to love them as my own people. Though they
} were crude, often barbaric and short tempered, they were also capable
} of great beauty, music, poetry and art. Sometimes, they managed to
} combine barbarism and music together; this they called "The Spice
} Girls".
}
} The people were a lost people. They needed guidance. I assumed the body
} of an old man. From my temple in Indiana, I dispensed advice. With
} body, came bodily desires. I took a young human woman, Lisa, as my
} consort. A Priesthood formed to attend to my needs and offer
} companionship. Somewhere along the line, Zadoc became high priest, and
} I deleted the companionship requirement. Later still Kendai arrived,
} and suddenly Zadoc didn't look quite so bad.
}
} I exist though all time and all space. I am Omniscient. I am the
} Oracle. I am, and will always be. Now what was your question again?


992-07    (cEA95 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank you in advance for taking time out from your busy schedule to
> ponder my unworthy question Oh Great One!
>
> What is going to be the ultimate fate of all those caverns humans
> are creating under the soil from which they have withdrawn oil and
> natural gases?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, let's see. Those darn caverns. Stupid humans, couldn't forsee
} the dangers involved.
}
} In a couple of years, or maybe minutes, or even millenia, an errant
} piece of DNA will slip through the cracks. This will combine with the
} existant muck, as it were, and give rise to the oil-n-gas-people, a
} soon to be realized race of sentient cavern dwellers.
}
} Of course, the oil-n-gas-people are gonna pretty peeved when they find
} out pesky humans are sucking them dry of their kindred, but as yet
} unsentient pools of oil. How are they gonna find out? How would you
} feel if you had lots of straws sticking in you, sucking out your blood?
} Not a pleasant feeling, I'd imagine. Just ask Zadoc.
}
} But I digress.
}
} So these oil-n-gas-people, seeking retribution for the pain and
} suffering they have been going through, will seep through cracks and
} onto the surface world, where they will attempt to destroy them humans
} by sucking them dry, poking straws and extracting the blood, which of
} course, leads to the discovery of a new type of fuel, incidentally.
}
} At least that's what they plan. Or will plan. Hmm. However, by a
} slight miscalculation in physics types of things, the oil-n-gas-people
} will find out that they're just not that cohesive on the surface world
} and will drain through the cracks back to their caverns. So they'll
} decide to fight from there.
}
} How? Well, they'll make efforts to hide from the straws, and instead
} of sending oil-n-gas-people up them, they'll send rocks-n-stuff. This
} of course, leads to rocks becoming sentient, but that's another story.
}
} Soon, the humans will have thought that they have tapped their oil
} wells dry and go in search of a different fuel. The oil-n-gas-people
} will rejoice and do a happy dance.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fingernail or a hair.


992-08    (ovog7 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you're pink, you must be spam.


992-09    (ggwpd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-seeing oracle, what happens to my socks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I hate to break this to you, hillary, but bill's not the only one
} being petted by another woman late at night.


992-10    (7krvh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What *are* friends for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beats the heck out of me!  I never have been able to figure out all the
} complexities of C++ class design.  I moved right on to Java, where
} interfaces at least make intuitive sense!
}
} But I digress.  Let's go the C++ manual:
}
}     A friend class is a class all of whose member functions are friend
}     functions of a class, i.e., whose member functions have access to
}     the other class's private and protected members.
}
} Ah, that certainly clears it up:  Friends are those you can trust with
} your private, protected members.
}
} You owe the Oracle an athletic supporter, and a smile.


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