|17 Oct 2018||home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests||9:42:23 GMT|
The following are Oracularities in which I have either asked or answered the question. Some have been good enough to actually make the Oracularities.
Selected-By: David BREMNER <email@example.com>
I was an incarnation of the Oracle here.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, hunter of the hunted, chaser of the chased, scrivener > of the scrivened, please help me.... > > I have been trying for ages to catch this one darn bird. Now, you > wouldn't think that it would be such a difficult task, me being a > super-genius and all, but my plans all somehow seem to go awry. I've > tried just about every method that I could think of, including > butterfly nets, giant slingshots, explosives, rocket sleds, and > various other products from the ACME catalog. I've even tried > painting a picture of a road onto the side of a cliff. But no matter > what I try, I always end up being burnt, twisted, stretched, crumpled, > folded, run over, or dropped from a great height. And the bird keeps > mocking me, mocking me, with its incessant "beep beep." What should > I do? > > Sincerely yours, > W. E. Coyote And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Seeker of wisdom and birds, your task is to spend three fractions of } a year studying with your local Unix users group, and pick up a few } tips about hacking your way into the AcmeNet.com public unix system. I } am certain with your intellectual abilities will know what to do then. } Here's why: } } --------Begin Included Message-------- } [header deleted] } Oh Oracle Most Wise, Protector of the Pursued, } } I extend to you my deepest thanks for the tips on how to avoid } destruction by rocket sled. However, it seems the one who pursues me } has come up with a new plan, and is constructing something from a giant } Y-shaped piece of wood and a large strip of rubber. Tell me, what is } the purpose of this device and how can I make good my escape once } again? } } Yours, } } [name deleted to protect the anonymity of the writer] } --------End Included Message-------- } } You owe the Oracle your Acme frequent purchaser rebates for this } partial breach of confidentiality.
Selected-By: firstname.lastname@example.org (David Sewell)I asked this question, which I thought was rather lame at the time. Whoever answered it did a great job! Sachiko is the cat who inspired the question.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > I have three cats. Two speak normally and say 'miaow', > but the third, still a kitten, says 'miaowmaiow'. > Why is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cat translation dictionary } Volume I -- Common phrases } } compiled by T. U. Oracle } } Cat phrase Means } ========== ===== } miaow Feed me. } } meeow Pet me. } } mrooww I love you. } } Miioo-oo-oo I am in love and must meet my } betrothed outside beneath the hedge. } Don't wait up. } } mrow I feel like making noise. } } rrrow-mawww Please, the time is come to tidy } the cat box. } } rrrow-miawww I have remedied the cat box untidiness } by shoveling the contents as far out } of the box as was practical. } } miaowmiaow Play with me. } } Miaowmioaw Have you noticed the shortage of } available cat toys in this room? } } mioawmioaw Since I can find nothing better to } play with, I shall see what happens } when I sharpen my claws on this } handy piece of furniture. } } raowwwww I think I shall now spend time } licking the most private parts } of my anatomy. } } mrowwwww I am now recalling, with } sorrow, that some of my private } parts did not return with me } from that visit to the vet. } } Roww-maww-roww I am so glad to see that you have } returned home with both arms full } of groceries. I will now rub myself } against your legs and attempt to } trip you as you walk towards the } kitchen. } } gakk-ak-ak My digestive passages seem to have } formed a hairball. Wherever could } this have come from? I shall leave } it here upon the carpeting. } } mow Snuggling is a good idea. } } moww Shedding is pretty good, too. } } mowww! I was enjoying snuggling and shedding } in the warm clean laundry until you } removed me so unkindly. } } Miaow! Miaow! I have discovered that, although one } may be able to wedge his body through } the gap behind the stove and into that } little drawer filled with pots and pans, } the reverse path is slightly more } difficult to navigate. } } Mraakk! Oh, small bird! Please come over here. } } ssssRoww! I believe that I have found a } woodchuck or similar animal. } } mmmrowmmm It is certain that the best tasting } fish is one you have caught yourself. } } mmmmmmm If I sit in the sunshine for another } hour or so, I think I shall be } satisfied. } } Mreoaw Please ask room service to send up } another can of tunafish. } } Mreeeow Do you serve catnip with that? } } mroow I have forced my body into a tiny } space in order to look cute. } How'm I doin? } } Miaooww! Mriaow! Since you are using the can opener, } I am certain that you understand the } value of a well-fed and pampered } cat. Please continue. } } As you can see, it may take years of practice to be able to accurately } distinguish some of these forms. } } You owe the Oracle a can opener that doesn't require an opposable } thumb.
