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26 May 2024 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:14:41 GMT

Internet Oracularity #1411-03    (1bjd5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and wonderful are you, O Oracle. Older and sager than I, are
> you.
> Help me with my problems, you can, hope I. Powerful Jedi being, if
> short, green, bald and wrinkled am, what good is? All cute girls,
> other Jedis get. Married Princess Leia, I should have. Chewbacca stuck
> with, I am instead.
> No good plastic surgeons, in Dagobah are. Help finding them as well as
> good toupees and growth hormones, I need.
> Oh, good, cheap Viagra I desire as well. Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if the Viagra were all you wanted, I'd simply recommend that you
} sign up with AOL, and then you'd soon have more offers of that,
} conveniently delivered to your e-inbox, than you'd know what to do
} with. But it looks like your problem is somewhat wider in scope, and
} so, I believe, a more comprehensive solution is necessary.
} Hm, let's see: short, green, bald, wrinkled, virginal, powerful Jedi
} being, bizarre sentence structure... y'know, you sound a lot like that
} little guy in, what was it, Star Trek? His name was, uh, Yo-Yo Da, or
} something like that. I think he played the cello. You wouldn't happen
} to be related, would you? Lechery does tend to run in families, so I
} guess not.
} But anyway, back to your problem. My dear supplicant, you seem to be
} trying to deny your true nature. Modern cosmetic medicine, even that of
} civilization in a galaxy far, far away, can only do so much-- doctors
} aren't magicians. You'll never be able to overcome the simple fact of
} your own species, so I suggest that you embrace it. Come out of the
} closet (you couldn't hide in it if your life depended on it, anyway)
} and meet others who share your plight; in them, you will surely find
} empathy, and perhaps, if you are lucky, you will even find love. And a
} few years from now, perhaps you'll form a community of short, green,
} bald, wrinkled people from all over the universe, dedicated to creating
} awareness, promoting tolerance, and, in general, making all of creation
} a nicer place for short, green, bald, wrinkled people (dang, would it
} kill that Luke Georges guy to give the species a friggin' name?) to
} live in.
} And yes, I'm sure you don't relish the prospect of dating females as,
} er, homely as you, but hey, let's be realistic. What are your options?
} Upload a couple hundred totally bogus profiles to Match.com? You'd only
} be getting your hopes up uselessly; each relationship would inevitably
} end on a very sudden, tragic note as soon as whatever poor sap you
} hoodwinked into thinking you were Leonardo DiCaprio saw you for the
} hideous little abortion you really are.
} You owe the Oracle (along as the rest of the universe) a good
} explanation as to why you talk like that. Isn't several centuries of
} life enough time to learn proper syntax?

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