This Oracularity did not appear in any of the Oracularities Digests. However, I was rolling on the floor with laughter when I got this answer, so I figured it deserved to be displayed here. The question was indeed intended to be a test message, and I did not expect anyone to answer it as the Oracle might. I was very pleasantly suprised to receive the answer I did:
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This message is a test of a new method of submitting > questions to the Oracle. Would you please reply to > this message at your earliest convenience, quoting > the original question back to me so I can see how > it was formatted at your end. Thanks. > skip a line > newline > newline > newline > browser=lynx > newlines with downarrow And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle flung his office door open with a crash, startling the } priests at their terminals. The clicking of keyboards and mice buttons } stopped abruptly. } } "Aw right," the Oracle grumbled, grinding his ever-present cigar } between perfect molars. "Any o' youse know about dhis guy?" The Oracle } absently waved a smouldering piece of paper. Where his fingers touched } the page, wisps of smoke rose and mingled with Oracular cigar smoke. } } "Whatcha got there, boss?" Rodriguez asked gently. "It's not a woodch -- } not one of those questions, is it?" } } "Naw, nuttin' like dat," the Oracle muttered. "See fer yerself." He } thrust the page at her, then sucked deeply on his cigar. "Some bozo } wants us to echo his questions back to him so he can see if dey're } formatted dhe way he likes 'em." His eyes blazed with Oracular fire. } "Can you believe dis guy? I'm a fountain o' wisdom an' he wants ta make } sure I dot my i's and cross my t's!" } } "You gonna ZOT him, boss?" Chang ventured from the back of the room. } } The Oracle's eyes narrowed. "Naw, I got a better idea." He pointed to } two priests. "Johnson! Saha! Youse two go over to this supplicant's } place and get him back here. If he give you any trouble, rough him up } a bit. But don't break nothing. 'Specially not his fingers." The Oracle } grinned. } } "His fingers?" Johnson's mouth fell open. "Boss, you're not gonna --" } } "Dat's right. I'm gonna make him a priest. Fate worse'n being ZOTted from } now until next Doomsday." The priests nodded vigorously. The Oracle took } another long draw on his cigar. "Now youse guys get back ta work. I'll } wait for dhis new guy." The Oracle pulled his office door shut behind him, } and his voice, muffled by the glass, floated out past the priests. } } "He'll owe da Oracle a few months on woodchuck detail! Haw haw haw!" }
718-08 7pzvk 3.3
Selected-By: Dave Disser <email@example.com>I asked this question in a time of despair about my career.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, versed in the arts of diplomacy and tact, > > I am unhappy with my current job. There is a possibility of getting > a job doing something much more interesting, but I will need a letter > of reference from my boss. How should I go about asking for it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle understands your need to actually work for a living. Many } are the days that the Oracle wakes up and says, "You know, it wouldn't } actually be all that bad going in to a job today." Then the Oracle } falls back asleep, but you should know that he sympathizes with you. } } Of course, having obtained a job, it becomes your bounden duty to look } for a better one, because your job sucks. You can work your way, from } each job to an even more challenging job, until you are totally } incompetent to do what you do. For some people this process takes } years, but for a lucky few it can be accomplished right out of } college. } } Of course, nobody is going to give you a new job unless they thought } you were pretty good at your last job. After all, why bother with } somebody who has reached his level of incompetence when you can help } sombody else to attain a higher level of incompetence. } } But let's assume that you are, in fact, pretty good at what you do, } whatever that is, and haven't merely obtained your current position } based on your ability to grovel, which is fair to middlin'. So } theoretically your boss would be just pleased as punch to write you a } letter explaining o the world how you are the best
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